Partner with OCD - anyone else?

[cherwell]

A couple of years into a relationship with an OCD sufferer. Anyone else have experience of this?

Thanks vm

Yep. My DH has OCD (arranging and cleaning related). He was on cipralex for a few years which helped enormously. Now has come off the meds and is rapidly becoming unbearable to live with again. We can't afford for him to go back on them again though because I've been made redundant (not living in UK / insurance doesn't cover MH meds).

What's your story?

Thanks for your reply.

Partner has long standing ocd, handwashing, obsessional worries and delusional thoughts. Constantly in need of reassurance. Has comlpetely lost libido which
doesn't help. Very trying and isolating at times.

Good to know am not the only one.

Been through that too - the anxiety was crippling for him. A few years ago he was obsessively paranoid I would cheat on him / he wasn't good enough for me with intrusive thoughts of me having sex with other people.

Then he got over that and became obsessively worried about money and our finances. I eventually made him go to the doctor / psychiatrist and get meds because he was too stressed and worried to want to have sex. The rest I could manage but that's when I put my foot down. Of course cipralex dulls the sex drive too but it was still better than when he was unmedicated and he didn't suffer as severely as he could have done with the side effects.

The pills made him more relaxed, much less stressed but lacking in motivation / ambition and always tired. Adding wellbutrin (zyban) to the mix sometimes helps that but didn't in his case.

Now he is off the pills he is constantly angry / irritable and to be honest a total PITA. Sex is better though, more passionate, although he has a hair trigger after years of being rather de-sensitised by the medication. But what can you do? Better than nothing I guess.

He is hard work.

Yes I have posted on here before. My DHs OCD takes the form of obsessive thoughts/worries as well. Although there are definitly elements of cleaning and order to. It was undiagnosed for over 15 years and went almost completely out of control after the birth of our first child and when we moved country/ job.
He almost had a breakdown. Things improved after diagnosis although very slowly and only with a lot of work. He never went on meds (he refused) but did get extensive counselling.
We read up a lot about the condition and tbh it is very hard work for the partner. The best treatment is CBT (cognitive based therapy) and more specifically ERT(exposure and Response prevention). This basically means that sufferers need to expose themselves to feared situations and NOT do any rituals to reduce anxiety. This requires a lot of participation from the other people in their lives as one of their rituals is often to seek reassurance. You must not do this. It will cause conflict but providing reassurance just makes it worse. I can recommend a book called Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Both you and he should read it.
Sorry if you know all this already don't want to appear lecturey. We are 4 years on from diagnosis and things are a lot better, some periods worse than others. He still trys to avoid situations that induce anxiety (still has not learnt to drive) and trys to trick me into reassuring him but I am very aware of it and usually can stop myself. I also try not to let him avoid things although in can be tough. He has recently gone away on an overnight business trip which is the first where he has managed to be away from us and not spend hours on rituals.

ionysis has your DH ever had CBT or similiar? I know the angry/irritable thing. My DH is very like that when the OCD is bad and he is trying to resist the urge to do rituals. It seems foolish for him to one off the meds without at least lining up some counselling.

He did have some therapy but that was just "talk about your abusive childhood / negative thoughts / poor self-esteem". What he NEEDED was CBT but the mental health care where we live (Middle East) is very poor with few practitioners and very expensive (not covered under our health insurance). Sitting and rehashing the old stories about his violent stepfather didn't really make an iota of difference in how he manages his issues back in the present.

Agree re the meds, but there were side effects which were in their own way as debilitating as his symptoms - low libido, lack of energy / enthusiasm for anything, no motivation, tired all the time. But he is like that OFF the pills too because of the anxiety (but throw in irrational anger and constant moodiness too).

Yes you are right. Really the reason behind the development of OCD is not the key factor. The treatment will be the same regardless. ERT is really the only show in town regarding getting anywhere near a cure.
You are right about how expensive counselling is. We are in Ireland so system is different. We had to go privately and although insurance covered some costs it was only the ones incurred when he was actually admitted to a psychiatric hospital as a day patient. All the individual counselling sessions we had to pay for. We claimed some back on tax and insurance but the bulk we had to come up with. It was tough but tbh our lives are improved so much it was worth every penny. I appreciate though that coming up with the cash is not possible for everyone.
I would really recommend that book as it is like a DIY manual for dealing with OCD. You should read it too though as it is important that you are aware of how OCD works so you can avoid enabling him. He almost certainly won't tell you the stuff it says about reassurance or avoidance because he won want you to stop. Stopping reassuring my H is still the hardest thing. some days he literally begs me to, but I can't.

I'm always pandering to him these days - tidying things up, trying to pre-empt what will set him off, shushing the children, repeatedly assuring him I love him, will never leave him, tiptoeing around him etc. It's exhausting. The walking on eggshells is so wearing in itself. He had made such good progress when he was on his meds and now seems to be backsliding considerably. I emailed my old psych to see if he can go along there as we need to address it before I get to the point where I tell him to bugger off and sort himself out elsewhere.

The fact that I have ADHD makes it worse because being organised and tidy isn't the easiest thing in the world for me!

I know the feeling. But you aren't helping by doing it. The more you tidy the worse it get. Everything being ordered reduces his anxiety but only temporarily and then it starts increasing again so even more ordering/other things need to happen to reduce it again.
It's a vicious cycle. The more you do the more you'll have to do and at the end he will still be anxious. Stop reassuring him. Tell him why. Get him the book. If he is not prepared to take his meds then he needs to confront this face on and start confronting his anxietys.
I got to the point with DH that I told him if things didnt change I would leave. I would have. You can't live like that it's a horrible existence.

I know you're right. I guess I'm falling for the quick fix / trying for an easy life in the short term. You're right it makes no difference though. Even if I've makde the beds, sweot the floor, cleaned the kitchen, picked up the dog's mess from the garden and arranged the photo frames to perfection he will be anxious / angry because I forgot to empty the bin / put the washing on / bring down the baby's bottles. He was never this way when on his meds - he recognised the issues were his and took full responsibility for his own feelings.

I have done a lot of reading round the subject (mental health and the way the brain works has become one of my interests since my own diagnosis in my late 20s). The books we have bought and read together are Loving Someone with OCD and Freedom From Obessive Compulsive Disorder.

A couple of years ago I also bought Stop Walking on Eggshells because I have always wondered if his underlying problem is actually borderline personality disorder (he fully fits every one of the dignostic criteria) with the OCD just being a co-morbid issue. Its something I've asked him to discuss with the psychiatrist when he next visits.

I don't know anything about BPD I am afraid. It's possible then that you are dealing with a lot more than OCD.
Have you tried the ERT method? Stopping doing things to reduce DHs anxiety has been very helpful. It's not easy though. Although intrusive thoughts are his main area he also needs order and gets very stressed about mess. He is getting better and for example is reducing the amount he washes his hands. But our house is very tidy. I like it that way but I often wonder is that just a habit formed over years with living with him or would I have been like that anyway? By the time he was diagnosed I was so used to being tidy I couldn't stop.
Has your DH stopped acknowledging that it is OCD causing these feelings or is he putting the blame bck on you?

He knows it is him and his issues which are the problem but when he is in the mire he will say things like he is the "only one who does anything round here" "can't live in this mess" which makes it feel like my fault (even though I work full time, we have 2 kids under 2 and he is the stay at home parent so clearly takes on the lions share of the housework responsibility). I too like the house to be tidy but our life circumstances with 2 babies, a dog and cat in a small house conspire against that.

To get "relief" he will withdraw to reorganise his tool box so all the little screws and nuts and bolts are in their proper compartments. Or will rearrange the spare room pulling out all the cupboards and stacking things the "right" way. Or getting the spirit level out and making sure all the pictures are hanging exactly straight. Or will make sure all the tins are label forward in the cupboard (yes - very Sleeping With the Enemy).

He does stop himself doing things and he does live with the mess, but the anxiety is palpable - I can see it in his face - very distressing.

Has your husband found the anxiety lessens the less he gives into his impulses? Or is it just a case of him learning to live with feeling anxious the whole time?

No his anxiety lessens. It's a long road though. If he doesn't do the ritual in the short term his anxiety increases of course because he is not taking measures to reduce it. Then it will subside as the expected 'bad thing' doesn't happen. Slowly he is reprogramming himself to understand that he cannot control things happening through his rituals. He is less anxious than he used to be. OCD is a devious disorder though and will often mutate into another set of anxieties. The key though is to avoid the rituals.

Hi

Can I join? I started a thread on MH a couple of weeks ago for support for those of us with partners with ocd but no one wanted to join me .

My DH has ocd - centres around over protectiveness of belongings. He was on medication and had CBT which helped enormously to the point where he was able to function relatively normally and his cbt ended. He then came off medication about 12 months ago due to the side effects, and has declined since then. He has now been re-referred for CBT and has just had his assessment meeting.

I try and support him as much as i can whilst not reasssuring him - the cbt counsellor told me it was the worst thing we could do.

There are very difficult periods, many times i consider leaving him (we have been together 14 years, married for 4 and have one DD together - 8 months), but i do love him, i just dont love the ocd. Living with an ocd sufferer is extremely wearing with the constant "walking on eggshells" and knowing that the slightest things can set him off. i do worry about our DD when she grows iup as i don't want her to be affected by this.

Our sex life is practically non-existent (apart from when we were ttc and then is was a struggle) due to the medication, ocd and his blood pressure medication.

if it wasn't for the ocd we would have a wonderful marriage, so i really do want to fight for it.

It also makes it harder because the only people who know are his parents - and i can't really moan to them about his son (his mother wouldn't be able to stand it!!), so it would be great to be able to come on here when things are difficult.

also, my DH tries to blame a lot on me - he says that i am the one who is messy (which i am a little bit) and that no one else has a house so untidy - which it really isnt. i have to keep reminding him that he is the one with the ocd.

Autumnchild thanks for your message and ionysis and BlueFergie.

Autumnchild feel free to moan any time. What you have written about is
all too familiar. Don't take any blame on yourself.

My partner had cbt three years ago which helped him a lot and is on medication.However he stopped taking meds last year in the hope it would restore his libido; this didnt work and he effectively had a breakdown. Has been back on meds and CBT since the autumn and is much better than previously but still not anywhere near "normal". Many rituals persist and some
that he manages to get rid of are replaced by others. Any kind of sexual or
pre sexual contact gives him panic attack.

Like you, I hang on to the fact that apart from the OCD he is a great person. Whether the relationship will last or not remains to be seen. Sometimes I feel that it is just a black hole into which I am pouring emotion, love, effort, time etc to no avail!

Hi, can I join in? My DH has contamination OCD he was diagnosed about 4 years though I think he has had it much longer than that. He got much worse when we had our daughter (who is now 4) and I pretty much made him go to our gp under the threat that I would leave if he didn't get some help and sort himself out. At the time I didn't know what was the matter with him, just knew something wasn't right as he was spending hours in the shower and washing his clothes over and over again.

DH now spends between 4-6 hours in the shower every night after work, washes his hands over and over until they bleed and lines everything in the bathroom with loo roll which he then chucks down the toilet and blocks it until I get the plunger out. Its so frustrating, I love him but the OCD gets in the way of everything and is really driving a wedge. Etween us, I have no idea whether we will still be together this time next year as I don't think I can live like this for the rest of my life and I worry that his obsessions are going to rub off onto our daughter.

DH is currently having therapy but it really hasnt made a huge amount of difference, he's constantly distant, moody, irritable and often looses his temper over the slightest thing BUT he loves me and our daughter and is funny and loving when the OCD is kept at bay. I think of it like some evil gremlin hanging on his back and I try my best to separate the OCD side of his personality from him but like everyone else has said he is very hard work and I sometimes look at other peoples relationships with envy, oh how I would love things to be normal.

It's great to be able to talk about this, we should keep this going, being with someone with OCD is so isolating as no one else understands.

xxx

The moodiness is a really common trait isn't it? My DH can be really grumpy and narky when his OCD is at him. You are right jellyjem it is exactly like a gremlin. I went to a talk once on living with OCD and they described it as a bully, which will keep trying to wear the sufferer down.
We have found with the application of the ERT that the amount of time DH spends preoccupied with the OCD has decreased. So before he could have spent 6 or more hours a day dealing with the intrusive thoughts and the ritualised thought processes and prayers etc he had to deal with them, losing entire work days, and that was in addition to all the tidiness etc.
He still gets the intrusive thoughts and of course they are distressing, but he doesn't fight them now with the rituals or at least he trys not to. He is still constantly pestered by OCD and finds it impossible to relax but it has fallen back to manageable levels again because he isn't preoccupied with the compulsive rituals.
I have to say though it requires a huge amount of standing up to him from me to stop him slipping back into some bad habits. Particularly on the reassurance front but also helping him avoid distressing situations like travel. He can get quite annoyed with me if I insist he does it.
jellyjem have you gone to counselling with your h. Because it may not be working well for him because he is not applying it. Sometimes the idea of confronting their fears is so terrifying they won't do it. My DH was fobbing me off for ages on what steps he should be taking and what I should be doing until I read up about it myself and attended some sessions with him.

Hi I have read up about OCD myself but have not been able to go to any of the sessions as they start at 9am every other Monday and I have to take our daughter to school at that time. However the next 4 sessions are scheduled to take place at home so I am going to try to get some time off work so I can be around.

I don't think DH is sticking to the plan as he told me he had agreed with his therapist that he would step out of the shower after 3 hours whether it "felt right" or not and he doesn't do it. If I go ustairs and try and get him to come out when he goes over 3 hours he just agrees with me to keep the peace and carries on. He can get very loud and occasionally hits the walls in the shower because he gets frustrated with himself and that makes me angry because I don't want him to scare our daughter (her bedroom is next door to the bathroom).

I wonder what he is telling his therapist sometimes as OCD asside i know he often says what I would like to hear to avoid a row and then carries on regardless. I just hope he is being honest in his sessions. He is very stubborn.

I definately think we should keep this thread going - just reading other posts makes me realise that my dh's traits are all too common.

What are others experience on the ocd affecting your dc? Like jelly, i'm really concerned that it will affect my DD - she will damage things in the house and i don't want a reaction from my Dh every time she does. i know whenever i even accidentally bang something my DH examines it for about half an hour to see if he can see any damage. I can also feel him watching me every time i move, just incase i do something. It really is so wearing and i don't want my dd to feel like she can't move in the house.

Who else knows about your other halves ocd and how do they react?

As i said in my original post, only my dh's parents know. they attended a cbt meeting with us (the only one i have been to), but I know that certainly his mother, reassures him rather than standing up to it. She will do anything to keep the peace with anyone and she still treats my dh as "her little baby" (as she does dh's brother, they are both nearly 40) and will do anything for them.

My MIL treats my DH like he is still a child too, she even still buys his underwear and socks I let her get on with it as at least it saves us a few pounds.

Y MIL has narcissistic and OCD traits, my FIL passed away last year but he used to let my MIL have free reign with her odd behaviour and Im sure all of this has a lot to do with my dh's OCD so i worry my daughter may start showing obessive behaviour traits when she gets older. Its my biggest fear, i just hope she will see what is normal from me.

Jelly - your MIL sounds a lot like mine. at her buying his underwear!

I do admit (only on here) that in a way i blame her for DH's ocd - completely irrational I know, but just because of the way she panders to him and she is so highly strung.

DH's reliance on mil is another issue in our relaitonship - i have to tell him many times that he shouldn't keep asking his mum to do things i should be doing (for example he will get her to do things in our house, when i'm out - such as moving furniture etc because he knows that she will reassure pander to his ocd).

It makes it worse in someways becasue DH works for the family business so sees pil's everyday.

I have heard that ocd can be inherited and i shall be watching dd closely to see if she shows any traits.

Jelly - does your DH deal with his work ok? and what about social life?

Because my DHs main issues are related to thoughts and thought rituals it does not impact the kids as much. We have 3 (5,3 and 6 months). When he is struggling he tends to be quiet and monosyllabic. I notice because I am tuned into him but they don't really. He can get cross and irritable though I insist he apologises to them if he overreacts to some minor irritation.
DHs fears are most often related to something terrible happening to me or the kids so he is very careful with them, he used to spend half an hour or more leaning over the cot every night checking their breathing.
He used to react badly to spills and breakages but that is also getting better. I have to say he is great with the kids. He makes big efforts with them. I suspect that is also linked into his OCD and his fears that he is failing them somehow.
The only other person who knows is my mother. He would not to talk to anyone else about it. However as I struggled so much supporting him and dealing with the horrible impact on our lives we agreed I should have someone to talk to so I told my mother. She has been great but obviously her main concern was me so she doesn't ever discuss it directly with DH.

OCD can be hereditary although last I heard they thought this was only in about 15% of cases (I think).
DHs relationship with MIL is not brilliant. She is highly strung though. A huge worrier with a very negative outlook and looks for the worst in everything. She is also an alcoholic. FIL has depressive tendencies. So I do think the home environment did not help DH. I believe we are providing a better home live for our kids. Although we have OCD to deal with we are dealing with it and are very conscious of the impact on our kids.
My DH social life is curtailed by it though. He hates to be away from us and will very rarely go out alone. I try to avoid going out with him if I can as it is a form of reassurance. His friends probably think I am controlling cow who hates them as he either doesn't go out, crys off or I don't go. I know they think I don't let him out.