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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lonely as hell, please help

62 replies

CrystalMaize · 31/03/2012 22:01

Ok, background is split up with DH a month ago. Have DS 13 (not his). Only been married 4 months, DH has MH issues. DS also has MH issues relating to his father.

Left DH due to emotional abuse of me, physical abuse of DS. In the time I've been away, have had approx 20 texts and 10 calls a day from DH threatening to kill himself. Has tapered off in last 3 days. Have 2 good friends in RL plus lovely DM, am so lucky. But can't keep calling them with latest stuff about DH, I feel I am boring them.

DH needs to move out of ex-shared property but making no effort. I am paying for everything. When I said I would not pay any more (for 2 properties rent and bills) he went nuts and said he was OD'ing. He has not done this so far though. I have a small inheritance that I used to move out. I have no money left. He doesn't work, has no savings and still expects me to bail him out.

I just feel alone and lonely. I miss my Dad (dec'd June 2011). I wish I could talk to him. I feel miserable, yet remind myself there are so many others far worse off than me and then I feel guilty.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:27

Listen love. This is all so new for you, and you are bewildered.

I got rid of my X (of 10years) a year ago in Feb. I was a MESS for the first 6m.

There a a great deal of organisations to help you, support you and give advice. You are NOT alone, and your life again has HOPE and meaning to it.

First off, you would do well to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That, it will explain to you what happened to you and that it was NONE of your fault. It really helped me understand and I was able to forgive myself the catastrophic mistake of having stayed with him so long.

HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:30

next thing is to keep talking to us. Either here or on the Support for those in Emotional Abuse situations www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1425123-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-7

There are lots of links and resources at the top of that thread, at the top of the forum here and there are many, many MANY of us who have been where you are today.

We ALL of us are glad that we got out, not ONE of us has ever regretted getting out. I'm in awe of you that you did so quickly. That is impressive! really!

Be proud of yourself! You did a good thing there!

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:30

Sorry Houdini, can you point me in the right direction of the WA link?

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:34

This is now YOUR life and the first lesson you learn upon reclaiming it from an abuser is How to Say No!! Grin

Use phrases like, 'that doesn't work for me', No, can't do that.

Don't say 'sorry', or 'no I don't think I can do that. Short, and direct and repeat as required. Remember No is a complete sentence! Grin

Now that you are setting the rules for your life, if you don't want to deal with him, you don't have to!

Empowering isn't it! Grin

WRT the legal stuff, go to the CAB and learn what you can and can't do, get someone to give you some advice, you may even qualify for legal aid.. you never know!

HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:36

here is the link from the top of this forum

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Click on it and there are links there with descriptions of what the organisations are.

butterfingerz · 02/04/2012 23:05

He is continuing his emotional abuse isn't he? You need to stop enabling him. He abused your son yet you will hand over money to pay a deposit and 1st months rent, wow, how does your son feel about that? That could be like £2k that could pay for a wonderful holiday for you both or go into his trust fund.

Really, how did he survive before he met you?

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2012 23:51

"How can they let him go so quick? Why has he not been kept in hospital for a psych referral"

Because he doesn't meet the critera set under the Mental Health Act,for sectioning.

He knows how to play you and that is what he is doing, you are buying into it.

"I sympathise with him but I can't help him any more"

Where is this sympathy coming from? He has mistreated you and your child.
He isn't asking for any help for his MH problems, he could have voluntary sectioned himself (in laymans terms).

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2012 23:52

OP have you spoken to anyone or seen evidence, a diagnosis, of your DH's MH problems?

veritythebrave · 03/04/2012 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 03/04/2012 20:52

Think I have finally got him some help. I am walking away though. Thank you for your support.

NEXT problem? Come on I'm ready for you :)

OP posts:
Dee03 · 03/04/2012 22:14

Good for you Crystal Smile

Abitwobblynow · 04/04/2012 07:58

I feel responsible

And THAT is his hook. If you don't pay/look after him, he will kill himself.

So what you do, is report his latest threat to kill himself to the police and social services - show them the text. (This gets him to face himself)

Then, stop paying the bills, block his calls and ignore.

Don't bite the hook! You didnt' give birth to him, did you?

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