Desperate for children but not sure about current relationship..

[desperateforchildren]

...that's it basically, been with my bloke for year and half, am 34, we now live together...I am getting to the stage where I want children but I'm so worried about having them with someone I may not be with long-term.

Our relationship is ok...we rub along fine, he's a genuinely good guy, kind supportive, caring, everyone likes him..except I'm not 100%. I'm not sure if it's because the biological clock is ticking LOUDLY in my head that I'm focussing everything on the relationship and putting way too much pressure on it to be perfect... If not I need to get out now? But then I think... it is a decent relationship, he would make a good supportive father etc etc.

But I know he cares very deeply for me and that's where the guilt sets in as I really would not want to do anything to hurt him but the truth is I'm not at that stage of the relationship, I want to be but just cant' seem to get there.

Scared if I leave him, I'll never meet someone, never have kids etc, throw away a good thing.

Not sure if I'm posting for advice or just a general download as can't talk about this to anyone in RL - I feel like such a bitch for staying in a relationship I'm not sure about but I can't deny how strongly my want for kids is and I hate that I'm keeping myself in this limbo land I don't seem to be able to push myself out of either way.

Thanks for any advice or anyone's who's been in similar situation..

No relationship is perfect but, if you're not totally convinced about the man after only 18 months and you add a few children into the mix (who you wil adore, I guarantee), it'll highlight how little you care for your partner. Using a nice man as a sperm donor isn't a great plan.

It's not fair to do this to him or a child. So don't.

I say that understanding full well the full throttle of broodiness, so I do sympathise. But there are so many other options than this. Do the right thing.

Thanks for replies. I wouldn't intentionally get pregnant until I was sure but I guess I'm just hoping I'll get there eventually....doesn't sound promising after 18months though does it. I really really want to love him and have a family...I don't care about work or hobbies..I have them to keep me occupied but what I want is children!!!

If I split up with him and don't meet anyone I love/they love me back, what are options for me? I'm just not sure I can cope with being a single parent though.

Don't wait around for this to feel right.

You're 34 - you don't have time for pissing about if you really want children.

You'd know if you wanted children with him after 18 months.

It's time to make a change.

Thanks. Yes Adverse this is both the longest relationship I've had and the first time I've lived with someone..it's only been recently and we're having teething issues about living together..I lived alone for a few years...struggling dealing with space/things done a different way etc.

I was attracted to him in the beginning for all the reasons I stated above - kind,caring, emotionally supportive and he gets on with everyone...I think unconsciously I was attracted to him because he would make a good father but now I'm freaking out about whether he's someone I want in my life forever..as that's how important I think it is to have children bought up in stable, loving relationship....my parents very happily married, in love etc etc..Perhaps I put them on a bit of a pedastal I think and want to be in love that long too.

I really do try to put the dc issue aside but it's bloody tough as it dominates my thoughts.

I know I'm not getting any younger and know I can't string myself/him along. I just don't want to balls it up before I've really worked it through..hence posting on here I guess..as a way to do this.

Desperate, can you pin point what you think is missing from the relationship? Are you expecting to feel something that isn?t realistic for example?

The 'spark' is missing I guess. That feeling that I would do anything for him and love him til the end. I don't really have that. But I know that spark has led me down some dodgy paths before so I don't trust it. But I also don't trust my emotions at the moment either..I'm a hormonal mess!!

Ah the elusive "spark"
I wouldn't place too much importance on that. Like you the "spark" lead me down some very dodgy paths, and some miserable ones, it doesn't last!!

You have met a decent man who you presumably love, you have a deep mutal affection and are now living together.
You should not jump into parenthood anyway, whilst you are getting used to living with each other, you need to "iron out the creases" get used to what you expect of each other, only then when you feel your relationship is stable should you consider dc's.

Don't even consider the "Spark" I have been happily married to the first decent bloke that I had a relationship (without spark) for over 30 years. Mutual affection, respect and tolerance over time mean a lot more than some elusive "spark"

I'm sorry but I disagree. I think you should expect to feel the spark and the passion along with all the other stuff. There are hard times ahead when you have a child with someone. Everything about your relationship should be strong enough to bind you together.

The way you talk about him is dispassionate - oldwoman - did you feel this dispassionate about your non-sparky man after only 18 months?

Sorry the first bit of my last line was to the OP, the second part was to oldwoman

You need to have a rock solid relationship before having children, it is not all rosy, it has hard work and both people need to be truly committed to each other to make it work, specially during the early years which sooo tough.

Thanks, interesting to here the difference of opinions about the spark..you're right about not even thinking about dcs until we're stable, I wouldn't even think about it. I suppose I'm just expecting we should be at that stable and committed part by now and we're not. Can you 'fake it, till you make it' with commitment? If so, how? Does the love evolve and grow naturally once you actually commit to a relationship? Or do you have to have the right man to be able to commit.

Sorry so many Q's..not expecting answers, just thinking whilst I type.

I'm not very objective. All I can use is my own experience. For me, the desire for a baby arose out of my particular relationship with my DH. I wanted to have his baby. By "spark" I don't mean sex necessarily, but it was definitely about wanting me and him to create something long-term together because I though (and think, 23 years on) that we are good at being together .

thought not though

I always desperately wanted babies but they grow up and leave home. I wanted the father of my babies to still be the love of my life in my retirement, and honestly believe he will be. You either love him and want to be with him forever or you don't - that's the priority. If you do then you can move on and start a family with him.

Having kids is impossibly hard work, it's put our relationship under immense pressure. Don't have a baby with someone if it's going to destroy your relationship and break your future family up.

Realised I didn't answer your questions ....

I was only 19 when we got together, but I'd say I was committed when we started going out. I didn't go out with someone I didn't really really like (v serious young lady). I certainly would not have moved in together if I didn't see us staying together long term.

We got married after 7 years, and then had children 2 years later. The waiting to get married was about him wanting to be 100% sure - divorced parents, and the waiting for children was about establishing careers.

So maybe my experience is not helpful to you.

If you found out he couldn't have kids, would you still want to be with him?

I knew my DH was The One as even though I was mad broody, I would have stayed with him even if he couldn't have kids, and we would work out another solution.

I wouldn't have made that sacrifice (of a pregnancy) for someone I was not 100% with.

What do you mean by "right man" OP are you dispassionately dissecting your relationship and making a list of the fors and againsts?.
If you believe in your heart of hearts you can have a happy and fulfilled life with him (with or without dc,s) then you should have your answer.

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, but you are sounding overly cautious, is it because of your overwhelming desire is clouding rational thought concerning your relationship and whether it is one you should continue with?

can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him if you think about it? Do you see yourself in matching rockers in a bungalow? Would you lean on him if you were desperately ill? Would you trust him with your children if something happened to you?

If you dont trust him with your heart I doubt the answer to any of those will be yes but take some time to think and imagine rather than focus on a mythical thing you cant quite rationalise.

As oldwoman says life is often a leap of faith, forget about the children ussue for a moment and think about what you do have before looking for what you think you dont.

Wow thanks for replies, this is really making me do lots of thinking. I am def a cautious person and overthink everything, perhaps a reason I haven't rushed into marriage. I have done the pros and cons list- is that bad?? I just want to make sure its right but that has sucked the romance out of it all I guess. In terms of if I can see myself with him long term; yes and no. Yes becuase I totally trust him and know that we would have a lovely life but no because as adverse says perhjaps I do if I'm honest think he's a little dull for me, he's not dull actually, he's got loads of interests and hobbies but he doesn't make me laugh out loud and I miss that because that's how my family are, we laugh all the time. Having said that I also have issues around parents being critical and controlling at times and he's not that at all, he's actually extremely good for me in that respect. I think being with him is emotioinally healing me in many ways...but also bringing up other issues too. Good idea re time apart. Not much chance of that at the month but he did go away a few weeks ago and I had mixed feelings, part of me enjoyed it, got my space back, part of me felt a little lost without him, oh god iakm so confused. It's like I need him more than I want him, does that make sense. I'm v independent and always have been so needing someone is very alien to me and I'm having trouble dealing with it. Iakm actually starting to think I'm lucky he puts up with me as I'm such a headcase. Sorry for spelling, on bb

To amswer the q about if he couldn't have kids I can't answer that yet as have never considered it with him. I've thought about if I can't have kids and yes I'd be ok with that as it was my issue but if him, would I be upset knowing that I was missing out on mine, then not sure, I,m going to really think about it as feel its a v valid question.

To see what happens if you have children when you don't have a spark, read some of the threads on here which are about 'love but not in love' or about there being no sex for years on end. When you dig deep, lots of the women who now want to leave their husbands never really felt passionate about them in the first place, but saw a good steady provider with stable emotional qualities. All well and good, but in a few years, and a few children later, they are then nothing more than companions and that yearning to find the spark doesn't seem to go away. That's when it gets nasty, they want to leave but feel trapped with a rather dull chap (and you even use the word dull).

Only you know just how missing the spark is, I would say having to make a list of why you should get married probably means there isn't one, and I couldn't personally live the rest of my life with someone who was nice, but that was it.

I don't think you are a "headcase" (as you suggest) at all. All the things you have said are things I have felt about my DP, the lack of spark, he's kind/sweet/hardworking/wouldn't cheat etc......but like you, I miss the spark, the laughter, the real connection etc. Like you, I have parents who are still in love and have just celebrated 50 years together, and although bicker about sill stuff etc, they still have a spark and are happy.

I hope you don't mind me asking, how are things in the intimate department? I don't just mean sex, but cuddles etc. Do you feel you want to be affectionate with him? Do you feel comfortable lying in his arms in bed just chatting? Do you feel connected in that way? Something tells me that this is a missing element.

I would say that if you are not sure then you won't ever really be sure. From my experience, I've always had doubts about my DP, he's always been really sure about me but has said to me that I've settled for him (I think he's right). I too am quite independent, like my own space, can be very cautious about making decisions etc....and after 6 years and a baby I look ahead to the future and think how dull the future looks, safe, but dull. I also hate the guilt that comes along with not feeling about my partner as he may about me. I split up with DP quite a few times, but we always somehow got back together. In hindsight, like you, I think I was scared that I wouldn't meet anyone else in time to have baby (and who I thought would be a kind and caring father). However, when I finally decided for sure that it was over and I just couldn't live without the spark/connection any longer, I then found out I was pregnant and it was too late.

If you feel there is no spark after only 18 months, just imagine another 2, 5, 10 years.

I think deep down you already know how you feel. You still have time for babies. Please don't let that cloud the issue. Be fair to yourself and to your DP.

I've always liked the response to the question "how do you know when you meet the right one?" - "WHEN YOU KNOW YOU JUST KNOW"