How to talk to DS about being bullied

[Orchidlady]

I am not sure this is the best place to post this but I know you guys always respond quickly and this is eating me up. I really need to advice on how to help my DS 11. Have noticed in the last week that DS has been bringing home his lunch box untouched, finally got to the bottom of things and it turns out that kids are taunting him about being fat, (he is a little over weight and have taken him to the GP (waiting for blood test) GP is doing tests as a precaution but thinks it is just a stage,) anyway I digress. I really need advice on how to speak to him about this. He was breaking his heart last night, just want to give him coping strategy. The weight will not disappear overnight so have build up his confidence somehow. I feel like I may have contributed to this by taking him to the GP in the first place but I could not understand how is putting on weight, very active, healthy diet something did not seem right. Now feel terrible. .

Sorry, no practical advice, just listen to him, let him talk.
Could you talk to the school counsellor? Hopefully there is someone in school?
Good luck.
It's a horrid thing to deal with. We've been there. It will get better.

you need to work with GP and ask for referal to CAMHS to for a specialist counsellor.

does he particiapte in swimming/football other sport?

could you go cycling with him on weekends?

how is everything else?

what is happening with hs father?

Cest going to wait for the results from blood test, if these come back clear, then need to really examine any secret eating. Always on his bike, plays football, skateboarding, come summer we are always out on the bikes, Being active is not the problem. Why do you ask about DP? do you remember me?

Help him see that bullying is entirely the bullies' problem and not his. Bullies are irrational people, motivated by malice and it doesn't matter if he was fat, thin, tall, short or whatever... they just like picking on people. Encourgage him to talk about what is happening rather than thinking he has to soldier on. Tell him that you are 100% in his corner, the teachers are 100% in his corner and everyone will do everything in their power to fix the bullies. Then get to school, roll up your sleeves and play merry hell with the teaching staff until they actually do something about it. Really make yourself into that nuisance parent you promised you'd never be. When my DS had problems I realise, with regret, that I didn't go in hard enough or soon enough.

To build his confidence, keep encouraging him to take part in activities that give him a sense of achievement. Preferably ones that don't involve any of the children causing him problems. Good luck.

cognito thanks, I am calling the school now, You are right.

yes do remember - but you dont have to give away anything !
just hope everything is good for you otherwise

Poor DS
This is not about his weight, it is about the bullies being mean and enjoying it they will continue to do this as long as they see they are having an effect on him and they are - he isn't eating his lunch - result for the bullies. You need try to get him to see that its not about his weight its about his reaction, thin kids get bullied too (mine did!).

cest you have a good memory, I think my story rang bells with you. I am not worry about giving anything away. DP is much more stable, not perfect but better, I am not sure we are going to make it but that is another story

Orchidlady My DS grows like a Christmas tree - first out, then up. He's podgy half the time, too.

Other posters have come up with some good points about the bullies.

When my kids hit around 11, they did grow a bit of a belly and "chubbed out" a bit so to speak. By 13, they'd grown it out. The bullies need sorting out.

Just spoken to head of year and he is going to speak with DS tutor, just spoekn with finance office and now really upset as it seems DS has been using smart card to buy other people drinks and cakes. How would you apprach this one? anyone?

Go and see the tutor in person and tell them about the smart card usage. (Obviously being forced to do this) What you need is a plan of action i.e. what they will do, when and followed up with feedback. The feedback is particularly important... they have to report back to your satisfaction. If you're not happy with the feedback, bump it up to the head of year, the headteacher, even the LEA until you get what you want. Don't let it drop until DS is 100% happy. My mistake, as I said earlier, was trusting that if they said 'we'll do something' I believed them.

In the meantime, DS has to be totally reassured by both you and the tutor to name names & report any problems, however small or trivial. He will get confidence if he knows he is being backed up & prortected and not abandoned to deal with this solo.

Maybe he is trying to buy peoples affection.

Don't try to fix it straight away because that will put your DS under more pressure. He might start hiding it from you by throwing his lunch away if he thinks you're very stressed or very keen for it to stop. It will take time and persistence. You need to start building up your DS's confidence and the first step to that is just sitting down and listening to him. Don't pour advice on him, just listen to what he has to say. Ask open questions like "How do you feel? Why do you feel like that? What do you think about such and such?" and so on. You might find there are other things going on with him that you don't know about. Once he feels heard he will start to feel less anxious and nervous. Over time he will become less of a target for the bullies because they will realise he is not so easy to break.

In the meantime keep on at the school. Tell them to monitor what's happening. There is a limited amount they can do as older children are good at hiding what's going on but they can still be aware and ensure any open bullying is nipped in the bud.

WRT to the smart card, again you need to ask your son what's going on there. If money is being extorted out of him in the form of drinks and cakes then the school needs to have serious word with the bullies and their parents, to the point of threatening them with the police.

I really don't agree with that advice CailinDana. The pressure is not coming from the child's mother but from the bullies that are taunting him and forcing him to go without lunch and buy them snacks. He is not 'making himself a target' as you seem to be suggesting.... the victim is never the one at fault.

Schools have anti-bullying policies for good reason and these have to be swung into action at the first hint of trouble. This is a Y7 child, a new starter, and they have a particular duty to protect him and make sure school is an enjoyable experience. No-one should be hanging back waiting and monitoring because the poor kid is already on his knees 'breaking his heart' and thinking no-one cares.

Go in hard OrchidLady...

There is a book which has good one line come backs as part of its ways of building kids confidence and addressing bullying. I can't remember them, other than at the time they made sense. The idea of it is to reduce the bullies capacity to taunt. By memory a kids saying X has to wear spectacles etc etc - just replies "yes I do" keeping it very factual - and walks off as if not bothered. I wish I could remember the name of the book ..... but maybe try google - or looking on the online bullying website aimed at kids.

Is the school definite that the drinks and cakes are all being bought for other people? Why has he got a smart card if you don't want him buying drinks and cakes and he takes a packed lunch. Maybe if he didn't have it, then they couldn't make him buy things? Sorry if that is a dim comment, as I am not familiar with smart cards and I don't know what else they are used for in school.

sorry - meant to be a kid being taunted with 'X has to wear spectacles' .......

Definitely use the "b" word liberally. I have had to take action when my DS was in year 7 and being bullied. I told the school that I would not tolerate this and that I expected the school to deal with this appropriately and that I would be following up to ensure that everything was being done to help my DS.

Don't worry about them labelling you as being awkward, you're a mum, it's your job

I've heard other people on here say that studying a martial art - judo, whatever - helps build self-confidence and can be good to make a bullied child feel stronger - as a self-esteem and mental exercise rather than being a 'self-defence' thing primarily. The exercise and feeling of belonging to part of a team/club might help him?

I did pretty much what Cogito here says.
I was a pain in the arse of the school for weeks.
They were useless though.
We changed schools at the end - for other reasons as well - school being generally useless.

I agree that the OP should hassle the school as much as humanly possible Cogito, what I meant was that she shouldn't try to fix things with her son straight away if that makes sense. With the school her approach should be all guns blazing but with her son her approach should be kid gloves all the way.

Cogito I don't think CailinDana meant it like that - just that kids can put pressure on themselves because they think the parents want something, even if it isn't what the parents intended.

My DD didn't want to tell me she was being bullied because she didn't want me to think she couldn't remake friends in a new school after we had been away for 3 months. She thought it meant that she was crap :-( and she didn't want to admit that. She also thought she'd make me sad too.........yes but not as sad as finding out she'd put a brave face on it for a fortnight before finally bursting into tears the second we closed the front door and asked her what was going on (because we had seen something going on in the playground). She also didn't want to let the other children know they were getting to her - but once the dam burst she was able to keep talking. It was something we solved as a team, and she knew I was right behind her and there would be better days and crap days. Now she skips to school.

Bullies pick on kids that react and take jibes to heart - sorry but IME its true - and you can help them to help themselves by improving body language, the way that they are replying and the strength of their voice. I now tell DD to copy the kids who brush off the bullies; I am encouraging her to keep building her confidence in difficult situations. In our case telling her that she can do something about it, did boost her confidence. Please note we practiced at home until she could do it well, before she tried it in the playground. She thought the word 'stop' alone should do the trick - it didn't (she sounded like a dog being kicked) - but with different posture and a different tone of voice and stepping forward rather than shrinking back, she was amazed that it did.

My other tip is read up first - anything you can get your hands on, then whatever your child somes out with, you aren't surprised. You can tell him that you aren't sure what is best to do yet, but you'll figure it out together. The last bit is what my DD really needed to hear. I agree go in hard to the school, but you can't leave it all to the school - if I had done that DD would be black and blue.

Sorry, but I disagree with that as well. The victim doesn't need 'fixing' they need believing, protecting and supporting. They may be nervous in raising it with you in the first place but they get huge reassurance knowing the gloves are well and truly off.

I still remember the look of relief on my DS's face when I sat him down, apologised for not having taken the problem seriously enough, not done enough, and that, come hell or high water, no kid was ever going to give him trouble again or they'd have me to deal with.

I know a few kids that judo etc helped. Judo is great as it is about unbalancing your opponent / shrugging them off, rather than karate chops. A friend's son no longer gets put in headlocks nor cries when other boys try to play rough - just shrugs them off judo style and says 'I don't want to play like that' - they leave him alone! :o DD now does judo.

Ohmygosh said it a lot better than me. That's exactly what I meant. Bullies go for the children who don't stand up for themselves. It's a fact. I've seen it time and again as a teacher. The thing is, it's not enough to tell the child to stand up for themselves because if they could do that, they would. The child needs to be slowly and carefully taught how to project confidence so that the bullies don't target them any more. At the same time the school needs to deal with the bullies, fast. Unfortunately what usually happens is that the parent comes in all guns blazing (as they should) the child doesn't get any support and they then start to hide the bullying for fear of further action from their parents. It has to be a rounded response, not just attacking the bullies but also taking time (sometimes a lot of it) to help the bullied child.