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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly fed up with DH

32 replies

YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 10:56

We don't have sex ever, (I am pretty sure he just wanks as a substitute as he can't be bothered) and he ruined my birthday.

It's petty the way he ruined it, he bought me some easter chocolate (sorry, didn't realise yesterday was easter sunday Hmm) and teabags as a present (which he'd bought the wrong type by accident as he didn't read the pack properly), and didn't even make me a special tea (meal), let alone take me out (as I had done for him.)

I made the tea as usual Angry.

He'd gotten me a cake on the way home from work which was nice, but I had to ask him via text message (as my brother was there and I was embarrassed) to light some candles and sing.

So, he wasted money on thoughtless presents and couldn't even be arsed to make my tea for me or light some birthday candles or in fact make me feel special in any way.

We've been married about 6 months, no DC (so we're not at the point where DC's birthdays are more important iyswim).

I've had enough of his absolute thoughtlessness, he's the same with his family too, for example I ended up finding his parents an xmas gift which we traipsed out on xmas eve to get, it was me who wanted to make sure they had something extra special as they'd helped so much with our wedding, he had a complete lack of interest.

I said all this last night. I cried, I got angry. I just got looked at. Then a few tears, which tbh I don't feel were real, just to shut me up. Who the fuck knows. He had NOTHING to say for himself. At all. I might as well having been saying it to the fucking wall.

I am just so angry and disappointed. Is this my life for the next 60 years?

OP posts:
UnChartered · 04/04/2012 10:58

was it your life with him before you got married?

NotANaturalGeordie · 04/04/2012 10:59

Probably. Is it enough to break a relationship over? I don't know. If he has always been like this, he will always be like this.

My Dad is like this. I remind him on Valentines, Mum's birthday, their wedding anniversary, even Xmas. My Mum gets fed up about it, but after 40+ yrs of marriage she says 'you know what your Dad is like'.

I guess he compensates in other ways Grin

NotANaturalGeordie · 04/04/2012 10:59

PS i don't know about their sex life Blush

fluffyanimal · 04/04/2012 11:00

Did you know any of this before you got married?

Panamama · 04/04/2012 11:02

It doesn't have to be your life for the next sixty years if you don't want it to be. You have control over what you want to do next, please don't feel resigned to a sexless, uncaring marriage that you aren't happy with. It doesn't have to be this way.

suburbophobe · 04/04/2012 11:02

Well, of course it's completely your choice if you want to continue like this for the next 60 years.....

I wouldn't.

I was married only 4 months when I realised I'd made the worst mistake of my life. (He became physically abusive).

The good thing is there's a get-out clause and it's called divorce.

Be thankful you don't have children with this man (I was pregnant). You can make a clean break.

If I'd stayed in the marriage I would have been miserable and I dread to think how my DS would have turned out.....

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:02

He wasn't like this before we married, at least towards me (in terms of gifts etc), he always put thought into it, and made an effort. We did also have sex.

OP posts:
UnChartered · 04/04/2012 11:05

so, what's changed? do you not talk to him about the drop-off in your sex life/plans for birthdays?

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:05

Thanks for the words of support. I feel like such a failure to be considering that I've made a huge mistake.

And worrying about the fact I am financially dependent on him in terms of being able to pay the mortgage and bills. I suppose I could manage if I really had to.

It's terrifying facing up to this, the cavernous pit that opens in front of me if I think about it properly.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 04/04/2012 11:05

Does he actually understand how important this is to you? He's not psychic and he's not you - you need to tell him what your priorities are.

Dp didn't get me a Christmas present this year. A couple of days later (ie when we weren't staying with family and I'd calmed down a bit from quietly seething) we had a conversation where I pointed out the link between presents and affection/respect for the person you're buying for. I received nice flowers for valentines despite both of us disliking the crass commercialisation Grin

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:07

unchartered Yes I do, it's honestly like talking to a brick wall, I get no response. Or if I do, it's empty promises. I've chatted to him calmly and rationally about it, I've had tears and anger about it...I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
UnChartered · 04/04/2012 11:08

oh dear, i think you know what you need to do next....

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:08

Purple I did try and tell him how important it is to me last night, I told him that it's about the thought not the money just so he understood I wasn't bitching as I didn't get diamonds iyswim.

OP posts:
DaisyAndConfused · 04/04/2012 11:09

Has someting happened (stress, trauma) to put him off sex? Is he depressed. I agree with the other posters that this is no way to live for the next 60 years but if you were happy enough to marry him 6 months ago what's changed and why?

I don't place too much importance on birthdays etc - neither does my DH. There's no way he would consider a cake / candles. But he makes me feel loved and cherished every day.

You can get out if you want, but might be worth a long frank talk with your DH first?

Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 11:10

Before you give up entirely, what about talking to him about this. Maybe he is just as unhappy as you and you could both make positive changes? Has he changed so dramatically since you married. Or was he a bit like this before.

TheCrackFox · 04/04/2012 11:10

I am assuming you are young. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Only you can decide if your marriage is worth the effort.

DaisyAndConfused · 04/04/2012 11:10

Sorry x-posted with lots of others.

worrying about the fact I am financially dependent on him in terms of being able to pay the mortgage and bills. I suppose I could manage if I really had to.

Yes it is a worry but really is any amount of money worth being miserable for? Especially if you haev no DCs.

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:11

Daisy I've asked, and he's told me he isn't depressed, but I suppose he could hide it? I don't know.

I think you are right. It's time for me to have the, "I think I may have made a mistake" discussion.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/04/2012 11:12

You may be talking but he is not listening. You need to talk again. Perhaps with a couples counsellor.

DaisyAndConfused · 04/04/2012 11:13

Sorry, I don't know that much about depression either but going off sex is a sign I believe.

Yes, it's time to face up to it. No one will judge you for dealing with the situation if you have made a mistake, don't let a fear of "what other people will think" put you off from doing what is right for you.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 04/04/2012 11:14

so what has changed since you got married?

I have to say if my DH bought me teabags for a birthday gift I would be very Confused It is the thought of the present, not the gift itself.

You dont have to live like this, if he wont open up to you then there isnt much more you can do. He sounds depressed.

UnChartered · 04/04/2012 11:14

no amount of money is worth this much sadness, as that's what i feel from you OP Yon

Original poster
YonWhaleFish · 04/04/2012 11:14

Thanks guys. Anyone got any links for couples counselling? Can you go via gp or is it private?

OP posts:
fluffyanimal · 04/04/2012 11:16

Google Relate. It is a paying service but they have a scale of fees depending on what you can afford.

PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:17

If you've only been married a short time and have no kids and no serious stress issues you can identify (like bereavement or job worries), and it is already this bad, I would be thinking about my options and contemplating a separation. Sorry Sad but I think better to cut and run if things can't be fixed. And they can not be fixed if he doesn't listen. Don't waste too long wavering, you sound young and free at the moment.

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