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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

are we out of order?

28 replies

liverLadyLass · 01/04/2012 16:44

kids were supposed to stay out Friday night,
grandparents phone and say there not up to it,
that was fine even tho they had only phoned us half an hour before they were supposed to get them,
then we find out that they have taken there other grandchild, and my ds who's eight is very upset,, as are we,
if the grand mother is unfit to take one set of due to her nerves!!! surly the same goes for the other?
or are we completely in the wrong here?

OP posts:

Groovee · 01/04/2012 17:01

No. But would pressure have been put on them to have their other grandchild?

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 17:05

it depends. maybe they felt up to having one child but not more than one. maybe your children are hard work and the other isn't. maybe they were already commited to having the other cgrandchil when they agreed to have yours but then realised it would be too much. need more info. and why did you tell your son that the other grandchild was staying?

susiedaisy · 01/04/2012 17:06

Ditto iam post!

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 18:03

How did you find out about tin other child staying? Do they know you know? Who told your son?

I've had similar done to me!

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 01/04/2012 21:40

they didn't have my two as there nanny who's in her early fiftys wasn't feeling up to it, due to nerves, my dc are well mannered and are not a handful.
my mil, suffers with being a hypercondreact,
my son used to blame me for being let down, we decided to start telling him the truth to save him blowing off at us, he's getting older and asking mote questions like, why is she always ill,
there other grandchild would be in the same situation, only his mother puts her foot down.

OP posts:

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 01/04/2012 21:48

they knew my DCs were staying,
told us they would see how mil was feeling,
phoned us half an hour before they were supposed to pick them up and said they were not,
then went on to take there other grandchild the following day,
if the nan is unfit to take there grandchildren one night surly she is unfit to take them the next?

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 21:57

Hyperchondria can be an awful thing. I know! It can take over a whole life and ruin it!

Is it true hyperchondria or is it actually that she says she's ill when she's not for attention or she can't handle a little cold or something like that? I ask because for people who really suffer with it genuinely, they are terrified that they are ill. Seriously ill. Every headache is a brain tumor for eg. Sometimes i find that others just find it a nuisance or amusing or just roll their eyes at the term, but you have to remember that the fear of death is one of the mouth powerful fears there is. To not be able to make the worry stop and the negative thoughts regarding their health stop . . . it can be a living nightmare.

That's why i wonder if you mean she actually really suffers from it or if she has got a sniffle, is being a woos and nothing more.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 22:00

Hyperchondria is a mental illness not a physical one. So if she is feeling wobbly one day she could in theory be feeling better the next.

freeforall · 01/04/2012 22:09

Well if she was suffering with her "nerves" as you say I imagine it's perfectly possible to feel better from one day to the next, particularly as what you have to deal with in those days is different.

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 01/04/2012 22:34

poopool: if there is a headache it's probably a tumour, yes she's that way,

OP posts:

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 22:39

Tell DS that Nanny has the kind of ilness which can suddenly make her very tired and she can't help it. That's FAR kinder than saying she's let him down. I would protect mine before any honesty of that nature...there are ways to let him down without making it look like your fault.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 22:39

But does she just say that (you know in the way some people might for attention) or does she actually feel it and suffer the anxiety and obsessiveness that can come with it?

Has she been diagnosed? CBT can really help as can counselling and anti anxiety medication. Has she done any of these?

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 22:41

So what did you actually tell your son? If she has what you say she does then your son shouldn't be too upset as he would know she is ill and can't help it.

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 22:55

"if the nan is unfit to take there grandchildren one night surly she is unfit to take them the next?"

ok firstly you made out in the OP that the gran had taken the other child at the same time as she was supposed to have your dcs when in actual fact it was the next day altogether!

secondly, of course someone can be feeling ill in an evening and be fine the next day. i myself can be hit with a wall of tiredness in the evenings and go to bed as soon as my dcs are asleep but then be totally fine the next day. how can you not see this is totally possible? surely you have had evenings where you felt rough but were fine after a night's sleep.

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 22:59

also, i think you need to prepare your son a bit better for this. you say he was blaming you for being let down so this is recurring thing and you know she is often ill. teh grandparents told you they would see if MIL was up to it. in your shoes i would be telling my child that only if gran's health was good would they be staying with her and that they shouldn't pin all their hopes on going as gran isn't always well. i dont think there should be any blame being handed out TBH. illness is illness. you can't hold that against her. whether it is psychological or physical.

SerendipitousHarlot · 01/04/2012 22:59

OP - I can see why you would be pissed off - I would be too secretly - but, and I hate to say it - you have no right to dictate if the GP look after your children.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 23:06

So the other mum forced the ill grand parent to look after her children even though she said she wasn't well enough!?

Original poster

liverLadyLass · 02/04/2012 01:17

she isn't ill
her gp told her that there was a pocket near the exit in her bumb were the poo goes into which makes it harder to poo,
so she's took a complete breakdown because she May have to get it sorted,
she's now cooped herself up and carrying on n talking as if she's loosing her marbles?
she's stopped doing anything and everything,?
shed said she wasn't well enough to watch the kids, which was fine, but
was still in the same way the following day, but managed to watch there other grandchild after saying no to our children?

this is getting to complicated??

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2012 01:41

"She isn't ill"

She is emotionall/mentally unwell.

I think that you should both stop putting pressure on her to have the children and ask her what support she needs. You can contact her GP and have a talk with him.

Dolcelatte · 02/04/2012 03:39

You don't sound very sympathetic or respectful TBH. They are your kids - you look after them!

freeforall · 02/04/2012 08:07

She is ill. She may not have all the physical illnesses she thinks she has, but she's struggling to deal with what she is facing. Sounds like she's in emotional turmoil to me and it's probably hurting her that she doesn't feel well enough to have her GC. I'd expect family to be trying to support her, not slagging her off. If you say this sort of thing to her face it's probably you she doesn't feel well enough to face and nothing to do with your DC.

Groovee · 02/04/2012 08:22

Well now you've admitted she didn't take her other grandchild in place of your two, I think you are being very unreasonable!

As someone who's had a lot of health complications in the last 2 years, the slightest thing can set you off. Maybe a bit of compassion wouldn't go astray!

If your children have your attitude (telling the 8 year old that granny doesn't want him) may make them bloody hard work!

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:49

You clearly have no sympathy for people with anxiety or other mental illness. That's something that YOU need to deal with. I explained up thread what it is like, I've been there, its horrific. You have either not read what i wrote, don't care or do not have the intelligence to understand.

If she genuinely favours one grandchild over the other then that is horrible. I've experienced that and its not nice. But its not clear from what you've said that is what's happening.

And seriously stop upsetting your child with it! Explain picture she isn't well and that its unpredictable. At the moment it sounds like you are using your child as a pawn to guilt her. Disgusting way to behave.

I know this will sound harsh, but you sound low in IQ because of your handling of this.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:50

Explain THAT she's not well! Don't know where the random picture word came from.

IAmBooyhoo · 02/04/2012 09:40

"she isn't ill
her gp told her that there was a pocket near the exit in her bumb were the poo goes into which makes it harder to poo,
so she's took a complete breakdown because she May have to get it sorted,"

so the GP has confirmed she has a problem. he has told her she might need surgery (if i'm understanding 'get it sorted' coreectly) and she is having trouble coping with the prospect of this. you already know she is a hypochondriac yet you dont get that she is actually ill? do you care? it doesn't sound like it. it sounds like you are pissed off that you didn't get a childfree night on friday. if this was my mum i would be telling her to forget all about having the GCs for as long as it took her to feel well again. i would offer to bring them round so she could spend time with them and them with her but i would stay with them and do all the running and lifting afetr them. no way would i take the hump because she wasn't able to look after them for me. how selfish can you get?

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