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Original poster

I should go to this wedding, shouldn't I?

51 replies

PepeLePew · 31/03/2012 23:42

My ex SIL (my ex-h's sister) just got engaged, wedding is in August. I adore her, she's like my sister and has been fabulous throughout the nightmare of my marriage falling apart.

She moved several hundred miles away last year so I don't see her much. She has come to visit this weekend and we've just had a long chat about the wedding. It's clear she is just assuming I will be there. I want to be there. I love her, I am thrilled for her, and I want her to have the most fantastic day.

But my ex will, of course, be there. With the woman he left me for, who he is marrying next month (so she will be his wife). I know her well - she was my friend before she was his mistress, though I haven't seen her since the day before he told me he was having an affair and walked out on me and our three children.

I have been in total denial about the wedding until today, just hoping it would sort of go away. But it won't. Part of me thinks of course I should go - she is one of my best friends and I couldn't not be there. And it's her day not mine so I should just suck it up. But it's going to be monumentally awkward. My ex MIL will combust with the effort of trying not to make things uncomfortable. The extended ex family will all be awkwardly polite (I haven't seen most of them since he left though I get Christmas cards etc). At some point in the day I will clearly have to at least acknowledge this woman in some form as I won't be able to ignore her completely. And I am not sure I can guarantee I can control myself completely - she (and he) carried on an affair for two years while she came to my house, came on holiday with us and babysat my children so my ex and Icould go out.

I can't even go and get hideously drunk because the children will be there.

This is a bloody nightmare. If I tell ex SIL I can't go, she will uninvite the OW at the very least and possibly her brother too (she can't stand her and isn't that keen on him as a result of what he has done) and that will cause no end of family ructions. I can't say yes then cancel at the last minute because I did that last year when I couldn't face their other sister's wedding and it just looks flaky and pathetic. But going? I'm not sure I can do that.

Could you go? Would you go? What do I do?

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 01/04/2012 08:57

I was in this position 6 weeks after splitting with xp and decided to go.

The excess 10lbs I'd lost from the stress of it all meant I looked great and I walked in with my head held high. OW now wife looked a mess and I ignored them both, neither were comfortable enough to come anywhere near me so I didn't have to do the polite 'hello'.

If you can, go. Dose yourself with Rescue Remedy, put on your best frock and biggest smile and fake it til it feels real

MissAnnersley · 01/04/2012 09:10

I wouldn't do it but it depends entirely on your own feelings. It would ( and did) take a lot out of me. The worry beforehand and the strain of the day was pretty bad.

I wasn't able to enjoy the day as I was very aware of my ex and his new partner for the whole day.

That was just my experience though.

nkf · 01/04/2012 09:16

I wouldn't go. Do you think the children will want to go? If so, can someone take them?

SantieMaggie · 01/04/2012 12:13

I actually feel sick for you too and am swinging between telling you to go and telling you not to. Hopefully the ow and exh are shitting herself at the thought of having to go with you there!

Sorry not very helpful but good luck.

EnjoyResponsibly · 01/04/2012 12:25

I wouldn't. I'd love to say I would but in all honesty the effort of maintaining my dignity would be too exhausting.

Send the DCs with their father and take yourself off shopping/see a movie with a good friend.

Then take your clearly lovely SIL out for tea after her honeymoon so she can talk and talk about her day.

daytoday · 01/04/2012 12:43

Ok, its their aunt right, so the kids have been invited have they?

If they have, then I think it should be your ex-husbands job to take them?

This frees you up a bit, to turn up to celebrate and go.

DumSpiroSpero · 01/04/2012 12:53

I would makes sure that the DC's and I looked amazing, go along & have a fantastic time cepbrating with my friend - but I'm stubborn old cow!

cocolepew · 01/04/2012 12:56

I wouldn't go, if if it going to make your ex-mil and the family uncomfortable trying to please everyone, that's not fair. Your DCs can go with their Dad.

silver73 · 01/04/2012 14:52

I think you should go so other woman can see how much you are loved. Give ex-DH the kids so you can do what you want and come and go as you please depending on how you feel on the day. It would have been good if your ex-SIL had only invited her brother. The only people that should feel awkward are the ones that have done the dirty on you.

HoudiniHissy · 01/04/2012 15:03

I too think that if you can pull it off, then you should go.

BUT the ExH has to have the DC that weekend, as you will need to focus on getting ready, can come and go as you please and afterwards you can get hammered

If you feel that you will not be able to rise above him and his OW, tbh I would say something to the bride. If she chooses to remove an invitation from these 'people' so be it. They are not decent enough to be included in a normal family occasion as they were so hell bent on the destruction of a family themselves. Cheats and OW don't deserve invitations to family events, they don't deserve being included in anything.

MiladyGardenia · 01/04/2012 15:13

I understand how sick-making this is for you and it's a huge ask, but I think if you can, you should go.

I don't see any reason to acknowledge your xh and the OW, though- I would just ignore them. A brief nod, if you feel like it, should cover it.

And keep in mind that 'When a man marries his mistress, a vacancy opens up'. Petty? Maybe. But I bet it'll help you out.

bobbledunk · 01/04/2012 15:17

I don't know, if I was her I would definitely prefer my friend over arsehole brother and his slapper. Talk to her.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 01/04/2012 16:19

I wouldn't go personally.

But also I don't see anything wrong with completely blanking them if you do go. What's with this whole thing of people having to be friendly? He did a cuntish thing, so why do you have to be the one that sucks it up and plays nice all the time?

rookiemater · 01/04/2012 17:01

I wouldn't go.
I would write your friend a letter and explain that you don't want to put anyone in an awkward position and you certainly don't want her not to invite her own DB so you think it would be best if you don't come.

I would however suggest to her that you want to make a trip to see her when they get back from honeymoon to celebrate her wedding - perhaps you could suggest taking out her and her new DH for dinner ( still cheaper than buying new outfit and probably staying in a hotel for the wedding)

If she is a good friend she will understand. I'm all for not putting yourself in deliberately hurtful situation and in theory all this "You go girl and look fabulous" is grand but seems like an awful stressful day for all involved.

fallenpetal · 01/04/2012 17:09

No way I would go to any reception, Id maybe go to the ceremony were not real talking happens, give my love then flee as fast as I could. But then the OW in my life is a dreadful mouthy bitch who doesnt have a volume control.

Can you take a male friend maybe?

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 01/04/2012 17:12

I don't know what I'd do in this situation but you need to do what is best for you. Your best friend will understand whatever you do because she loves you.

Do what will stress you out the least and be kind to yourself. :)

Sassybeast · 01/04/2012 17:16

My initial reaction was 'no way' but on reflection, I would get dressed up and go accompanied by your beautiful kids. The fact that you will be welcomed by the extended family and she doesn't get to play happy families with your children will be more of a virtual slap in the face for the happy couple than if you hid away. Head held high - your ex and the OW are the ones who should be embarrassed to show their faces

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 01/04/2012 17:21

I was thinking about this situation the other day and tbh my thoughts are the day is about the bride and groom and if people want to act like it is all about them and can't be respectful for a few hours then they shouldn't go.

Go. Celebrate your friend's new life starting. If you come across your ex and his wife say hello and walk on.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 01/04/2012 17:26

Alos, make sure you get a new dress and look fabulous. Look at photos of your ex and his bit so you become immune to their faces and hold your head up high. you did nothing wrong. Maybe they are shtting themselves at seeing you .

RabidEchidna · 01/04/2012 17:26

Start the diet/tone up today
Be on the look out for that drop dead gorgeous outfit
Plan the new hair style
Practice walking in killer hills
And go to the wedding with your head held high and a bright smile.

oikopolis · 01/04/2012 17:40

i would go.

it will hurt and be difficult at times, but ultimately it will be a liberating exercise.

of course it will always be up to you, and it depends entirely on how you feel. personally i wouldn't want my exH's actions and betrayals controlling what i do on a day when my dear friend is marrying. i think you would regret not going.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 18:00

I think i agree with all those saying to go. If you can find a handsome man to go with you then that's a bonus!

Your friend obviously thinks a lot of you so it would be a shame not to be there. Why should she miss out on having you there because of what they have done.

Get a lovely dress, hair done, look fab, smile on your face, hold your head up high.

How long since he left anyway?

DumSpiroSpero · 01/04/2012 18:26

BUT the ExH has to have the DC that weekend, as you will need to focus on getting ready, can come and go as you please and afterwards you can get hammered

I love that idea! Also second what many others are saying that your ex & ow will be more bothered by your presence - that alone would be enough to make me go.

FWIW I once attended a party a few months after splitting up with an ex in the knowledge that he would be there with my 'replacement'. I got dolled up, strode in with a big smile on my face and...they lasted about 15 minutes before finding the situation so uncomfortable they left!

Original poster

PepeLePew · 01/04/2012 19:33

Thanks everyone. I think those of you saying "go" have persuaded me. I've got six months to find the perfect dress and lose the last six pounds. And I know her friends will all be lovely and dammit, why should
I miss out?

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 01/04/2012 19:37

i agree, i really think you should go and have a good time. your ex and his floozy should not keep you away.

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