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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So close to leaving. Am I overreacting?

34 replies

QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 12:21

DP and I have 2 children. Things have been really hard lately with DS insisting on sleeping in our bed, so sex hasn't really happened much and generally one of us has to sleep on the couch each night as there's not enough space for all three of us in the bed.
Generally DP is nice and we get on well. The problem is that when it's not good it's bloody awful. This morning we've had a row because I was struggling to do something and he called me useless. Cue row with him shouting at me that I'm always struggling and I never manage to do anything and I'm fucking useless and thick and I should use my fucking noodle. When I point out why I was struggling he called me a pathalogical fucking liar. He says it's impossible to have a conversation with me because I refuse to look at the facts. I think it's impossible because he gets irate and refuses to ever look at anyone else's point of view.
He is always right, I am always wrong. He never apologises to me, no matter how hurtful he is.
I'm fed up. I don't want to be a single mum. And I'm scared because I know he'll never accept a compromise arrangement over the children. He will be utterly ruthless.
But I don't think you should ever call someone you love useless and pathetic. I'm NOT useless and I'm NOT thick. I really didn't see us ending up this way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2012 12:26

Presumably your children heard all of his diatribe towards you as well; what are they learning from him, not just to say you as well, about how relationships are conducted?. Your children could well go onto copy his behaviours towards you and use such foul language on you to boot.

I would say its not you but him. Such men do not change either as to such men their woman is seen as a mere possession or thing to boss about and or lord over.

I would seek legal advice as soon as possible on all aspects of separation from him.

You do not have to stay within this and your children won't thank you if you chose to do so.

Flisspaps · 31/03/2012 12:29

How is being a single parent any worse than living with someone who thinks you're stupid, a liar and who never apologises to you when they're wrong? He doesn't sound particularly nice to me Sad

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 12:31

I would rather be a single mother than live with someone who shows me such disrespect

My father was like this when I was a child. he started on my mother, then on us kids as we grew up

I have next to no relationship with him, and a strained one with my mother as she has stayed with him for 45 years of this shit

Original poster
QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 12:34

Attila, yes the children were there. He's shouted and sworn at me in front of them before. I don't believe he loves me. I wouldn't treat someone I love like that.
AF you're right on that one. I don't want my kids growing up to think this is normal in a relationship.
I just don't know if I have the courage to make the leap.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 12:37

Stay then...my mother did

She is a shell of a person

Hassled · 31/03/2012 12:41

If you think he'll be a bastard over the children then it's probably worth making notes somewhere now over the when and wheres he's done this sort of stuff - i.e. been verbally abusive in the children's hearing.

Remember you don't need to rush anything - I know that "fight or flight" panic thing kicks in but actually, take your time, work out the finances, know where you stand and then make a decision. I can tell you that I've been a single parent and it was a hell of a lot easier than the shit you're putting up with.

clam · 31/03/2012 12:47

Start planning for "just in case" then. Doesn't commit you to anything if you're not ready for that leap yet, but it will make you feel a bit better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2012 12:48

"I just don't know if I have the courage to make the leap".

It is daunting to leave (help is out there though, you have to take the first and often the most hardest step to access it) but its a damn sight scarier to stay and your children will accuse you longer term of putting him before them. They heard yet again his tirade of abuse towards you; your children are learning from him as well as you as to how relationships are conducted. Is this really the legacy you want to leave these young people; to have them as adults potentially further abuse their partners the same as you are now?.

If you were to stay with this man for the long haul he will bleed you dry emotionally and you will end up as a husk of the person you are now. You will no longer recognise yourself which is what he wants.

You are not his emotional punchbag. The strength is there within you still now because you've posted here and you know his treatment of you and (by turn the children) is wrong. Act on this anger you have towards him now and take action to better your lives. He only sees you as someone to boss around and rule over; your self worth and esteem will take and I would argue has taken a real battering at his hands.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2012 12:51

Queen,

re your comment also:-
"And I'm scared because I know he'll never accept a compromise arrangement over the children".

Such men use their woman's weakest spot i.e the children, to further intimidate their partner. He is not interested in the children, he will threaten all sorts of unwarranted threats re them in order to get you to stay.

This is about power and control; abuse is about power and control.

suburbophobe · 31/03/2012 12:52

He sounds a controlling bully.

It might seem like a huge leap now (and that's o.k., there will come a tipping point)....

Believe you me, life is sweet without those types around!!

No more tiptoeing around on egg shells, wondering when it's coming....ah, the peace!

Your children will thank you for it.

Original poster
QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 13:04

Yes, it's the actual process of separation that will be the hardest thing I guess.
What would be first steps in planning and preparation? I can't just up sticks and go straight away. I have no money and nowhere to go at the moment. So what do I do first?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 13:09

Nobody said you have to leave your house.

Tell him your marriage is over. Start divorce proceedings. That is what I would do.

Yes, he will be an arse about it, but he is an arse anyway.

Even if he won't leave immediately, when your marriage is dissolved and child care arrangements sorted, he will have to find somewhere else

suburbophobe · 31/03/2012 13:19

Start collecting/copying documents that you will need....

Squirraling away bits of money here and there. When you say you don't have any, does he control all the money too? (sorry if you've said so before).

Original poster
QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 13:19

we don't own our house, we rent, so I'm not sure what the situation would be there. We're not married either, so I'm not sure how things work in that case. I guess one of us would just have to leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 13:20

Yes he controls the money. He give me £20 a month for a debt repayment arrangement that comes out of my account. I have no way to squirrel away money.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 13:22

you are "not sure" because you haven't armed yourself with the facts

find out all these things you are "not sure" about and you will start to see a way forward

thousands of people split up every year, what is so different in your situation

I am not simply being mean here, love, but if you really wanted to split, you woud find a way

my mother made excuses for years not to take control of her life....now she is growing old with a man who despises her

Original poster
QueenofDreams · 31/03/2012 13:26

AF - not making excuses. Trying to arm myself with information as you say :) I guess I just don't have a clue where to start. But I know I need to find out. I have no intention of living out the rest of my life treading on eggshells like this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 13:26

make an appt with the CAB, benefits office and find a family law solicitor that gives free half hour consultations

there is help for you

he is also being financially abusive towards you, so would be woth ringing Women's Aid too. They have heard it all before, love, really they have.

he has a financial responsibility to support his children, and benefits are there for a reason (and thank God for them as a safety cushion which means women do not have to stay with men like this unless thy want to)

MagsAloof · 31/03/2012 13:27

The way he speaks to you is not right. I dont blame you at all for wanting out.

tallwivglasses · 31/03/2012 13:30

He doesn't care if he hurts you, he doesn't care if he swears at you and insults you in front of the children. This will slowly but surely grind you down and make you ill.

And if he doesn't start on the children, the children will start on you - I've seen it happen. Why should they show an ounce of respect for you when their father treats you like shit on his shoe?

You are NOT useless, you are NOT thick and YOU DO DESERVE to be treated like a human being, QueenofDreams.

Look at your nickname. Dream a little - of a life in a happy house with your lovely children, and maybe one day a new man who cherishes you...that dream could be reality one day.

Lindt70Percent · 31/03/2012 14:02

Not overreacting at all!

I grew up with a Dad like this as well. My Mum stayed with him and they've now been together for over 40 years. He used to say if he left he would never have anything to do with us children which I think would have been a good thing. Mum's reasons for not going now are that she knows he would make her life very difficult and also what would people say?!?!?!?!

As a child my father used to play golf on a Saturday morning which was the best time of the week. We would all sit downstairs together but as soon as we heard his car arrive home we'd all run upstairs to our bedrooms.

I have come out of this relatively unscathed but my brothers and sister have been very badly affected - serious mental health problems, alcohol & drug addictions, relationships with other people who treated them badly etc. I am affected in that I let other people walk all over me and am not sure how to feel angry in that I worry if I let myself get angry I will be like him - I'm not sure what's appropriate anger and what isn't. However, I have a lovely husband, no addictions etc.

I've been telling my Mum to leave since I was 6. In many ways it's her I feel the most angry with now as she was the one who could have changed things but didn't.

I do understand how hard it would be to make the break but think of you and your children and look to the future. You don't want to be putting up with this for 40+ years.

I really hope you manage to break free.

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 14:22

Lindt, I agree with you

Although I hate my father, I actually have the least respect for my mother

Goawaybob · 31/03/2012 14:28

Does someone have the number of Women's Aid, they will be able to point you in the direction of some real local help. You need a solicitor and you need to contact the council to find out about housing. Its going to be tough but you'll get through it.

Things can be shite when the LOs are young its hard, people are tired and tempers fray, maybe ask him to attend some counselling?

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 14:35

There are lnks to support services at the top of this thread

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 14:35

*links