Partner with OCD - anyone else?

[cherwell]

A couple of years into a relationship with an OCD sufferer. Anyone else have experience of this?

Thanks vm

Blue - see that's what I hope with the home life, I think my FIL enabled my MIL and combined itade for a very twisted childhood for my DH. He was/is still spoilt by her now but only if he toes the line, if he ever stands up to her we have tears and threats of suicide. She is a nightmare.

My DH doesn't really have any close friends anymore, no one knows about the OCD appart from my mom (as I needed someone to talk to) sound familiar!

We could never make it to any social gatherings during the week as my DH couldn't get out of the house early enough to go anywhere and even during the weekend when we have more time he was always too embarrassed to go out with other couples as he feels the need to wash is hands every time he touches something and knew other people would notice.

Work wise things are difficult at the moment as he is often very late as it takes him ages to leave the house, preparing the bathroom for when he gets home and washing hands and keys over and over again. He has no ambition and hates his job but lacks the motivation to look for anything else. He tells me his OCD does not effect work as he is only concerned about work dirt contaminating our home. He thinks if he got a different job his OCD would dissipate but I think it would just show up somewhere else.

blue and Jelly - both of your stories seem strangely familiar to me:

DH also treats DD like she is made of glass and is worried about "breaking her". She banged her head whilst she was with him the other night and he gave her to me to look after. I simply gave her back to him and made him continue looking after her. He is a wonderful father and I know he would always try and do the best for her, but the ocd is too strong sometimes.

In relation his work and social life, when the ocd first became apparent he had a breakdown and withdrew completely from work and friends. We weren't living together at the time (he was still with parents) and although he continued seeing me, he didn't tell me what the problem was - just called it "his problem". It was a couple of years (and after me threatening to end the relationship) before he told me it was ocd and then he got his mum to tell me which really hurt me.

It was only last year after he finished his cbt that he started working again and started socialising. Although he would still see my friends, I do feel that we missed out on so many events (his friends weddings etc) because of it. Even now, our social life is still restricted because he won't let anyone come over to babysit in the evening in winter because he won't allow them to touch our fire in case they damage it.

blue and jelly - it seems that all our dh/p's mothers were/are highly strung - coincidence? Anyone else feel the same?

I wish i had someone to talk to about it in real life as i know it would make things easier thats why I'm rambling on here!!. However, if my parents knew then i know he would not want to see them and we are all very close and he gets on well with them - they only live locally and i know he feels that when he is at their house, it is a bit of an escape from things and helps him relax.

Blue - Thats quite a low percentage about ocd being hereditary (good news for our DC) - the cbt counsellors have told my dh that it often results from a bang on the head. DH fractured his skull when he was 2 and the first signs started appearing when he was 3, so it possibly is that.

autumnchild that is interesting about a bang on the head. My DH fractured his skull as a child as well, and his symptoms started early to. Certainly by 7 or 8. I must mention that to him.
Re work. When DHs OCD was at its worst he ws in a job he hated. After diagnosis and treatment he started improving but the real dramatic improvement happened after he switched jobs as he was able to fight it better when not stressed in work.

Are we finding some trends here - childhood head injuries and highly-strung mothers.......??

Maybe of we keep talking long enough we will come up with a cure!
I am loath to blame mothers but I do think it is possible that if your primary care giver is very anxious or a worrier you are more likely to be anxious and then develop OCD to try and deal with this anxiety.
Comfort for us is that we are at least aware of our partners condition and can expose our kids to more 'normal' approaches to everyday situations.
FWIW I think you were right to hand the baby straight back to him. It's what I would have done as well.

This is really interesting there are lots of similarities between our partners. My DH also had a head injury but he was older 12 or 13 I think. His OCD didn't start to show until he was in his 20's.

DH's therapist told him the OCD comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain which coincided with a atressful event. I've noticed he is much worse when he's stressed. We had to have fertility treatment to have our daughter and the OCD definatly jumped to another level whilst we were going through that, it also got worse when my FIL died.

Even nice events like going on holiday triggers the OCD. My DH hates change anyone else's partner like that?

Autum I don't know how you cope with no one to talk to about it in real life.

YY to increasing with stress. That is why the job change heled so much. And the first few days of holidays are awful. He fins travelling stressful and then he gets annoyed and frustrated because his OCD won't allow him relax. Also getting used to new paces is hard. This year we are going to the same place we went for the last two years so this should help. He likes knowing what to expect! Although I probably shoudnt allow that I suppose since it is avoidance, but the place is great and the kids love it

Glad you agree i took the right approach Blue - its hard knowing whether you are doing the right thing. i also agree with the rest of that post.

Jelly - it is very difficult sometimes. Luckily, I am quite a non-stressy person, so to a large extent am able to deal with things.

It is strange that all 3 of our partners had a head injury prior to the ocd coming out - the counsellor must have been right.

Dh is definately worse when stressed, which he freely admits to but he also says that his stress levels are always sky-high

RE: holidays - its not so much the actual going away (he finds it better to be away from things), but its the thinking about going - he always says he's too busy (he does have a tiring job) and then blames me for daring to want to go away. Once he's away, he's fine and new places and things don't bother him.

Gah!! Just wrote a really long reply but the computer ate it!

My H too fractured his skull aged 11 but was showing signs of OCD at 5 (toy cars lined up by colour with all the wheels facing the same way, immaculately tidy room etc.).

I actually feel really lucky compared to some of you. My H's OCD doesn't really impact on our lives in a practical way the way some of you experience. He resists his impluses almost all the time, it's more the stress, anxiety and irritation of him doing so which is difficult to live with.

He was in the Navy for 20 years so HAD to confront and resist his compulsions. He shared living space with 23 other men in bunks so comtrolling his environment was impossible. He just limited it to controlling the 8 square feet of his bunk and locker. Sheets changed daily (and immediately stripped if someone touched his bunk or put anything on it), immaculate neatness etc. - but that is obligatory in the Military anyway. When we married I put a stop to much of it - no way was I washing sheets every day.

He has got so much better over the last 3 - 4 years. When we met he struggled socially because he would hate to go to restauarnts and see the tables laid up "wrong" (has a thing about cutlery and glasses being placed a certain way) and would go almost to pieces if something was spilled on the table cloth. He used to drink heavily to block those kinds of things out. Now he seems fine (he isn't but SEEMS it from the outside).

I totally could not handle the 5 hour shower thing at all. And one of the first questions I asked my H when he told me about his OCD was if it had manifested itself in any way sexually (aversion to touching, contamination etc.). If he had said yes I wouldn't have chosen to continue the relationship. Although his libido can be affected by the anxiety and the meds we have always had a pretty regular and healthy sex life which has never been directly afected by the OCD. Long may that last!

My DH refuses point blank to even contemplate getting on a plane anymore, I think it's the lack of control as he hates other people driving too. Doesn't mind the ferry for some reason so for the past few years we have gone to France for our holidays and we go to the same place too as its easier than having him stress about what the place will be like.

It's hard having to make them face up to things all the time isnt it. I often feel like the only grown up on the relationship.

I'm going to see if I can help my DH find another job as maybe that would help his stress levels and improve the OCD. I just wish he was more motivated and would put more effort into finding work himself but I think that's part of the condition for him.

Those of you with children, have the kids noticed the OCD yet? Our daughter (aged 4) commented on it for the first time last week, we were waiting and waiting for DH to finish washing his hands and keys so we could go out and she commented that "daddy is really silly using up all the water"

Ionysis I have to say I feel lucky to. My H has improved so dramatically in 4 years it is unreal. He too resists the urges to follow rituals nearly all of the time although he is not so good at stopping avoidance and goes to quite some lengths to avoid certain situations which he will find stressful. I have to be constantly vigilant for this as he can trick me into agreeing to things before I realise he has not been honest about his motives and they are what he professes them to be but rather avoidance measures.
He hates me going any distance at all in the car especially with the kids. If he needs to work at weekends I will often take kids to my mams which s 25 mins away. He will lie about how much work he has to do hoping I won't go, and by the time I realise he will be longer than he says its too late to go.
If I confront him directly. Is this your OCD or you he will admit it, but half the time he doesnt realise himself until confronted.
Don't think my kids have noticed too much. It's all so in his head though it's easy to miss. I was with him 5 years before I realised something was wrong.
The biggest thing is the black moods. When he struggles he withdraws into himself and the tension is palpable. He doesn't talk, snaps very easily and the atmosphere is awful. However they are becoming more infrequent and lasting less time.

Blue - yes you have to be one step ahead of them all of the time don't you as they do try and trick you into helping them.

Hows everyone today?

Dh came back from work and he's not good. he says that he's fully pressured but is keen not to withdraw from everyone again so he needs to struggle on. i feel really sorry for him .

He is going back on medication soon, but i think its takes a long time to work so will be a while before he sees any difference.

Autumn. I know I often feel really sorry for my husband. It's hard living with someone with OCD but millions of time worse to actually have it.
They are living on edge all the time. It must be so scary.
DH and I had a row yesterday about me leaving the blender out. I has made some purées for the baby last night and intended to do more in the morning so left it out on tHe counter instead of putting it away. When he wanted me to tidy it up I refused saying it was his OCD that wouldn't let him ignore it. He of course disagreed. It wasn't a big row but indicative. I didn't get a chance to do the purees will have to do them tomorrow. I put away the blender before he came home though! Didn't have energy for another row and I felt like I'd be diliberatly annoying him.

Blue - sounds like we both had ocd-affected days yesterday.

I don't know about everyone else, but i think its hard to know sometimes whats the OCD and whats DH's personality - if I argued against everything I thought was OCD I would be a nagging wife who doesn't let her DH do anything - like you Blue, I feel I would be deliberately annoying him/provoking an arguement.

At the moment I too don't feel like I've got the energy to keeping making that stand but I know I've got to for his sake. There are so many things which need to be dealt with but I will just make him worse whilst he is already at 100% pressure. I think I may wait until his medication starts to work before I start tackling everything again.

I am considering some form of counselling for myself just so I've got someone to moan to.

hello everyone

ive had a bad easter with dp and i need to offload

he often becomes very anxious and depressed when family time is approaching-his sister was visitingand wasnt working over easter so "would be stuck in with you if it rains"-his words

in the end kids hardly saw him.was agitiated and i culd sense atmosphere and was treading on eggshells when he was around in case he just blew or got up and suddenly left which the children find very unsettling and expect me to explain why daddy has gone

we havent had sex for months and he is avoiding me at every oppurtunity,yet is what i can only describe as jealous that i am picking up 2 rescue cats this weekend and am looking forward to having cuddles with them

we have barely spoken in 2weeks and i have spent no time alone with him,not to do anything but would be nice talk/watchtv curled up together like we usesd to>

i feeling really fed up.itsdd2 birthday on friday and i know he will be stressed coming round her after work and will leave the second she goes to bed.

he has already said wont be visiting saturday to brace himself as she wants him at her party at pizza hut on sunday.

sometimes i just want to have some time as a family where i dont feel im watching for any triggers and can just relax and enjoy us all being together

sorry for the rant
thanks for listening

sorry was meant dump off on support thread for carers MH
sorry!

I really could use some advice. My boyfriend of 4 years has ocd. We moved in together a year ago and it has been a disaster. Its got worse and worse and taken over my life as well as his. Our flat is covered in rubber gloves and piles of rubbish and clothes that I cant clean up as "I don't understand the way it has to be done". Its now got to the stage where we cant even cuddle or kiss or touch each other. I feel like even though it would break both our hearts if I ended things, I'm not actually helping him or myself by letting this continue. He's been diagnosed and took meds for a little while but not long enough to do anything and attends counselling very occasionally. I can't do anything more to help him when he does nothing to help himself. Any advice would be very appreciated.