Please can someone talk to be about a Wonderful but Useless DH? :(

[LumpyLatimer]

I wish I could namechange for this but can't fecking work out how to do it

DH has just left for the night shift (he's in the emergency services) without kissing me goodbye for the first time in 12 years of marriage. I don't think we've ever parted on bad terms, so this is a pretty big deal. I feel like I am being an unmitigated cow but I don't know how to deal with it all.

He is wonderful. Honest to God he is. If you met him you'd give me a thick ear and say don't I know how lucky I am. I honestly believe he's never done an unkind thing to me or another person in his entire life. He believes completely in marriage being a partnership - I feel totally valued and he is very willing on the domestic front, to the extent of getting a bit cross if I thank him or doing something like washing up or hoovering ("Don't thank me! I live here: it's my job!") etc. etc.

But.

He is becoming absolutely useless. I can't think of a better way of putting it. It's become increasingly so - not an overnight uselessness.

If I ask him to do something (say, he is home and I am working long hours) it will be done badly, or not at all, or he will completely misunderstand. He seems unable to grasp a set of instructions (I hate having to give them in the first place, but tend to need to or he'll just look anxious and baffled). He will remember maybe the last point but then have to keep hearing everything again, almost like he's just zoned out.

He is always tired. He is almost always ill in a low-level sort of way. This means that nothing ever gets done not because he's being a bastard - he doesn't ahve a shred of bastardness in him - but because he's weary, he's done 12 hour shifts, he feels sick, etc.etc.

He never remembers anything about my life. Today I had a crucially important meeting (I mean a once in a lifetime one) which I felt sick about before I left for work this morning. 15 minutes after the meeting ended he called and I was pleasantly surprised thinking he'd bloody remembered something for a change, but he said nothing about it - didn't ask how it went - just wearily said how tired he was and when would I be home.

He makes huge mistakes. He's twice locked us both out of the house in the past year - £110 gone a time for a locksmith. Both times I have had to sort the locksmith out because he's upset/weary/generally not very capable. He can't deal with any household paperwork.

Anyway, upshot is I just keep nagging and nagging and nagging and I think it's really damaging. It's demeaning to a clever, kind, lovely man to be nagged. And it's hideous to hear myself do it. But if I didn't I would be worn down doing every single task.

I'm starting to get resentful. Why can't he ever look after me? Why can't I have a rotten day at work for once, and come home to my favourite supper?

And if i ever say anything about it - like just now - he never argues, just hangs his head dumbly and says I'm right and he's sorry, and I have to then make him feel better again. And I'm SO TIRED. I want someone to look after me. I want to respect him. I cant' stand feeling exasperated and infuriated and actually, increasingly contemptuous of the dearest kindest man who ever lived .

Oh I don't know. Congrats if you're still reading. What do I do I suppose is the answer. I'm beginning to think he just needs another job but that's not on the cards for a loooooong time, and by then I'll've run off with someone controlling and wealthy just so I can have a rest

Hmph...

and i have worked rotating shifts myself... i agree they are truly appalling in terms of health. shift work even elevates cancer risk.

especially from the 30s onwards, messing with circadian rhythm is REALLY difficult for a body to take.

Thanks so much for this everyone. I could weep and indeed am. It's hard to talk to people IRL about this - his Mum is disabled and lovely but quite distracted by her own problems, and I'm loathe to let any of our friends (all of whom adore him) think he's being a bit rubbish (although now I'm really beginning to see that's a totally unjust way of looking at it).

Sorry if I miss some points

Horse thanks matey, and I may well do that :)

The shifts are insane. INSANE. Random. 12 hour this, 11 hour that, 2 days off, quick turnaround; I would be bonkers and conkers if I was like that. He doesn't drive every day but fairly regularly (he's on Response).

ATM that's really helpful, thanks so much. I will put it to him the rather brilliant way oik describes...and you see that's it; in a job where you are a basically a costumed superhero in an environment where you Show No Weakness any sniff of being ill with so much as hayfever and you think that's it as far as transfers and promotion goes :(

Because of the fecking Olympics I doubt he'll be able to get anything for a while ,and because of the fecking Tories there are cuts everywhere. But I wondered if maybe OH would recmomend that he needs transferring to a different role??

Sorry this has turned into more of a health than a relationships chat.

But it is SO damaging on our relationship and it's making me hate myself, and it's making me convinced he hates me too, you know?

O and trib not a ridiculous suggestion at all, I think that's pretty much the heart of it tbh...

My husband is in the same job - also in Response. He also does 12 hour shifts, quick turn arounds, kept on after shift ends etc. If I were you, I'd herd him down to the GP, have a chat. My husband over the past year or so had been ill a few times, nothing you could put your finger on, I had recently had a baby so my sympathy was waning hugely. A few months ago he was rushed into hospital for an emergency appendectomy - he was in quite a bad way and had obviusly been suffering for quite a while

Its a bastard of a job when you're not in full health, and it can also be draining being married to someone who keeps those kind of hours, who has seen things they are afraid to even tell their partner. Take care of both of you and hope things improve.

Oh gosh Loose, your poor DH and poor you

I have just texted and apology and a stern insistence we see the GP early next week. I said I had taken some advice which he will immediately know came from MN

I am so concerned that this is going to be damaging to our relationship if it goes on. But yeah, it doesn't need to go on, if we can find the root cause and tackle it.

Thanks once again for everyone's replies. Sorry if I didn't respond directly to everyone. Every post has been really appreciated.

Ive had this low level illness and ill health and lack of energy for a while now. Its absolutely horrible. A lot of it has cleared up since i went on antidepressants.

I think the shift work is messing with him

You both need a bloody holiday, push comes to shove get the poor bugger a sick note and some rest.

I hope he's home from his shift and you've made up.

Best of luck with everything :)

I echo Athing's post.

It sounds like an incredibly stressful job and you sound lovely. OP at work sounds like a good idea. Trib's advice and what oikopolis said to her DP too...

Morning all. He's home safe, snoring away on the sofa, and all is well :)

Before he conked out we had a brief chat about it all - with ref to MN, as in his view that backs up everything I say! - and we're both going to make notes separately, compare, and take to the GP next week.

I think if the OH people at Hendon can recommend that he transfers to something less stressful, then people won't need to know that he transferred because of health reasons - just that he's moving on, IYSWIM. I think that it's really important to him that he's not seen as weak or giving up. Mind you he's by far the oldest person on the Response team - mostly it's 22 year old lads that bomb about all night

Thanks once again everyone and thanks help - I sure don't feel lovely at the moment: a bit ashamed of myself just now tbh. But I think we can get through this. I might update when we've seen the GP...

[buconfused] sorry I meant OT not OP. Good luck!

I was going to say thyroid issues, I see people have already mentioned it. The kind of mental fog you describe is a very strong symptom of it, as is the illness. Obviously with his job he could just be completely exhausted, poor guy, but it's worth getting it checked out (my boss actually 'sent' me to the GP after I had colds pretty much every week for a few months which is how I got diagnosed- all you need to treat it is a pill every day so it is definitely worth it).

He sounds exhausted and burnt out to me.

I hope either the GP or Occy Health come up with some solutions.

Hope also you can lay off him a bit in the meantime, frustrating as it sounds.

Good luck.