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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you were my DD what would you want me to say? Long, sorry.

39 replies

overprotectivemummy · 04/04/2012 17:17

My DD is 23. She is a lovely girl/woman, just finding her feet after doing a very demanding academic degree- still looking for a grad level job etc.

She's had the same boyfriend for 3 years- met at uni- only the 2nd boyfriend she has ever had ( that I know of) and the other boyfriend was very casual and short term.

I am doing the typical mum thing worrying that he is not good enough for her. he dumped her just after her finals and she was distraught but after a few months he came crawling back saying it had all been a mistake- and his reason for dumping her was that she was "no longer such fun"- she'd been working her socks off for a science degree, and had been ill too.

They are still living in the same uni city but not in the same house.

DD is very gentle, kind and generous. She's pretty sensible, but I feel that her boyfriend has red flags. He has a history of depression and possibly had ME so he gets tired a lot. He appears to lean on her, more than she leans on him- he doesn't drive, she passed her test at 17 and has a car so she can get to work.

I am very worried that if they do start living together she may be the one who does all the organising and running in their lives- and he may have future "wobbles" when he is under any pressure.

I have not said alot because I know that any interferring will make her gravitate towards him more and she will ignore her mum.

But on the other hand, I want her to think about the downside of being any more committed to someone who doesn't seem an emotionally strong person, and who might let her down ( again.)

DH says we can't live her life for her and I know that- but I do want to sow some seeds for her to at least think about.

Anyone got any ideas?

OP posts:

Original poster

overprotectivemummy · 04/04/2012 18:21

Yes, I agree. I think I am a bit biased though as I have 3 close friends whose partners all had depression- coming and going over years- which was a major factor in all their divorces.

OP posts:

Goawaybob · 04/04/2012 18:30

Ive only read the OP

Firstly, depression doesn't = bad person or incapable (I Suffer from depression but am definately the organiser etc in the family), maybe you need to adress yoru prejudice about MH issues and try and understand more. Because it is NOT easy to live with someone with depression, no good pretending it is, but it is managable and doesn't need to negatively impact her relationship.

Secondly, as much as it hurts, you really have to keep out of it - she will not thank you for interfering (i know i know, you want whats best for her etc but she will see it that way).

Thirdly, lots of changes afoot now - searching for her first job then gettng her first job, very very different from student life, she will change, so will he - they may well grow apart, but she needs to find this out herself.

I speak from experience, i haven't particularly liked my DDs boyfriends but have learnt to keep my mouth shut (from bitter experience). I am not keen on her BF, but she has been with him for 4 years (shes 21) and he is good to her, just not very talktative which i struggle with. Its her choice and i respect that.

You just have to be there for her if and when it finishes, that non judgy shoulder to cry on that us mums have to be.

If hes a wrongun, she will figure for herself (she has brains, she has a science degree - only the best people have those can you guess what my degree is in!)

tallwivglasses · 04/04/2012 18:30

Casually introduce her to mumsnet (maybe delete this thread!).

I've learnt so much about relationships from here in the last couple of years and I'm 30 years older than your DD

KeepingAwayFromTheJoneses · 04/04/2012 18:33

^ What tallwivglasses said. If only I had had mumsnet back then my life would be totally different now.

IAmBooyhoo · 04/04/2012 19:09

me too keepingaway

i agree with the advice (and you said yourself) to say nothing. this is only from my own personal experience but i know the fact that my mum disliked my first boyfriend was part of the reason why i stayed with him far longer than i should have done. she has to make her decisions based on how she feels rather than how you feel. she has to be able to own her decisions otherwise you may find her repeating patterns over again in an attempt to do things how she feels she should have done had there been no external pressures.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2012 19:15

but I do want to sow some seeds for her to at least think about.

you do this and you can be very very sure she will not come to you and talk, you will push her away and she will not talk as she will know that you don't like her b/f and therefore not give her the best advise. You can be sure of that.

The best thing you can do is let her live her life - you live your life and if and when she needs you - be there for her unconditionally

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2012 20:02

Note to Justine & Co - a GirlsNet or a NewGradNet site might be just what's wanted - young women getting advice from others in the same boat.

Original poster

overprotectivemummy · 04/04/2012 20:04

There already is The Student Room...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2012 20:13

Yes, true, but a lot of that is about work, isn't it? Do many ask for relationship advice on there?

Dozer · 04/04/2012 20:14

V tough one. I don't like the sound of him, especially his timing and reasons for the dumping her (nasty) and undermining of her having a life by demanding so much time, energy etc.

When I was that age I had a bad break-up, moved to london (where I knew no-one) and got into a toxic relationship. Mum couldn't hold back, she told me she hated how I was being treated, that love shouldn't be like that etc etc. But then didn't bring it up again. I did withdraw and tell her less, but things got worse and my friends reinforced Mum's points, and I did get out eventually and appreciated her honesty

Chances are your daughter knows you are concerned, it's bound to have shown in things you've said / expressions, but on balance probably best to say nothing unless asked directly and even then be careful.

My mum could never have managed this approach though!

I have friends who had relationships with "depressed" men in their late teens and 20s. Some of these men had mental health problems for which they were receiving help ( from the health service, not just partners), whereas others were just tossers / losers and using "depression" as an excuse / mask for things like drink problems, being work-shy controlling and jealous. Maybe they did have mental health problems too, but they still behaved like tossers.

popsypie · 04/04/2012 20:24

I agree dePression is an illness, not a red flag or a 'wobble'. I understand your other reasons, but I think this one is a bit unfair. Unless you feel that the depression is not genuine.

Original poster

overprotectivemummy · 04/04/2012 20:37

Imperial work is the least of their worries on that forum! Huge forum there on relationships though how many of them stay with the site post uni, I don't know.

I hear what all of you are saying about depression. I don't have an "attitude" towards it, but given the choice I am sure that we'd wish our children not to be with someone who had MH problems. I also know that there are far worse other behaviours- addictions, violence etc etc. But we want our kids to be with someone as "perfect" as possible.

My real concern is that DD has nothing to compare this relationship with. I started dating in my mid teens and by 23 I'd had 3 long term relationships, including rather a lot of heartache. I'm not saying shehas to be the same as me, no, but I do wish she had lived a little more and don't want her to settle too soon.

OP posts:

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lostball · 14/08/2017 02:15

This post could have been written by my Mum many years ago. She expressed her concerns but let me know she was there for me no matter what. I have always been grateful for that. My boyfriend became my DH and we're still together 20 years later. However, she wasn't wrong about some things and I know it must have been so distressing for her to see me upset at times. She never showed it though, just told me know her concerns and was supportive of me without telling me how to live my life.
I suggest you do the same. You cannot live her life for her and you may have to accept her choices are not what you want for her. But you don't want to push her away. Remind her that it is not her duty to support him and that she only has one life, so make it a happy one.

Also, I think you're right to be concerned about your daughter's boyfriend's depression. Although my DH didn't have depression until many years into our relationship, he now has recurring bouts of it, and in the last couple of years has turned to alcohol to cope. That wasn't something I (or my Mum) foresaw. I have questioned our future many times over the past few months, and I still don't know whether we'll be together forever. People who have depression, and all that goes with it, are very hard to live with. Much as I love my DH, if I knew what I know now I may not have got this far down the line with him. But no one could have told me not to be with him, that much I know.

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