So close to leaving. Am I overreacting?

[QueenofDreams]

DP and I have 2 children. Things have been really hard lately with DS insisting on sleeping in our bed, so sex hasn't really happened much and generally one of us has to sleep on the couch each night as there's not enough space for all three of us in the bed.
Generally DP is nice and we get on well. The problem is that when it's not good it's bloody awful. This morning we've had a row because I was struggling to do something and he called me useless. Cue row with him shouting at me that I'm always struggling and I never manage to do anything and I'm fucking useless and thick and I should use my fucking noodle. When I point out why I was struggling he called me a pathalogical fucking liar. He says it's impossible to have a conversation with me because I refuse to look at the facts. I think it's impossible because he gets irate and refuses to ever look at anyone else's point of view.
He is always right, I am always wrong. He never apologises to me, no matter how hurtful he is.
I'm fed up. I don't want to be a single mum. And I'm scared because I know he'll never accept a compromise arrangement over the children. He will be utterly ruthless.
But I don't think you should ever call someone you love useless and pathetic. I'm NOT useless and I'm NOT thick. I really didn't see us ending up this way.

why is the kid in the bed?
im not surprised tempers are frayed when sleep is disrupted every night

keep the kid in its own bed, all get proper sleep and things will seem a lot different

really helpful advice there jemsgem Fucking hate people who refer to children as kids in the singular - kids is just about ok, kid is vile

Sleep disruption is horrid and tempers do flare when tired. Could you possible have a spare bed even if its a put me up for one of you to sleep on.

He is being a cunt, but i think you owe it to yourselves to try and get to the bottom of it. May turn out he just IS a cunt and you leave him, but it could be salvagable, IF he is willing to change - counselling would be a good indication he is willing to try.

I have to agree with others. My father was a violent alcoholic that my mother chose to stay with - even though we begged her to leave him. She said she had to stay "for the kids". There has never been any acknowledgement from her that we might have actually been affected by growing up in such a household.

Plan & prepare for separation. If it doesn't happen because things improve - great!. If not - sling your DP out once you've got yourself sorted and make sure your parting words are that you "used your fucking noodle".

WA site and 0808 2000 247.

Yes he controls the money. He give me £20 a month for a debt repayment arrangement that comes out of my account.

This is horrendous. You have to get yourself down to CAB immediately on Monday! Just to have someone on your side, tell you what is (legally) right and wrong.

How does he control your account? All money he earns is owned by both of you. At least half should be in your account, otherwise all in a joint account (best there should be 3, joint, his and yours).

How do you shop for food? DC's/your own clothes? household stuff? (Again, sorry if I missed that info).

goaway men like that usually refuse counselling unless ready and willing to change. Mostly they prefer the control freakery. And will do anything in their power to blame the partner to keep the status quo. Not all therapists can see through their manipulation. Better for OP to go for counselling alone.

Suburb - all the money goes into his account. He does the groceries. I don't really buy clothes as we're not very well off at the moment (to be fair he doesn't either) If I go to the shops then he'll transfer some money to my account to get what we need.

And you're right there's no way he would go for counselling. I'm the problem not him as far as he's concerned.

You may well be the problem as far as he's concerned but the truth is he is wrong. He is the problem as is the way he chooses to behave.
Sleep disruption and lack of sex is absolutely no excuse for the abuse he is subjecting you and your children to.

Go to the CAB, solicitor etc and find out where you stand - knowledge is power. Then you can start making plans to end this. You deserve better, as do your children.

I am rubbish at advice but my feeling is, if you couldn't do something it really isn't that big a deal. Him calling you names is. He is the one in the wrong and you deserve so much better, so do your future son/daughter in laws..

QoD, you are in an abusive relationship.

He is destroying you and your children. You are NOT over-reacting. Tbf, you are under reacting, but it's understandable.

Getting him out of your life is the ONLY option that will improve things. The idea of separation is harder than the actual action. TRUST ME. As soon as you are away, it starts getting better. When he is out of your life, at least the day to day stuff, at least there is HOPE. Right now, there is none. Not a chance of what you are living getting any better at all. It won't. Not EVER. It will only ever get worse and worse.

Counselling is a NO-NO, never EVER should you agree to counselling with an abuser, he will only use it to gang up on you and inflict more damage and pain on you and the DC.

The first thing you need to do is recognise that none of this is any of your fault. He is choosing to do this to you, he feels entitled to bully and abuse you like this. he could technically stop tomorrow, but he won't. EVER.

Get yourself informed. Go and see the CAB, go to the benefits people and tell them that you need to claim for you and you only, and that your P is taking all your money from you.

Call Woman's Aid, tell them what you have told us, they will help you when the time comes. Go and see your GP, you will eventually need referral for counselling services, your children too may need help to recover from this abuse. Tell as many people as you can. You need to establish a paper trail. The more people that know the truth, the more people will help you, and you will be protected from him if he tries to get nasty wrt access to the DC.

Time to be strong, brave and go into battle. You are saving your DC from a life of this, look at the posts here from those whose mum never got out. See what happened to them and their siblings.