Am I mad!

[BuwchBywiog]

MY DP has decided he's fallen out of love with me and wants to find himself, he's bored of his life and wants to start afresh. We've been together for 14 years and have had a lot of ups and downs but have always managed to work through them, we've only just got sorted financially after failed businesses etc and I'd just began to look forward to being able to afford to lots of good things as a family. We'd booked a break over Easter with the DC's which he's still coming with us. He told me on mothers day that he didn't love me and wanted to move out and he's found a place to rent that is about 10 minutes walk away. It will be three weeks since he told me that he wanted to leave before he actually does move out. I don't know what's going on, there is nobody else involved but he just wants to find himself again.
These past couple of days I've been finding myself wanting sex with him all the time, of course being a man he's happy to oblige but still doesn't feel anything towards me. Am I going to feel worse because I'm doing this, its the only way I can cope at the moment. I just feel like I'm going insane. I have counselling sessions booked for when we come back from the holiday as I know I'm going to find it very hard once he does leave. He still wants to come round every day to see the DC's, its like he wants to leave me but still be part of the family. I'm finding it totally confusing!

No, no, you are not mad.
As said above, there is an OW. He has no intention of " finding" himself by taking up finger painting in some attic somewhere.
Stop doubting yourself and start calling the shots.!

Are you a SAHM? I can't imagine how he would react if you reversed the situation...Decide to rent a place but still be a part time mum when it suited you. It's so selfish but I also suspect OW. Men don't often leave without an emotional backup.How was the relationship before this bombshell?

You are not married - is the house owned and in joint names?

It's inevitable that there is an OW in the mix here. Sorry, but I've never known this happen (even the words used) and it not to be the case.

This particular other woman though has got her own place and so the house that is proximate to your spies is a red herring to put you off the scent.

He is alternately blaming you because he feels guilty and keeping you sweet in case the new relationship founders.

This is what I'd advise. You tell him that you need to make a clean break and get on with your life. That he must have the children at his place and stop coming to the house because it will confuse the kids terribly and it's not his home any more. While the children are there, he must do everything for them - wash their clothes, cook their meals and have them there overnight. He's now a single parent and must do everything that the role entails.

This will of course cramp his style terribly and get in the way of the new relationship.

Right now he thinks he's got away with it and to an extent, you've let him. Stop acting like a doormat and stop hoping that sex is going to lure him back because it won't. Your self-respect and dignity need to be re-captured.

Yep! There is definitely an OW! Be strong, AIM - Very sorry for what you are going through! Listen to MN'ers- you will receive such wonderful care and advice!!! Good luck!

Print off and laminate Hatty's words, honey. She's pointed the way and that is so the way to go.

It's ime for him to buy airbeds and sleeping bags so that the dc can camp out in his new place every weekend until he organises a bedroom for them...

Thank you everyone I'm so grateful for your advice, I don't know if I'm ready to let my kids stay elsewhere over night.

I'm not a SAHM, I work full time, have had to because of the debts he's got us into in the past, we had to sell our house a couple of years ago because we couldn't afford it and we now rent a house from my dad. I have done so much for him over the years, stopped him from going bankrupt how stupid was I! Supported him through our son's medical issues and life saving surgery and this is how he repays me. It would break the kids hearts if I said he couldn't come on holiday so I have to put my feelings to one side for their sakes, they've been through enough already. He will hurt them when he leaves I'm not starting it by refusing to let him come with us. I did try to cancel but would have lost the money so its a no win situation.

I think if there is an OW then at least all this makes sense because I really can't get my head around him just leaving for the sake of leaving. He's a weak, selfish man. He suffers from depression and its me who's the one who'll be left worrying that he'll be sinking deeper once he's moved out. I know I'm a mug but it takes a long time for people to change.

He really does think we're going to continue being the best of friends after all this happens.

In that case, he's living in cloud cuckoo land. Best friends, my arse! Or, in this case, your arse^ in every sense of the word.

If there is an ow I would suggest that you wish her luck with her new arse.

There is an OW

What I suggest you do is seek legal advice, start divorce proceedings, get your share of the finances and sort out proper contact time with the dc away from your house

has he bought this other house or is he renting ?

have you google the address...you may find it actually belongs to someone else

yes, you would be mad to stand passively by while he takes the piss and opts out of all his responsibilities to his family, whilst simultaneously making you feel you have to STFU about it by blaming you for his dysfunction

if he wants out...let him go....but not at your expense

oh, yes stop shagging him and tell him his holiday is off the agenda

he made his choice

I'm not a betting woman, but I would bet my house that, yes, there is another woman. Sorry.

Yuk - a man who is having his cake and eating it, he must be in heaven having two women on the go.

You can stop this by changing how you deal with it.

He can still be the DC's father.

The kids need to get used to the fact hes left- sooner will be better for them than later. And keep the blame for the sorry mess where it belongs- with him. You're acting as if you owe him, you don't

Honestly love you'll be making a rod for your own back if you get precious about the kids staying elsewhere. He's their father and he ought to be capable of looking after his own children. It also means you'll get a break and can get on with your own life, including (and tell him this) dating other people when you feel up to it.

He obviously thinks that parenthood starts and ends with a few games before bed and a bath if the kids are lucky. He needs to live the shitty end of parenting for 48 hours at a time, doing everything a single parent does. It's what he should do but the bonus is that it will disrupt his fantasy love affair no end

You must think "rise above this" when in his company. You sit down with him, lay down the ground rules. No arguing. Tell him he's decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, you have accepted that and are attempting to move on. He will see your children in his house, on his allocated days. Tell him that you will need that free time anyway, as you're planning to perhaps go out socially and that it's not fair to expect you to be at his beck and call. If he has a life away from the family, so will you. Say this serenely: Do not get emotional. Even if you're not, pretend to his face that you've over him, because he's getting off on you clinging to him.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I don't reckon you're a Buwch at all :o

please try and re think this holiday situation.
I once did what you are thinking of doing and it was a miserable time for me and the kids the ex yes ex now, was in total denial which just made it worse.

Your dcs will know something is up between you.

I suggest you tell the dcs that daddy has to work so grandma or friend is coming instead.
That way you will have time to gather your thoughts and I also second him having the dids athis house when he sees them.

I iknow you are hurting but really please think of the long term and stop letting him take the piss.

where have you gone, OP ?

on holiday already ?

I hope you told him his place is cancelled

Oh my goodness, your story could be mine. Please re think the holiday!, My husband also said he needed space and 3 mths later i found out he had been shagging one of my son's friends mum!!!! Before i knew i invited him to Christmas dinner because i thought it would be the right thing to do for the kids. It was bloody awful!!! Afterwards the kids said don't do that again mum, the atmosphere was so fake and full of tension. I really do think there is someone else..sorry. I'm 4 mths down the line now after a 23yr marriage, it bloody hurts i know. But you know what ,when i'm sitting on the sofa cuddling my kids, I think i'm the one that's better off here,and you will be too !!! xx

I think there's an OW too I'm afraid and they've had time to plan his civilised exit from your marriage and when a "decent" time has passed, she'll be wheeled out.

Stop the sex now. It makes a million times harder for you and it won't convince him to stay with you. The fact that he's shagging you does not mean he's single. My H happily shagged me while shagging OW. To my shame this was after I found out about OW but I was in out-mistressing the mistress mode.

Do rethink the holiday. Your kids won't be fooled into thinking that mummy and daddy are happy. The atmosphere between the two you is going to be tense to say the least and the kids will pick up on that.

Stay strong.