How to talk to DS about being bullied

[Orchidlady]

I am not sure this is the best place to post this but I know you guys always respond quickly and this is eating me up. I really need to advice on how to help my DS 11. Have noticed in the last week that DS has been bringing home his lunch box untouched, finally got to the bottom of things and it turns out that kids are taunting him about being fat, (he is a little over weight and have taken him to the GP (waiting for blood test) GP is doing tests as a precaution but thinks it is just a stage,) anyway I digress. I really need advice on how to speak to him about this. He was breaking his heart last night, just want to give him coping strategy. The weight will not disappear overnight so have build up his confidence somehow. I feel like I may have contributed to this by taking him to the GP in the first place but I could not understand how is putting on weight, very active, healthy diet something did not seem right. Now feel terrible. .

To be honest Cogito, I think we're saying the same thing. I'm not disagreeing with what you say. I think part of supporting the child is building their confidence so that if a bullying situation does arise again they know how to deal with it and they don't have to suffer before someone notices.

It had never occurred to me not to believe DD. It wouldn't occur to her that I wouldn't believe her. I took it seriously from the moment we spotted something from up a ladder in the garden.

But the reality is that I went into school and played hell - great fun doing that in a foreign language. Nothing really happened. We kept talking to the teachers, me happily thinking well its a matter of them picking up on it and putting a stop to it. "DD go and tell the teacher supervising when you get pounded." Sod that for a laugh. In the end the lunchtime supervisor told me the truth - I do try but I can't get them to stop, so DD ends up having to play on her own. The teachers were in denial there was even a problem - one tried to get her to say 'stop', and played games that the children could join in so DD had somewhere to go - but that didn't solve the 1 hour at lunchtime.

So I was very proactive - I went (at DD's request) to the school every lunchtime playtime. It gave her an excuse to get away from them. It helped that I came along with a rescue puppy, which was DD's bribery for staying in school. The same weekend we got the puppy we practised body language & her confidence (NLP type stuff). We joined a judo club that didn't have those kids in, and took her to another club as well. I was able to watch my daughter from our upstairs window with binoculars - I saw her body language so I am very realistic about this - we have to bully proof our kids.

I agree there are little sods who are vile to other children, and it is completely unnecessary and uncalled for and no child should ever be a victim, and I would like to see schools come down on them like a ton of bricks. In the meantime we can help our children learn to react in a way that makes the bullies lose interest. No it won't always work, maybe you have to change schools, but I wanted a happy confident child, and for me that means giving her strategies and techniques to cope, and being there for her while she learns to deal with different situations.

Incidentally my DD became the 'victim' because she stood up to the bully who had been consistently picking on other children whenever she had a bad day at home, and that bully had turned her attention to DD's friend.

Thanks everyone for your comments and idea's on how to deal with this. I have aleady spoken to head of year who is going to speak to his tutor and ask her to keep an eye when they get back after Easter. They are a good school and always deal with any concerns. I like the idea of Judo I think it would do wonders for his self esteem. Things are not great between him and his Dad and I really trying to deal with that too. If think it really has been too much for poor lad, looking forward to spending time with him this over the next couple of weeks to try an work on this.

We just had a training session on this at school from this charity. It was brilliant - their website might have some good stuff for you.

Kidscape

Had a very difficult weekend with DS,he has been talking loads. Said he feels depressed and want to die, said his head feels funny, can see nothing positive. Seems things took a turn for the worst @ school, after an incident with his DP a couple of weeks ago, he has a big problem with his Dad and that has been making him "upset". DP is not a great parent if I am honest. I just feeling really confused what to do for the best. I know DS confidence needs building. DS spent an evening with older bother and his GF who he really likes. I have told them what is happening and also to let him talk about things, that did seem to help. Feeling very tearful right now , not like me to cry.

:( It sounds like he's depressed. Time to get him to the GP I think, and perhaps let him take a week or so off school (if that won't put him too far behind) for him to just take a breather.
What are the issues with his father?

Why is hid dad making him 'upset'. That does not sound good. Really think this needs to be explored and tackled. What kind of role does his father play in his life? It does not sound like a very positive one.

When DD had something specific to look forward to - something she really wanted to do - then that helped her get through the tough bits. If there is something he could really concentrate on, it is likely to be successful, and kids there are likely to be like him, then its kind of like meditation for adults - just focusing on something gives them time to not be thinking the 'sad' thoughts IFSWIM.

I looked at kidscape - and others that I found doing a google search - all pretty helpful.

With judo - try and see if there is another child starting at the same time, then they can be new together. Also the kids find it hard to remember the names of the moves - so if he had a book to help him learn them, that would help his confidence - ie he might not master all the moves straight away, but knowing the names would help him feel part of it really quickly. Enjoy spending evenings with him pinning you down on a rug to practice the immobilisations!

I also spent alot of time with DD doing things together - making things, chilling on the sofa - so when things felt too much, she knew she had time with me with my undivided attention to look forward to when she got home. Also let her plan activities for an evening - nothing major / expensive - eg she wanted to make popcorn and watch a certain film on the sofa - just giving her a bit of control. We also practised the kind of sports things they played in the playground, so she felt confident that she wouldn't make 'mistakes' and give the kid a reason to laugh / sneer at her. I found out they were taking toys into school - so we went shopping.....came back with a 'girl' and a 'boy' toy so she could play with either group. Turned out there were lots of little things that we could change to help her - I hope he lets you help him - sounds like you are doing a fantastic job if he is really opening up to you and his brother & GF.

Also wanting to die is wanting to escape the life you have, not wanting to be dead IYSWIM - (I have very close friends who have done / tried so I'm not trying to trivialise what your son said) - the key is to think that it is temporary and it won't always be this way even though it feels like that now - kind of like riding out a storm - all grey and horrible, but eventually a storm clears. Small specific actions help to lift it.

There is also a book on Amazon on how to depression proof your child - which is very good for teaching children how to have more positive thinking patterns.

I really hope this gets better for you both .......