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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me what you think - Is DH having a break down or 'just' being an idiot?

45 replies

chipping · 04/04/2012 19:52

I'm supposed to be packing for our holidays, not mumsnetting, but ...

This has been going on for well over a year, I feel like packing HIS bags, not our holiday bags.

I'll give you an example of Dh's attitude from the past week -

A few days ago he came home minus DS car seat, he had taken it to the tip as he couldn't do the buckle on it. I only bought it 2 wks ago, yes, the buckle is difficult, but not impossible.

Yesterday he woke me up waving a cigarette butt in my face, he had found it on the driveway & wanted to know who was in the house smoking. I being sleepy & a bit groggy said I'd never seen it before (!?) - I had been up with a small child & wasn't really with it.

Today he has hidden all the scissors, because he couldn't find any, now he had found them he was going to hide them from everyone & only he can use them.

I feel like I'm living in a mad house.

I'm sure there is more I was going to write about but I'm knackered.

He has recently lost his job, but he has other means of income.

Off to pack now ...

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 04/04/2012 22:42

So he has effectively projected the stuff he does onto you as being what you do? That's a big red flag. I don't like the sound of that at all.

Original poster

chipping · 04/04/2012 22:52

Agatha my gut feeling is that on the one hand he is showing his true colours, but on the other I have done something to trigger it.

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 04/04/2012 22:53

He sounds unbearable tbh. Can you elaborate on the sex thing? Don't mean to pry, but 'obsessive and entitled' are not good words when talking about someone's attitude to sex.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 22:56

some large waving red flags here

Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 22:59

Wait a minute, he is obsessive and entitled about sex? Since you have been getting a life he has been putting you down. He sees you as having mental health issues.

And you think you have done something to make him behave like this. Oh dear, this has red flags all over it.

He is probably behaving like this to make you question your own sanity and to force you back into the position where he could control you.

Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 23:07

if DH is having some sort of breakdown, thats something i need to explore first

Actually chipping you don't have to. If he is having a breakdown he needs to go to the GP. You say he won't do that. He is not going to change his behaviour.

You cannot change his behaviour.

Have you tried telling him how royally pissed off you are with his behaviour? Have you laid it on the line that shoving dog ends in your face is unacceptable. Have you demanded an apology? Or do you just ignore all this behaviour. If my dh carried on like that he would be going on holiday alone, with a one way ticket.

Original poster

chipping · 04/04/2012 23:11

Fairenuff - yes, exactly. I know if I agree with everything he says, do not have my own opinion, agree with him on every issue, he would be happy. But i can't.

Sex - ok, at the moment I don't find his behaviour attractive therefore don't find him attractive enough to have sex with him. In the past it hasn't been good. If i have refused he has told me that I am controlling him & emasculating him - even if I have my period, or if we have already had sex a couple of times. He has to have sex to feel good about himself. I didn't think i had any hangups regarding sex until I met DH. he even suggested I see a therapist.

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:13

yuk

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:13

There isn't anything wrong with you, OP

Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 23:16

Oh good Lord. You do know that you are not responsible for his masculinity. And he does not have to have sex to feel good about himself?

What do you want to do about it all chipping, where do you see yourself in two years' time?

kipperandtiger · 04/04/2012 23:17

That is rather worrying behaviour - as in worrying about his mental health. Have his friends, relatives or colleagues ever mentioned him doing anything like this?

LimeLeafLizard · 04/04/2012 23:24

This thread is disturbing. I think you need to get some help, OP.

I would hate being with a man who behaves like this, but you don't sound particularly unhappy - or am I reading this wrong? Do you love him?

Original poster

chipping · 04/04/2012 23:39

Lime - I don't think i do love him anymore, I did before he changed, but now he is a stranger. I am unhappy regarding the relationship & how he treats me. But my life has changed a lot over the past year, I have a lot to be thankful for outside of my marriage - friends, family, if that makes any sense. But yes, my marriage is shit beyond belief.

fairenuff - I'll have to get back to you on the 'where do I see myself'.

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 04/04/2012 23:56

By pestering/persuading you to have sex against your will, he is sexually abusing you. You do know this, don't you?
You seem very intelligent and together. I'd be looking for a way out of this relationship if I were you. Make that the next thing you do 'for yourself'.

Goawaybob · 05/04/2012 09:11

"
Goawaybob he is a lot older than me - 60. he wouldn't see a gp, but I have thought about the possibility of alzheimers. he is hard work, doesn't seem to know what time it is, constantly losing things, very unorganised, misunderstands what people say (& then blames them). is he a complete and utter arse or ill?? difficult when he won't see a doctor & according to him it is everyone else, not him who is at fault"

Well my father had alzheimers and this sounds exactly like it, my dad was a bit older, but people can and do get forms of alzheimers in their forties. I'd hate for you to be posting here about what a cunt he is and then realise that he is in fact ill, with a degenerative disease :( I would seriously consider getting him assessed if this is a "change in behaviour" It wont be sudden, it will be gradual. My lovely dad became a different person, from a gentleman to someone who hit my teenage DD and called her a slag :( He was well into the illness by this point, it broke all of our hearts. It was like he became the antithesis of everything he was before.

Of course, we do have to consider whether this is just him being controlling first though! The thing is, just because you have a pants relationship (im sorry for that) doesn't mean that he isn't ill (separate), but the irrational behaviour, especially the car seat and mistaking what people are saying to him are ringing alarm bells in my head.

I really hope i'm wrong but having been through the hell of watching someone i love disintegrate in front of my eyes with this illness, i would urge anyone who even suspects this to see a doctor (even if you go and visit your own GP and talk to her about it - she will be more qualified to recognise symptoms and warnings than armchair psychs) Early intervention with drugs can slow the progress of this illness significantly.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=864 Please have a look at this link and if any of this rings true for you please get him to a doctor if you possibly can.

I apologise if i am completely out of line here, but it just rang so true for me with my dad. It wasn't just memory loss, it was totally irrational behaviour - he would come round and tell me "she doesn't like me" i just assumed he meant my mum (she wasnt very nice to him actually) but when i questioned him on it once, he said no not her (mum) the other one - he did mean her but he couldnt cope with her being vile to him so made her another person. So very sad, especially as at the begining before we all knew he was ill, we all lost patience with him - me especially, i'll never forgive myself for that.

LimeLeafLizard · 05/04/2012 10:41

Good post, Goawaybob.

Hope this thread has given you some ideas and support OP. Glad you have good things in your life outside your marriage - sounds like you'll need them, whatever the reasons for DH's behaviour. Let us know how it goes.

fiventhree · 05/04/2012 11:46

My mother had early onset alzheimers- diagnosed at 65, but probably had it earlier- it was difficult to tell with her, and I wasnt living locally.

I think there may be other tell tale signs, though, if this was it. For example, they become confused about odd practical things. My mother didnt recognise her house when she came home from shopping, as there were tow similar ones next door. She would then argue with the neighbour about which house was hers. Those sorts of examples make it a bit clearer that it is a form of dementia, as they are not relationship driven issues, if you see what I mean, but practical.

EggyFucker · 05/04/2012 18:03

very obvious pint but worth making, five

if all his "strange" episodes are purely to do with the way he treats you then it isn't Alzeimers or any other form of mental health problem, is it ?

EggyFucker · 05/04/2012 18:03

*point

EggyFucker · 05/04/2012 18:04

I fancy a pint actually < muses >

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