Why do I feel heartless

[nitrox]

Been with my BF for 3yrs now, he is a good person and we get on well.

I feel like I lead the relationship a lot, as I seem to have more experience or be less scared of trying new things than he is. He's very loving and affectionate and I'm just not.

I struggle to 'have a laugh' with him, and he's had a recent health scare which is possible a very common issue, easily solved and I have just been so cold about it. I've tried to reassure him, but I'm a very practicle person and I've had a lot of health issues in the past that I've just got on with, so I do feel like he is being a total drama queen. I still feel like a total cow though and have tried really hard to feign compassion.. :( He agree's that he's gone over the top with being upset about it, but can't help it.

Why isn't it coming naturally to me though? My parents were good parents, but not the kind that would be all over me, and would offer practical advice, and not get all upset and over emotional about things.

I just feel like he cares alot about me, and if I have a slight issue he will fuss all over me (which I don't like) and if the same is for him I just tend to offer advice, and do practical things such as make him comfortable and keep things as easy as I can for him.

I'm not making much sense am i

Anyhow, sorry if I drip feed further info, just didn't want to waffle on forever.

Basically, how do I show that I care more? and how do I know whether I do care? because at the moment I feel a bit 'meh' about everything.

is it possible you are just not that into him ?

You have different approaches, that's all. He's a bit more needy, looking for emotional support and hand-holding from a partner, and offering the same in times of crisis. You're more practical-thinking, annoyed by overblown 'mush' and don't need someone to be all over you to feel loved... so that's how you respond. It's either something that'll drive you crackers or it's a difference you can live with. If you want to carry on the relationship you could compromise... you be a bit more touch-feely and him a bit less. Talk about it. Good luck

I'm worried that that's the reason AF yeh.

If I'm honest, I want to be with him, we are saving for a house, planning children in the future (a long way off yet) and a we do get on.

I don't know if it's me that has the problem, or him.

I just find him quite an attention seeker, especially when he gets stressed and it makes me see him in a very unattractive light.

I fell 'out of love' with my Ex and I feel like the same thing is happening, but I don't want it to! He's a great guy in a lot of ways and I don't think it would do me any favours to give up on things.

Thanks Cogito, you summed it up perfectly.

I just feel bad for seeing him so upset and me not really thinking it's a big deal, I feel like I am heartless for not caring for him as much as he does for me.

well, you want to make it work but you can't force it either

just because he's basically a nice guy, it doesn't mean you are suited forever

there are plenty of "nice guys" out there, that perhaps wouldn't make your heart sink at the prospect of spending the rest of your life with them

Maybe you and BF just have different personalities (shock)!

He seems to want to be fussed over, whereas you don't feel the urge to fuss. IMO that turns into a problem down the road because the needy one gets needier and the more detached person starts to get pissed off with the neediness. Then you (or rather me, I've done this) start to feel more tolerance/contempt for your partner than affection and that is definitely a bad road to go down.

AnyFucker's summary in other words...

Sorry, you probably don't want to hear this but you and your BF may not be that well suited to each other emotionally. Doesn't mean either of you is 'wrong' per se, just that you're different to each other.

Hope that helps...

You probably care as much as he does, you just express it differently. I'm also a practical sort. Have learned down the years that sometimes people just want to whine and hear 'there there'... they don't want solutions and get quite upset if you try to get them to stop bleating and do something about it ffs!!! If you don't find it attractive in your partner after only three years (and I certainly wouldn't) the risk is that it's going to be the reason you bury him under the patio a few years down the track unless something changes.

I've had similar issues with DH - I grew up in a very stiff upper lip sort of household, and then I witnessed my mother suffer from and then die from cancer while quite young. So when DH witters on about his sore back or his rhinitis or whatever I just want to say "FFS - man up, you have no idea and no backbone".

But I don't - I act concern well, and over the years the concern has come more naturally and now I don't have to act so much. And that could well be what happens to you - you soften a bit and get a bit more perspective. You realise that whatever's bothering your OH is a big deal to them, and you need to act accordingly.

So it might come good - but I think AF might have it right; you don't have a laugh with him, it all seems like a huge effort. Is it worth it?

Then you (or rather me, I've done this) start to feel more tolerance/contempt for your partner than affection and that is definitely a bad road to go down.

This is how I feel.

I do feel like I tollerate him a lot.

Sometimes I enjoy the affection, but 90% of the time, kisses/cuddles etc are too much and I get annoyed.

For example every time I'm cooking he'll be in the kitchen wanting a hug and a kiss, but I'm cooking, and I want to be getting on with that. I don't feel I enjoy the hug and it annoys me as I'm busy doing other things.

I feel like I should enjoy it if I were in love with him, but I don't.. I also think, he's extremely needy and it's pushing me away, crowding me. I like my space, I like time to myself and to not be sat cuddled up each night.

Cogito - Yes, he likes bleating, and I prefer solving the problem. I find myself saying 'Just let them get on with it then', about his many issues at work. He seems to flit from issues with one person to another at work. Sometimes I do feel that he is the problem, but I don't say that to him. Also, he's been like this since day 1, so I think I've just got used to it.

Hassled - yes, 'FFS man up' springs to my mind a lot. I do need to soften up a little though and I think it's that we are just both opposites in that way.

Hassled - sorry to hear about your mum too. I luckily haven't ever gone through anything such as that xx

BF has had people close to him die of cancer, and never had a father figure, so I guess I compensate for that a lot.

To his credit, he does try to make adjustments. He is a lot 'better' than when I first met him. He was very insecure, still lived at home (was 32yrs old) and very untrustworthy of people.

He's much more proactive now, confident etc.. I just feel like he's taken a lot from me and given nothing back to the relationship.

I feel resentful a bit.

Hmm. It doesn't sound good.

You're losing respect for him, you know that? - 'bleating' - 'attention seeker' - 'man up' ...

That's not a criticism btw, but an observation. You don't sound suited. Just because he's nice, doesn't mean he's the one for you...

Yes, doctorwt, I do think I lack respect for him. Mainly because he doesn't do anything to warrant a huge amount fo respect (sorry if I sound a total bitch). I feel he takes a lot from me, and all he gives back is this unwanted affection and over smothering every day.

My ex was the opposite, more like me, I feel like the roles have been reversed and I'm with someone at the other end of the scale now..

We met via a hobby of ours, and continued that hobby together.. but now I don't want to do it anymore as it feels stiffled and not fun like it used to be with friends.

I know I paint a very awful picture, but we do have a lot of life goals in common, I do love him a lot, and I think some of the issues we have are down to me and how I see things. I have no doubt that a lot of women would think he was just perfect!

He is tidy, considerate, never leaves clothes laying around, washes up, uses the washing machine, asks how I am about 10 times a day , offers me drinks, isn't too stingy with the remote control and generally is an excellent BF, and would make a good father if we had children.

But I have these niggling doubts all the time... :(

this doesn't sound good as a long term prospect, sorry

he sounds like a great housemate

long term sexual partner ? the jury is out...

Good lord do not have children with this man.

If he irritates you now, then you have no hope once there is a baby in the mix.

Do you think it would be a good idea to have a chat about these issues and then give him time to try and make changes?

I've left a long term relationship before, I'm not scared of being on my own, but I don't want to throw away a relationship that can be worked on. He isn't Mr Perfect, but also isn't completeley miss-matched to me.

I guess I don't want to spend my life jumping ship and regretting it later.

There is no-one else involved either.. I've had crushes in my past relationship that has made me think like this, but not this time.

I did consider that my contraceptive pill could be making me feel like this, as I generally feel a bit demotivated about everything, other than working...

I'm also overweight, which might affect my self esteem about moving onto someone more suitable.. although my BF is not judgemental about me losing weight, but seems insecure if I do lose weight. That aside, I'm a very confident person, just the low self esteem.

Thanks for all the advice.. I guess only I can make that final call. I'll most likely carry on and see if things improve, but it's not great, and we do have big rows every month or so (usually he starts them).. and I can't keep having them, told him that he destroys my love for him when they happen as I stick to the facts and he drags every little hurtful thing into them.

He sounds very, very hard work

Throw a couple of babies into the mix ? A recipe for disaster. Also I see little alarm bells ringing about men who feel they have to the centre of your universe all the time. Read the Relationships board about what often happens when a new mum's attention is very understandably focussed on a baby for a while.

AF - I have read so many threads about that, and it does make me worry that he would get jealous. But then, he seems to like the thought of kids, although not yet, but talks about taking them to the football with him and being able to enjoy things with them, so I'm not sure if he would turn out like that or not.

In the early days I felt that he was trying to be quite controlling and seemed jealous of any male friends. Nowdays he seems far more relaxed and more in awe of my ability to stay calm and focus , but sometimes I want someone to be my calming influence, not just one way. I meet an old workmate most weeks for lunch (male), and he seems fine with this and doesn't make any jealous noises like he used to.

I do worry that he is supressing his true feelings and in the future once we have had kids he won't feel the need to hide it as he will 'own me' so to speak. I'm very much independant, and although he admires that, I know he would love me to be dependant on him and takes great joy when I need to ask for his help. That worries me.

You seem to have your head screwed on, love

We can't tell you what you should do. Personally, all these "worries" at this stage of your relationship when there is only you two rings alarm bells.

And as "sorted" as you are now, never underestimate how having babies takes up all of your emotional energy and more. If he takes more of that than he gives, it will be a problem in the future.

Well I'm late 20's and don't want kids for 5 yrs, so I'm hoping that by that time I'll have him sussed out lol, well before then hopefully.

I hate that nagging feeling that I'm not with the right person, but it could be down to me being stressed, him being stressed etc.. so I'll play it by ear and keep making a mental note of all the horror stories I read on here! and everyone's advice.

I think sometimes I need to be less hard-faced too, not that I think this is my fault, he's just a little sod most of the time, but things need to change.

Good luck x

I hope you realise that just because somebody else could probably get along with him just fine, it does NOT follow that there's something wrong with you because you don't? He sounds like a reasonable enough fellow who could make someone happy if they don't expect much but not really your soulmate. Perhaps you should set him free to find a nice fluffy woman who just loves fussing around a hypochondriac sensitive soul, and being groped while she cooks. (Disclaimer: I am not that woman.)

Neither am I.

haha - a very good interpretation of him Annie

I'm not someone who gladly puts up with shit or unhappiness, I guess I've just had a lot going on and it's only recently that I've been really thinking about it all.. we had a big argument the other week when I was very stressed about a job interview and he was being quite dismissive of my stress due to his own minor/undiagnosed health issue. Now, in my world, we would support eachother.. in his world, he didn't have enough strength to help my stress because of his own , we are not talking cancer here, but you would have thought so by his reaction!

So, big argument because I basically was not impressed with him being so bloody silly and being totally unsupportive of me. This means he then tells me what a bitch I am, (I also swore at him, seems to be getting more common), and I do recognise that I am not Mrs Sensitive, but he was hysterical and I almost wanted to laugh at how incredible odd he was being, like a 2yr old having a tantrum.

Anyhow, I think he is a little embarrased by how he acted, and I'm a bit unsure of whether I reacted correctly or not. Anyhow, the long and short of it is, I seem to get it in the neck when he is stressed. Booking a holiday and he will cause a row about something else, just so he can vent his insecurities about the holiday.. nowdays I just tell him to stop going on about shit and tell me what the real issue is.

Anyhow, this is all probably classed as drip-feeding, but I guess the more I think of it the more I remember about how strange he behaves sometimes..