My mother and her "it was just a joke, don't be so sensitive!" routine

[muminthecity]

She does this all the bloody time. I love her to bits, she is very supportive and helps me out loads with DD, she is an excellent grandmother.

However, occasionally she will decide to pull me up about something, or have a go at me over something I've supposedly done wrong. Most of the time I just let it go, but on the odd occasion when I do get annoyed/offended and challenge her she will immediately turn it around and say "Oh, it was only a joke, I was messing about, you know I don't really mean/think that!" What can I say to that? We both know that it wasn't a joke at all, and that she did mean what she said, but how can I pull her up on it without looking like I'm being oversensitive or looking for an argument?

Example: Mum is babysitting for me tomorrow night. She seemed perfectly happy to do so, often babysits on a Thursday as she enjoys spending time with DD and Thursdays suit her best. I don't usually go out as I have to get up early for work on Friday. However, as I am not working this Friday I have arranged a night out with friends tomorrow, which I mentioned to mum in conversation yesterday.

I sent her a text a little while ago asking what time she would like me to drop DD of tomorrow. She text back with the time, and then put "Can't wait to see DD, at least I know she loves me! Never sure about you, think you're only nice to me cos you need me to babysit! x"

I was going to phone her but I know if I ask her what she means by that she will do her 'just a joke' thing and leave me wondering if I am just far too sensitive. What do you think? Am I being over sensitive? Is it worth challenging her comment?

I should add that there is no truth to what she said, I don't need her to babysit, yes it's nice that she does but I never ask her to. And I am always nice to her, always going out of my way to help her out though she would probably disagree.

Am very interested to hear an outside opinion. TIA.

Blimey, I didn't realise that my mean mum wasn't a one-off!

Mine does this sometimes.

I just remind her how hurtful she found it when her Dad used to say it to her.

"Yes, I don't love you, I just want you to babysit for me".

See what she says.

Does she also do the thing described on another thread tonight (the one about people telling urban myth stories as though they've experienced them) where she grossly misrepresents what someone has said, with zero regard for how she makes that person appear when she recounts what they've said, and then says she was joking when you pull her up? I think it's part of the same lack of social insight. My mother makes everyone sound utterly appalling the way she tells stories... and then can't understand why people don't like her...

Not really Anna, though she did tell me the postage stamp during a smear test story, happened to her friend apparently!

The thing is girls, that by commenting on your own daughter's hair as being dirty, your own mother is eroding your daughter's sense of self worth. And you are allowing your mothers to treat your own daughters like shit. this is just unbelievable emotional abuse.

Please quit your job peppin or renegotiate your hours and conditions, your abusive mother should not be anywhere near your precious children. Are there no colleagues who would share childcare - does your manager not support you? You sound smart, there must be someway out of this hellish situation.

Time to stop the vicious cycle of abuse (even if it is caused by ASD or lack of social insight) the net effects are still the same - your daughter feels like shit cos she's been called dirty by her grandmother... you'd fire your CM for that.
Think about it.

Peppin-your arrangement with your mother is a horrific abuse on her part. I was shocked when you said you paid her for childcare but to actually know that she is snooping through your things and as a consequence of her snooping, taking your whole pay-rise, that quite frankly is sickening.
Mumin-more reassurance and kindness would not go amiss but DON'T do it in response to her comments. Instead every time she does something for you, praise her to the skies. Positive reinforcement is a very powerful tool.

Peppin, put out some ads. There might be an Au pair with free hours, or a student who can help.

Peppin, your mother snoops and takes your payslips? That is just creepy. She sounds outrageous and is taking the p*ss.

I'd shop around for childminders personally especially if you feel trapped. I bet you could find one that is flexible and wouldn't snoop and would be better for you all in terms of mental health.

I am very at your mother.

Ps on another point, I really don't think saying someone needs a a hair wash is emotional abuse.

And an au pair costs around £70 per week live in.

Peppin - you could move so you have space for an au pair, or you could hire a nanny for the evenings.

Either would be much more in your DCs interest.

You could hint to your Mum that when she needs help as she gets older, you will insist on being paid way over the odds

muminthecity - try reading up on assertiveness techniques, that is really all you need to handle your Mum's passive aggression without it getting to you

Peppin - what a rough time you are having. I'm so sorry to hear that. Not sure if your mum is being helpful or even kind with regards to looking after her grandchildren. Have never heard of anyone "charging" to have their grandkids over. My mum used to give her mum an allowance to pay bills and it was generous, but to call it "childminding fees" would have been completely laughable - or shocking. I'd definitely look for a childminder. If she says that about your daughter's hair in your presence, I'm a bit concerned as to what she might be saying in your absence. Negative things about you? It wasn't a terrible thing but I don't think it made your daughter feel great. Nice way to ruin an outing, grandma! And stealing your payslips???!! That's so wrong I think it might even be against the law.....was she planning to return them before or after your tax return was due...

blimey so much rings so true to me on this thread
what is it about these mums? mine used to look after my dcs for me years ago but no friends were ever allowed around.i get jibes all the time about my dds weight - she is a size 10 teenager - my mum has food issues.i am a size 16 but she would never have the guts to challenge or comment on my size to my face so does it about dd instead.
we also had the theatre ticket thing a few weeks ago when dd suggested that maybe nan would like to go as i can't (long story) - my mum pulled a bored face and refused to go.
nice very nice.all my family are like this and so are my in laws.

Maybe I need to stop reacting negatively to her comments and try to be a bit kinder and reassuring.

You are a very kind person. But this will not work: no amount of external reassurance will help her. Her self-esteem can only improve if she works on it herself.

And in the meantime, she will continue to put you down and put you down to get a tiny charge of superiority each time.

It's really not worth your effort.