If I tell you a bit about this man, will you tell me if I should continue to date him?

[LeNameChange]

OK, so I've been seeing a man for a few months. I really like him, and I might even say that I'm falling in love with him. But I'm still at the edge and I could still get out if you all think I am mad, IYSWIM.

So - I am a single Mum of 1. He is:

• Twice divorced (1 child with each wife). First wife: married very young, very messy divorce, she still sounds like a nightmare. Second wife: married on the rebound, she also sounds quite hard work (and trust me, I take what he says with a pinch of salt. I know there are 2 sides to every story).

• Very committed to his children. He has to work very hard to make it work, because he has to travel constantly to see them, but he does, pays for them and is very close to them both. One of them he has 50% of the time.

• Quite damaged by his 2 previous relationships. Very worried indeed that I might either turn into or be scared off by ex wives.

• Is actually a deeply romantic bloke, who professes to want to meet someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Is very loving, and has treated me like gold since we met.

I guess what I am scared of is really falling for him, committing me and my child to this, and then having to live through a nightmare, either because (a) his ex wives make his life such a nightmare that it becomes impossible (ex wife number 1 basically scared off number 2); (b) that his complex arrangements with his kids will mean that I will always come last time wise, and energy wise; or (c) actually he may just not be cut out for long term relationships - and maybe that is why he is twice divorced (I really wish I could talk frankly to someone who knows his exes who could tell me their side of it!).

Plus my Mum is constantly saying 'you're mad, a man like this will be a nightmare' but the other part of me is like - hey, why shouldn't I give him a chance. He has never been other than great with me.

So - what do you think, Mumsnet jury?

I would run for the hills (and definitely not trust) any man who has two ex wives that are both described as nightmares.....

You will soon become another nightmare ex.....

And add to that - expensive. Can he afford to run three households? Yep - listen to your mum. Unless she's an ogre she's only looking out for you. And who the F* wants to be wife #3? Sorry, that sounds really mean-spirited, but I wouldn't.

Mmm, what oikopolis said...

Dotty, I have an ex BIL who has dumped his first two partners after having two children with him.

I'm just waiting to see what happens to the current third who has just had a baby. Not sure if I should be on how long it will take for him to dump her/be dumped by her.

And I missed the last bit of the OP.
My mum didn't like my ex at all.
I'll be running any prospect candidates by her now. :o

Has she met him?

yes the fact that he's already telling you he's afraid you'll "turn out" like his exes is actually quite a bad thing.

it puts you on edge; subconsciously you'll want to be "on your best behaviour" for him. that's how controlling men start weaving their tangled webs

So is this man, according to MN, doomed to spend the rest of his life alone?

^ this thread is about the OP though, not the man in question.

If OP doesn't continue with him I'm sure he won't spend the rest of his life alone... there's no shortage of women out there.

what i mean is, it's about what's best for the OP
not what's best for the man

what eighties chick said, date him, shag him! but dont commmitt until you feel surer

I difficult ex is plausible.

2 is down right careless.

I'd be taking a step back.

Sounds like my Ex who I met when he split from his first wife who he and his family described as a nightmare. Down to the fact that he met me on the rebound etc etc. Now he and his family are describing me in the same way as his first wife and I have now realised how many men describe first, second wives etc as mad/crazy/difficult when it is them that fucked up. My Ex came across as a very romantic genuine guy but it was all fake and lies. Even my friends are shocked at how different a person he is than the one he came across as when he was with me. I am far from the woman he makes me out to be. So be warned that everything he says about his ex's he may end up saying about you. No one held a gun to his head to get married to those women and have kids with him. I am sure at the time he was professing love to them and treating them very well.

"ex wife number 1 basically scared off number 2"

• So, how did that actually happen, then? Where was he when this scaring was going on?

Second marriage break up nothing to do with him, eh?

Oh my goodness, so many responses! Thanks so much...

I can honestly say no other red flags. and by romantic I don't mean 'possessive'. He's just been really nice and hasn't given me any warning signs (trust me, I look for them). And he hasn't slagged off his exes. He has told me about things they have done in the course of their divorces (i.e. he had to fight through courts for access to his first child etc). He's never said they are mad or awful. I guess that's just the impression I have formed.

Yes, I could just shag him, but at this point it feels like I might well get in deeper and it's really almost sad not to engage. Damn it!

I know that it feels like I should take a step back but a part of me is like "Hey, doesn't someone deserve a second [third!] chance"??

I'm another one who thinks you should take it very slowly. I know a few couples where it is a third marriage for one of them, and they all seem as happy as it is possible for an outsider to see. Given the background he is not only going to have to be a decent guy he is going to have an enormous amount on his plate longer term with his existing children and a relationship with you too. He might be perfect for you ( I like a bit of romance myself) but you need to give things time to be sure. If the cracks begin to show in your relationship it needs to be before he has moved in and you are deeply in love.

OP, sounds like there's a mismatch between what this guy is like with you (great) and what he's like 'on paper' (bad bet). Which is more important?

Bit of a romantic (despite being mid-separation) and I'm kind of rooting for you as a couple I'm afraid.

However, some of the more circumspect, cold-eyed advice on here is worth heeding.

oikopolis said he's making your fearful of being tarred with the same brush as the mad exes; do be very wary of this. Make sure you can be yourself and unselfconscious with this man. If you find yourself worrying about being compared with the exes and it limits what you say and do, this is bad.

Eighties chick's advice re taking things slowly is also very good. You can enjoy the ride without getting too carried away. It's a difficult balance, but there is a middle ground between leaping in with both feet and dumping him.

Still stick by what I said originally - he seems to make you happy, so there's no immediate problem.

UnhappyLizzie (first, I am sorry to hear your story. Wishing you much strength.) thanks for your post. I think you're entirely right. He looks bad on paper but is lovely with me. I can just see people judging when I mention him..., thinking 'oh bloody hell, twice divorced!'. But you're also right that subconsciously I find myself trying not to be his exes, and I need to remain myself. Most of the time this is actually a good thing, ie I will think twice about whether I am being reasonable about something, but now I will be ultra cautious to make sure I am not trying too hard to be perfect! And I will rake time, time, time. I am not going to move in with him ( I am financially secure) for a long time.
Middle ground? I love it. I'm just scared.... Nothing wrong with that I guess! x

LeName reading your post I almost fell off my seat - I am in almost EXACTLY the same situation except that my NM was only married once but for a very long time. He doesn't slag his stbx off but he has told me that he just got burned out with trying to manage her 'moodiness'. I have also teetered on the edge of 'falling' and in the end I just did. I think that once you are asking yourself that question you are probably already emotionally and psychologically attached IFSWIM.

What can I say? I've had awful anxieties myself. To top it all a couple of his DC's, his stbx and his DM all want things back the way they were!!!

I've dealt with it by having frank conversations with him about how I feel as I'm not someone who can hide my insecurities very well, and he is very reassuring. It's a risk, being honest about one's doubts and fears especially as it can make you feel, and be, even more vulnerable in the short term.

I don't know if this suggestion fits for you but I once asked him how he thought he had contributed to the end of his marriage (because you are right to be wondering what story his exes would tell you). If your man dodges the issue or doesn't seem to take any responsibility for his part then I would say there is probably something about how he behaved which he is afraid will scare you off (whether or not it would in reality but we all carry baggage).

TBH I think if you get involved with someone who has DC's and exes and there's been conflict which isn't resolved for any party then, it's going to be more complicated. If you decide he's worth the risk then I guess you will need to prepare yourself for all that goes with it.

Good luck OP. I hope it works out.

I'm in a similar situation and am wife number three. I'm namechanging for this because I dont want to risk outing myself.

My husband's first two wives really were nightmares. One had serious behavioural issues which are still ongoing - kicks her kids out at 16 years old regardless of whether they have anywhere to go, tells lies, has been convicted of fraud, etc. His second wife was a prescription drug addict who has major self respect issues and hypochondria (diagnosed) and spent years in a drug-fuelled haze whilst he worked hard and tried to bring up the children. I have met both wives several times so I know this to be true. He is a very kind, generous and good man who was targetted by needy women. One of the things he loves about me is because I don't need him in my life, I just love having him around and want him with me.

He is also incredibly romantic and supportive. There are times when I do have to come second to his children, though they are all grown up so perhaps this is not so important these days.

I second Wisey comments about the relationships ending and the part he played. I think anyone can fail at relationships but perhaps he married too quickly and therefore had divorces rather than relationship ends. Would you be concerned if he had 2 long term relationships?

I think there there are lessons to be learnt when a marriage fails and there is responsibility on both people so the ability to demonstrate self knowledge & awareness is important. This 2nd wife won't have left just because of the 1st wife's behaviour, it will be because she felt unsupported, unappreciated or felt that he wasn't dealing with the situation correctly.

What I would never under estimate however is how difficult the 'baggage' can be from his last relationships. I felt I was realistic with my DH and took things very slowly but in our case his ex wife is a very difficult (she is on to her 3rd marriage) and at times the pressure does make life unbearable.

I guess the advice is to move very slowly and critically keep your independence and separate homes. Also check out the step parenting board, most of the issues you face will have been experienced by others.

lenamechange, I'm in a similar situation...

Me: 44, two kids, two divorces (both kids from second marriage). Had been separated nearly 2 years when I met DP, and was happily single (but divorce was underway and is STILL not absolute yet due to ongoing financial issues)

Him: 46, one divorce, one child from live-in relationship. His DD was under 2yo when we met. His exP is a nutter (eg see my thread in Legal about harassment). DP wishes he had not got involved with her, or had stayed away when he left her instead of going back (she subsequently had his child, which prolonged the painful ending of their relationship). He hates that her behaviour has an impact on my life. He has had to go to court to secure contact with his child. He is still trying to sort out joint finances with her.

He and I met through a dating site in Nov 2010. He is my soulmate, my other half, the love of my life...I could go on! We are absolutely and completely right for each other. We both made poor choices in the past (my first exH was physically abusive, the second I was never in love with and the relationship became emotionally abusive). The past is exactly that, and we aim not to let it impact negatively upon the present.

Sometimes I think his anxiety or reaction to something is a result of his previous experiences. He once said something innocuous to me that I completely over-reacted to, as it was too familiar and something my exH had said, though with different intentions. Generally though, we are extremely compatible, good at resolving our (rare) differences, agree that regular communication and honesty are essential and cherish each other, showing respect at all times. I cannot imagine my life without him, my DC adore him (when he comes round it's a race to the front door for the first cuddle - mostly I win!) and he says he has never been more content than he is now.

Others would see red flags in what I have written. He invited me to Dubai only four weeks after we had met and we spent new year there, having met less than five weeks earlier. On New Years Eve we said 'I love you' to each other for the first time. Both of those events are 'red flags' to some. Nearly 18m from our first date, though, and I am 100% sure that I have met the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and he says the same about me.

Just to finish off, my parents like him too! More than they ever liked either of my exHs, in fact...

Good luck with whatever you decide. Sometimes good men have a less than ideal history...and so do good women!