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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me what you think - Is DH having a break down or 'just' being an idiot?

45 replies

chipping · 04/04/2012 19:52

I'm supposed to be packing for our holidays, not mumsnetting, but ...

This has been going on for well over a year, I feel like packing HIS bags, not our holiday bags.

I'll give you an example of Dh's attitude from the past week -

A few days ago he came home minus DS car seat, he had taken it to the tip as he couldn't do the buckle on it. I only bought it 2 wks ago, yes, the buckle is difficult, but not impossible.

Yesterday he woke me up waving a cigarette butt in my face, he had found it on the driveway & wanted to know who was in the house smoking. I being sleepy & a bit groggy said I'd never seen it before (!?) - I had been up with a small child & wasn't really with it.

Today he has hidden all the scissors, because he couldn't find any, now he had found them he was going to hide them from everyone & only he can use them.

I feel like I'm living in a mad house.

I'm sure there is more I was going to write about but I'm knackered.

He has recently lost his job, but he has other means of income.

Off to pack now ...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 20:34

Does he want you to think he is having a breakdown? It all seems quite deliberate, thought out behaviour to me.

EightiesChick · 04/04/2012 20:37

You say this has been going on for a year? So well before losing his job? What was the reason for his job loss?

MadameOvary · 04/04/2012 20:39

All three behaviours are incredibly irrational. What is his attitude to you generally? How would he respond if you tried to talk to him about it?

Lovelynewboots · 04/04/2012 20:41

If this behaviour started a year ago I guess it must have coincided with your pregnancy. My first is nearly 10 now but the strain of things when I was pregnant coincided with some very odd and hurtful behaviour from my partner which left me severely depressed. We did make it through but we are by no means perfect. I too am packing for holiday and just had a massive row with him because he is basically an idiot in many ways. Anway, we had some counselling from my health visitor which helped a lot but we were very lucky and she was very old school and bossy but she put us on the right road. I can only suggest trying to trace back when the behaviour started. Many men cannot cope with the fact that their partner has become a mother and I wonder if that is what is happening here. But I will say one thing, the cigarette butt incident left me feeling a little unsettled as that does sound a tad unhinged. Just take care.

Original poster
chipping · 04/04/2012 20:49

Lovely - I too have a fab health visitor, she's was concerned that I wasn't doing things for 'me' - I am now & this is when the 'behaviour' started.

Madame - i don't get any where trying to talk to him, he shuts down the conversation by laughing at me & saying I am right ... I'm always right ... he is always wrong. it's like a competition - if I voice a different opinion from his he takes offence, laughs & says that 'of course, you are always right'. there isn't any opportunity to have a discussion.

Eighties - reason for job loss is because he wouldn't sign a contract.

OP posts:
Tiago · 04/04/2012 20:53

He sounds nuts. Sorry you have to put up with it. What does he act like the rest of the time?

Lovelynewboots · 04/04/2012 21:02

Well one thing you musn't do is stop doing things for you as your confidence will go down the toilet. And great news you have a good hv, always ring her if things get too much. Do you think he knows how hurtful he is being? Did he throw the car seat away I wonder because it was you who bought it? Did he replace the car seat? My final question, is he a good dad?

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 21:05

My father was like this as I was growing up

it was a special kind of abuse of my mother

The utter piss take of it, the humiliation, the disrespect

My mother said "I will leave him if he ever hits me"

unfortunately, he never hit her

But she is still with him after 45 years, and still a shell of a woman

foolonthehill · 04/04/2012 21:07

To me it sounds like he has big issues around control...both at home and at work (if that was what the not signing is about) is there any other bizarre behaviour/personality change or is this a more extreme version of the man you knew before??

Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 21:08

How will you manage without a car seat? Presumably you need one as you've only just bought it.

Also, if his behaviour started when you stopped pandering to him and started thinking of yourself for a change, he is probably doing it on purpose. Attention seeking? Is he immature in other ways? Does he pull his weight with childcare, etc.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 21:08

My father used to take a sledge hammer to the car in the strret, if it wouldn't start, much to the amyusement of the neighbours (and the shame of his family). I spent much of my childhood trying to minimise his madness and narcissism

he would smash something up if it didn't do what it was meant to do, and take an inanimate object personally

he lost many jobs because he couldn't keep his stupid fucking mouth shut, and had to have his say even though it was entitled bollocks

does this sound like your dh ?

I pity you, if that is the case

nocake · 04/04/2012 21:12

Last week I was discussing with some friends what makes a good marriage. There were lots of ideas but the one thing we all agreed on was that you should have a high regard for each other. If you lose this then you're in trouble.

Do you think he has a high regard for you?

Original poster
chipping · 04/04/2012 21:44

no, nocake I don't think he has high regard for me, I feel that he has very little respect towards me, hence the behaviour.

Eggy - how do you get on with your father? I know that feeling of waiting for the thing that tips you over the edge - somehow emotional abuse doesn't seem enough. For me I am at that piont of thinking when is enough, enough?

fairenuff - I won't be able to manage without a car seat when DCs are back at school. DH will have to buy another that is suitable for him (!?). I researched the one I bought & got the safest.

Lovely - is he a good dad??? I hate to say it but not in my eyes, he is good at having fun, until it turns competative & he always has to win, the Dcs do not have any respect for him. Any discipline is down to me. he does not take responsibility & always says mum says you have to do home work, you have to eat your food etc.

Have tidied 4 rooms, 10 to go, back to it.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 04/04/2012 21:51

he sounds like a complete fruitloop.

Rather you than me!

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 21:52

How old is he? I dont want to worry you but some forms of alzheimers can present at quite a young age. This is irrational enough for me to want my DP to see a gp tbh. I would be worried for his mental health

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 21:55

chipping I hate him

and he would never admit it, but the feeling is mutual, since I started questioning his behaviour in my teens

tbh though, I have least respect for my mother, because she had the choice to walk away from it...I didn't

Original poster
chipping · 04/04/2012 22:06

Eggy, I understand your hate. That's the thing - the Dcs don't have the choice. But if DH is having some sort of breakdown, thats something i need to explore first

Goawaybob he is a lot older than me - 60. he wouldn't see a gp, but I have thought about the possibility of alzheimers. he is hard work, doesn't seem to know what time it is, constantly losing things, very unorganised, misunderstands what people say (& then blames them). is he a complete and utter arse or ill?? difficult when he won't see a doctor & according to him it is everyone else, not him who is at fault.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 04/04/2012 22:09

it doesnt sound like a breakdown, but it does sound like hes got mental health issues.

Unfortunately if he doesnt see that hes acting so bizarrely, then im not sure there is much you can do for him.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 22:12

I believe my father has an undiagnosed MH problem

the trouble is, it's gone unDx for 69 years and has wrecked quite a few lives along the way, as well as his own

in this situation, my belief is that you save yourself first, then you can do the right thing by your dc's

an absent father is better than a father who demonstrates damaging lessons like this

if he is ill...he can find help away from you all

but he doesn't accept it, so why would he ?

so, you stay

not good

piprabbit · 04/04/2012 22:15

Can you see your GP and discuss your concerns? He might be able to clarify your options or suggest a way forward?

Your DH does sound very odd.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 04/04/2012 22:15

Hm. It might be a good idea to start keeping a log of the odd incidents, including forgetting things, misunderstandings etc - just make sure he doesn't notice or find it.... And then even if he won't go to a GP, you could go and take the list (include past events too as far as you can remember) and see what they think.

If he wasn't like this in the past (how long had you been together before this all started?), it would definitely make me wonder about MH issues, particularly given his age.

CailinDana · 04/04/2012 22:15

If this is recent behaviour then I would worry that it is an illness rather than twattery. What was he like when you first got together?

EightiesChick · 04/04/2012 22:16

Has he seen anyone about this? Or has it just been you dealing with it for the past year? He absolutely needs to see a mental health professional if he is going to stay in the family home. Comments are right, you need to keep yourself and your kids safe as first priority.

AgathaFusty · 04/04/2012 22:29

If this behaviour was not evident a year ago, I would question what has bought it about.

What is your gut feeling - is it in character, or completely out of character for him?

If new behaviour, I guess you need to look for possible cause/seek GP help.
If it is long standing behaviour just becoming worse then it may be his personality, in which case you need to decide if you wish to continue to live with it, and if you want your children to grow up in that type of household.

Original poster
chipping · 04/04/2012 22:36

We have been together 10 years, the odd behaviour has been a gradual thing.

At first I thought he was a bit eccentric - nothing wrong with that. He was funny (in a good way), kind, successful. BUT a bit strange about sex (obsessive & entitled) - always has been. (He went to a catholic bording school from 8 to 18yold).

Since i have been 'getting a life' he has been putting me down, subtle at first. he thinks I am very negative and controlling. My friends see me as a free spirit, feisty & positive.

I know that he doesn't think he has a problem, if anything he sees me as having mental health issues. Which is odd, if anything, I am more confident now than I have ever been. hence the questioning regarding our relationship.

OP posts:
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