Had enough of Emotional Abuse from DH..

[KK8]

Hi all.

Long time lurker here but never had to courage to post.

So been with DH for 9 years, married for 5. DS is 7, I've had 4 MC's so no subsequent children.

My problem is the way my husband speaks to me. He works away around Europe during the week and I work PT in school hours to fit around DS. He constantly tells me how lucky I am to have a roof over my head provided by him, and how others would kill to be in my position. I sit in that house once DS is in bed and my family is 100 miles away. The only person I have nearby conveniently is MIL (and, obviousy, he worships the ground she walks on.) I may add at this point that he gives me £300 pm for the food shopping for the three of us and that is it - I don't ask him for an extra penny. What I want - I buy with my wages and I also pay off my own bills from a loan I took out when we first had DS and credit cards I ran up during the time up until last year when he was still giving me £140 pm for food for the three of us. I buy DS clothes and shoes when he needs them because I feel I can't ask DH. He buys the latest football kit/trainers, but I buy uniform/plimsols etc..

He has refused since day one to put my name on the house, so I have nothing to my name. But he also refuses to sell up and move so we can own a joint property - presumably because he doesn't want us to be equals. His dad is a builder and turned the 1 bedroom bungalow into a 3 bedroom house for minimal cost so there is undeniably profit in the property to enable us to move. He calls me ungrateful for the fact he puts a roof over my head. I am ungrateful for everything. Last month I was doing MIL's hair and he was talking about taking DS out of school to go on holiday (something we row about ALL the time because he thinks he is above the law and can take him out whenever he likes) We already took DS out for a long weekend at Centreparcs last November and I told him at the time we wouldn't be able to apply again this school year - so he keeps banging on in front of his mother and I simply say 'I'm not having this conversation' because I don't want to row in front of his mum, (who by the way completely agrees with him because 'in my day' we did what we liked with our children and took them out of school whenever we liked) her children range from 30 to 23!! Conversation is changed and honestly I forgot about it until his mum left and he came in screaming about how rude I am to speak like that in front of his mum, how selfish and ungrateful I am, if anyone else had been offered a free holiday they would have snapped it up and been grateful!! He honestly does not see us as a family unit with a joint pool of money - he sees it as a holiday paid by him is a feeebie to me and therefore I have to be eternally grateful. I walked out and told DS I was nipping to my friends because I didn't want him to hear anymore than he had. I texted DH 'sort yourself and DS out for dinner, I don't want anything from you' because we were meant to be getting takeaway. About an hour later I get a text saying he can't order their food till I get back (?!?! There's about a dozen takeaways within delivering distance from us!) and when I get back, not only does he deny receiving my text (no red exclamation mark on my iPhone!!!!) but DS is on the sofa going oh mum I'm staaaarving why have you been so long!! And DH starts calling me (in front of DS) selfish for making my son wait for him dinner whikle I go off in a strop :-(

Another example - last year I did his lottery numbers for him which I have done MANY times before, and 4 numbers came up, so he was obviously pleased, but when he was putting DS to bed I realised I'd scribbled one fucking number out wrong!! So he won a tenner instead of 60 quid. He gave me a week to get the difference into his bank account. I had to borrow it off my mum :(

About a year ago I packed everything I owned and went to leave. I said I wanted to go while I am still young enough (30) to find someone else and start again, and he promised to changed. He recognised he fell into the EA category (because I did LOTS of printing and pink highlighting!) and obviously he was ok for a while but it creeps back doesn't it and he's back to talking to me like a piece of shit again except for when he wants sex.

DS is picking up on things now and a couple of times has said 'Dad doesn't like you' which has been the icing on the cake for me and makes me ant to leave but I AM SCARED TO!!!!! Please if you've been in this situation before I'd love to hear of similiar stories....

I could give a million other scenarios :-(

If you made it this far thanks, I really didn't mean for it to be this long!! xxxx

Part of me wants to agree with jbuck but if he sees the book it might escalate his abuse.

Could you keep it in your car? Get it posted to a work/friend's address? Then just read it when he's away?

It really is worth the read, not all of it will apply, but it was a real eye opener for me.

Oh god, he is AWFUL! You can't possibly stay with him. Please, please do everything you can to leave.

I would get in touch with Women's Aid and talk things through with them. Get a good solicitor - they'll see you are financially abused and will do everything they can to help you. My friends who divorced didn't pay a penny to the solicitors until the house was sold.

I can't even finish your post KK

This thread is so upsetting I'd hide it but for the fact that I hope and pray to see a post from you in the future saying you're free at last...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Please don't squander any more of it on this awful abusive twunt and the parents who raised him to have no respect or consideration for anyone other than himself.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk If the national helpline is oversubscribed, locate your nearest branch and give them a call during usual office hours.

Oh KK8 your H sounds just like my ex, there must be a book or a course somewhere that these idiots take (alternative charm school). The only difference it that the turd in your life actually has a job!!

I left 5 times over the course of 11 years because of this kind of treatment and every time he'd promise he'd sort himself out and didn't (first time he managed a month of relatively normal behaviour but it was shorter each time I went back).

I can definitely identify with the keeping money from you. When we first moved in together I ended up paying all the bills from my wages and having next to nothing left but he was still spending all his wages on himself and gave me the third degree if I asked him for money for fuel or food. I also ended up running up credit card debt because it was just easier than asking him.

2 weeks after having our son, he decided that he didn't get enough spare cash any more because of having to pay bills that I could no longer pay due to only getting maternity pay so he quit his job. I went back to work full time after 3 weeks because I had to pay the mortgage. We eventually had to sell the house, and were fortunate that the sale went through a week before the repossession court proceedings were due to start.

Whenever we ran out of cash before payday (which was often as he still drank and smoked) I'd get told to phone my dad for money and 'I'd better get some or else'.

This is just the tip of the iceburg of the type of crap I put up with because I thought that it was my fault. I ran myself into the ground trying to please this self-important wanker and it just isn't worth it.

I left and took my son to my parents house and stayed there until I could afford to rent, but the relief was instant. It was like the black clouds have cleared and I felt literally lighter.

You've already recognised that this is no way to live and that's the first step towards leaving. I was terrified of leaving and had so many threats of 'I will take our son away and you'll never see him again' etc but that's all they are, just threats. He's afraid you'll leave because who will he berate then, nobody else will put up with his crap!

I hope you finding the inner strength to leave sooner rather than later and it's inner strength you already have because look at what you deal with already. :)

Is he away at present? Contact women's aid, the go and see a solicitor they recommend fort your free 1/2 hour.
Gather all the legal documents you can find and post them or copies to your relatives. That is: passports, birth certificates, details of all bank account, mortgage, savings, insurance, payslips/tax.

Be brave, and get out. It is harming you son already, that comment about the coat shows he doesn't have a normal relationship with his father (and is afraid/worried about him).

'well you should be grateful woman what are you complaining about'.

That's just his conditioning. :(

Tbh I don't think you need a book now. You know he is damaging you and your family. Reading about his type may give you closure or strength during the inevitable break up.

You need a good solicitor to work out what you can do.
Do not let him bully you into thinking you are dependent on him.

im so sorry youre going through this. He sounds really abusive.

I hope you find the strength to leave very soon

KK I hope you're ok today...thinking of you.

OMG, you poor, poor thing. You should definitely get out. He is controlling, abusive and just plain nasty.
When you get divorced - you will be entitled to some of the value of the marital home, so please don't worry about that. Basically, the sum total of all the assets get split and the priority of any court would be the housing of your DS.
You'll get loads of support on here. Huge hugs to you. Believe me, being a single parent (and I am one) will be a walk in the park compared to what you are enduring at the moment.

I think if any one thing the OP has said encompasses what this man is like, it's the little tale about the lottery ticket.
OP - that is NOT how a loving and good man treats his wife. Nowhere near.
Those are the actions of a peevish, controlling person who derives pleasure from bullying you and seeing you ground down in his overbearing shadow.
I mean, what an utter bellend he must be to react like that!

This man has no interest in having a partner - he wants a subbordinate. What a clown!

KK8 - can I set you a little test?

When he comes home, look at him steadily, and calmly and quietly say: you treat me like dirt and you do not treat me like a husband should treat his wife. If I am not worth treating with respect, why are you here?

Then, calmly and quietly record his reaction. Record it, and write it down. Why? Because the moment of change is when YOU stop denying/taking the blame, and acknowledge that you are in an abusive/controlling situation. Then, after that, it is baldly writing down the truth in black and white.

From now on, record in a diary all dismissive/demeaning words, and behaviours that keep you short of money. So he earns ££££££ and you earn ££ part time, but YOU have to pay for your car. You MUST have a record.

The hardest thing, is proving his abusive behaviour in court. Read Bob Lundy on this. The act they put on about how difficult YOU are.

I meant, record the verbal harangue you will get on your Iphone.

PS you also need to become aware of your legal rights. When he married you, HE ENTERED a legal contract.

You will find, that what he says is his law, and what the real law says he is responsible for, are two entirely different things - too bad for him!

Half that house? is yours, if not more (because of DS). Half that debt? is his.

In addition to what others said, you are working PT to accommodate his work, really, so that you can be there for your DS.
You can claim for loss of gains in that respect.

If you were working full time, he would have to pay at least part of the child care.
In fact, I'd be tempted to charge him for that, given that he is so controlling about finances. Weekends and all.

Hi KK8,
Hope you're okay today, we're thinking of you, please let us know you're alright.

Hi all

I am ok today thanks - a little overwhelmed I must admit by all the posts, but I appreciate your honesty.

I read somewhere recently that there are 3 steps to overcoming emotional abuse - recognising it, coming to terms with it and then dealing with it. I've definitely recognised it, am starting to come to terms with it and will inevitably have to deal with it. I know what I have to do, but I am petrified to do it.

I am away at my mums with DS this week, so have got a few days to clear my head and start to think straight!

Thanks again, will keep you posted xx

I can only give my recent experience but I wasn't married and didn't have children with the wankspasm..........

He lives in Europe (as I do now) and over 3 years I travelled to see him every month from the UK or the Middle East (yeah, he always had an excuse not to travel and I was a muppet). I then got made redundant in the crisis from my very well paid job in the Middle East and moved in with him (different country, different language). This was always the plan albeit bought forward by my redundancy.

I paid for his new kitchen (2000 euros) while I was working as he couldn't afford it (he is 15 yrs older than me too).

When I arrived I handed over all my redundancy money (over 10 grand) and barely saw a penny of it. (There was a valid admin reason for handing it over I wasn't quite such a dumbass!)

So, new country and a different language in the crisis and I really struggled to find work. I was constantly shouted at for not paying for anything and told I was a "lazy fat cow" because I wasn't working or running around after him.

Any time I spent looking for work resulted in being shouted at for "playing" on the computer. I had interview after depressing interview for jobs that didn't exist - an awful time.

After 7 months I got a temp job for 8 months and made decent money which all ended up in his bank account. I was really ill for a week over the Xmas period but still went in (happy to work!). He cleared off skiing with the car and his sons and left me to it.

Basically he did all sorts like shouting at me in front of his friends and "sending" me home because I'd turned up to a bar to meet him (after helping a friend out on her farm) with a stain on my top.

Yelling and screaming at me if I ever dared having a few beers with MY friends who had come a long way to see me.

Constantly complaining that I didn't pay anything - which was true for some time but it certainly wasn't through choice! When I did get my job he told me he wanted 1000 euros in his bank account every month - no calculation, no justification just 1000 euros.

During all this he had also started physically abusing me which was always justified by the fact that he never actually HIT me (the half-nelson was his favourite coupled with banging my head on the floor - enough to give me a black eye)

He loved wanking over porn all the time ("can you do such and such when you've finished work, I couldn't coz I've had SUCH a busy morning ) and was awful to his ex-wife and Mother. These are BIG red flags for me now.

I started drinking heavily and finally smoking heavily too. I started hating myself for being in this nasty situation - I had been financially independant since leaving school. He started telling all his friends I was an alcoholic - I'm not I was just utterly miserable and I think a lot of his friends realised that. I felt sex-less and a shadow of my former self.

I finally got a steady job here and left him like a shot. He half-nelsoned me for the last time and I skidaddled. I haven't looked back - I've got a lovely little appartment and freedom and peace.

I can get by in the language which is also very rewarding. I drink occasionaly with my friends and I'm packing in smoking. I'm also loosing weight (that was his other favourite, I was too fat at 10.5 stone and not a "playgirl" - twat)

The best thing is that he was retired early (at 50 - ex-military) and only "worked" a few hours a week so not to affect his pension - lazy fecker!

Please leave him, find your freedom and peace with your kid - life's too flaming short to waste on these idiot men who only serve to poison and pollute everyone around them.

(phew sorry that was long but it feels good to write it down!)

Hi KK8

I am glad to hear that you will inevitably deal with this awful situation. The lottery ticket story is disgusting and it is heart breaking to hear that your DS says his father doesn't like you. This arrogant pig has got away with emotional bullying for too long, his parents clearly have not set a good example!!!

Don't be scared to leave sooner rather than later. Your family will be there every step of the way to support you emotionally and financially. I'm sure they would be over the moon for you to move back home where you are loved and respected!! Your DS will adjust in no time and although it will be hard wouldn't you rather he was brought up in an environment learning proper family values other than how to wear down a woman.

I'm sure reading the book will help but don't waste your time. You say you are at your family's now...stay there. That is no home for you or your DS!!! A house and a job are not everything and can soon be replaced. Being happy and feeling loved is the most important thing!! This is not a marriage please get out while you are still young enough to move on and have a loving family with someone who deserves you!!

Don't be sad or scared of leaving him, just feel sorry for the next poor woman who has to suffer his crap!!x

I hope you can soon find the strength to get away from him, and limit the influence the way he is treating you is having on your vulnerable son's life

What he said about his coat is heartbreaking

Hi there,

I appreciate the great distress you feel and desperation for a different life. It seemed to me that in your posting you were not seeking advice but the support of others who might be suffering similar experiences, yet as a reader one automatically thinks you wish to leave the situation and feels the need to offer support of this.

Forgive me if I sound harsh - but there is no mention of affection or love, but only of practicalities. If you leave and need to (worst case) live in a refuge what will you have lost and what will you have gained? Ask yourself honestly, what is most important.

Is an iPhone necessary - or can it be sold to buy two coach tickets? Fashionable trainers? Ideally what we would all love to give on demand (sometimes) but not essential. I am sure you agree any mother's duty (despite the age we live in) is to offer safety love and shelter. Those are things you can give living on the most meagre income, so what is it that is keeping you? If you are unhappy but can't bear the thought of living in reduced circumstances then think about what it is you value most? Is it DH who has trouble looking in the mirror now or you? There is nothing stopping you from 'starting again' alone, if you think this is what your son deserves. If you think it is not, why are you still there?

I would have imagined that giving yourself space is really only a period of restoring strength before returning to the familiar comfort of what you are used to (however bad).

You have a choice, your DS does not. Make the one that will be less painful long-term for him (ie for the remainder of his life), he is reliant on you for this.

I hope I don't sound unfeeling, I know what such a situation is like, however in my experience I had no rights (being the DS in this scenario). I mean to help, and wish you the very best whatever you decide.

Safe journeys.

Hi KK8, I hope your ok, enjoy the time at your mums. You have taken a massive step in recognising his behaviour is completely abusive and intolerable. You need to break free from this man, the quicker the better, perhaps you can confide in a friend or your mum?
Coming on here was my first step.. Talking to a friend was the next, then telling him it was over was the next.

Be strong, not all men are complete fuckwits, you don't want your DS growing up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
We are here for you day or night. X

Poor poor you KK8. Can I ask what exactly you are petrified of? If you could tell us, maybe we can all help you get past those fears and move on without him.

It took me years to get out, but I havent regretted it for a moment, ever. And it really is the very best thing you will do for your DS. Lots of luck with this, you have come so far already xx

i feel for you, i was in exactly the same situation, i decided for the sake of myself, and my two kids to leave, it was a tough, but i had become a shadow of my self, every time i heard his key in the door i was gripped with fear, i became isolated from my friends and family, and wasn't allowed out without permission, if i did go out and was a couple of mins late the terror i felt was horrendous, that was 10 yrs ago, since then i've met a fantastic man, and we have 3 kids together, leaving was the best thing i ever did, i found myself again, take care xx

Kk8 is it ok to pm you ?