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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this relationship is abusive!

43 replies

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 22:21

Shit I really think I have got myself involved with an abusive man. He can be charming and lovely, but isn't that typical quite often? Looking back I did see signs within the first month, but then things got better and I thought it was just getting to know each other etc. I just feel he has no respect sometimes and can be snappy, making me feel cautious and on eggshells then this happened at the weekend.

Everything great in the morning laughing joking having a banter loved it, he took me into to town so I could buy a bag, he said I could use his store card as may get a discount, but when we got to till the lady explained if I opened a card I would discount but not on his. I didn't want to do this for various reasons, so I said no thanks, he told me to listen to the woman as might be worth while I said no its ok I don't want one, he then shouted really loud 'alright wind your neck in' I felt uncomfortable, well embarrassed really, but kinda let it go. Later on he was buying me a cake asked which one I wanted, They all looked yummy so I found it hard to decide, I choose then changed my mind, he looked at me and said 'why the fuck do you do that' I said I just changed my mind whats wrong with that. Anyway I was feeling a bit hurt there were other digs, so I just wanted to go home, he knew I was quiet but couldn't understand why. I went home had a cry and went back later hoping he would be in a better mood. He told me to go upstairs and look on the bed, there he left some chocolates in a heart box on my pillow, nice I thought, I brought them downstairs and said thank u they're lovely, then I seemed to get a mouthful about why I brought them downstairs they're not to eat now, why am I opening them I've had them before, why do I need to look at them. I said for god sake I'll take them back upstairs then. I was upset and there was an atmosphere so I went home. To cut a long story short I did finish with him as his attitude just stunk, He came around in a rage swearing shouting slamming stuff I was in the corner crying and shaking I wasn't sure if he was going to hit me or not, I just tried to say the right things to calm him down I asked him to leave but he wouldn't, I was scared.

He then calmed down and apologised and apologised said how out of order he has been how he shouldn't of spoken to me the way he did the day before and how he shouldn't of shouted at me the way he did and that he was just scared to loose me, he loved me and that I know we're meant to be together etc. he made me a coffee got me tissues, said it would never happen again. I'm just walking around in a daze not knowing what to do, I have NOONE no family very few friends, I'm in a real mess :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 23:05

I know its just the getting rid of him thats the problem! I'm at home in my bed with my cats lol....he's at his home 5 minutes away. I don't feel in any danger at the moment but yes I am scared to finish with him in case something simular happens again. I was shaking and crying it was awful, I just kept telling myself he won't hit me he told me he would never hit me but then I kind of thought well if he does I will just have to take it and maybe he would then calm down and leave! Its amazing you have these things going round your head.

OP posts:

Pickgo · 02/04/2012 23:09

Yes you need to call the police and describe what happened when you finished with him after THE weekend.

Tell them that he is a big man with a violent temper and is controlling and abusive and that you are scared of his reaction when you tell him again that the relationship is over. Ask them to record your call so that they can respond quickly should anything happen.

Text him you do not want to see him again and tell him you are going away for a few days. (And do go away if you can). If he turns up do NOT let him in, say you said all there is to say and ask him to leave. Tell him you will call the police if he doesn't go. And then call the police on 999 if he doesn't go straight away.

This article has some good advice on getting rid of abuser boyfriends www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Sorry you are in this position but you really have no choice but to get rid. His behaviour will get worse with time.

lovebunny · 02/04/2012 23:27

You do really need to be without hm, soon and permanently. you might need to think clearly, be quiet and calm, get help.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 02/04/2012 23:32

God pickgo, that article gave me chills. It was my exp to a t...

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 02/04/2012 23:36

I think I need to have a plan before I do anything. That link was really good thank u pickgo, alot of things there I could relate to.

OP posts:

Pickgo · 02/04/2012 23:43

Yes it describes my ex (note EX) to a tee to. He asked me to marry him 6 weeks in. Almost every other trait was there too to some degree.

Be prepared though UYB72 he will probably try to get in touch a few times after he's dumped - just do as the article says be boring, reptitive and be prepared to call 999 very quickly if he actually turns up. Don't fall for any sob stories/tears/suicide threats and let him in your house.

oikopolis · 02/04/2012 23:44

OP your plan is simple.

call police
tell them what happened
tell them you're going to split with him
call him
split with him
call police if he turns up, and save any texts/emails.

don't try to "manage" this situation any more than that. you can't. if you try to, i guarantee you you'll end up either injured, or back with him, after he talks you round.

pictish · 02/04/2012 23:45

You do not want to be talked round. That would be very bad for you.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 03/04/2012 06:32

thanks for your help everyone, its really helped, I have been wide awake most of the night. I need to sort this while my kids are away and the good thing is I'm away next week.

The plan might sound simple, but when your in the situation is terrifying, but I'm strong and will have to do this.

OP posts:

Theglassishalffull · 03/04/2012 08:31

If he can be like that over something little then what would he be like after something major?You said he hit his ex in all liklyhood he will do it to you .... Leave him and fast... Do as the others have said ... Don't let him manipulate you into staying.

JustHecate · 03/04/2012 08:35

If you stay with this man he will hurt you. He WILL hurt you.

Getting away from him now carries a risk of him being threatening to you, and you may need the support of the police

But if you stay with him, he will be kicking you round the kitchen. I know it's scary, but you need to get him out of your life now. If you stay with him through fear, you will have a lifetime of fear. You deserve better than that.

solidgoldbrass · 03/04/2012 11:15

It is scary, yes, but it's not just you against one large and thuggish but fundamentally cowardly and inadequate man. He does not have superpowers. He doesn't live in your house and has no right of access to it, so if he turns up and makes a fuss outside the door, the police will come and remove him. By force if necessary. If you call the police DV unit before you dump him, and tell them you are afraid of this man coming to your house and attacking you, it will be noted so you will get a fast response if you need to call them. You will be able, if necessary, to get court orders that prevent this man from approaching or contacting you in any way and if he disobeys the court orders he will go to prison.
In the meantime, tell all your friends that you dumped him because he was rude and aggressive and frightened you, that he's a bully and that's why he can't hold down a relationship. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

NicknameTaken · 03/04/2012 11:22

Great that you have this window of opportunity to dump him (kids away this week, you away next). Use it. It gets harder and harder to get rid of men like this, not easier, so the sooner you act the better.

paulapantsdown · 03/04/2012 11:33

Well in your (sensible) head, the 'relationship' is clearly over now, so its just a case of getting the message over to him. As others have said, get it done asap and get away while the dust settles.

I have seen situations like this, and these weirdos sometimes move on to the next girlfriend/victim very quickly.

MorrisZapp · 03/04/2012 11:47

What they all said. Tell him calmly by text that you don't want to see him again. Lock everything and under no circs let him in - as others have said, he is not entitled to access to your home.

Have your phone on you at all times. Let people know what you're planning to do.

Hardest of all perhaps is not allowing him to talk you round. You can't engage - it's over and that's all you need to say to him. He doesn't need or deserve an explanation or help to deal with it. If he cries, he cries. If he threatens suicide, tell him to see his GP. It isn't your problem.

OTheHugeManatee · 03/04/2012 12:06

I'm rooting for you, OP. This man is a dick.

Jennylee · 03/04/2012 14:42

Don't take him back as he will act really nice and you will forget how scared you felt and begin to think you were imagining the whole thing, until next time.
adn you will be walking on eggshelss trying not to trigger him off. you must have a friend or a family member to tell or the person that fixed you up with him. an d if he comes round do not open the door!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 03/04/2012 16:20

You're going to be fine, sweetheart.

Oik's plan upthread is the way to go (inform police, dump, call police if need be). You can do it, and you'll be fine.

Remember: NO contact. You don't owe him anything: not to be let in your house, not to have "one last chat", not even to read any e-mails/letters he may send you. You inform him that he is dumped, and that is it. Then you carry on with your life with your children and your cats and yes, the Freedom Programme.

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