If you've had relationship counselling, could you tell me how it worked?

[lostboysfallin]

Or didn't work, if that was the case!
Just feel like we are going round in circles and wasting money.
The counsellor is a good listener and kinda gets the problem, but we don't seem to be moving forward

It can take a long time ... I did first set of sessions over 8 months, then there was a break for a year, then another set of sessions over about 4 months. So total of 2 years. Not surprising really, these issues build up over years and years, they don't get fixed overnight.

In my experience it wasn't really about whether the counsellor got the problem or not - it was whether we'd got the problem. Took ages for us to learn to listen to each other, and is of course something you have to keep working at.

Good luck - I've been there and it was the hardest thing I've ever done....

Worked short term but the issues re-emerged and it didn't work long term

I think we've got a handle on the problem, but counsellor isn't really being firm enough with dh, I feell. It's a good place for us to talk, but we seem to just be talking, no action plan
And I'm at the end of my patience.

My STBX and I went for counselling after his 2nd affair. It didn't work for us as STBX would not open up and talk honestly to the counsellor and only gave 'yes' or 'no' answers, so she focused on me and he hated that saying 'what's the point of going if she only talks to you'!!! No amount of pointing out that he wouldn't talk could make him see why she talked to me. Anyway, we stopped going as it was clearly a waste of time and money. He promised he'd change his ways (especially as DD was only 6 months old) and stupidly I believed him. The fact that our problems were never allowed to be talked about as HE wanted to forget about what he had done, only made the problems worse and low n behold, when DD was 5 years old he went onto have anothe affair-which resulted in me leaving him with our 3 DC. He obviously thought his needs were more important than ours.

Having said that - if your DH thinks you are worth it, then it is worth pursuing. Try talking about the problem at home as well if you can - these things do take time and they can be worth it in the end. Good luck xx

How do you think your DH feels about it?

I don't think it's the role of the counsellor to be 'firm' or to give you an action plan.

You both need to come up with an action plan. Or to an agreement as you what you are going to do to change things.

What you could do is use that time to discuss a possible action plan (tell the counsellor if that's what you want) so you have a look at the issues coming with it. And take a commitment to each other but in front of her that you are going to X or Y.

But it would be really helpful to discuss all that with your H in the first place.
Have you establish an action plan together? Is that working or not? Would your H be happy with the idea?
All that might need to be looked at.

As to be firm, she isn't one of your parents. She is there to guide both of you by pointing out things you might not have seen before. Then deciding to change is a personnaly decision.

We've discussed everything over and over.
We're quite good at talking.
But nothing seems to change
Dh is open and talkative and honest.
He says he wants to change, but only he can do it, I can't do it for him.
It's all his anger, stress, impatience.

OP, I hate to say this, I know you won't want to hear it but it CAN'T be all his issues. I can hear you are frustrated with your DH but a relationship takes two. Your reactions to his anger & impatience are the other side of the same coin.

The counsellor I saw spent a long time patiently explaining that in most relationships there is no right or wrong, just a lot of hurt, frustration, bad feelings and two people who have moved far away from each other. Deciding that one is right and the other is wrong doesn't solve anything, it just alienates one person and causes yet more anger and frustration. Don't forget that everyone needs to be listened to and understood - your DH as much as you.

You do have a choice - you can walk away any time you want to, and blame it on your DH if that makes you feel better. Or you could work with him on finding the middle ground, which means both of you compromising. It all depends on how much you want to stay married!

ZM, with all due respect, you don't really know the circumstances

DH has a lot of external stress, nothing to do with our marriage.
But he gets angry and frustrated and takes it out on me.
I have done nothing to deserve this. Nothing. He acknowledges this as does the counsellor.

It's unacceptable that he shouts at me, swears at me and says unforgivable things.
He has to change that.

It sounds like he needs solo counselling, then.

Apparently it works for some couples.

For me it worked in that I could leave the marriage knowing I had tried my hardest to work things out.

XH said all the right things during the sessions, but his behaviour only ever changed for the worse. Towards the end it was like dealing with 2 different people, the violent alcoholic at home and the mr nice guy at counselling. He played a part and in the end it cost us our marriage and a heck of a lot of money.

Our counsellor was a bit more directive, and did challenge us both, and more so h, when necessary. For example, h said our house move had caused most of the deterioration, and the counsellor said to him, but that cant be the reason, can it? It isnt where one lives, but how one lives, surely?

But of course, the key here is whether there is different behaviour inside and out of the sessions. The sessions are productive if they lead to commitment to change, on either part, but the real test is in the doing.

It is possible for you in the sessions to state that you cant see change at home from one week to the other, and look at ways of reviewing that. ie how will you know when you feel better.

For example, my h has committed to fidelity (about time), more time with me, and not going to bed late loads. ie not withdrawing. And taking my opinions into account. I have committed to not trying to control him. The latter has been easy, as he only felt me to be controlling because I did not accept his previous behaviour, and he no longer demonstrates it.

If he reverts, and I resist controlling him, ie complaining etc etc, then I know where I stand, and I will control myself out of the door and out of his life. Because I wont live like that any more.

The other point is, me and my h did continue to find it difficult until the last three sessions (out of about 9, over 11 weeks), because there was still enough distrust and hostility to prevent us getting on with it given he hadnt admitted the infidelity, and talking constructively outside of the sessions, so it felt like a foot in the old world and a foot in the new in the first weeks.

'in most relationships there is no right or wrong'
Errm , sorry, that's got to be bollocks, surely?

"'in most relationships there is no right or wrong'
Errm , sorry, that's got to be bollocks, surely?"

So who is the judge then?

God?
Mumsnet?!
What is the counsellor supposed to do, award one of you a certificate?

Anyway I won't take part in this thread any further cos these issues are waaay too personal - and the only people who are ultimately responsible for the outcome are the OP and her DH.

My answer to the OP's question is that "it can take a long time and both of you have to change." Doesn't seem unreasonable to me, sorry.

lancelottie I think that thezoob is right.

In any relationship, both persons have some responsability in the state of the relationship, even if one has the reponsability to be abusive and the other to actually stay and 'accept it'.

I just really wanted to hear about different methods that were used.
Action plans, grilling! reviewing, whatever.

fiventhree- thanks so much for your input. I think it's time now for some kind of action plan. Just this week, I said I couldn't see any change and something had to give, but we just ran out of time, and no plan was formed

We've really just been talking for about 6 sessions
It's a bit difficult, I do everything I can to reduce the stress in his life, but it's not enough.
We have talked about our communication and we have improved that, but really, there aren't enough hours in the day for him
One of the problems is that he can't budge with anything at work, and it really needs to be there that he starts to address the problem.
If he takes time away from there, there is more for him to do, vicious circle

Zoobmeister, I really understand what you are saying, and I have been open to listening and talking about my part in this. If there is anything I can do to fix things I will try. I think the isssue is that I have already tried, so bloody hard. I'm out of ideas.
I think it's hard with counselling if one partner is so clearly in the wrong, i.e infidelity, abusive to think that both people are to blame. Yes both parties might have to change.

pohara, I can't try any harder.

Cockney, I'm not convinced about solo counselling, he did have some and I don't think he admitted anything to the counsellor, just played the "I'm so stressed card"
With this joint counselling, I made him promise to be open and honest, which he has.

the thing we talk about most is the specific issues at his work, surely that can't be right?

He talks to me about it on the phone, then when he gets in, then in counselling too.
bloody hell

OP, if you think the issue is all his, then I have to ask why you are having counselling together. Because any relationship counsellor worth their salt will look at both people's contribution. If they think that one person is in need of medication or individual counselling, then they should say so.

If the solutions to your woes are solely within your DH's control, then it is individual counselling that he needs.

Sanuk, that's kind of why I am asking, I don't have that much experience, so I don't know if the counsellor should suggest something else.
She is very experienced, and recommended, but I would have thought she would have suggested something, I don't know what!
We also have to have joint counselling, so I can convince him that he needs to address it
It's fine, me saying it at home, but that did nothing
His individual counselling did nothing, he just whinged about being stressed, which is what he seems to be doing now

I think one thing to bear in mind, is that it can often take a long time to get the nitty gritty of the issue! And it can seem very frustrating when all that you/one seems to do is talk with no strategy or goal. I think the best advice I can give you is to raise this with your counsellor. She might be grateful if you did - it might give her an 'in' to raise concerns about where you are headed (or not) that she was waiting for the right moment to bring up.

When my DH and I went along to counselling, the first thing the counsellor said to us, was that if either of us was there to hear that it is only the other person that is the problem, completely in the wrong and the only person that needs to change, then we were wasting our time and money.

Your posts sound very much as if you think the problem lies entirely with your DH, to the point that you feel the counsellor isn't really being firm enough with dh.

Perhaps you might both benefit from individual counselling.

Btw, seeing as you have only had 6 sessions so far, I think that your DH being open and honest and the two of you improving your communication is actually a really good start.

Tempted, I am saying its his fault!
I'm happy to discuss how we can communicate better or be more considerate, or be a team
But how is him shouting at me because he can't find something he left at work, how is that my responsibilty? I'm happy to discuss how I react to that, but its his fault he loses his temper

Thanks sanuk, that's positive

Last week was our 7th session, just checked.
Our first appt was just before Xmas though, so feels like a long time. I'm probably more impatient as I've been putting up with this behaviour for years
Sigh

I'm starving, he insisted he would get dinner on his way home from work.absolutely no reason to. He said he wanted to cook for me.which was a nice idea.
He's forgotten and now too busy
he won't be home until 8.30.

He means well
Maybe I'll have a glass of wine