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Original poster

I should go to this wedding, shouldn't I?

51 replies

PepeLePew · 31/03/2012 23:42

My ex SIL (my ex-h's sister) just got engaged, wedding is in August. I adore her, she's like my sister and has been fabulous throughout the nightmare of my marriage falling apart.

She moved several hundred miles away last year so I don't see her much. She has come to visit this weekend and we've just had a long chat about the wedding. It's clear she is just assuming I will be there. I want to be there. I love her, I am thrilled for her, and I want her to have the most fantastic day.

But my ex will, of course, be there. With the woman he left me for, who he is marrying next month (so she will be his wife). I know her well - she was my friend before she was his mistress, though I haven't seen her since the day before he told me he was having an affair and walked out on me and our three children.

I have been in total denial about the wedding until today, just hoping it would sort of go away. But it won't. Part of me thinks of course I should go - she is one of my best friends and I couldn't not be there. And it's her day not mine so I should just suck it up. But it's going to be monumentally awkward. My ex MIL will combust with the effort of trying not to make things uncomfortable. The extended ex family will all be awkwardly polite (I haven't seen most of them since he left though I get Christmas cards etc). At some point in the day I will clearly have to at least acknowledge this woman in some form as I won't be able to ignore her completely. And I am not sure I can guarantee I can control myself completely - she (and he) carried on an affair for two years while she came to my house, came on holiday with us and babysat my children so my ex and Icould go out.

I can't even go and get hideously drunk because the children will be there.

This is a bloody nightmare. If I tell ex SIL I can't go, she will uninvite the OW at the very least and possibly her brother too (she can't stand her and isn't that keen on him as a result of what he has done) and that will cause no end of family ructions. I can't say yes then cancel at the last minute because I did that last year when I couldn't face their other sister's wedding and it just looks flaky and pathetic. But going? I'm not sure I can do that.

Could you go? Would you go? What do I do?

OP posts:

pictish · 31/03/2012 23:49

I don't know what to advise but I couldn't not answer. What a dilemma!
I'd not go I don't think. Not on my own.
Are there mutual pals going?

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2012 23:49

If she is such a good friend, surely she should understand why it would be impossible for you to go? And what an awkward position attending would put you in.

pictish · 31/03/2012 23:49

Is that a double negative I just did there?
Anyway - I mean to say...I don't think I would go.

Bangtastic · 31/03/2012 23:50

Go, enjoy the day. Don't let those two spineless tossers ruin anything else in your life. It will be a lovely day I am sure, and you will be gutted if you miss it because of them.

BenderBendingRodriguez · 31/03/2012 23:55

I'm with Bangtastic. Go, be there to celebrate your much-loved friend's happiness. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. Stay as little or as long as you want, but do go. Otherwise you might end up resenting your ex for making you stay away, and then he's gained headspace with you again which he clearly does not deserve.

sugarandspite · 31/03/2012 23:59

Perhaps it need not be all or nothing?

Could you go to the wedding ceremony, see her married, quick glass of bubbly and then head off (leaving kids with exDH?).

Thus being there for the important bit and missing the socialising / mingling / drinking bit which might be the most awkward part.

Toughasoldboots · 01/04/2012 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2012 00:20

I wouldn't be able to go. I couldn't stand to see their faces as they try to decide whether I was jealous.

blowcushion · 01/04/2012 00:35

I would not go; would only attend a wedding where I had to see X if it was a DC getting married.

Your friend was showing you that she loves and values you and wants you there; agree with sugarandspite's suggestion but wouldn't it be a long way to go for a short time?

I am in a similar wedding invite dilemma but for different reasons.

Good luck!

blowcushion · 01/04/2012 00:38

You could turn up with a drop-dead-gorgeous escort and show that you don't give a toss about X and OW!

ifancyashandy · 01/04/2012 01:11

All you need to say to the OW is 'hello'. To coin a MN phrase, it's a sentence. If she tries to engage in conversation, say, politely, 'excuse me, I just need to go over there'.

Thus, you've acknowledged, been polite but not friendly. And - importantly- you've not allowed them any ammunition. But you will have seen your friend marry. And take refuge in the friends & family who adore you.

Go. The best revenge is living well.

savoycabbage · 01/04/2012 01:32

I don't know if I would go or not. I'll tell you what I would do though-I would start arranging right now for your ex to have the dc that weekend so that he has to look after them at the wedding!

I would also try and find someone to go with so that you have someone that is there for you.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 01/04/2012 06:59

Can you handle it? If the answers yes, then go for it, best dress, all pretty, smiling and sparkly.

It totally depends upon your mind set. If it will knock you for six, give it all a miss. Your SIL sounds lovely and very supportive of you, she'll understand if you cant do it.

I couldnt do it but would love to.

battherat · 01/04/2012 07:22

You sound very lovely and it seems as though your exh's family still love you a lot.

You clearly care a lot about your friend and have her best interests at heart. With that in mind, I would go. I would go and everytime it felt a bit awkward I would have a mantra in my head that you are the better person and you are magnanimous.

Don't let that scum bag make you miss out x

kerala · 01/04/2012 07:25

I wouldn't go. And if she is as good a friend and kind person as you say she will understand.

DaisyAndConfused · 01/04/2012 07:49

If you do want to go what about meeting XH and OW before so that the wedding day is not such a shock (weddings are emotional at the best of times!). Then you can gauge your ability to cope in a less public setting.

Also be honest wil your X-SIL about how you're feeling, she might reassure you x

DinahMoHum · 01/04/2012 08:11

i would go and ignore the ex or be civil. You may find it liberating

Kayzr · 01/04/2012 08:16

I would go. You've done nothing wrong at all. Go and have a great time and show them that you don't give a shit.

I do like the gorgeous escort idea

carlywurly · 01/04/2012 08:22

What a dilemma. I actually felt sick for you reading this as I could very well be in an identical position soon. I don't know if I could do it but I'd definitely talk to your friend. She will understand and can make sure you're seated well away from each other. I bet his new partner would be dreading seeing you too tbh..

Kaloobear · 01/04/2012 08:23

I would go and totally ignore ex-H and OW. If they attempt to talk to you (unlikely) smile and say excuse me then walk away. Speaking as someone who's parents refused to be at my wedding because the other was there (and I know this is your ex-SIL not your child) she wouldn't have invited you if it wasn't important to her for you to be there.

Kaloobear · 01/04/2012 08:26

Also, if OW hears you are being gracious and mature and going, she may well decide not to go herself, particularly if she knows your ex-SIL dislikes her and is close to you.

hathorinareddress · 01/04/2012 08:28

I'd get the gorgeous escort and make sure the EXH has the kids that weekend so it's his problem looking after them and you can leave when you feel you've had enough

plantsitter · 01/04/2012 08:32

If you can't handle it (and I couldn't, but I can see what the people who are saying 'go' mean), I would write her a letter telling her that you can't go and why, and that it would be bad for your children to see family ructions so she should not exclude her brother and his new wife. If you write, you can include everything about how much you love her, etc and so you won't have to argue with her initial upset reaction.

TwinkleTwinklyStars · 01/04/2012 08:44

I had this dilemma (not ExSil but a good friend) 6 months after EXp abandoned me for his bit on the side.
I couldn't not go, so I left DS with my parents and went to the reception, for an hour.
I stayed long enough to say hi to all the ex in laws and to let the B&G see me a couple of times then I slipped out quietly.

When people asked later i used my newborn as an excuse for my lateness/early leaving.

Your SIL probably won't notice if you slip out early, she will just remember seeing you.
And a short visit makes it much easier to avoid the dickhead and his slaggy OH EXh and the OW.

DuelingFanjo · 01/04/2012 08:52

the brave part of me says 'go' because you can act with dignity while they squirm but I can completely understand why it would be hard for you so sense says don't go. However can you explain to sil that this mustn't mean she un-invites OW or her brother as that's not fair on you.

is the wedding nearby or in the place she moved to? if nearby could you slip in at the back for the ceremony then stay at the reception for an hour then leave?

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