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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this relationship is abusive!

43 replies

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:21

Shit I really think I have got myself involved with an abusive man. He can be charming and lovely, but isn't that typical quite often? Looking back I did see signs within the first month, but then things got better and I thought it was just getting to know each other etc. I just feel he has no respect sometimes and can be snappy, making me feel cautious and on eggshells then this happened at the weekend.

Everything great in the morning laughing joking having a banter loved it, he took me into to town so I could buy a bag, he said I could use his store card as may get a discount, but when we got to till the lady explained if I opened a card I would discount but not on his. I didn't want to do this for various reasons, so I said no thanks, he told me to listen to the woman as might be worth while I said no its ok I don't want one, he then shouted really loud 'alright wind your neck in' I felt uncomfortable, well embarrassed really, but kinda let it go. Later on he was buying me a cake asked which one I wanted, They all looked yummy so I found it hard to decide, I choose then changed my mind, he looked at me and said 'why the fuck do you do that' I said I just changed my mind whats wrong with that. Anyway I was feeling a bit hurt there were other digs, so I just wanted to go home, he knew I was quiet but couldn't understand why. I went home had a cry and went back later hoping he would be in a better mood. He told me to go upstairs and look on the bed, there he left some chocolates in a heart box on my pillow, nice I thought, I brought them downstairs and said thank u they're lovely, then I seemed to get a mouthful about why I brought them downstairs they're not to eat now, why am I opening them I've had them before, why do I need to look at them. I said for god sake I'll take them back upstairs then. I was upset and there was an atmosphere so I went home. To cut a long story short I did finish with him as his attitude just stunk, He came around in a rage swearing shouting slamming stuff I was in the corner crying and shaking I wasn't sure if he was going to hit me or not, I just tried to say the right things to calm him down I asked him to leave but he wouldn't, I was scared.

He then calmed down and apologised and apologised said how out of order he has been how he shouldn't of spoken to me the way he did the day before and how he shouldn't of shouted at me the way he did and that he was just scared to loose me, he loved me and that I know we're meant to be together etc. he made me a coffee got me tissues, said it would never happen again. I'm just walking around in a daze not knowing what to do, I have NOONE no family very few friends, I'm in a real mess :-(

OP posts:

TheLightSaver · 02/04/2012 22:24

Listen. And listen carefully.

You see those trainers over there? Stick them on and fucking run. As fast as you can.

Do NOT let hmi in again. If he does the above again, report him to the police via the 101 number. In fact fucking report him now, the fucking needledick.

So sorry you've had to deal with this.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 22:25

Bin this man, he's abusive all right.
You don't live with him, you don't have DC with him, just bin him - by text if you like.
Then make yourself a promise that you will not date for a whole year, and that you will use that year to work on your boundaries and self-esteem - perhaps with the help of a counsellor, perhaps via something like the Freedom Programme. Because right now you're in a mess due to a succession of abusive men, which means, unfortunately, that you are a magnet for predatory arseholes like the one you're just about to get rid of. You can get through this and get strong and be happy, but you need time away from men to do so.

puds11 · 02/04/2012 22:26

run! don't look back! he is most certainly abusive! and vindictive and scary. A lucky escape if he even talks to you like that in public.
I hope your ok

Annpan88 · 02/04/2012 22:28

I didn't want to read and run! Don't k ie what to say bug do not stay involved with this man, your instinct is telling you something, don't ignore it, stay strong XX

pictish · 02/04/2012 22:28

Yes indeed. He's a mindfuck.
You are right. Your instinct serves you well. Your smarts are kicking in and doing you proud.
Stay away from this man.

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2012 22:29

You live separately, don't you? I really hope.

Just what the others said. Never, ever have anything else to do with him again. He's absolutely crazy and pretty soon he will have you believing he's normal and you're crazy.

Please, please end it now.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 02/04/2012 22:29

Sounds classic to me based on my experience. Next time this happens he may hit you. Even if he doesn't it's still abuse. Don't hang around to find out. Women have died at the hands of men like this. Don't want to alarm you but it's true.

TheLightSaver · 02/04/2012 22:30

Getting rid of him by text is certainly a good way to do it - should he harass you in any way afterwards you will have proof you have told him you do not wish to be involved with him, and the date on which you sent it.

Dry your eyes lovey - this wanker doesn't deserve your tears.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:32

He won't let me finish with him though he will most probably come round and batter the door down he is a big guy!!! I have noone!!! He has just lost his job this week because of his attitude, his Manager couldn't work with him. Thank god I have no kids this week.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 02/04/2012 22:33

Totally textbook abuser, yes.

Hills ---> that way.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:34

Imperial he has already made me feel like that I am too over sensitive apparently!!!

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 02/04/2012 22:35

That is what the police are for. You do not need his permission to dump him.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:39

Shit what have I got myself into !!!!

OP posts:

carernotasaint · 02/04/2012 22:39

Follow your instincts and dump this entitled controlling abuser. And if he wont take no for an answer or comes banging on your door CALL THE POLICE.

BustersOfDoom · 02/04/2012 22:39

Dump his arse and run like the wind. He's not nice by any means. Listen to SGB. No man who loves you makes you cry or treats you like that and especially not a few months in to a relationship! He sounds like a great catch - not. And it will happen again if you stay with him. Again and again and again. Even if you have no family and very few friends this man will do you more harm than good and will no doubt try and isolate you from the friends/support you have right now.

Please tell him to get to fuck. You are worth more than this and he will make your life utterly miserable if you don't get rid.

puds11 · 02/04/2012 22:40

call the police hun

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 22:40

Yup, don't for a minute believe that this knob has superpowers. You have every right to bin him and there's nothing he can do about it. Unless he fucks off completely and leaves you alone, he can be put in prison.

And don't worry about what he thinks. He's a knob and his opinion doesn't matter. Nor do his job prospects. None of it's your problem.

TheLightSaver · 02/04/2012 22:42

Ok, so you know what you have to do? You have to call 101, and report him NOW. Tell police you are going to do this (ie dump him) and that you are scared.

They will be able to flag you for urgent assistance if you log it now.

Can you stay with a friend whilst you get rid of him? Can a friend stay with you?

Let him batter the door down - the stupid cunt will get done for criminal damage as well. As

LoopyLoopsIsTentativelyBack · 02/04/2012 22:43

What everyone else said. You'll be fine. Well done for doing something sooner rather than later.

BustersOfDoom · 02/04/2012 22:44

And yes of course you can finish with him. Call the police if he comes round and batters your door! Are you really going to go out with someone who you are shit scared of? Call the police as soon as he threatens you if he does! That is what they are there for. My guess is that he probably has previous. Let them deal with him.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:47

A friend actually fixed me up with him as he seemed so nice and cried when his fiance left him, that is how good he is at looking so great to other people, everyones his best friend, evryone wants to adopt him. I know he hit his last girlfriend at least once but of course that was all her fault etc.

So I should call the police before I dump him? As I would never get to the phone once he was here, I threatened to that yesterday, no way would I of got there

OP posts:

Columbia999 · 02/04/2012 22:51

Love isn't talking to another person as if they're a piece of shit. Love isn't frightening and threatening another person. This bloke needs to be gone right now before he does any more damage.
Good luck.

ledkr · 02/04/2012 22:53

I agree do not undestimate this idiot.He sounds completely unhinged.

You have the benefit of heeding the early warning signs so use them and get rid and do not hesitate to contact the police for help,they will not laugh at you,they have a very dim view of little inadequate wankers like him.

TheLightSaver · 02/04/2012 22:56

Where are you now OP?

Where is he?

Lueji · 02/04/2012 22:57

Make sure you dump him in a public place or just ring him. Do not let him in again and call the police if he threatens you in any way.

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