Advice needed on what I think is an unusual problem on here. Please help

[Louisereb]

First off, I know this may seem an odd place to ask for advice considering my dilemma, but any thoughts/dvice will be much appreciated as I really feel stuck.

Right, this is a dilemma which I have put to the back of my mind for sometime now. I feel completed lost about what to do. I think it best I explain my situation first. I am a 26 year old female and am very career minded. I have never really wanted children, I have nieces and a nephew whom I love very much. I was with my ex for 3 and half years and broke up with him just over a year ago because he was pressuring me to get married, settle down and have children. Now I think it wise to mention that I do not believe myself to have commitment issues, maybe indecisive on things but I said that I would get married if that was what he really wanted, even though marriage is another thing which I just have no real interest in doing myself. We also had a mortgage together which I believed in todays society to be quite a big commitment.

Anyway, my question. Now I am starting to date again and have met a lovely man. However, he has stated that he wants to start having children within the next 5 years. I'm starting to wonder whether I just take the easy option and have children even though I'm not into the idea. People expect it of me, as a female anyway, and I'm scared that I will end up alone as it seems all guys want to start families. I really do like the man that I am seeing and don't want to mess him around. Another thing I'm also scared of is that if I choose to end the relationship, as I did with my ex, I will change my mind a few years down the line about having children and wish that I had not chosen to end the relationship. What do I do? I feel completely helpless. I don't want to keep giving up on relationships as at present I do not want children but am scared that feeling will change and I've lost someone amazing. Please help.

You are the only one who can make that decision. Personally I think you just 'know' when it's the right time. Maybe you just haven't met the person that you feel you want to have children with yet. I certainly wouldn't advise getting pregnant to keep a man. Your relationship should be really good and solid before you bring a child into the world ideally.

What fairenuff said. Personally, if I fall madly in love, I want to 'have their babies' (yes I know it's a cliche, but it's actually how I feel :) )

Whatever you do, don't decide to have children "for" someone else. If you don't want to have them at present, and it sounds very definite than I think you should be up-front about it, or at least as up front as anyone you are dating is about their desire (or not) to have DCs. That does not mean that you either can;t or won't change your mind in the future, but you can only live life here and now, none of us have a crystal ball.

There is nothing magical about having children, they are hard work, expensive and completely life changing. I love mine dearly and have a few(!!) but I would not have got through the hard times with them, I am sure, if I had had them "for" someone or out of duty or fear of being on my own.

I cannot believe that any man who really loved and cared for you would want to have children with someone who was only doing it for them...the right man will respect and love you as you are, and will respect your opinions, as you will his and you would work through this most important question together..setting a timetable of 5 years (or 2 or 10) just seems wrong.

There is nothing wrong with deciding you don't want children...you may change your mind, you may not but each person ha s to be true to him/her self IMO

I think be true to yourself. You can't keep a relationship on the off-chance that you'll change your mind and want kids in five years. At 26, you've got plenty of time to change your mind and find someone else at a time of your choosing - it's easy for men to say they want children, they don't have to do it, they don't lose status, marketability and negotiation power in their relationships because of them and they don't lose their careers because of them. If you have them, it's got to be because you really want them, because the price you pay for being a mother, is a bloody high one. So do it for the right reasons - because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.

Have a happy life. With or without a man. It is possible to be fulfilled, happy and joyful without one you know, with or without children.

Oh and another thing - you could just date someone a bit older, who has had his children and doesn't want any more - this would save you having to end relationships every time a younger man got broody. Just a thought.

Would agree with others that you shouldn't have children just to save a relationship and you should ideally only have children if both parents want them. Mind you, my first two were unplanned and I adore them all the same! If you are sure you don't want children, then you need to be honest with your partner and if it's a dealbreaker for him it gives him, and you, the opportunity to find someone who is more like-minded. And no matter how nice a bloke is, if you have children to please him, you will likely feel resentful of him and blame him for your stalling career, stretchmarks and sleepless nights, while he swans off to work. Because mostly, despite feminism, that's how it it.

Given you have just started dating this man, I hardly think you need to make any snap decisions about whether having children is the "easy" option.

You are quite frightfully deluded if you think that's the case.

I'm sure the Daily Mail (other newspapers are available) will probably have more advice in one of their upcoming issues. I'd keep an eye out as I'm sure they tend to cover this kind of subject reasonably regularly/

Don't have children if you don't really want to have children. Not fair on you, not fair on your partner, and, most important of all, not fair on the children to have a mother who didn't really want them.

what foolonthehill said!

I am 28 and have a similar mindset to you. I made it clear to my DP what I thought as soon as things started to get serious, and it obviously didn't bother him because he is now my DH :) Not all guys want kids! And the guy that is right for you won't pressure you into doing something you don't want to.

Definitely don't do it to be like everyone else, and not all guys want children. Plus you are only 26 and you may feel very differently in 5 years time. Of course you may not and that's fine, too.

Continue to be honest with yourself and your new partner, and you will stay emotionally strong. This is very important, don't lose yourself in a relationship. And you both may have a change of heart so perhaps reassess in a year or two.

I am 41. I have never wanted children although I love my friend's kids and many a person has told me I am great with kids. I would say stick to your guns. I am lucky in that my partners haven't been bothered either. I have always been clear to partners from the onset.

Unfortunately you will have to put up with intrusive questions about your choice. Last Friday my doctor asked me if I was TTC. Bloody hell I only went there with my psoriasis!

Can I say IMO society views those who choose to remain childless with suspicion. They think we are hard nosed career women. I am not! Also you get complete nutters like you find on the Child Free Living website (I heard about it on a thread on here). I hope nobody associates me with those types!

I cannot say anymore but just be honest. Do not have kids because 'it is expected' of you as a female. My parents are very happy with my decsion. My sister doesn't have kids either and she is older than me. She is a Family lawyer. You may well change your mind. But I agree with what carpe says above.

I could have written that post at 26.

All you can do is be totally honest "I've never seen myself as a mother and have no idea if that will change in future or not" It's not rocket science to say this, surely? Then at least you are being totally honest and partners can decide for themselves if you are the right person or not for them

FWIW I felt exactly as you do until around 34 years old, and then the maternal bug hit me like a ton of bricks. You have no idea what can happen in life, all you can do is have honest relationships

Basically I think you have loads of time to make a decision. Don't lie to this bloke but I think it's too early to finish the relationship because you don't want kids (possibly yet, possibly ever).

I'm a firm believer in keeping your options open and by dating someone who does want kids at least you're giving yourself that option - what if you went out with someone who definitely didn't want kids and you changed your mind? If he is the same age as you he has plenty of time too (and even if he's older as men are not under the same time pressure as women).

What StillSquiffy said. I would never have had a child if I hadn't become accidentally pregnant (at 41!) and I had a great time and career previously. Having a child, unless you're very successful (ie wealthy) or have a very supportive partner and employer will wreck your career IMO. Not saying it's not worth it - it is - but it's a whole different type of success.

Oh God, having children isn't the easy option, especially if you're not 100% sure. Our first was unplanned and while it was lovely for my partner who was really pleased, my life was pretty much over for a few years.

Obviously I love my son with all my heart and we have since gone on to have another child so it can't be all bad but don't have children lightly and please don't do it for someone else, you will live to regret it and that isn't fair on anyone involved.

Please don't have a child because your partner wants to when, you don't want to.

There are people who have posted on MN who have had kids because their partner wanted to even when they didn't. Some say they are glad they did and love their kids. But some say they really really regret it and wish they were not a mum. Having a child when you don't want to could end up being very unfair on you and your child.

Yes you may decide later on you do want kids and you may decide you don't. You are still young and so have time for that. And there are men who don't want to be fathers or leave the decision to have kids up to their DP. I know childless friends where both them and their DP don't want kids.

I didn't want children at 26 either. Then I met a guy who was 36, divorced, and the big issue, according to him, was that his ex had changed her mind and decided not to have children and they agreed to separate. I knew on that basis that there was no point in us dating if I didn't want children either.

So, I had a long, hard think about it and I thought that maybe it would be ok. Two years later, we married, had the first child when I was 29 and another two years later.

Now I am 44. I am a lone parent, we split over three years ago. The relationship was dire for most of the time and without the kids I'd have left a lot sooner. The DC are 12 and 14 and they are adorable...but I can still see the person I was at 26, and I know, had I not met him, I could easily have become childless at 44 through choice. I'm with a new partner now and we would love to work abroad, we have plenty of offers to do so...but we can't, because the children need to see their dad.

Don't have children because someone else wants them. It was my life that changed irreparably as a result of making that decision, my ex carried on pleasing himself, and still does.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It's really good to get a variety of opinions based on the different experiences that people have. thecook and mrshomersimpson, I was especially interested to read what you had to share, I can walk away from here with a broader understanding of the choices I have.
I feel I must apologise to you all, as I have just read back what i wrote and know I was wrong to say that having a child is the easy option. I know this isn't the case and I take my hat off to you all, making the choice to have children and sacrifice what you have. My friend has just had twins and I have nothing but total admiration for what she does.

I understood that when I chose to post on here, I would possibly be open to some quite harsh criticism. However, I would like to respond to Orchida personally. Whilst you are correct in the fact that I have started dating this man and it would be foolish to make snap decisions so early on, you will also note that this has been a dilemma of mine for some time and partly the reason why I broke up with my partner of 3 and a half years. Therefore, I think we can agree that I am not deluded in any sense of the word and merely sought the opinions of people who I thought would know best about this kind of situation. For your information, seeing as you appear to judge people on the newspaper that they read, I do not read The Daily Mail but The Times as I find it gives a more unbiased account of the worlds news. And lastly Orchida, I'd like to give you a little advice, if you have nothing nice to say, then please say nothing at all. I am sure you are well versed in this saying, as hopefully you say it to your children.

I know you are all very busy so I'd like to thank you for your time in responding to my question. Most of you have helped a great deal understanding the choices that I have. So once again, thank you.

I think that, if I'd met a man when I was 26 who was already talking children in five years after just a few dates, I'd have run a mile. There's no inevitablility to anything. You may feel differently in 10 years time. You may not. As with anything else in life be wary of anyone trying to steer you down a path that you're not comfortable with. Whatever happens next, even if you did have regrets one day, you'd at least have the satisfaction that it was always your decision.

I didn't want children when I was 26 either. Even when I met DH at 30, and he wanted kids, I wasn't ready but I thought maybe. I was honest with him - he would have stayed with me either way. I became a mother at 35, which was the right age for me, and I couldn't be happier.

I would say as long as you're honest with your new partner, there's no reason why you can't make a go of it. I know you must be afraid of history repeating itself, but there is always a bit of risk when you allow yourself to fall for someone. If you are honest and he accepts this, you should not feel any pressure. You will know yourself if and when you are ready.

There is a world of difference between how I felt at 26 and how I felt 5 years later. I was lucky that I had the opportunity to have children later. If I had broekn up with DH, I might not have met anyone else and could be childless and single (I'm not saying that's a terrible thing, but I am so happy with how things turned out).

I think you can only go on how you feel now and you seem very clear. That may not change or it may. But don't go through the massive effort and life turning upside down of having a child, as insurance against a feeling you may have in the future.

Be clear with your partner that this is how you feel now. If he is desperate to be settled and breeding immediately then this relationship will not bring you both happiness. You don't have to feel guilty or hide your feelings to accommodate him. Your feelings are just as valid as his.

Your fertility will start to decline at about 35 so you have some time to change your mind. Or not.

I say this as someone who did not meet the right one until I was in late 30s and feel very lucky to have my 2 DC. But this squalid life is not for everybody.

I know plenty of people who had children in their late thirties, when I had my second lot, who said to me in earlier life that they didnt want them.

However, it would have been the wrong thing for them to have had them before they themselves felt ready.

So I would say to him that it is possible you may, you cant predict the future, but that you cannot promise it.

vile post from orchida. I had to read it twice because I couldn't quite believe what I read the first time.

really op, take no notice. for some reason, sometimes the odd rancid post pops up that is erm less than positive. Maybe it was the 'easy option' bit hit a nerve? You've clarified that and fwiw I got what you meant without you having to clarify it.

OP, I remember listening to a radio show one day and the topic was women who didn't feel maternal or something like that. One lady rang in to say that she had become pregnant due to contraception failure aged 29. She was not in a stable relationship but gave in to pressure from family and friends to keep the baby. Her very honest words were "And she has ruined my life!" Now, she did love her daughter but all her hopes and dreams for things she wanted to do were in tatters as she had this small person to take care of. It was very sad to listen to.

Picture yourself at 50. Where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing? If arguing with a teenager about studying and curfews do not feature in this vision, then stick your guns!