Please can someone talk to be about a Wonderful but Useless DH? :(

[LumpyLatimer]

I wish I could namechange for this but can't fecking work out how to do it

DH has just left for the night shift (he's in the emergency services) without kissing me goodbye for the first time in 12 years of marriage. I don't think we've ever parted on bad terms, so this is a pretty big deal. I feel like I am being an unmitigated cow but I don't know how to deal with it all.

He is wonderful. Honest to God he is. If you met him you'd give me a thick ear and say don't I know how lucky I am. I honestly believe he's never done an unkind thing to me or another person in his entire life. He believes completely in marriage being a partnership - I feel totally valued and he is very willing on the domestic front, to the extent of getting a bit cross if I thank him or doing something like washing up or hoovering ("Don't thank me! I live here: it's my job!") etc. etc.

But.

He is becoming absolutely useless. I can't think of a better way of putting it. It's become increasingly so - not an overnight uselessness.

If I ask him to do something (say, he is home and I am working long hours) it will be done badly, or not at all, or he will completely misunderstand. He seems unable to grasp a set of instructions (I hate having to give them in the first place, but tend to need to or he'll just look anxious and baffled). He will remember maybe the last point but then have to keep hearing everything again, almost like he's just zoned out.

He is always tired. He is almost always ill in a low-level sort of way. This means that nothing ever gets done not because he's being a bastard - he doesn't ahve a shred of bastardness in him - but because he's weary, he's done 12 hour shifts, he feels sick, etc.etc.

He never remembers anything about my life. Today I had a crucially important meeting (I mean a once in a lifetime one) which I felt sick about before I left for work this morning. 15 minutes after the meeting ended he called and I was pleasantly surprised thinking he'd bloody remembered something for a change, but he said nothing about it - didn't ask how it went - just wearily said how tired he was and when would I be home.

He makes huge mistakes. He's twice locked us both out of the house in the past year - £110 gone a time for a locksmith. Both times I have had to sort the locksmith out because he's upset/weary/generally not very capable. He can't deal with any household paperwork.

Anyway, upshot is I just keep nagging and nagging and nagging and I think it's really damaging. It's demeaning to a clever, kind, lovely man to be nagged. And it's hideous to hear myself do it. But if I didn't I would be worn down doing every single task.

I'm starting to get resentful. Why can't he ever look after me? Why can't I have a rotten day at work for once, and come home to my favourite supper?

And if i ever say anything about it - like just now - he never argues, just hangs his head dumbly and says I'm right and he's sorry, and I have to then make him feel better again. And I'm SO TIRED. I want someone to look after me. I want to respect him. I cant' stand feeling exasperated and infuriated and actually, increasingly contemptuous of the dearest kindest man who ever lived .

Oh I don't know. Congrats if you're still reading. What do I do I suppose is the answer. I'm beginning to think he just needs another job but that's not on the cards for a loooooong time, and by then I'll've run off with someone controlling and wealthy just so I can have a rest

Hmph...

Ummm he's been to the GP about all this right?

Hello, how old is your DH? Has he always been forgetful? Dreamy?
Is it possible that he has depression? You mention that he is in the emergency services, could he be suffering from PTSD?

Second Proud's reaction - it sounds like he might not be entirely well.

Do you leave room for him to be capable?

I do everything.

We went to a counsellor, and she pointed out that I don't need anything. I am very capable and take on everything, sort everything out, don't 'need' practically or emotionally.

I wasn't giving my DH any room to look after me.

So sometimes I will just go in for a cuddle, 'lower' than him, so he can cuddle me.

I know it doesn't do anything real, but it just makes me appreciate him a bit. I can't change my control freakery independent nature, but I can try and let him have a bit of space to be 'the husband' IYSWIM.

I would send him off to the GP asap. I'd be really worried that there was some underlying medical issue behind the neausea and tiredness.

Proud I have just insisted that he go to the GP. He has said he will ask for a referral to the Occupational Therapist people at work (who deal with stress stuff too).

mini he's only 38. He has always been a little sort of gentle in things if you see what I mean - i wouldn't say slow, but quiet and considered.

I wonder if he is depressed :( he has seen some pretty hideous things at work. PTSD hasn't occurred to me.

If this was very sudden I would instantly have thought stress/PTSD but it's been so gradual - over the years, almost.

If he is ambulance staff I can say that 12hrs are utterly horrible, you are always tired and bugs get picked up so easily you nearly always have a cold/virus/sore throat

I have been better since I started taking a really good multi vitamin and omega 3 oil

Oh hell I'm really worried now. Why WHY didn't I make him a GP appt today.

Nagoo I think that might be part of it too. I am A Coper. Always have been. would resent the implication that I'm not. Maybe I've just got into the habit of doing everything all the time, so now when maybe he's not well it's been masked by the roles we've taken on over the years

Oh I might as well totally out myself - he's a cop.

It'd be nice if it was a deficiency that could be easily sorted. . .

The thing is, from what I gather, he is excellent at his job. Never ever in trouble (and that is seriously rare). Admired by senior staff, given junior lads/lasses to look after etc.

I said the other day during one of my rants considered expressions of opinion that he gives everything he has to the Job, and there is nothing left over for me/us.

I'd try to make sure there are no health issues too.

Unfortunately it could be early signs of something, particularly if he has been getting worse.

Bright you lot are wonderful, you are

We went through something similar here with DH. He works in forensic psychiatry and he wasn't coping with some of the crap he deals with at work. He's seen some pretty disturbing things. DH became forgetful, withdrawn, quiet, lost his humour, couldn't plan ahead, tried to avoid all responsibility, tired, couldn't sleep. It wasn't sudden, it happened over a period of about a year, until I caught on, a few months later I snapped and demanded he get help. It was terrifying because my first thought was, that he was losing his marbles.

Does any of this seem like your experience?

I'm not offering a diagnosis here, but some of the symptoms - tiredness, poor concentration, poor memory remind me of being hypothyroid.

Lots of other conditions have those symptoms too, and it's hard to recognise that there's an actual problem if the onset is gradual.

I'm glad he's going to see the GP and OT.

I know you need a bit of looking after, but it sounds like you might need to do a bit more looking after him for a while.

Mini that is absolutely, exactly, totally and completely it. Totally.

And FGS, if I saw a tenth of what he sees....last month he discovered a lad beaten almost to death. Saved his life. Stayed with him while he was intubated at hospital, dealt with the boy's Mum.

Christ. and here I am complaining about fucking housework.

Athing I think you're right. Certainly about looking after him a bit longer.

Sounds a little like my DH who suffers from extreme anxiety. He internalises things and at a bad patch can't make it into the kitchen for a cup of tea without forgetting what he's gone for. He doesn't even realise he's forgotten. Sometimes I get mad, but it doesn't help. I second the why can't I have a bad day, why do I always have to put on a smile and deal with life. The GP has been good and honest with me. A psychiatric nurse gave some counselling and he's now doing CBT which is helping him see his actions and the effect on others. My family are good and I make sure I have some personal time each week so I can step away and regain my own perspective.

Can you contact him, mobile? If so would it be worth sending a text to say you're sorry you parted tonight on bad terms?

Do you think he'd go to the GP with you to talk it through?

get him down the GP.

DH was similar, this low-level ill health thing with a touch of depression symptoms. eventually i managed (after much coaxing and then eventually just outright You Will Do This Or There Will Be Consequences) to get him into the GP's.

and there it was, clinical hypothyroidism. he was put on meds at the next appointment. i can't tell you how much it's improved his health and how he "seems" iyswim.

if DH is a paramedic i wouldn't be at all surprised if there's a mental health component too.

once the health issues have been looked at, if there's still no improvement, start thinking about whether you're taking on too much without thinking about it. you can have a frank chat with him and hand over certain things to him. it can be done, you just need to renegotiate.

ANT do you think we could go to the GP together?? Can we do that? It does sound similar. But then of course sometimes he's fine - it's just that when he is fine, that's somehting to be noted and applauded, which is stupid - he's not a child that should get a round of applause because they managed to get the shopping in!

I would worry that he just wouldn't say everything he needs to (at the GP I mean). But then is that just because I'm controlling and I think he can't do anything right?

I worry that I'm being hard on him, that things aren't as bad as they seem - because I do get things right, I tend not to cock up, I'm used to being capable etc., I'm holding him up to some ideal that I probably don't even meet myself, you know?

O I don't bloody know.

Thanks Oik (and everyone) - Googling hypothyroidism now.

Btw if I'm gone for a bit it's because the breadmaker is howling at me

It's hard
There's a lot of shitty stuff, night shifts knacker you out, after a day shift you just want to eat and sleep. Days off your body doesn't know what it is doing
Exercise helps, decent food and supplements and talking to someone, occy health a good idea

Lumpy, what's his shift pattern like atm? Does he drive for the entire shift?

When my DH was on 12hrs he was less than useless because it was so fucked up (lates, lates, lates, early, early, off, off, off etc), so even on his first couple of days off he couldn't function as a person...is there any chance your DH could change roles?

Mine moved onto an 8 hr shift pattern (and a less intensive role), is eating a bit better & he says he feels more 'like himself'.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk about it. x

In my case DH had been on his own, at my request, to GP with no real outcome. I'm afraid he did get treated a little like my forth child and marched back in out of shear frustration on my part. I made notes of things that were going on and had examples. The GP didn't exactly diagnose, but he listened and made the referrals to the psychiatric nurse for my DH to start opening up about some of the stuff locked inside. I felt better and it definitely took us a step forward. I think the GP requested some blood for various tests too-nothing came back from them.

I think it's almost a unanimous get him to the GP.

I hope the bread is okay

Lumpy - I do a lot of my DH's medical appointments with him because it's hard for him to remember and/or verbalise everything he's going through. For some things it's easier for an outside person to describe them, anyway. So it's quite legitimate for you both to go so you can describe the symptoms from your perspective - as long as he's happy with that, of course.

It sounds absolutely draining for you, you must be exhausted too. Is there any way he could move to a less demanding role for a few months, just to power down and regroup? I'm sure this is a completely ridiculous suggestion to make for that kind of role, but it seems like this could be a relatively common problem in that type of work.

Lumpy DH was wary about going to the Dr because he was afraid he'd be "labelled" as depressive or a malingerer, and i think he was thinking "i just won't let the Dr know how i'm really feeling because i don't want a fuss"

if it helps, i said to DH "you're suffering ill health and it's making me feel terribly sad. i go to work in the mornings feeling tearful because i'm so worried about how drained and unhappy you seem. the doctor can at least screen you for simple things that they can fix easily...like thyroid issues etc. why don't we just give it a try? worst-case scenario, you're depressed. and then they'll give you ADs. and then you'll feel better! isn't that all that matters? you'll have a solution."

basically, i tried to frame it as him using the Dr's services to find a solution to the problem. to help him feel good and to help me feel happier. it's not about admitting defeat, it's about taking control of the situation. maybe that approach will help with DH if he seems resistant? (if he is. maybe it will be fine!)

good luck.

Do you think your DH would admit there is a problem? I think once someone realises for themselves it is easier for them to seek help.

DH works with PDs who self harm plus mentally ill people who have committed serious crimes. A few years ago he had to cut someone down, they had ligatured, she died. When I finally managed to get DH to realise that he needed to speak to someone and get help, we had the added complication that in his line of work he is really just expected to deal with it!

Does your DH get good support at work, good debrief or individual supervision so that he can reflect on the more stressful aspects of his job?