Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

So, what do you do when....

34 replies

heartbroken2012 · 01/04/2012 12:46

you realise that for you he is 'the one' ; but for him you are not 'the one' ; or to put it another way; that I love him more than he loves me....

been together 18 months. Both 40's; both divorced. for me, this is it, everything I have been waiting for, everything I wanted in a partner.

rather sick realisation this weekend that, what ever he says, this is not really so for him. Feel absolutely devastated.

OP posts:

ElusiveCamel · 01/04/2012 12:59

So sorry, heartbroken :( Haven't had quite the same thing, but can really empathise with the shock and pain when you realise someone's real feelings for you are not what you feel for them and what they are saying.

The only consolation, and I hope it's a consolation to you too although may not be right now, is that I truly believe that two people can only be right for each other and therefore, by definition, if you are not 'the one' for him then he cannot really be 'the one' for you - even if you felt like he was.

Wishing you well.

izzyizin · 01/04/2012 13:02

What's bought you to this 'rather sick realisation'?

If this relationship has reached the end of the road all you can do is let him go and take solace in knowing that, out of the billions of males in the world, any one of a least a million other men could represent everything you've waited for and wanted in a partner.

tallwivglasses · 01/04/2012 13:03

What happened? He's obviously saying the right things...what's he done that's made you feel this way?

Flightty · 01/04/2012 13:03

Oh gosh I'm sorry.

Do you think talking properly with him might draw you both some conclusions...could it be he just isn't sure in the same way as you are?

Original poster

heartbroken2012 · 01/04/2012 13:09

its not over - at least not unless I decide that the pain of breaking up now is better than the pain of loving someone, living with someone who does not love me as I love them.

I don't know.

He did something, minor really, but it hurt me; and if he had thought about it, he would have known that. I just realised that I would not do something intentionally that would hurt him.

Its like everything is falling down around e

OP posts:

Flightty · 01/04/2012 13:15

what did he do?

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2012 13:24

It does depend, a bit, on what he's actually done. If he hit you, lied to you, insisted on having his own way at your expense, shagged your sister or stole from you then that's really bad. If he bought you white roses when he should have known that you only like pink ones, then you are being precious and spoilt.

Original poster

heartbroken2012 · 01/04/2012 15:22

Like I said, its nothing major.

It is akin to saying 'my God your bum looks big in that skirt' as a kind of joke... but knowing that the person you are saying it to has a big hang up about their bottom....

i just know that, if I knew he would be upset by my saying doing something that it was just as easy for me not to do (IYSWIM), .. I would not do it, because I would not want to hurt him. He does not have the same consideration for me. That hurts.

don't want to say exactly what as it will out me and he browses mumsnet

OP posts:

GinPalace · 01/04/2012 15:25

I was in this situation - I loved dh more than he loved me, turns out he was just slower to arrive at the same destination as me (like 4 years slower!) and we're now married.

Are you sure he isn't just a bit more thoughtless than you? Wouldn't be the first bloke you could say that about. :)

Loonybun · 01/04/2012 15:30

Are you sure he just didn't think? Some people don't think before they put their feet in their mouth! It might not be so drastic as you think. Before writing off his feelings being of the same depth of yours I'd have it out with him and let him know how hurt you are.

GinPalace · 01/04/2012 15:35

loonybun is wise. :)

Goawaybob · 01/04/2012 15:37

wooooahhhh - hang on, it COULD just be that he is a bit of an inconsiderate arse! Tell him, make it crystal clear the comment has really upset you and tell him that it has made you question if he is really serious. If he is, well then he will make bloody sure he doesn't upset you again - then you can be happy. Don't throw away happiness over one incident of fuckwittery - no one is perfect.

Goawaybob · 01/04/2012 15:39

Oh and if you are reading this Mr Heartbroken - you have been an arse in whatever you said to Ms Heartbroken. You might not think it is a big deal, but to her, it is, and you REALLY should have known this - she has forgiven you this once, count your lucky stars and dont be arse again. There, sorted xx

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 15:42

Heartbroken you should try to put down SOME details of what he did then we can help you understand more...as someone else said, you need to have some other opinions and you won't get that without more detail.

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2012 15:43

OK, some people really are tactless and have no filter between mouth and brain. They can, if it's firmly pointed out to them, learn to shut up when necessary but given that a lot of people cry and seethe in private rather than actually saying 'That was rude and unkind' or whatever, it can take a while to learn to think before speaking. Is this chap one of those says-whatever-comes-to-mind types?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 15:51

man makes thoughtless comment

hold the front page

seriously though, I am no great defender of ignorant men, but you are reconsidering your whole relationship because of a thoughtless comment ?

it is either more than that, or you are scared he is going to dump you anyway

do you feel very "lucky" to be with him ? Wonder why he wants you ?

if that is the road you are going down, think again

stand up to him, tell him what he said/did was hurtful and exactly why and see where you go from there. If he says you are being silly/paranoid you have your answer

he isn't too good for you, believe me

having said that, if he is a tit, just get rid of him

oikopolis · 01/04/2012 16:53

i'm terrible with saying insensitive things without thinking, especially when i'm tired or distracted. i've got better as i've got older, but i've certainly come out with some corkers in my time...

agree with AF... you need to drop the "he's too good for me" script and start looking at this relationship as a meeting of equals. and if it doesn't shape up, drop him, by all means.

Thistledew · 01/04/2012 17:07

A good relationship has to be about communication. DP and I have both on occasion done or said thoughtless things that have upset the other, but we both feel completely comfortable in telling the other person when we are upset, in the confident expectation that we will both take our partner's view on board and try not to do it again.

What did your DP say when you told him he upset you? Did you tell him or just expect him to second guess your feelings?

Flightty · 01/04/2012 17:45

Unless he oes other things like this, or does this regularly then I don't think it's worth ending the whole thing over. Mine says things that hurt my feelings sometimes. But most of the time, he doesn/t, and if he says something that makes me sad or cross or I start sobbing, he tries to snog me tickle me put it right.

That's how you know. But you have to TELL him somehow that he has said something stupid. I hope you are ok x

Original poster

heartbroken2012 · 01/04/2012 18:40

I have told him, several times how this makes me feel. I feel like a piece of something smelly on his shoe. I don't care if others would be able to cope with it/I'm being oversensitive/its 'just his way'

It HURTS. Ive had a bloody miserable weekend. And I want him NOT to do it again....

I do feel 'lucky' to be with him; I also know he is bloody lucky to be with me. He is my equal, intellectually, emotionally (mostly) and there are loads of things he can do really well that I cannot... unblock drains/put up a shelf fix the dishwasher. I don't think I have ever met a man (friend, colleague, partner, family) who I respect more. i LIKE him too. He likes me and supports me, and encourages me. He tells me I am wonderful and that he is proud of me...He gives me confidence and strength.

But he is also a thoughtless twunt. Sometimes. Its about 5 times now in total.... in 18 months... not often, but he's not learning. I have deliberately kept busy today, in and out, so i will talk to him (again) later. I'm actually quite pissed off.

I have no 'fears' that he will dump me - although of course he might. maybe he does love me as much as he can love anyone. Maybe its just not IN him to be more careful.

One thing is for sure, I don't expect that I can change him, only he could change himself, and it seems that he does not want to, or see the need to.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 18:56

well then, the decision is yours

do his good points out weigh the bad ?

personally, I wouldn't think so

but some women will compromise their self respect for the sake of a man, and carry on doing it in the hope he will simply stop the behaviour that makes them feel like shit

they are very rarely right to put their faith in such a man, but I expect you will do it until he makes it untenable for you

be quite clear what your last straw might be....because it is likely he will push it until he gets you there

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2012 22:17

If you've told him, repeatedly, that a particular behaviour or type of remark upsets you and yet he keeps on doing whatever it is, then that doesn't sound very good. Just to clarify, though, is the Bad Thing something that's directed at you, like a criticism or piece of unwanted advice? Or is it something that he does such as scratch his arse in a gross way, or listen to a kind of music that you hate? Because there are limits on how much you can expect a partner to obey you when there's an area on which you disagree, but a partner who does stuff to you that you don't like, repeatedly, is one who needs dumping because s/he is demonstrating that s/he considers his/her own feelings and wishes much more important than yours.

ginhag · 01/04/2012 22:32

If he is saying something, repeatedly, that makes you feel 'heartbroken'...does that seem ok to you?

I get the impression that whatever 'it' is, it's something you are really very sensitive about (partly because you have avoided mentioning it) so I think that you would expect your partner to know/care about that.

HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 10:00

OK. I may be projecting, but I'm look at this from the other side of a different perspective perhaps.

The 1st 2 years of any relationship are much like any other. Between 18m and 2 years however some relationships start to show signs that were not there before.

The unexpected reaction, when you expect your DP to react in a certain way and he doesn't, not quite. Not enough for you to have a discussion about, but something to surprise you, and not in a nice way, in a slightly disappointing way.

When you identify something that bothers you, you communicate this to him, but he doesn't seem to take in on board. Ever.

Why does he browse MN? Did he do this before you were with him? I'm assuming he knows you post here?

You felt a lightning bolt when you met him right? Amazing sex? he was full on in persuing you, made you feel like the only woman alive on earth?

You love him, completely, mad about him, he is The One.... BUT somehow you feel that YOU are not the ONE for him??

So are you going to try to BE the person that would be The One for him?

That's the next step in this process, that you change, modify yourself, take it on board that him making insensitive comments/reactions to things he KNOWS DAMNED WELL hurt you, is 'Just Him'

You're being taught to normalise.

The relationship you describe is showing signs of him being abusive. If a normal person knows that to say X upsets you, they make damned sure that they never EVER say that again. You said yourself that you'd learn the first time. He is NOT. He's upset you 5 times on this subject already, you tell him it breaks your heart, but he still does it.

This guy will keep doing this. He is not The One. The One will NOT knowingly hurt you repeatedly. He will do everything he can to support you, to make you feel better, stronger, happier. This guy you have will destroy you eventually. In any way he can. Trust me.

The relationship I describe is the same relationship I was been in for the last 11 years. In the end I barely left the house, was a psychological shadow of my former self. I've attended group therapy, individual therapy, and the Freedom Programme. It's been exhausting and the journey is far from over yet. I may never fully recover.

I'm embarking on a new relationship myself, it's hard going, but if I saw the above happening in my relationship I'd walk without a second thought. I'm not getting trapped in that hell again.

solidgoldbrass · 03/04/2012 11:20

Remember most of all that there is no such thing as The One. There are a fair percentage of men who are attractive to you, available for the kind of relationship you want to have, and not arseholes. Any one of them would do, and most people who have a happy longterm relationship have simply found one of this substantial pool of individuals and needed to look no further.

A man who repeatedly upsets you is quite simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you. Why let him keep on doing so when you can dump him and find a nicer one?

Flip

1 2