Advice needed on what I think is an unusual problem on here. Please help

[Louisereb]

First off, I know this may seem an odd place to ask for advice considering my dilemma, but any thoughts/dvice will be much appreciated as I really feel stuck.

Right, this is a dilemma which I have put to the back of my mind for sometime now. I feel completed lost about what to do. I think it best I explain my situation first. I am a 26 year old female and am very career minded. I have never really wanted children, I have nieces and a nephew whom I love very much. I was with my ex for 3 and half years and broke up with him just over a year ago because he was pressuring me to get married, settle down and have children. Now I think it wise to mention that I do not believe myself to have commitment issues, maybe indecisive on things but I said that I would get married if that was what he really wanted, even though marriage is another thing which I just have no real interest in doing myself. We also had a mortgage together which I believed in todays society to be quite a big commitment.

Anyway, my question. Now I am starting to date again and have met a lovely man. However, he has stated that he wants to start having children within the next 5 years. I'm starting to wonder whether I just take the easy option and have children even though I'm not into the idea. People expect it of me, as a female anyway, and I'm scared that I will end up alone as it seems all guys want to start families. I really do like the man that I am seeing and don't want to mess him around. Another thing I'm also scared of is that if I choose to end the relationship, as I did with my ex, I will change my mind a few years down the line about having children and wish that I had not chosen to end the relationship. What do I do? I feel completely helpless. I don't want to keep giving up on relationships as at present I do not want children but am scared that feeling will change and I've lost someone amazing. Please help.

Is Orchida trying to suggest that the rather clinical and journalistic style of the OP means she is possibly a journalist getting quotes? Not that unlikely really!

That's how I read it, Crocodilio.

I'd just like to add that my best friend (of 23 years) never wanted to have children. From when we became teenagers until 4 years ago she was adamant, as was her husband, that they both never wanted children. I 100% believed her as I know her very well after such a long time.

Then in Feb 2008 she called me to tell me she was pregnant. She called me before she even told her husband because it was a complete mistake (condom broke and she'd even taken the MAP to avoid getting pregnant) she was scared that he was going to be really p-ssed off about it and she wanted my support.

Turns out he was delighted, and, after she saw the little bean in the first scan, she really was too. Their daughter will be 4 in August and while they are definitely stopping at one (you don't have to have 2 or more children if you don't want to don't forget), she's now training to be a midwife. I joke with her when I remind her how she was just a few short years ago.

It's increasingly common not to want to have children and it is your body so your decision. However I will say that imho having a child is the most amazing thing. Yes, we can't go to numberous gigs and concerts and don't eat out very much (babysitter hassle) and yes, the stress of schools and drugs and his overall future happiness is scary but the love and joy he gives us is great. (Ask me again when he hits the teenage years though... ).

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you for all your kind words. Can I please assure you all that I am not a journalist as has been mentioned. I did actually find that one quite funny. Just because i don't "chat lyk dis" and I actually talk like this does not mean I'm a journalist, I am simply lucky enough to be able to express myself through written word with relative ease. If you heard me talk on the other hand, you have a different opinion. Think cockney accent.
Thank you again for your continued opinions, I'm reading them with interest.

haha. There you go, I've messed up. "You WOULD have a different opinion" Typical.

Well there have been a few posts about changing your mind. This one isn't. My sister never wanted children, even as a little girl she didn't play with dolls and said she never wanted babies. She had her tubes tied at 27 (ish!) to make sure there would never be any accidents. She has always been upfront in relationships, if there was a suggestion it was more than jsut a few shags she made sure they knew that children would never be on the agenda.

I do worry though. She has a lovely fiance now but he likes children, he has decided that he is happy enough to not have them but I do worry that he will regret that in years to come. I hope not.

You need to be honest with each other and talk about it. It isn't fair on either of you to keep going in a relationship if you don't have shared goals. You may change your mind, you may not. It sounds like you need to make sur you are certain of your feelings.

At 26, I never wanted children. At 27, 28, 29, 30, 31 and 32 I never wanted children. At 33, I fell pregnant by accident. I had DS just after my 34th birthday. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with him, I was head over heels in love with him. His Dad died a few years later (I'd been an LP for about 5 years by then).

Then, at 43, I fell pregnant again with my gorgeous DD. Again, it was a bit of an accident as I just didn't think I'd get pregnant at that age and I'd had surgery which made it all the less likely. I never thought I'd be a mum of two. They are both hard work as I'm once again an LP as my DD's Dad died when I was 6 months pregnant.

But they're both worth every minute of it all.........

OP at your age I split up from my partner of 7 years for the exact same reason. I was adamant I didn't want children. In retrospect I think I knew deep down that having children with him would be a disaster.

Six years later my biological clock started to tick about the same time I met DH. It was as much a surprise to me as anyone else. I wonder if in some way it was about meeting someone who made the thought of being a parent somehow acceptable. Or maybe it was just eh hormones talking.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is if the decision not to have children is the right one for you then who is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Time invested in yourself and career at your age is a good thing, especially if you do change your mind at a later date. It's OK not to want children. It's OK to be ambivalent about the whole thing. But what's not OK is to sublimate your wants and needs to that of a man's.

Thank you slug.

No, don't have children "even though you're not into the idea". .
They're for life, not just for Christmas you know.