Help me deal with a talk about money and not have a blazing row

[mosschops30]

Ok bit of background:

Me and dh have a credit card each (his is 2k mine is £800)
We have another card which we threw all this years hols on and said we would pay £2k each. So far ive paid £1100, dh has paid £25.
We are about to buy my mum a house cash (£130k) but are taking a £10k mortgage on it £5k for housing emergencies for my mums house and £5 to clear the cards. When my mum passes away then the £130k will be for me and dh and we will pay off that £10k.
I am about to work full time for a year, (uni course and practice, fully paid) my choice and dh said he was happy for me to do it as long as i could cover the childcare costs (approx £580pm).
This morning i asked him if he could pay £72 per month for ds2 childcare.
He said 'fine, but im buying a bike -£1300).

Now i am really pissed off about this for the following reasons:
I struggled to pay that £1100 off the holiday card, dh has paid nothing and now it will be cleared. I dont see why he shouldnt have to pay anything, and then buy himself a bike.
He has 2k on his card because he buys what he wants. I have £800 on mine because i am reasonably careful.

Weve just rowed about it on the phone, i dont want to row, i just want him to see that hes not doing me some massive favour.
Right now i feel like not paying his card, half the holiday card off and just paying mine and using the rest of the money for extra childcare but thats a bit childish isnt it?

why dont you pool the money? Why is it 'his' and 'yours'; genuine question...

Can you afford to spend like this ? Do you normally pay off the cc's each month ? Just draw up a spreadsheet of what is owed to where and ask him to help you plan how the outgoings will be met. Maybe he isn't as on board with the deal on the hosue as you thought ? Agree the his/hers thing doesn't really work, can you not both have a monthly dd into a joint account for hoilday, bills etc and to pay off the joint cc.

Those are some hefty credit card bills - I lose sleep if mine goes over £300 but of course I assume you can afford it

I seriously never get this set up if you have children and are married of his and my money and it clearly isn't working for you.

If you do not have enough money for a holiday and struggled to pay off your half then perhaps you need to reassess and not have holidays. If he has enough to be paying for these holidays then there is a serious imbalance in your financial relationship.

If he has £1,300 to waste on a bike then that should go to pay off his half of the holiday debt if that is what was agreed especially as it is on a credit card charging interest. Alternatively find a friend to pay the difference and take them in his place as he isn't paying his share.

Basically you looking after the children and studying to now has allowed him not to have to pay childcare fees. All family costs/bills including holidays should be paid with either an equal amount of any remaining income going to both of you or proportionally according to what you put in the pot.

Get rid of the credit cards they are a serious money sink. Taking a mortgage out to pay them off does not change the reason for the over spending in the first place and will not stop it happening again so you will just end up with mortgage and credit card debts. A £2k holiday and a £1.3k bike on cards is silly when you start adding in the repayments.

To not have an argument you need all the figures on a spreadsheet so you can go through them clinically together. If he is argumentative/selfish/unreasonable then, well sorry your marriage is to a selfish entitled at your expense git which even an argument will not solve.

It sounds like you need to have a row.

Why the fuck shouldn't he be paying for childcare for his children?

Why is he buying himself a bike when he needs to pay £3975 of credit card debt?

Why the fuck are you even considering rolling his debt into a mortgage you will both pay off when he clearly takes advantage of you financially?

I also think the whole arrangement with your mother's house sounds weird. How is it you have so much cash and are in debt?

It doesn't sound like you actually have the 'his' and 'yours' thing going on, though - you sound like you more or less pool finances and both separately manage bits of it. But he manages in a way which allows him to extract treats from the resources, you don't, and that's what keeps it balanced.

I would absolutely do what you suggest. It's NOT childish. Surely it's just a recognition of the fact that:

• things like childcare costs take priority and are a joint and equal cost;
• his card is maxed out because he has used up his share of 'fun' and more;
• therefore his fun cannot be subsidised any further until he has equalled YOUR 'being careful' contribution.

You have childcare to pay, that takes priority over clearing his card so that he is free to buy a bike.

Anything else IS unfair. And sets a really bad set of habits and breeds resentment - that's far worse than owing money, really.

Absolutely don't pay off his card. Or the holiday. I can't see any sensible reason why you should.

I think the conversation you need to have is far bigger than just one about bikes and credit cards. Today is not the day if you've already had a big row. Instead make an 'appointment' with each other for a day over the weekend, agree to talk about the total family financial set-up and get yourself prepared with bank statements and spreadsheets, ready to look at the full picture.

There's nothing wrong with 'your money' and 'my money' systems but, in a family, there have to be some rules around 'our money', prioritising household spending over personal spending.

I would even recommend that you get in a third party to referee the session. Is there a friend or relative that you could trust? You'll be less likely to descend into personal attacks if you keep it like a business meeting

Ok dont want to drip feed but:

Dh paid all childcare costs whilst i did a 3 yr degree
Dh pays all child related clubs (football, dodgeball, rugby, beavers etc)
Dh pays all dinner money for dcs.
We havent had to pay childcare for 3 years because ive been in a job that worked well around the family, it was my decision to give it up and do an extra course
My mother has given us £130k as a gift to buy her house
None of the credit cards charge interest

You do realise that you may become liable to pay IHT or CGT on the "gift" in the event of her death. Will you really ringfence that 5k for emergencies ?

My friends earn seriously different amounts from each other. They manage their finances by pooling everything into a joint account. They both then pay themselves the same spending money every month into their personal accounts. All household finances are paid out of the joint account. They can spend their own money on whatever they want. It really works for them.

e: having a calm conversation about it, why don't you try treating it like a business meeting? Draw up an agenda, circulate it before hand so there are no nasty surprises. Put some time aside when the kids are in bed to calmly go through the agenda. If things start to get heating, temporarily postpone the meeting for a toilet break/ tea break, whatever.

Take the 'fault' out of it and agree to approach the problem from the perspective of agreeing that 'you are where you are' and just try to fin d solutions. If all goes well, agree to another meeting to discuss how finances are going to be managed going to forward to prevent a reoccurance of the present problems.

Good luck!

God! So many typos in that last post. Hopefully, you get the drift...

Have just talked with dh, i am not paying his card, or his share of the holiday card. I am going to just sort myself out.
We have had a fairly adult discussion though about this whole 'my money your money' thing and that we have two houses that we financially share, 3 dcs and that we should not be acting like this over money.

I asked him about pooling all the money but he says he cant o that because of work, petrol etc (he pends about £100 pw on petrol alone, i spend about £10)

LIZS yes i know that, but only if she passes away within 7 years. Its all being dealt with by the financial advisor

2cats2many great ideas thanks

Of course you can pool money. Me and DH pool money - he pays over £500 a month for his season ticket and parking, I have no costs of that kind because I'm a SAHM.

What you do, is have all money paid into a joint account and work out all your outgoings. Whatever is left over is divided up into savings/his/yours/holidays and whatever else you want to allocate it towards.
So in your case, his 'pot' would be £100 a month more than yours so that he can cover his commute.

Is no-one else choking on 'he was happy for me to work as long as I can cover the childcare costs'?
What will he do with all the extra money that he will have now that he no longer pays childcare? Does it go into the family pot, or does he get to keep it to buy toys for himself with?

You havent read my post properly, we werent paying any childcare because i worked 2 12hr night shifts a week so dh would have the dcs.

So its not a case of him 'being happy for me to work if i pay childcare', its that i had a perfectly good, well paid job that suited our family life very well and it was my decision to give it up and do a full time conversion.

But you've said he paid all the childcare while you did your degree?

Right, so he is saying that if you want to work then you can, but that the childcare is entirely your financial responsibility? That is shocking, really shocking.

Well yes, but surely not working nights is a good thing?

Joint accounts and finances are the only way IMO.

Will the 130K and the house be in your name or in both your names?

Oh fgs why dont you just say leave the bastard
i did my degree years ago and have been working since then in a great job that cost us nothing in childcare.
I decided to convert my degree meaning childcare full time for one year.
If dh gave up his job and said 'oh im going to be a volunteer can you just pay fir all the things i cant afford now ive left my very well paid job' id tell him to stick it.
Same i knew if i gave up my family friendly, well paid job then i have to take the slack for the extra cost, i get extra for doing it do why wouldnt that be used fir childcare

My mums house is in both our names, so we have two shared houses.

If you are a partnership then you are a team.

The only fair way for things to work is this:

You have a joint account that you both have access to. You both decide how much money goes in here. This is for all joint expenses. Rent/mortgage, bills, food, household stuff, any child-related expenses.

You then both have your own separate accounts. Leftover money is divided into these equally for your spending money. You only have access to your own. You are not allowed to comment on how the other person spends their spending money. They can spend it all on handbags or on xbox games or whatever they like because it is their spending money.

You both deserve to have the same amount of spare cash to use as you like.

Will this year mean you can earn more in future though? That weighs into the balance I think.

To go back to your original point, he is being highly unreasonable to buy himself a bike before he has paid off his chunk of the holiday or whatever it was on the credit card.

And I still think you are bonkers not to have fully joint finances

I don't get this his money, my money thing...

He sounds like a right arse!