Namechanged for this, btw. Sorry it's so long!
I left my last job 3 years ago, but have remained close friends with 3 former colleagues there - 2 female, 1 male. The male is like a brother to me. We hit it off right from when he interviewed me (he's the HR manager) and have always had loads in common. It's definitely an "intellectual chemistry", not physical/sexual, but we're on the same wavelength, have extremely similar worldviews and experiences. I can talk to him about anything and he's one of a handful of friends in this area I know I could always count on, no matter what...
4 years ago, he was a huge support to me in leaving my violent, abusive ex. He provided moral support, but also lent me money when I was struggling and both he and my boss were absolutely fantastic about supporting me through the whole thing. There has never been anything untoward between us. No physical contact and no emotional affair. Nothing. Just a great friendship.
We would occasionally have lunch together next to the office (often with other colleagues around, so not sneaking around or anything, as we had nothing to hide) and whenever he had a meeting in my building (or viceversa), we'd take 10 minutes to grab a coffee in the break room together (I was in a managerial position, so no pb taking a break). Again, almost always with other people around. Sometimes during quiet periods, we'd chat on the phone or via e-mail, but once again, nothing intimate or inappropriate. Pretty similar to my female friends really. Occasionally he would reply to his emails from home, but I never used his personal e-mail address or phone number, just the professional ones.
However, one weekend (the day after I had my ex arrested for battery!) I had an irate phone call from his wife, telling me to stay away from her husband and that he had no business communicating with female colleagues outside of work. That she'd already been through one divorce and didn't want to go through all that again, so she was very wary of her husband having friendships with women!
So I backed off! I didn't want to cause any trouble for him so even though we remained friends, I made sure that we only ever saw each other as part of a group. And was careful only to chat to him during working hours. Since I've left the firm, we've met up for lunch 3 times in 3 years, had coffee twice when I popped into the firm for administrative stuff and exchanged e-mails every few weeks.
Last night he called me, quite distraught, to tell me his marriage is pretty much over (second marriage for both of them, married for around 8-9 years and they have 5 kids between them). They're living separate lives under the same roof and barely speaking to each other. He sounded really down and said he needed to share it with someone as he's not coping well.
He wants to meet me for lunch next week, but herein lies my dilemma:
- on the one hand he has been a good friend to me over the past 6 years and supported me through some pretty tough times and I feel I owe it to him to support him now it's his turn to be struggling.
- but, on the other hand, if his wife is spying on him, I don't want here thinking I'm somehow involved in any separation/split. I'd hate her to think I'm the "OW" (which women automatically seem to assume is the case when a man wants to separate), and I don't want her naming me in a divorce case for adultery, when that's obviously not true.
So what should I do? Meet him for lunch and give him the support he needs, or stay out of the way to avoid making things worse for them? I'm just so torn and I need objective opinions from the wise women of MN... WWYD?