My mother and her "it was just a joke, don't be so sensitive!" routine

[muminthecity]

She does this all the bloody time. I love her to bits, she is very supportive and helps me out loads with DD, she is an excellent grandmother.

However, occasionally she will decide to pull me up about something, or have a go at me over something I've supposedly done wrong. Most of the time I just let it go, but on the odd occasion when I do get annoyed/offended and challenge her she will immediately turn it around and say "Oh, it was only a joke, I was messing about, you know I don't really mean/think that!" What can I say to that? We both know that it wasn't a joke at all, and that she did mean what she said, but how can I pull her up on it without looking like I'm being oversensitive or looking for an argument?

Example: Mum is babysitting for me tomorrow night. She seemed perfectly happy to do so, often babysits on a Thursday as she enjoys spending time with DD and Thursdays suit her best. I don't usually go out as I have to get up early for work on Friday. However, as I am not working this Friday I have arranged a night out with friends tomorrow, which I mentioned to mum in conversation yesterday.

I sent her a text a little while ago asking what time she would like me to drop DD of tomorrow. She text back with the time, and then put "Can't wait to see DD, at least I know she loves me! Never sure about you, think you're only nice to me cos you need me to babysit! x"

I was going to phone her but I know if I ask her what she means by that she will do her 'just a joke' thing and leave me wondering if I am just far too sensitive. What do you think? Am I being over sensitive? Is it worth challenging her comment?

I should add that there is no truth to what she said, I don't need her to babysit, yes it's nice that she does but I never ask her to. And I am always nice to her, always going out of my way to help her out though she would probably disagree.

Am very interested to hear an outside opinion. TIA.

"Wow, mum, way to boost my confidence. Do you need the fire brigade to help you get that foot out of your mouth?"

"No, mum, it can't have been a joke. Jokes are funny"

My ea H does this all the time. Its awful.

She sounds incredibly passive aggressive. The best thing to do is ignore it TOTALLy, as in no response either way, she will probably stop doing it.

Thank you for the replies. Most responses would just be met with her telling me how over sensitive and ridiculous I'm being. Ignoring is hard fridakahlo, today's example was mild in comparison to some of her more cutting comments. She is VERY passive aggressive.

"you really sound nasty and passive-aggressive when you make jokes like that, Mum. you should try not to do that, it makes you look bad"

I might be inclined to take her seriously and ask her, in a kindly way, if she does feel like that, then reassure her it's not the case.
Perhaps she doesnt feel able to come out and say it straight, perhaps you could take the 'grown up' role here?
(I'm not meaning to suggest that you are in any way not a grown up, but I know it can be hard not to slip into a 'junior' role with parents :) )

I would try to ignore this too. The thing about babysitting does sound like a 'joke' to me, as in she doesn't mean it seriously. She's indicating that she'd like a closer relationship with you.

We are obviously long lost siblings.

I could have written your post.

"I don't mind babysitting for you - - - even though I know that's all you want me for"

"what?? what do you mean? I call you all the time, not just when I want a babysitter!"

"Oh don't take everything so seriously, Chicken! you know I'm only joking"

She isn't though.

This sounds exactly like my own mother, who in the space of 5 minutes can make enough comments to make me feel like a shit mother, a slovenly housekeeper, and a failure as a human being.

I have posted on another thread about my DP dumping me last week - one of the things he said to me was "I am not going to be made to feel small by you, like your mum makes you feel small". I relayed this comment to my mum who simply could not grasp it. Her response: "Well! How unperceptive! I do NOT make you feel small, no one loves you more than I do..." etc.

Some people just have no insight into how their behaviour affects others. I recently took my kids to their swimming lesson which is something my mum normally does (she charges me for this service!) as I work full time, long hours, and am a single parent. I got talking to another mum there who obviously usually chats to my mum, and towards the end of the lesson she said "Oh your mum is SO proud of you, she's always talking about your achievements". I was speechless. Literally. Jaw on floor moment. But there you are. I think my mum does love me but she is clueless as to how her barbed comments all the time have a bad effect on my self-esteem.

Enough about me though. What I wanted to say was: you can't change other people, only how you react to them. Sometimes you can just walk away from someone who makes you feel bad but when it is your own mum, and you can't, you have to find ways of accepting how she is without taking it personally. Very, very hard to do but when you can manage it, quite liberating.

Example: today I took my kids to see a west end show. I had bought 4 x tickets for this a long time ago and it was meant to be a lovely family treat, but then my boyfriend left me on Friday. I couldn't face taking the kids on my own so I asked my mum (only person I could ask at such short notice). On the way there she managed to ask what was "wrong" with my daughter's hair style (nothing) and then ask if my daughter's hair needed a wash and why hadn't I done it?

I ignored it and have come home and after my second large glass of red and reading your post, am feeling less shit and more philosophical about it. Life is hard. Don't let your mum's careless comments make it harder. I'm sure she doesn't mean it, but even if she does, try to be kind to yourself by finding a way to let it wash over you. And absolutely do not acknowledge it. Like dealing with a naughty child: ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

Oh and P.S. - be grateful your mum will babysit for you at all! My mum goes on constantly about the "7-star service" she gives me with my children, for which she charges me £600 per month to look after my kids for 3.5 hours after school! No one can believe this when I tell them, and yet my mum insists I am lucky to have this so cheap and that everyone she knows thinks it is perfectly normal to charge to look after your own grandchildren.

When I got a small payrise once - which amounted to £200 a month after tax, and which I did not tell her about - she found out about it by nicking some of my payslips (I found them quite recently in a drawer in her house when looking for some of my DD's hair bobbles), and then handed me a letter one day (a LETTER! Not even a chat!) saying "I have done a lot for you over the past year and I now require £200 more per month to continue doing it"!

Sorry, am hijacking your thread!

Chickenskin - That is exactly the way it goes with my mum, and then we're supposed to just laugh it off and change the subject!

Peppin - Our mothers sound very similar. My mum does love me, without a doubt and I'm sure she says nice things about me to others. Your mum's hairwashing comment sounds very familiar! My mum always asks DD if she's had a bath/hairwash when she sees her, despite the fact that she is always clean and well presented. If I question her (e.g. Mum, you can see she's clean, of course I've bathed her) she will say "Ooh, don't get all defensive, I was only making conversation!" Or something similar. Drives me insane! It's good to know I'm not the only one though, I guess I will just have to do my best to rise above it. (Easier said than done!)

Peppin - x posted with your last post, that is very sad, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I am very grateful that my mum babysits, and I always thank her and let her know how grateful I am.

It's so good (sorry) to hear that I am not alone in this. My mum also tells me I am terribly over-sensitive, yet in all my other relationships I'm usually accused of being "hard" and "think-skinned" - go figure!

Mums are weird. But I think most of them love us in their way. Mine is being quite kind (it's all relative...) at present because I am so clearly at rock-bottom emotionally - but give it a week or so and I'm sure she'll be telling me he left me because I'm so horrible!

peppin £600! A childminder would be about a third of that! why do you do it?

My mother is surrounded by over-sensitive people, apparently? she's 65 and is still yet to work out that she is the common factor in all these instances where family and friends take ridiculous umbrage at something she has said.

So, of course, no one challenges her anymore?

I used to pay a childminder £8 an hour for the 2 of them. What my mum does also works out about £8 an hour, but the childminder required collection by 6pm latest and I cannot get back before 7pm earliest - and she's the only one who collects from my kids' school. Also, as far as the kids are concerned, they go to their grandparents' house where they can invite their friends over and do what they like in "their" space - which was not the same at the quite regimented child-minder they used to go to.

If I could turn back the clock I would never, EVER have got into this arrangement but I now feel totally trapped by it. It's destroyed my relationship with my mother and I loathe the whole set-up. But I can't afford a nanny, don't have a bedroom for an au pair, and there isn't a child minder nearby who will do the right hours, so I'm stuck with it. I hate it and feel like a cash cow.

Meantime my (30-something) brother has lived for free in my parents' house for the past 3.5 years, eats and drinks (the latter, a lot) also for free, and (when he has work) has his packed lunches made for him by my mum every day.

When someone commented that my life was hard the other day, my mum said "What's hard about your life? I do everything for you!" !!

Peppin - arrange other childcare, it will cost you far less than that. It also will be with someone who won't talk to you like shit and makes you feel like they are doing you a favour to do paid childcare.

OP - I'd not reply. Or reply "OK, great, thanks." She's after a response.

Pippin - your mum is robbing you blind. Seriously, a registered childminder would be cheaper.

Peppin, it sounds as though you need to find a CM fast.

Muminthecity, your mum sounds a little like mine. She makes slightly off "jokes" and little comments. I don't think she is aware that they come over as being as negative as they are and, unfortunately, over the years I've become increasingly sensitive to what she says. I think we've got to the point where I have a tendency to overreact, but I try and control my public reaction because I think she is genuinely unaware. TBH I try and blank out a lot of what she says to me these days.

Some people make jokes because they are slightly insecure.....while I can see that wrt the babysitting "quip", one could read it either as a comment in bad taste, I do know some people are also very comfortable with treating that as banter. But your mum could slightly be wanting some reassurance from you that you also love her very much for herself, and isn't sure that you do....so this "half joke/half insensitive" remark could possibly have a double meaning - a small cry for reassurance saying "please text back the reply 'don't be silly, of course I value you for yourself and not just because you offer free babysitting'"......equally some people might mean "I'm joking but I honestly do think you treat me as a free babysitter sometimes". I think it all has to do with communication and security in a relationship - it sounds like she needs a lot of reassurance. (Perhaps also now that you have a lovely DD whom you might - in her mind - love more than her and no longer have any need for her.)

Should warn you that having had friends and relations who behave like this, you should be warned that it might take a few years to over a decade for people/your mum to become secure and talk to you normally. Just have to accept that this is a part of them - for the time being - and try to be supportive about their fears and insecurities.

X post Peppin, can you look at reducing your hours? Also keep asking around/looking for Childminders, you might find someone who'll do it. Might be worth asking other mums at the school.

Can't reduce hours - in fact a few months ago started a new job which involves much longer hours, as a result of X-DH having been out of work for over a year. Am considering moving closer to work, though as renting/buying property closer to work would be more expensive, the net effect would probably be increased outgoings even with fewer childcare hours needed. Genuinely feel trapped in the current arrangement so try (not very successfully) to avoid thinking about it as much as possible.

Thank you again for the replies, I am finding them all really helpful.

kipperandtiger - Your post really struck a chord. My mum is the type that needs constant reassurance, not just from me but from everyone. She is probably quite insecure. Maybe I need to stop reacting negatively to her comments and try to be a bit kinder and reassuring.

Muminthecity - are we sisters?

Mine used to reduce me to tears regularly as a child, either with her barbed comments to me or in front of me (apparently if you're not being negative about something, you're being thick and you don't have anything useful to say) or her full-on screaming matches with my father where "they were just having an interesting intellectual conversation and that's how intellectual conversations are held, not everyone has to be bland and stupid like a sheep" etc etc. After a few years in a considerably more intellectual environment than my home environment, i began to realise that one didn't have to be passive-aggressive or openly aggressive in order to be intelligent and insightful...

In recent years it's become obvious that my Mum lacks social insight and has some strong ASD traits (as do the others in my family, and me) and that - while a diagnosis isn't going to happen any time soon in her case - some of the coping strategies I've learnt for myself, might help her. I have felt a lot more positive since I've been able to treat all this as something where I can help, rather than something where I'm being annoyed by someone else's seriously annoying behaviour.

I guess in your case - you could take it out of her hands and use some psychological CBT-type strategies for passive aggression and lack of social insight? That way you get to take it less personally, you get to do something positive about her sodding vile behaviours, and you never know, the strategies might actually work! Rising above the negativity is often the best retaliation anyway...