If I tell you a bit about this man, will you tell me if I should continue to date him?

[LeNameChange]

OK, so I've been seeing a man for a few months. I really like him, and I might even say that I'm falling in love with him. But I'm still at the edge and I could still get out if you all think I am mad, IYSWIM.

So - I am a single Mum of 1. He is:

• Twice divorced (1 child with each wife). First wife: married very young, very messy divorce, she still sounds like a nightmare. Second wife: married on the rebound, she also sounds quite hard work (and trust me, I take what he says with a pinch of salt. I know there are 2 sides to every story).

• Very committed to his children. He has to work very hard to make it work, because he has to travel constantly to see them, but he does, pays for them and is very close to them both. One of them he has 50% of the time.

• Quite damaged by his 2 previous relationships. Very worried indeed that I might either turn into or be scared off by ex wives.

• Is actually a deeply romantic bloke, who professes to want to meet someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Is very loving, and has treated me like gold since we met.

I guess what I am scared of is really falling for him, committing me and my child to this, and then having to live through a nightmare, either because (a) his ex wives make his life such a nightmare that it becomes impossible (ex wife number 1 basically scared off number 2); (b) that his complex arrangements with his kids will mean that I will always come last time wise, and energy wise; or (c) actually he may just not be cut out for long term relationships - and maybe that is why he is twice divorced (I really wish I could talk frankly to someone who knows his exes who could tell me their side of it!).

Plus my Mum is constantly saying 'you're mad, a man like this will be a nightmare' but the other part of me is like - hey, why shouldn't I give him a chance. He has never been other than great with me.

So - what do you think, Mumsnet jury?

What's your gut feeling OP? Why is he telling you both his ex's are a nightmare, why is he telling you he doesn't want you to end up like one of them? Why is your mum saying he's the nightmare?

It's the 'deeply romantic', rest of life bit that would worry me tbh. Add 'damaged' and I think you could end up being his counsellor. Anyone can make a mistake but when there are two failed marriages with children in his background and he's still out there pledging undying allegiance to someone new, you have to ask whether the common denominator is not the women but him. Does 'deeply romantic' end up turning into 'weirdly obsessive', for example? I've been in a few relationships with intense types and they've not been great.... sorry.

I would always be suspicious of anyone with more than one 'nightmare ex', or indeed, anyone slagging off their exes to me.

Too much baggage for me really.

In response to your points:
a) If his exes really are a nightmare, then the relationship working out will depend on both of you - your ability to rise above it, and his ability to detach from them and support you. It could be hard work, but you need to be sure he is worth it and that he will put in as much work as you.
b) If you do come last after his kids, that is right and proper, and you should be prepared for that if you want a relationship with him.
c) The only way to know that is to take the risk, which may depend firstly on how you feel about a) and b). You don't know that about anyone, whether or not they have two ex-wives.
Good luck!

What would your long term hope for the relationship be? Do you think he's compatible with that?

I'm with Cogito.

it was the romantic bit that alarmed me.

Ex was very romantic and for life man. Except when he was actually married (and apart from particular occasions - his idea of romantic were roses and sexy lingerie... ). And also turned out to be possessive and obsessive.

I'd rather have a normal, not particularly romantic bloke.

At the very least give him a few more months and look out for worrying behaviour.
Possibly try to meet the wives. Then assess.

What about his friends?

Do you live near one another? Just been reading another thread in which a relationship has gone south and the OP is facing practical difficulties in moving back to where she used to live, disrupting kids again etc.

Would you want to have more kids, together? Would he? Echo Teeb's question above about your long term aspirations.

I think the fact that you have to ask should be telling you all you need to know, if you were sure about him you wouldn't be posting. What's your gut truly saying?

He could be a really nice guy, desperate to make it work with someone but has had two very unfortunate experiences. The fact that he is 100% committed to his kids is a good sign, he could have buggered off couldn't he.

also saw a small red flag waving on the horizon when you said "romantic"

a "romantic" person... with two horror ex-wives in tow? i would put money on those two issues being linked. that combination has the alarm sirens whining in my head tbh

Well, the fact he is so committed to his kids to me says he is probably a decent guy. That yes, you will come last, that should be how it is. Find a man who would put you before his kids, then I wouldn't say he was a catch.

It is possible he made two very bad decisions, and he has seen the error of his way. Think of how many women on here get stuck in the cycle of picking abusive partners, cheats, etc. Something in them needs to change to break that cycle...could he have broken this cycle?

Or is he damaged and is it all him, only you can decide that.

I'd like to echo HalfPastWine. Yes, this guy has a lot of baggage, but you are a 'single mother of one' so probably have some too. I'm not judging from a 'happily married mum of two' standpoint either, because I'm in the process of splitting with my husband and about to become a 'single mum of two'.

You seem to have your eyes open about this and you have had a few months to know this guy's circumstances. It didn't put you off getting involved. What seems to be changing or making you anxious is your developing feelings. Why are you falling in love with him? Because he's been nice to you. Seems a shame to condemn him for that, likewise his devotion to his kids.

Getting involved with anyone is a gamble and no guarantees. This guy seems to have been OK at the beginning, and shouldn't be less so now. I'd rather not have your problem, but he hasn't put a foot wrong, has he?

Are there any other red flags you haven't mentioned? If not, I think carry on and see how it goes; he's not making you unhappy.

no,he's got exes none he's on good term with
he's not got long term relationship history
why doesn't your mum like him
sorry I'd go meet man less complicated

I think you have to stop judging so much.
Two failed marriages are not uncommon especially when 2nd marriages end more easily than first marriages.

By "romantic" I think you mean he is still hoping to settle and that's a good thing.

I know someone with 3 failed marriages pretty much like this guy but no kids at all. First wife left him & they married too young, 2nd wife he left her ( she was a nut case) and 3rd wife left him ( she married him on rebound.)

He is not a bad bloke- just been more unlucky than some.

I'd be worried about this guy's crazy ex's but then you ought to be able to deal with them.

I think I'd carry on but maybe not move in together for a long time until you are sure that it will work with his commitments to his kids etc.

Mmmm, part of me thinks that he should have another chance - you might just be the right one for him
BUT
you are on here asking us, which means you must have doubts yourself, so maybe he isn't.

(no help am I?)

I think you need to risk manage it for a while. In other words, dating the guy is one thing, but I would give it more time and thought before moving in together, getting married, getting pregnant etc. It might actually put you in a better position to judge whether it'll work long term if you continue to see him but stay as clear-sighted as you can about his plus and minus points. I would not move house or give up a house at this point, just to be clear.

Okay I have a friend whose Dad has been married twice, and last I knew was on relationship 3. He gets on well with his exs, but he is still not someone I would recommend for a relationship, as I don't think he has real staying power.

If you have to ask, you know the answer.

Yeah, far too much baggage for me too. I once dated a guy with one child and a rather jealous ex and it got old really quickly.

At the moment you're in the falling in love stage, so you're seeing everything through rose-tinted specs, but how about two years from now, when you're starting to get fed up of always coming last and you hardly see him because he's always travelling to see his other kids and one of them lives with you half the time? How about five years from now? Ten? What if the two of you add yet another child into the mix? Sorry - it all just sounds horribly complicated and messy to me.

Ohhhhhhhhh, I so know someone like this man! He was married to one of my best mates. Got married to wife no. 1 so apparently that broke up cos they were too young. Left when son was aged 2. Wife no 2 (my mate) was quite vunlnerable with PND after their daughter was born so he skipped off from that when she was also 2yrs old.
Then he met the woman who is now wife no.3. In my more charitable moments I think, well, he's learnt from his mistakes and surely won't make them again! And I also think she must be some kind of saint as he has to financially support two different households as well as his new one, plus (to his credit) he's a very committed dad and regularly takes both children at weekends and during holidays.
But, I can't help but think that she'll have to sacrifice her own wishes to have a child with him or accept that if she does, she and her child will always have to share his time and attention with two other ex wives / children. And that's a big ask of anyone.
Plus, if she does decide to have a baby with him - she's surely going to dread that child turning 2yrs old, given his history!!

It's a lot to think about and, honestly, I would back away now, whilst you still can.

i love romance, so that wouldnt put me off, as long as it wasnt unrealistic. I think wanting someone to spend the rest of your life with is a lovely goal.

None of those things are particular red flags to me, Id give it a go, but maybe just remain cautious at first and dont jump into anything. See how things are with his exes for yourself. They might be absolutely fine and he might be exaggerating

What EightiesChick said, a thousand times over. Keep things separate for a good long period if you do keep seeing him. I wouldn't, personally. I think your fears are probably well-founded and it would all be a hell of a lot of stress for this one person. I suppose you have to ask yourself "Is it worth it?" Dealing with his ex who apparently drove off his other ex, taking on a role in other children's lives, building your relationship around all of his commitments, assuring him that you aren't going to turn out like them and trying to make it all as stress-fee as possible for your daughter...all for one man?

No doesn't sound good.

Slagging off not one ex, but both? Hmm. One genuine 'nightmare' ex is careless, two is a big big coincidence - the common factor is unfortunately quite possibly him. And anyone, anyone who spends time slagging off exes (and the mothers of his children!) to a new partner of not many months is - with very few exceptions - going to be bad news. It is genuinely a great rule of thumb. Does he ever speak of them with respect, at all? Watch and listen carefully there. If not, I would bin without hesitation. Soon he'll be speaking in that resentful, accusatory way to you.

Secondly, I know it sounds totally cynical, but every bloke I've known who has been 'romantic' (as opposed to normally loving and nice and fun) has ended up being jealous, possessive, controlling. 'Treating me like gold' would have me narrowing my eyes... Or maybe that's just mad and cynical.

Finally, I think it's another red flag that you know, because he has told you, only a short while into your relationship that he is 'worried you will turn into his other wives'. This is wrong on so many levels. Firstly - stupid, paranoid attitude. Secondly, overly dramatic and another controlling, possessive red flag - 'You won't be like them, will you? You will be the perfect love that I need!'. Thirdly - too much too soon. If he's so worried about how a relationship might pan out after a couple of months, why not spend that time being more casual, friendly, having fun easy times until you actually get to know someone, rather than jumping into heavy romance with a sprinkle of paranoia and neediness thrown in?

So that'd be a no from me then. Listen to your mum