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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh logged in to my mn account :(

41 replies

zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 12:17

Have namechanged for obvious reasons.

Went to a fitness class last night and could sense something was wrong as soon as i came home. Turns out dh had been through internet history and then logged into mn and read all my threads, including ones with me saything things about him and his family.

It did not end well. I really thought he was trying not to check up on me but he just can't help himself. He doesn't understand why i am bothered about it!!

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 04/04/2012 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Technoviking · 04/04/2012 12:20

He can help himself, that's an excuse.
Him pretending not to understand why you are bothered, is also an excuse.
He's an arse. Does he share his inner thoughts with you? All of them? Course not.

Lueji · 04/04/2012 12:25

I'm a bit with ruby.

How did he login? Did you have a common password, or automated login?

Maybe you should take the opportunity to put your complaints in the open. Surely it should be issues he should be aware of?
I hope you can address them now.

What if you had uncovered his internet porn history? (I know, not exactly the same, but...)

Why is he checking on you? Is he insanely jealous, or have there been motives for him to be suspicious of something?

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 12:26

Yes i understand he can see it as its a public forum but logging into my mn account and then looking for all the threads i've started is a bit different don't you think?

Pisses me off as he's constantly checking up on me and i feel like i have nothing to myself.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 12:27

Yes it is a bit different.

It is checking up / spying on you, it is crossing a line.

fiventhree · 04/04/2012 12:30

It is not public if your user name is not known.

So it is different.

It depends whether there is suspicion or other issues in the relationship. When I trusted my h, I would not have cared less what he read in my username on mn.

But when I did not, and with reason, I was quite concerned and felt stalked actually that he read my thread, which discussed my feelings and possible next steps.

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 12:31

He had to guess my password which tbh would have taken him a few goes, obviously he knows me well enough to know what it could be. Have changed it now.

Everything i had discussed on here i had already spoken to him about so nothing new, he was just annoyed i had spoken about it on the internet! I told him it was none of his business.

OP posts:
doctordwt · 04/04/2012 12:33

Well.

Remind him that sneaks hear no good about themselves.

Remind him that nobody likes being checked up on, and people have a tendency to lose respect and love for people who stalk them instead of talking to them and listening to them.

Tell him that, like anyone else, you have your own thoughts, which he can eavesdrop on if he really wants to, but can't police. So you think things about his family? So what, exactly? Is he pissed off that you don't tell him these things? Why does he think you should? Does he want to have a think about how he might become the sort of person you would talk to more about this stuff - how would he have reacted if you'd let off steam about his family to him? Would he have been mortally offended? Then there's the clue.

Silly man.

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 12:34

Yes five your last point is exactly it. I had a thread about leaving him after he was agressive towards me. I got some great advice and was talking about steps i might put into place to actually go through with it. He read all of it and it did make me feel a bit stalked and spyed on, like as soon as i was out of the house he was trying to ind something against me. I was only gone for an hour Sad

OP posts:
LesAnimaux · 04/04/2012 12:38

Well, now he knows how you really feel, which is as it should be in a marriage.

Figarello · 04/04/2012 12:41

Zumba, this is not sounding good. You started a thread as he was aggressive towards you and you have been making plans to leave him? Which he now knows about? Please be careful and call Women's Aid if you think you are in any danger.

This is far more serious than someone stumbling across someone on MN. This is an abusive man who has hacked into his wife's MN account and who could potentially use what he has read against her. This is making me feel very concerned for Zumba's safety.

Bucharest · 04/04/2012 13:06

Agree with Figarello.

Dp (I think)knows my user name and I always go in and out leaving myself logged in. No biggie. But then I'm not in the OP's situation.

Doesn't sound good to me.

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 13:10

He does not know my usual username as he has not checked mn before afaik. I told him i'd change my password and he said he would just search for my username hence namechange (and will delete this thread before he comes home from work, learnt the hard way about that now).

He says he was glad to read it as he did not know i was feeling so low and although i told him i wanted to leae he didn't believe me. He realises now i was serious and says it has give him a kick up the backside to not be an arse. Hopefully anyway.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 04/04/2012 13:20

Or he may be trying to control you.

If he has been aggressive, and I certainly believe you that he has, then he may well be saying what he thinks you need to hear, now he sees for himself that you are taking steps to extricate yourself. But the real question is, what did he do before when you discussed it? He must have known you may leave if he continues, anyway.

Figarello · 04/04/2012 13:29

Agree with 5. Please tread very carefully Zumba. And if he was going to stop being an arse, why would he snoop around and hack into your account?

DinahMoHum · 04/04/2012 14:39

id be really fucking pissed off about that, but then i wouldnt write a thread slagging him off on a public forum

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 15:08

I wasn't slagging him off i was at a real low and wanted some advice and perspective. I didn't have anyone in rl to talk to so i was just supposed to suffer in silence was i?

Like someone said its only public if he knew my username, he activelt sought out my threads to see what i wrote!

OP posts:
Figarello · 04/04/2012 15:34

Good grief, if everyone was like you Dinah, MN would just be about child birth and cake recipes Hmm One of the best thing MN does is offer its members support and advice during difficult relationships.

MissFaversham · 04/04/2012 15:43

From what I'm gathering OP your H has been aggressive towards you. He snoops, and yes, this is what he's doing. Not good OP is it. Probabably far more going on to boot.

I personally would be very angry if my partner snooped on me.

It also seems that he's sort of turning it round now to suit, reeling you in with the "I never knew how unhappy you were" bollox, didn't you tell him OP, does he have eyes? Couldn't he see?

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 04/04/2012 15:45

zumba if he is computer savvy and the type to be checking up on you like this he may well have a keylogger installed so even if you change all your security he may have access to anything you've typed. i will try to find someone who knows how to check your comp plus smartphone if you have one. go to the womens aid website for instructions on how to clear your history and browse privately.

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 16:25

Oh yes he is very computer savvy, works with them all day and i know if he wanted to find something then he would try his best to. He used to have all my msn conversations sent to a separate file so he could read them Shock

Admittedly he has got better and 3 weeks ago after a major row he promised to pack all this shit in but he can't Sad says it my fault for making him suspicious in the past and that i can't expect him to be perfect overnight but he is trying.

Says he has stopped checking my phone but demanded i show him messages a few days ago when he knew i had had contact with ex with regards to my dd. Says as its my ex who he hates he has every right to see what i'm saying to him and if i'm not doing anything wrong then i shouldn't have a problem with it.

The mn thing has really pissed me off though, i can't have anything to myself. He says he only checks up on me if he has suspicions soasked what his ecuse was this time he said he was just being nosy.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 04/04/2012 16:26

Dinah, please go away.

You are unhelpful.

The OP has said she is in an aggressive relationship and that her h is checking out what she is up to re discussing it with others.

She may not feel safe or OK discussing it with him, or she may have, to no avail.

If you think people should not discuss their relationships on MN, then maybe you should deregister. Mn clearly thinks differently.

I think it is wrong of you to say things like that when you have already read enough from the OP to be able to see her concerns. You are just re victimising her.

Original poster
zumbameuprightnice · 04/04/2012 16:28

And yes missfaversham i did tell him how unhappy i was, infact everything i had written here he already knew. He just thought i was being a drama queen 5though, esp as he managed to talk me round eh.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 04/04/2012 16:30

OP he is a control freak, given that you have not been unfaithful, I am presuming.

By the way, my h was unfaithful for years and would not admit it, so I did install a key logger to confirm my suspicions. It did not work, as Norton antivirus picked it up. So you could try installing Norton, although it costs.

(If you think by the way that I myself was a suspicious nut, then please take into account a life of having been lied to and manipulated, which was later admitted in counselling by h.)

fiventhree · 04/04/2012 16:33

Have a read of this book, which you can buy at Amazon for under £4

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Betrayal-Bond-Exploitative-Relationships/dp/1558745262

You may find it a bit of an eye opener re your relationship.

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