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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lonely as hell, please help

62 replies

CrystalMaize · 31/03/2012 22:01

Ok, background is split up with DH a month ago. Have DS 13 (not his). Only been married 4 months, DH has MH issues. DS also has MH issues relating to his father.

Left DH due to emotional abuse of me, physical abuse of DS. In the time I've been away, have had approx 20 texts and 10 calls a day from DH threatening to kill himself. Has tapered off in last 3 days. Have 2 good friends in RL plus lovely DM, am so lucky. But can't keep calling them with latest stuff about DH, I feel I am boring them.

DH needs to move out of ex-shared property but making no effort. I am paying for everything. When I said I would not pay any more (for 2 properties rent and bills) he went nuts and said he was OD'ing. He has not done this so far though. I have a small inheritance that I used to move out. I have no money left. He doesn't work, has no savings and still expects me to bail him out.

I just feel alone and lonely. I miss my Dad (dec'd June 2011). I wish I could talk to him. I feel miserable, yet remind myself there are so many others far worse off than me and then I feel guilty.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
veritythebrave · 01/04/2012 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veritythebrave · 01/04/2012 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses · 01/04/2012 12:27

Hi Crystal, it's encouraging to come on this morning and see more people giving you good advice. I hope you don't feel so alone - a lot of us have been manipulated in this way and it's very cruel behaviour. You sound worn down. Please get your mum and friends to help you free yourself of this man once and for all.

It's a seperate issue but you say your son has problems related to his father? Stay single for a while and concentrate on healing you and your son. Imagine a carefree summer!

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 12:41

OP-if you phone the police or MH EDT, make it clear that you are not comnected to him and are not to be contacted, as he may well try to nominate you as his next of kin.

Pass on the suicide threats and nothing more, if he is sectioned, that will be the choice of the AMHP (Approved Mental Health Practictioner), which is a MH SW, and two doctors.

It sounds as though he is trying to make you take responsibility for him going into hospital, don't buy into this.

Do the minimum and then distance yourself.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 12:45

Re-read the posts.

I wouldn't phone the police tbh, if you are going to take action ,contact the MH team during the day, show the suicide texts, then contact the police to stop this man (that is all he is to you now), from harrassing you.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 01/04/2012 18:10

Thank you all for your advice, some great stuff there. It's good to be listened to!

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Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 19:55

He's at it again! Called me in tears, I said I'd call back in half hour. Did so, wouldn't answer phone. Texted and called for 3 hours, got reply that was incomprehensible. Now what?

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Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 19:55

He sent another message "death is the better option". Feel like I'm playing roulette here.

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 02/04/2012 20:16

Disengage Crystal, seriously. Don't ring text or anything. Switch your phone off. He is manipulating you. Easy for me to say I know.

Does he have any family? If he does, why not ring them and hand the problem over to them.

It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to not take responsibility for his behaviour.

DorisIsWaiting · 02/04/2012 20:22

Concentrate on YOU and your DS now. He is aware of all your calls and texts he's happy he knows you are worrying, he's making you pay (in his mind) for daring to leave.

Really really really the BEST thing you could do would be to block his number, however I don't think you are anywhere near to doing that. You need to access counselling to help you understand that as a grown man he alone is responsible for what he chooses to do. Even if he has convinced you it is all your fault he is in this situation IT'S NOT!

Really until you accept that basic fact he will be able to play with you, toying with your emotions and messing with your head. This is when you should be concentrating on your ds who you are responsible for.

If you really must contact the crisis team. then block his number.

Dee03 · 02/04/2012 20:26

I agree with everything other people have said on here...please ignore this man, he is not your responsibility. He is a grown man...end of!
Good luck

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2012 21:11

By saying that you would phone back and then do nothing when he didn't answer for three hours, means that you are ignoring all that has been said to you.

Why agree to call back? It wasn't out of concern over a suicide threat, because otherwise you would have phoned the police/EDT, as advised?

You need to decide what it is that you want. That might sound hard, but you are now allowing him to manipulate you. Where as you could have put an end to this.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:07

He cut his wrists. I got the ambulance out to him. It was a poor attempt. The police came (because a knife was involved). He is now back home. I didn't go. YES I have been manipulated AGAIN.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:10

How can they let him go so quick? Why has he not been kept in hospital for a psych referral?

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Dee03 · 02/04/2012 22:13

Who knows why, but like everyone on here is saying it's not really your problem is it!
You do need to detach from this man completely for your own sanity ....

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:17

Ugh, I've had enough. I have to see him tomorrow (legal stuff). I am so tired of this. I sympathise with him but I can't help him any more. I know he slashed his wrists as the neighbour told me, but I just feel it was so "text-book". Otherwise I would not have believed it.

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HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:20

OK you have to stop this now.

Tell him that you left him because he abused you, that you have a right and a need to leave him and that if he chooses to kill himself it's HIS choice and frankly it'd save you a lot of money if he did.

Tell him that he is responsible for his own life, his own crimes against you and the reason why you have left him. Tell him that you have a RIGHT to life, a right to freedom, respect and to end the relationship how and when you want to. Tell him that none of this should come as a surprise to him, given that you have been begging him to stop being cruel to you for AGES, and that as he has chosen NOT to stop, you have rightly chosen to END it. he had the opportunity to be a better man, he chose not to take it. his choice.

Give notice on the tenancy, change all the bills to his name and get OUT.

His shenanigans are holding a gun to YOUR head. He's abusing you now more than he was when you lived with him.

Call WA for support, but also RESPECT. They are a govt funded body set up for the perpetrators of DV who want to stop abusing. Stunningly enough, they are not that busy (who'd have thought it eh? Shock) but they are masters at advising victims what techniques these abusers are using and how to combat them.

Seriously, give them a go.

In the mean time, don't call him, don't panic, don't text. Switch your phone OFF.

Better yet, get yourself a new phone with another number and migrate everyone else to the new number. isolate him.

You are free, you get to control your life. Not him. he lost that right when he abused you and your DC.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:21

I know I need to detach, it's so hard when he says I'm the only person he's got. He has a cousin, that's all. No friends. And yes, that's odd.

Thanks for all your comments, I do appreciate it.

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HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:21

You DON'T have to see him tomorrow. Get your solicitor to deal with him.

Cut contact.

Dee03 · 02/04/2012 22:22

All I know is if someone is serious about committing suicide then they will do it... 1st time....end of!
He is not serious about ending his life but he is serious about making your life a misery....

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:23

Thanks Houdini, what is WA?

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HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:23

OK, if you are the only person he has, why has he chosen to treat you like something he ffing stepped in? TELL him that. If you are that lonely, you make damned sure you take care of what you DO have.

Sorry, but FUCK him! LET him do what he wants to do. The world WOULD be a better place with one less abusive arsehole.

Bloody well done on getting out so soon! You have a real chance at recovering well and fast from this, but not until you get this one out of your life.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:24

Don't have a solicitor. But you are right, I don't have to see him tomorrow.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 02/04/2012 22:24

Woman's Aid. The links are all at the top of this forum.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 02/04/2012 22:26

Thanks Houdini.

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