If you were my DD what would you want me to say? Long, sorry.

[overprotectivemummy]

My DD is 23. She is a lovely girl/woman, just finding her feet after doing a very demanding academic degree- still looking for a grad level job etc.

She's had the same boyfriend for 3 years- met at uni- only the 2nd boyfriend she has ever had ( that I know of) and the other boyfriend was very casual and short term.

I am doing the typical mum thing worrying that he is not good enough for her. he dumped her just after her finals and she was distraught but after a few months he came crawling back saying it had all been a mistake- and his reason for dumping her was that she was "no longer such fun"- she'd been working her socks off for a science degree, and had been ill too.

They are still living in the same uni city but not in the same house.

DD is very gentle, kind and generous. She's pretty sensible, but I feel that her boyfriend has red flags. He has a history of depression and possibly had ME so he gets tired a lot. He appears to lean on her, more than she leans on him- he doesn't drive, she passed her test at 17 and has a car so she can get to work.

I am very worried that if they do start living together she may be the one who does all the organising and running in their lives- and he may have future "wobbles" when he is under any pressure.

I have not said alot because I know that any interferring will make her gravitate towards him more and she will ignore her mum.

But on the other hand, I want her to think about the downside of being any more committed to someone who doesn't seem an emotionally strong person, and who might let her down ( again.)

DH says we can't live her life for her and I know that- but I do want to sow some seeds for her to at least think about.

Anyone got any ideas?

i think you have to let her know that youre there for her whatever. I think your dh is right

I'd want you to say exactly all the things that you said in your OP but without any pressure or expectation about what I might do next. And then to probably not ever bring it up again unless I did first

I think you just have to let her make her own decisions I'm afraid. If you force unwanted advice on her, she may react badly or just do what she wants anyway, but the danger will be that if cracks in the relationship do start to appear she may not want to talk to you or make the break herself for fear of being told "I told you so". Hopefully you have a close relationship with her and she can confide in you if and when she wishes, at which point you can give your opinion.

When I was 19 I discovered read my moms diary that my mom did't think that my bf was good eough for me, that I was at University and he wasn't and that I deserved someone better, that she didn't trust him as he had debts. I was distraught and twelve years later, even though he is now my dh and they look like they get on really well, it is always at the back of my mind. I know I should never have read her diary and it has taught me to never ever do that again, but if I were you I would be their for her but leave her to her own decisions.

If they're only in the same city but not the same house I'd say that was a good sign. Once dumped, twice shy and all that. With any luck the job she gets will take her out of his immediate circle... quite easy if he can't drive :) Listen to DH & leave her to it but, if she asks you a straight question, give her a straight answer. My DM put her foot down about my uni-boyfriend and, of course, I married him just to show her she was so wrong about him. She wasn't wrong... I was.

you should probably say nothing.

IF you have an adult-to-adult relationship with her (i.e., you can talk to her without sounding like an overprotective mummy), you could say, in a very matter-of-fact tone, without any gentle introducing of topics or any kind of patronising nonsense:

"i know it sounds mean, but i do worry about BF leaning too hard on you due to his illness. Obviously it's not his fault, but i can't help but want a stress-free life for you. he's a nice bloke and i wish i didn't worry so.

i'm sure you two talk about these things though. hopefully i'm just being silly."

end of, do not mention again.

I've a close friend in her 60s who is also a counsellor. Her 2nd husband left her partly down to his depression. She agreed that anyone who has had depression is a bit of a red flag as it can often rear its head again.

Her advice was that I could maybe talk "generally" about people who have had depression and how it can sometimes come back etc- but DD is no fool and will twig that the boyfriend is a prompt for this!

Also, DD is quite shy- she has very few girlfriends where she is living, and because she met him in year 2, she seemed not to make the effort to make other friends. So her boyfriend is everyone rolled into one. I think he gives her some kind of security but on the other hand shehas absolutely no experience of any other long term relationships.

I agree with your DH. At 23 I doubt I would have listened to any advice from my Mother about my boyfriend.

If I were you I wouldn't say anything, you just need to make sure she is close enough to you, to know that she can come to you for help and support if or when she needs to. If you say something now she may be less inclined to confide in you in the future about her problems in the relationship, as that would mean admitting that you were right and she had been wrong.

Say nothing negative about the boyfriend, and I mean nothing. Daughters of all ages crave their mother's approval and if she feels you disapprove she will withdraw. It might be just in small ways, she might just not tell you about one fight she had or one worry that's playing on her mind, for fear that you will use that as proof of your misgivings. She is a grown woman and what she needs is to feel that you are behind her, no matter what she chooses.

I think it depends on the kind of relationship you have with her.

I agree with Sposh, too.

I wish that my parents had given me more advice when I was your DD's age, with regards to relationships - although I would probably have ignored it. But that's because of the kind of relationship I had/have with them.

Are you close? Do you do lots of chatting anyway? If so, you could probably find a way of putting it in a way that would be acceptable to her and helpful.

I agree that the fact they are not sharing a house is a good sign. Does your DD share a house with others? The fact that she doesn't have many friends there is a worry. I was in a similar situation with a university boyfriend and clung to him for far too long because I felt I didn't have anyone else. Perhaps you could encourage your daughter to take up new interests, so that she can meet some new people.

Does he not drive for health reasons or because he hasn't got around to passing his test? Mine didn't drive either and had no incentive to learn because he had me to ferry him around.

I think the depression is less of a worry than him dumping her at a stressful time and blaming her for being less fun. Suggests he is immature and doesn't have her best interests at heart.

We are quite close- well, she discusses her contraception with me but not the actual sex!

The boyfriend already think we don't like him, but that is to do with the fact he dumped her, she came home and cried for a week.

My DH thinks she may well like someone "weaker" so she can be dominant, as in our family she lived with a very loud, domineering brother.

She did decide not to live with him in a 1 bed flat/bedsit as she told me she wanted her own space a bit, but I keep coming back to the fact that she has no one to compare him with. I almost married my first love you see, at 21 ( he dumped me!) but I acknowledge now how much I have changed and how much I changed before I did marry later on.

In answer to your thread title - I'd want you to say nothing. Nothing at all.

Just be there when if it all does go tits up in the future.

Keeping x posts.

Yes I have encouraged her to do new things- gym and pilates - and I was even paying for those for a while to help her out. But she is very shy- too shy to make the first moves with anyone new she might meet, and her current job is in a small dept.

She used to share a flat with him and 2 other guys- for their 3rd year- but because he left the city for a while after uni, then came back, she found a place in another shared house.

He doesn't drive because he doesn't "see the need". She told me that his parents ( divorced) nag him about it and so does she- and she admits he may be "scared".

I would act as though she wasn't thinking of it being a long term relationship. Anyone who dumps someone for not being much fun during finals has to be completely selfish. Just at a time when she should have been deliriously happy that her finals were over, he ruined everything for her by dumping her. Nice, nice guy. Was he a student, too?

I would help her look for jobs and make sure that not all of them are local to where she lives now. I'd talk to her about the importance of her twenties being a time when she can live anywhere she likes and socialise with people. Encourage her to keep in touch with any girlfriends she does have. Talk to her about interests she can take up now she doesn't have to spend all of her time studying. The goal should be for her to mix with others.

I have a daughter the same age. If someone hurt her like that then no, I wouldn't like him. If someone seemed to want to be dependent on her - particularly after having hurt her - I'd think she'd be better off without him. And yes, if she said, "You don't like him, do you?" then I'd have to say, "Sorry, sweetheart, but as a general rule, I think that if someone's deliberately hurt you then you should keep your distance from them."

I wondered whether he dumped her because he was jealous. Did he worry she'd get a better degree, or move out of his league? There seems to be something about his timing that smacks of putting her in her place.

I'm sure he'd rather have a lift and think he could do a better job of it than drive himself and know he couldn't.

If my mum MN'd I think she would have written a very similar post to you a couple of years ago. I'm 24, met DP (my second boyfriend) in the first year and moved in with him after six/seven months. Because I was so wrapped up in him I didn't really make any friends.

For a number of reasons, we had some pretty horrific arguments in the first year we lived together and I ended up telling my mum.

Don't do what my mum did, OP. I completely understand why she did it, but her reaction has meant that I haven't told her about subsequent difficult things in my life, like my two recent mcs. She told me that she had never liked him, she thought he was bringing me down and suffocating me and that she thought he was trouble.

Nearly six years on, me and DP have come through our 'growing pains' and some pretty rocky patches and we are stronger and more in love than ever - and it's a healthy relationship. It's completely unfair of me to say this, but I do struggle to forget some of the things my mum said about DP. If lido to think that if I were in her position in 20 years time, I would comfort my daughter and try to give impartial advice and leave my personal feelings out of it (until I could get on MN to have a rant )

However you react, it's a difficult situation for you to be in.

It's interesting, TwllBach that you can't forget your mum's worries about someone treating you badly but you can forget his behaviour. Why do you think that is?

You seem to be expecting more from your mum than from your partner.

Mmm, well clearly there isn't a need if he has a chauffeur it his beck and call.

Did you say she was still looking for a graduate job? If so is there anything relevant she cound do on a voluntary basis in her spare time that would be relevant to her field? Gym and pilates might not be the best way to get chatting to new people, whereas it might be easier to meet people who are also volunteering.

It's good that you have a close relationship. Maybe emphasising that you are so proud of her because she is so independent is the way to go.

It took me ages to write that post, only to come back and find that after I said what I wanted my own mum to do, I like the way ImperialBlether would go about it too!

I have a DD roughly this age. Always be a listening pair of ears, and never criticise the boyfriend, but avoid intervening unless asked completely outright. Make sure you see her regularly, btw.

Imperial I do expect a lot from my mother because she is mymother. I dont necessarily think here is anything wrong with that - I also expect a lot from my DP though. DP and I treated each other a little badly in the first year due to our own separate issues, but we worked on them and, happily for us, we ended up still together.

It sounds to me like the op has a good relationship with her dd, which is a good starting point. I do think, though, that I would still prefer it if my mother had been a little more objective. From a selfish POV, obviously

Okay- to answer some questions.

I did encourage her to find a volunteering job- in fact I found one for her which she did one day a week until she found the job she is now- so she does a bit of collecting for them still but nothing else.

She is looking for work in London- or SE- and so is he. She told me that if they both find work in the same place they may share a flat- this is what put the wind up me, as I could see the whole uni scenario playing out again- her not making friends, ferrying him around, him relying on her etc etc.

All we have done- DH too- is say that she cannot try to dovetail a new career around where he is, in a job ( he is in a low paid back office job too) and that she has to go where the work is- not where he will be.

Maybe that was going too far even, and she interprets it as me trying to drive a wedge between them.

I am appreciative of all the comments which seem to be saying keep out of it.

"She agreed that anyone who has had depression is a bit of a red flag as it can often rear its head again."

lots of people have depression. it doesn't make them bad people nor does it mean the should be ruled out as possible partners.

Don't say anything, and if i were you i'd work pretty hard on getting to know and like the boyfriend... it's perfectly reasonable for relationships to breakdown at pressure points, there was no marriage vows and no children so why should they stay together forever? But they've worked through it - she's chosen to forgive him and you MUST too or risk there always being a source of friction there.

She must love him... if i were you i'd encourage her to tell you about the positive things about him, that he makes her happy... you need to get over the 'not good enough' thing because she is an adult and has to make her own decisions and the best thing a parent can do is trust their adult child's decisions (or at least pretend you do).

But she's 23, unless they're talking marriage and children, a lot can happen from here.