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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I mad!

43 replies

BuwchBywiog · 30/03/2012 14:02

MY DP has decided he's fallen out of love with me and wants to find himself, he's bored of his life and wants to start afresh. We've been together for 14 years and have had a lot of ups and downs but have always managed to work through them, we've only just got sorted financially after failed businesses etc and I'd just began to look forward to being able to afford to lots of good things as a family. We'd booked a break over Easter with the DC's which he's still coming with us. He told me on mothers day that he didn't love me and wanted to move out and he's found a place to rent that is about 10 minutes walk away. It will be three weeks since he told me that he wanted to leave before he actually does move out. I don't know what's going on, there is nobody else involved but he just wants to find himself again.
These past couple of days I've been finding myself wanting sex with him all the time, of course being a man he's happy to oblige but still doesn't feel anything towards me. Am I going to feel worse because I'm doing this, its the only way I can cope at the moment. I just feel like I'm going insane. I have counselling sessions booked for when we come back from the holiday as I know I'm going to find it very hard once he does leave. He still wants to come round every day to see the DC's, its like he wants to leave me but still be part of the family. I'm finding it totally confusing!

OP posts:

2cats2many · 30/03/2012 14:04

Are you sure there's no one else?

Original poster

BuwchBywiog · 30/03/2012 14:08

I think he would have admitted it by now if there was. He doesn't have the time for anyone else either, says he doesn't want anyone for a while yet that he wants to find himself and get his head sorted before thinking of a relationship with someone new.

OP posts:

Hassled · 30/03/2012 14:20

So he doesn't love you and wants to "find himself" but yet he:
is still living with you
is still having sex with you
is still going on holiday with you

and you think you're the one who's mad? He wants to have his cake, eat it and then get seconds.

Stop sleeping with him, just as a self-preservation measure. You're making yourself even more vulnerable. See what the counsellor reckons.

PeppaIsBack · 30/03/2012 14:20

I don't think that him coming everyday to 'see the dcs' in a good idea.
Or I should say, good for him (he can do the 'good bits' of parenting and then leave to have 'his' life like if he was single). you on the other side, will be reminded again and again of what you have lost. You won't get any free time, will still with the hassle that comes with bringing up kids and will not be allowed to move on.

I would strongly advice you to organize visits of the dcs at his house, having done some arrangements before hand (like he has the dcs on tuesday evening and every saturdays, ring them on the other days).

Counselling sounds a really good idea.

CrispsForBreakfast · 30/03/2012 14:21

Hi BB
I can't off much help here but I'm sure there will be people with sound advice for you come along very soon.

I just wanted to say, no you're not going mad...you're emotions are being played with. I would say stop having sex with him. I understand why you want to, almost like you want to cling to what is normal and safe? Well it's not fair on you for him to claim he doesn't love you and wants to 'find' himself but yet still have the comfort of having sex with his wife!

I'm not saying be nasty to him, just protect your emotions, no cuddles, no sex.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

PeppaIsBack · 30/03/2012 14:22

Re the having sex with him, I can understand that. did that with one of my exs.
The thing is it only prolong things, you carry on living in hope of something that is never going to happen.
What you do need is for him to move oput and stop any contact with him other than for the dcs.

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 14:26

The self-indulgence of this man takes my breath away. He's bored & wants to find himself, so he is just going to move out & leave you with your DCs. He'll pop around when it suits him - but the rest of the time he will be living his "exciting" new life finding himself - while you become the single parent of your children.
That is outrageous and to top it all, you are rewarding his monumental selfishness by having loads of sex. He must think all his Christmases have come at once.
Have you not been angry & outraged that he could behave like this towards you & your DCs?

MissFaversham · 30/03/2012 14:27

Bloody hell, another selfish bastard (not you OP by the way) HIM.

I second everything Hassle has said.

NatashaBee · 30/03/2012 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BuwchBywiog · 30/03/2012 14:39

Yes I have been angry and outraged, I've been through every emotion going I don't know really know what I'm doing. Is it fair on the DC's if I say he can't see them everyday.

He really is very selfish isn't he, I wish I could just let go of him, I know I deserve better.

Thank you all for your advice and support, no doubt I'll be needing a lot during the next few weeks.

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 14:46

He is the one choosing to leave the family home. How does he see this "seeing the DCs" every day working? Will there be a set time that he is going to come over? I don't know what age your children are, but is he going to supervise homework, cook them supper and get them ready for bed? Or is he just going to pop by for half an hour as it suits him, so he doesn't feel guilty?

This should be more than about "seeing the DCs", this should be about how does he plan to be a parent to your DCs - given he is moving out because he is bored & needs to find himself.

OMG - just livid on on your behalf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

BuwchBywiog · 30/03/2012 14:51

They are 6 and 4 and yes he thinks he can come visit on his way home from work every night and play with them for a bit, occasionally put them bed and then sod off to leave me with them in tears not understanding why their dad wants to live in a little house down the road, he thinks they'll be fine because he is so near. I told him the other night that if they're getting upset that he's not allowed to see them every day, he then of course put me on a guilt trip by saying its not their fault that I've pushed him to the brink of no return and made him fall out of love with me! (he really is an arse isn't he!)

OP posts:

PeppaIsBack · 30/03/2012 14:59

'made him fall out of love with you!!!'

Sorry he is an arse.

Concentrate on your dcs and take whatever decidion is best for them.
If that means that seeing daday everyday and seeing him leave is too hard for them htne it should NOT happen. End of.

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 15:05

That is absolute pants BB. Those visits are not about your DCs, they are about your H not wanting to feel guilty.
I am a single mum & I feel very strongly that children should get to see both their parents. I have always encouraged my ex-H to see the children - but on terms that are consistent & fair to them - not what fits into his schedule.
I would suggest you tell your DCs that Daddy is going on holiday / business trip for a couple of weeks and you tell your ex-H that he has to stop coming around for a while, as it is upsetting you & the children.
That will give you a bit of breathing space so that you can have a think about the best way forward from here for you & the DCs & not your unbelievably selfish H.

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 15:16

Of course he can see the dc every day - at his place, not in your home.

For sheer flaming cheek and brass nerve your h takes the . 'Arse' doesn't even come near describing him!

Stop clinging to his cock ankles, honey. This thread will see you through and out the other side of these dark times for you and your dc.

If you act on the advice you'll be given here I suspect that he'll soon realise that the only place he wants to 'find himself' is back in the marital home, but whether you'll be prepared to give him that option will be another matter entirely.

fiventhree · 30/03/2012 15:20

And it wouldnt hurt him to be just a little inconvenienced by his choices. Rather than leaving you to pick up the pieces and fit in around his wants.

clam · 30/03/2012 15:38

I wouldn't rule out there being another woman.
The number of women on here who say their exes swore blind for many months there was no one else, even when confronted with evidence...

Dreamless · 30/03/2012 15:45

Of course you feel like you're going mad, you're completely open to him and allowing him to rub your heart raw. The first thing you need to do is stop having sex with him (as everyone else has already said). This is what is keeping you open and defenceless against his hurtful selfishness. Put up a few (emotional) barriers up around your heart to minimise any further hurt his selfishness will no doubt cause. Once you've done that you can begin to clear your head and regain some sanity.

CrispsForBreakfast · 30/03/2012 15:47

Sorry there were so many spelling/typos in my first post, I was rushing as I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

BB - protect yourself, if you are ok the kids will be ok. Ask yourself what do you want? If you don't want him coming in everyday and upsetting the kids, so be it. Take back the control.

Original poster

BuwchBywiog · 30/03/2012 15:49

He's very brave if there is another woman, the house he's planning to move to is only a short distance between my mothers and my sisters so he's either really stupid or telling the truth.

izzyin - my GP thinks the same, but I don't want to put my hopes on that and maybe I won't actually want him back either once I find it easier than I think to cope without him.

I'm not letting him get everything his own way, he will soon realise what he's doing and what he's missing out on, I'm just not quite sure I'm strong enough to do that yet, I will be I know I have my friends and family around me and I will get stronger with the counselling too. I know you guys here will help me through, I'm feeling more positive already.

Maybe I should buy a vibrator for when I'm feeling horny hey!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 15:52

Rabbits are a gal's best friend, honey

BalloonSlayer · 30/03/2012 15:54

Does he have to come on holiday? (I mean do you not drive and the only way to get there is to drive so he has to come sort of thing?) If No - tell him he is not coming.

Him: Why?
You: Because you have decided you don't want to be part of this family any more. You don't get to decide everything. You have decided that you want to leave. I have decided that you don't come on holiday with us.

Is the place he is moving out to ready for him to move in?

Yes? - tell him to leave now
No? - tell him to leave now and stay in a hotel

Him Why?
You: Because you have decided you don't want to be part of this family any more. You don't get to decide everything. You have decided that you want to leave. I have decided that you leave now.

You will notice that the two answers are virtually identical.

I really recommend that you keep reiterating, that HE has made his decision, but he doesn't get to make ALL the decisions.

It will shock him to buggery.

Jemma1111 · 30/03/2012 16:05

If he goes I don't think it will be long before he tells you he's ' just met someone ', sorry to say but I really think he has someone else already, men do not generally leave their wife and kids unless they have someone waiting for them.

Please keep strong and don't make things easy for him !

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 16:07

Some of them are not that stupid.

If he's more cunning than the average twat we read about here what he considers to be a decent interval (of weeks rather than months) will elapse before he discloses that, in the process of 'finding himself', he's found an ow.

As the truth always wills out, it won't come as any surprise to regular readers of this board if it eventually transpires that he stumbled across the ow some considerable time before he made his insensitively timed announcement on Mother's Day 2012.

Which is all the more reason for you to dictate terms from the off, sweetie.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/03/2012 16:43

Have a nice time finding yourself.

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