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Original poster

to throw water over dh

47 replies

helpamiwrong · 02/04/2012 17:59

to cut a long story short, weve been having marriage problems for a long time now, and have been working hard to resolve them. we go to a marriage counsellor once a week. a main issue is that he does not not give me personal emotional space, especially when dealing with conflict, and also in the way he speaks to me - he basicallly has no respect.

anyway, i am very tired these days, my baby is feeding at night every 2 hours or so, which doesn't help. but dh has upset me nearly every day now for nearly a week with the way he is speaking to me.

examples - i asked him to let me know when his friends were coming round. he didn't and they came round when i had just gone to bed, so i just sent a text to say i was upset and angry that he hadn't let me know. i got hells abuse for this, he came up, swore at me, mocked my voice at me, would not get out of my room until he had finished (i tell him i don't want to talk about it till he has calmed down)

Another example was when we were putting the baby in the jumparoo and i fixed the buckles so they were tight enough, he shouts at me 'what are you doing THAT for' another example he was feeding the baby (he does last feed to sleep) and she wouldn't go to sleep so i suggested using a sleep bag to help her feel more cosy and he he cracked up with me as he disagreed. he just speaks to me in general like crap, and i have no confidence left.

so to get to today, we were discussing what to do today as he was off, and were arguing about it. i thought we had finished talking about what to do as we decided i was not going out (i had been thinking about it) and that he was going to be doing some letters that needed sending while i minded the baby. so i walked into the kitchen to get a drink. he mutters about me confusing him. i say what? he says youre just confusing me now, and just walking away when we haven't finished talking, u just walk away like that' as if ive done something majorly wrong!
so i go and sit down and say what do we need to talk about (slightly annoyed at being spoken to like that) and he says, as if he is talking to someone who does not understand plain english, really loud, gaps in between, slooooooowly: plans - for - today - plans - for - today .....
as he was going to repeat it again to me, i get up, walk over and drop some of my water down his front.
i did not want to get angry in front of the baby. i could not hold my anger in. talking to him about the way he speaks to me does not make him respect me - it seemed the only thing i could do at the time.

i know this is not going to make him respect me. it was stupid. but i don't know if it was wrong. he has been speaking to me like crap. please help me know if im so wrong as since that, he has been acting like he is 'soooo hurt' and ive practically murdered him, ive stooped soooo low now and etc etc etc.

sorry this is so long. thanks anyone who takes the time to listen

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 02/04/2012 18:02

Your dh sounds like a bit of a prick tbh,sorry to be blunt but he doesnt sound like he has much respect for you.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2012 18:03

I think you were unreasonable and childish and it won't have helped.

However, why the hell are you with this man?

Shutupanddrive · 02/04/2012 18:04

YANBU what a prick Angry why are you with him?

pjmama · 02/04/2012 18:04

You unfortunately lose the moral high ground when you resort to throwing things, however I can understand how you could get to the end of your tether.

I think you need to talk to your counsellor - if the approach you're taking with each other isn't working then are there alternatives? For instance, perhaps the two of you could benefit from some time apart to think about what you want?

Ineedadollar · 02/04/2012 18:05

He sounds like a knob. Throwing water on him isn't very mature but hopefully it made you feel a bit better. I think you need some better coping strategies if you want to put up with this tosser man for much longer.

JasperJohns · 02/04/2012 18:05

It sounds like you're in the midst of a difficult time, exacerbated by tiredness with a young baby.

However, I really dislike any lashing out like throwing water, it's awful. I think your dh is right to be hurt. You owe him an apology for this, regardless of all the squabbly stuff going on.

StateofConfusion · 02/04/2012 18:06

Yanbu if he was my dp I'd have thrown the whole glass at him before taking my child and leaving.

Sorry he's being such an arse op, the ladies in relationships section can be very helpful xx

NatashaBee · 02/04/2012 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2012 18:09

Yes it is wrong to thrown water over him.

You need to get out of there now, I don't see how staying together is going to end well

FloridPayolas · 02/04/2012 18:11

Tell him to watch the door does not hit his arse on the way out.

He is a dick.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/04/2012 18:12

YABU

He sounds bloody awful, and you should not have to put up with him treating you like that

But throwing water just makes things worse, if you were arguing and he threw water at you wouldn't you feel that had taken things up a notch? And now he'll feel like he has the moral highground when he has no right to

I don't know what to suggest, but I think if it were me I would apologise for throwing the water but be very clear that while you acknowledge that doing that was wrong, he has been treating you despicably and should be ashamed of himself, and that yours was a one off moment of madness but his behaviour has been nasty and sustained and you won't put up with it anymore

Original poster
helpamiwrong · 02/04/2012 18:13

thanks. i agree it is immature of me and stupid thing to do. i just could not think what else to do at the time. when he is standing in my face often to have a go at me, he is twice the size of me, strong and very intimidating. when i try to get my space when he is belittling me and try to close the door, he holds it open to get his point across. i guess by throwing the water it was something i COULD do i know that sounds stupid.
im with him as i believe in his heart he is a good person, he just has issues to sort out, hes been hurt in the past and its affected him now.
i don't really have anywhere to go, but i am trying to get a bit more support, see friends and family a bit more - but this is very hard as im getting depressed and losing my confidence

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 02/04/2012 18:15

Is he at home all day with you?

Original poster
helpamiwrong · 02/04/2012 18:22

he was at home today, after that incident i took the baby and went out. now im at home and hes out.

may, i will apologise and say i won't put up with it, but the problem is ive talked to him lots and lots of times about the way he speaks to me and he keeps saying 'ill take that on board' and never changes. he just thinks its normal to speak to me like that. i dont know wat to do from here.

i see now that what i did was very unreasonable. as yes it could have caused a whole fight on a new level and it is my fault....

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/04/2012 18:34

Don't take the blame for everything though, you did one thing that yes wasn't great but he has been treating you so badly for no reason at all

Would you think about giving him an ultimatum and meaning it? You don't have to live like this honestly you don't, and if he really is a good person at heart like you believe then he will be genuinely sorry to have treated you so badly won't he?

Take back the highground and stay there because you are worth so much more than this

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/04/2012 18:37

And also I have to say that he really doesn't think it's 'normal' to talk to you like that, because I bet he doesn't act the same way with his boss or his friends does he? So if he can control his behaviour, why does he treat you so badly?

I know you are trying to rationalise this and I understand that you feel protective of him because you love him, but he's supposed to love and respect and protect you too, it shouldn't be all one way Sad

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 02/04/2012 18:43

hi there
We are going to move this thread to relationships
Thanks
M Towers

Ambrosius · 02/04/2012 18:45

Grrr. My hackles are up just reading about him, I would have done more than tip water over him... But I would still have been in the wrong :(
He sounds awful, he has no right to speak to you like that. You don't have to put up with being belittled by him.
My first 'Leave the Bastard'.

izzyizin · 02/04/2012 18:52

You've been going to marriage counselling sessions once a week?

What is your counsellor's input into your problems?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 02/04/2012 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
helpamiwrong · 02/04/2012 19:00

the counsellor has said we need to have personal space when dealing with conflict - to deal with it at a time that suits us both when both calm, he finds this hard.
she also says for him to speak to me more gently.
i don't know what to do. it is part of his personality too - his mother is a bit like this too - she will just say what she thinks without any sensitivity and raise her voice/rant and not stop till she feels like it. he actually has had a few difficulties in work due to his personality. i think he has toned down a bit, but i get the brunt of everything.
i don't want anyone to be offended if you don't have any faith or anything, but the thing is, we are both from christian backgrounds, and i am under an awful lot of pressure to make my marriage work because of this. it seems so unfair. its like once we are married we believe thats it, till the end. to me, if it doesn't work out, its like being trapped. but if you walk away, youve failed. you can't win.

ideally i want to work on it and things to get better. im just upset cos much of my life is going past with unhappiness, and my daughter is here now too and im supposed to be enjoying this time with her. maybe we just need to get over the baby stage (shes 6 months so a lot of changes/stress) but we had problems BEFORE she came.
i just feel i have little support. i feel i can't talk to my family or friends (they know we are having some problems) as it will be unkind to talk abouthim and they will form an opinion. they don't know why i don't feel like going out as much, why i am so tired and drained all the time, etc etc. its because of all the arguments. and i can't tell them cos its just ongoing.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpamiwrong · 02/04/2012 19:02

if i showed him this thread he would be angry with me and i know exactly what he would say. he would say 1. people don't know our entire situation and context and 2. people online talk rubbish.

as thats what he has said in the past when ive told him advice i got from people online. he's such hard work!

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 02/04/2012 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppaIsBack · 02/04/2012 19:15

Whatever you do do NOT apologize to him because it will only results in you being a weaker position again. From what you said, it's hard enough for you to put your point accross, there is no way you will be able to apologize and NOT take all the blame for what happened.

Also I would talk to your friends and family and gather some RL support. You will NOT be unkind by talking about him. You would be if you were putting him down or making hin worse than he is. But if you can actually say what is going on ie the thruth how can that be unkind? The fact that he is behaving in an appauling way should not be left unackowledged by everyone.

You however are living in a house where your H shows no respect at all to you, is being dismissed and a bully (so you say yourself you find him intimidating). This is not a kind thing to do and you do not have to accept it, even on the ground of the christian faith. Being compassionate to people doen't mean accepting things that are unacceptable.
You do need some support and deserve it.

BTW, on the ground of his religion, has he though about what he is doing and unkind it is??

Cassettetapeandpencil · 02/04/2012 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.