Why do I feel heartless

[nitrox]

Been with my BF for 3yrs now, he is a good person and we get on well.

I feel like I lead the relationship a lot, as I seem to have more experience or be less scared of trying new things than he is. He's very loving and affectionate and I'm just not.

I struggle to 'have a laugh' with him, and he's had a recent health scare which is possible a very common issue, easily solved and I have just been so cold about it. I've tried to reassure him, but I'm a very practicle person and I've had a lot of health issues in the past that I've just got on with, so I do feel like he is being a total drama queen. I still feel like a total cow though and have tried really hard to feign compassion.. :( He agree's that he's gone over the top with being upset about it, but can't help it.

Why isn't it coming naturally to me though? My parents were good parents, but not the kind that would be all over me, and would offer practical advice, and not get all upset and over emotional about things.

I just feel like he cares alot about me, and if I have a slight issue he will fuss all over me (which I don't like) and if the same is for him I just tend to offer advice, and do practical things such as make him comfortable and keep things as easy as I can for him.

I'm not making much sense am i

Anyhow, sorry if I drip feed further info, just didn't want to waffle on forever.

Basically, how do I show that I care more? and how do I know whether I do care? because at the moment I feel a bit 'meh' about everything.

Do you think it would be a good idea to have a chat about these issues and then give him time to try and make changes?

This is the bit that jumped out for me. To play devil's advocate, why should he be the one to make changes? There is no objective right or wrong to your different personalities, but it sounds like you do regard him as needing to change in order for the relationship to work. If he doesn't, you'll be disappointed.

This sounds to me like more than the usual roses going over after the honeymoon, sorry.

Sounds like he as the emotional maturity of a 6 yo

He won't change though, you can't change your basic personality. I agree with fluffy. He is either the one for you, or he isn't....not fair to force him to be something he will never be

If somebody said I had to change my whole outlook, I would say "hit the road"

and you do have a choice

It's not supposed to be this hard so early on.

It sounds like you are trying to force yourself to love him. That never works.

nitrox - I was once engaged to someone very like you describe your BF to be.

I broke off the wedding plans and can safely say that was one of the best decisions I ever made. In retrospect, and looking at the (totally different personality-wise) DH I have now, there is no way I would have been happy with ex-DP.

I'm not saying leave him immediately, but maybe reconsider your long-term relationship prospects. And please don't have kids with anyone who irritates you this much!!

I also had a boyfriend like this- and ended up one day screaming 'JUST FUCKING GET OFF ME!!!!'. Not my finest moment .

The danger is you'll end up mothering him- AND any children that may come along. And he''l be the one tripping over his lower lip about not getting enough attention....

Okay - reading this "I fell 'out of love' with my Ex and I feel like the same thing is happening, but I don't want it to " and then this "I do think I lack respect for him. Mainly because he doesn't do anything to warrant a huge amount fo respect (sorry if I sound a total bitch). I feel he takes a lot from me, and all he gives back is this unwanted affection and over smothering" makes me wonder whether you are self-sabotaging. If you recognise the pattern of behaviour in the relationship, chances are it's you that's causing this situation to recur - perhaps you're selecting men who have traits that you subsconsciously recognise will play out something unresolved or will keep them from getting too close to you (in that you won't let them get close). You feel he doesn't deserve respect, perhaps because he gives you so much affection, and deep down you think he's an idiot for feeling that way about you as you believe you're not worthy of it - i.e. it is a self-esteem issue. The fact he cares about you when you believe you're not worth it therefore becomes further proof of how stupid he is, and you feel irritated at being stuck with someone so stupid... When actually you're angry with yourself, on some level, for whatever reason, but it's easier to project that and get angry with someone else.

I'm not saying you should stay with this guy or leave him, but that perhaps you have issues that you should work on whatever decision you come to on this.