to throw water over dh

[helpamiwrong]

to cut a long story short, weve been having marriage problems for a long time now, and have been working hard to resolve them. we go to a marriage counsellor once a week. a main issue is that he does not not give me personal emotional space, especially when dealing with conflict, and also in the way he speaks to me - he basicallly has no respect.

anyway, i am very tired these days, my baby is feeding at night every 2 hours or so, which doesn't help. but dh has upset me nearly every day now for nearly a week with the way he is speaking to me.

examples - i asked him to let me know when his friends were coming round. he didn't and they came round when i had just gone to bed, so i just sent a text to say i was upset and angry that he hadn't let me know. i got hells abuse for this, he came up, swore at me, mocked my voice at me, would not get out of my room until he had finished (i tell him i don't want to talk about it till he has calmed down)

Another example was when we were putting the baby in the jumparoo and i fixed the buckles so they were tight enough, he shouts at me 'what are you doing THAT for' another example he was feeding the baby (he does last feed to sleep) and she wouldn't go to sleep so i suggested using a sleep bag to help her feel more cosy and he he cracked up with me as he disagreed. he just speaks to me in general like crap, and i have no confidence left.

so to get to today, we were discussing what to do today as he was off, and were arguing about it. i thought we had finished talking about what to do as we decided i was not going out (i had been thinking about it) and that he was going to be doing some letters that needed sending while i minded the baby. so i walked into the kitchen to get a drink. he mutters about me confusing him. i say what? he says youre just confusing me now, and just walking away when we haven't finished talking, u just walk away like that' as if ive done something majorly wrong!
so i go and sit down and say what do we need to talk about (slightly annoyed at being spoken to like that) and he says, as if he is talking to someone who does not understand plain english, really loud, gaps in between, slooooooowly: plans - for - today - plans - for - today .....
as he was going to repeat it again to me, i get up, walk over and drop some of my water down his front.
i did not want to get angry in front of the baby. i could not hold my anger in. talking to him about the way he speaks to me does not make him respect me - it seemed the only thing i could do at the time.

i know this is not going to make him respect me. it was stupid. but i don't know if it was wrong. he has been speaking to me like crap. please help me know if im so wrong as since that, he has been acting like he is 'soooo hurt' and ive practically murdered him, ive stooped soooo low now and etc etc etc.

sorry this is so long. thanks anyone who takes the time to listen

cassette I would not have a problem with 2 people living together even if they are not in love and making it work.

I do have a major problem when one of the partners is being unrespectful (which I think is the basis on any relationship, being in love or not, in most relationships). I would hate that anyone (man or woman) would accept to live in these conditions on the ground of religion.

Sorry I mean respect is the basis of any relationship

I was going to say that things are super hard when a baby is very young and I remember a real low point for me and DH when I just lost it and threw a piece of cheese at him, hitting him on the arm. Now of course it didnt hurt but he was devastated - I have no idea why that was such a shock to him but it seemed like the worst thing I'd ever done. However, your current difficulties seem to be coming on top of problems that have been there for a long time.

Do you feel like it can be fixed or are you holding on because you think you should? If you had a magic wand and you could make anything happen, what would that be?

casse thanks for the book recommendation i will try to get it.

peppa... i just texted him before i read your post, and i apologised! i just put myself in his position for a minute, and i would hate to have water being poured on me so i said sorry. and he texted back and said he is sorry for the way he has been speaking to me and will be mindful of it. i am glad he is taking this responsibility too, but in my mind i am thinking - 'whats new'. he always says he is sorry and wll change. but even though i apologised i will make it clear that he is provoking me and making me very unhappy and i can't put up with it.

i agree with just because im a christian doesn't mean i have to accept everything and i know this would be a bad example for my child if she saw me letting myself be spoke to disrespectfully - but can i ask, HOW do i not accept it? what do i say / do? usually i react by either closing my bedroom door and saying i want some space, giving him the cold shoulder, going out, or telling him to go out. all of these things don't work. i don't know how not to accept it

sometimes i think it could be fixed and then at other times i wonder and get scared if he will never change...
if i had a magic wand i would create stability - we would speak to each other normally, nicely, he would accept that he is not right all the time and that my opinion counts too and wouldn't be so argumentative and intense about everything, and there would be less conflict, meaning a happier life for all of us

YANBU. He is bullying and calculating. His manner of speaking to you is disrespectful and humiliating - his actions in inviting friends round and having no consideration for the fact that you are tired and have a small baby are thoughtless and selfish. His behaviour is ongoing, you acted on the spur of the moment. Don't give it to a second thought and don't apologise. He deserves no respect and no moral high ground. He is controlling you - no man who loves and respects his partner would speak to her like that. Get serious counselling or get out of there.

i wouldn't have minded him bringing his friends in if he had of let me know. but he said he didn't want to tell me as he knew i would be annoyed about it cos i was tired. i might have been annoyed but not as annoyed as i was because of not being told. i just feel marriage is sooo hard! how do people do it? with 2 different personalities, two different routines, HOW do people live in harmony?

i got the book casse off amazon for £1.99 :)

Having been on the receiving end of having water/ pop/ juice etc., thrown on me by my H, I have to tell you it is the most degrading feeling in the world and a completely disrespectful and reproachable action.

Stick to words next time. Anything else in inexcusable. I don't mean to be harsh, as it seems you already regret doing it, but it really is one of those things I have a bee in my bonnet about.

It does sound like he's a bit of a cunt though and he needs to learn to respect you a lot more than he is at the moment.

Now that you have apologised for the incident, never apologise again, if he throws it in your face remind him of all the things he has done

You say that you don't know how to stop him treating you like this but you have to ask yourself, would he put up with you speaking to him like he does to you? If the answer is no then why do you have to put up with it?

The first step to stopping him is to tell him you will no longer tolerate it, but you have to mean it. If he thinks you will always put up with whatever he does then why would he change? You need to know that you don't have to be treated like this, you do deserve more and so does your dc

And tell people, tell friends and family.if he really thinks his behaviour is ok then why would he mind you telling people? If he would be embarrassed by this then he knows he's being awful and doing it anyway so why consider his feelings?

I do agree that the first thing is you need to believe what you are going to say to him. To really believe it deep down and be sure that you will go to whatever extend is needed to protect yourself from his bullying.
If you (and he) knows that at some point you will give up, then it's not going to work.

How important is your religion to him? How would he react to members of the community knowing about it, how about a priest?

How is the counselling going? What did the counsellor said and is your H taking any notice of it?
Is counselling done within the church or outside?

thats an excellent idea casse im glad it worked for you, its something we could do together down the line.
dreamless im sorry you were on the recieving line of this behaviour and thank you for sharing how it felt, ill know to think before i act in future.
may and peppa thanks for your advice...i will have to be strong about it and i will just walk away each time and say i will not tolerate it.

he would be very angry if i told my family or friends and i think it would have devastating consequences on our relationship. i think its better to keep it in the counseling room. its hard though, cos my mum knows we are having marriage problems, but sometimes when we are out all she will see is me giving him the cold shoulder and will not know what has just happend before that. and will say stuff like 'and you be NICE' to me in my ear. and its so patronising.
the counselling is quite hard as it seems every argument is brought up and discussed in great lengths and focuses so much on negatives, not so much the positives. like she never asks us what the good points we see in each other are etc etc etc. but its been useful in indentifying issues in our relationship and helping us compromise on different things.
i already asked him could we get someone to help us from the church and he said no he didn't want that. i suppose it has to be mutual. im just so weary of it all.

Sorry you're going through this - it is awful to be put down like that and chipped away at. The water thing was wrong but hey - you know that - and really just am glad it didnt result in him snapping and hitting you which it could have done really as he does sound bad-tempered which is worrying.
Would that have crossed the line for you I wonder or would you possibly have just blamed yourself for provoking him ?

The thing that got to me was when you said he mimicked your voice - my
DH and I had a barney a few weeks ago - I posted about it on here - and one of the things he did was a very cruel mocking mimic of my voice and smile all the way home from a night out. It truly was horrible and incredibly hurtful. Happily though very very out of character for my DH and he apologised profusely next day and explained (but not excused) his terrible mood and we are fine again now. But that sort of behaviour is very destructive on a regular basis. No advice really am afraid just hope it all works out and things change and if not you find the strength and self esteem to get out of there.

All the best.

help you say that in counselling helps in making compromises. Can I ask who is maing compromises? You, him, both of you?

I might be wrong but the fact he doesn't people to know about your problems tell me that he knows he is in the wrong, which is a good thing. If this idea makes him uncomfortable enough, then he is more likely to change.

I know what you mean about your mum's comment. Mine is quite good at that too. It is awful because at some point that was her comments that were stopping me from standing up to my DH and make clear I would tolerate certain behaviours.
You will need to be very clear within yourself of what you find acceptable and what isn't. In the light of what you can accept and cope with and in the light of your own beliefs. Individual counselling might be of some help there (also to raise your self confidence).

Re what to say, I have found a very simple comment like 'This was not necessary' in a very calm voice quite efficient as long as it was said at the start of the 'argument' (ie before everything is getting heat up).
And refusing to engage with him. the problem is that at the moment, you are trying to disengage but he still has your attention when he is forcing his way through the door etc... I would just say 'We will talk later about it' and then not say a word (or move if yu don't feel too threaten).

I would also try and stir the counselling session about how you feel during these arguments rather the individual issues. You need tools to be able to deal with all eventualities not just sorting one small issue.

sudaname i am sorry you went through that mimicking thing too - its awful isn't it! i told dh afterwards it reminded me about being bullied in school as that is what they did! and its true. even this didn't seem to affect him - its like water off a ducks back when i try to tell him how it makes me feel. but you are right its so hurtful i still cringe when i think about how he did that. he did get quite angry after the water thing and tried to throw the rest of it back at me unsuccessfully. i think i might have blamed myself for provoking him because i don't think he would ever hit me. i just wish all this was sorted out. thanks for all the support

I would have glassed the bastard

Peppa we are both making compromises and have both worked had to help our marriage. i think individual counselling would be of great benefit but i wonder about how to get the time for this. we were finding the marriage counselling too much every week (it was causing arguments and there wasn't enough time for us to process it all from one week to the next) so we were thinking of going fortnightly, so perhaps i could get individual counselling the in between week as he only has that one day off and could mind dd.

yes i try to say i don't want to talk any more about it now and he continues and continues and this is frequently brought up in counselling as one of the main issues, to the point where ive been driven out of the house. i think the key is for me not to react, to remain quiet and wait till he has calmed down before reacting - this can be hard.

you make a very good point about sorting out how i feel in general during arguments and conflicts rather than individual ones - i think you have hit the nail on the head about where counselling is going wrong. but i don't want to offend her by telling her this. but she will ask for examples, then she will spend nearly the whole session on that example and go into so much detail to figure out what we could have changed and where we went wrong. we both agree its not great. hopefully i can try to generalise things a bit.

You're welcome Helpam. Yes it is very nasty and it is something we should all leave behind in the playground really- you're right it's similiar to that.

I dont think you should worry about protecting someone who treats you like this tbh either just because they have said you mustnt tell anyone. It is all part of the controlling character to isolate their victim and make them feel they cant cry for help. It's a bit like an abuser telling a child 'it's our secret' isnt it really ? Maybe you could let him know in a counselling session that you are on the verge of reaching out if it carries on as you feel you need support and if he doesnt want you to he needs to stop this behaviour really doesnt he ?

Well you shouldn't offend your counsellor by telling her what you would find helpful and what isn't.
If you follow her lead and work on each of these issues, she will think that's what you need. She needs to know if it isn't the case.

He doesn't sound like much of a Christian frankly

And yes, I am casting the first stone...

off to marriage counselling this morning...bit nervous as i know i will be explaining the water incident and i will not look good. also nervous as im sure a can of worms will be opened and as im not coping well as it is, im worried it will set me back even further. but if its to be progress in the long run i guess i have to face going through a hard time now.