Desperate for children but not sure about current relationship..

[desperateforchildren]

...that's it basically, been with my bloke for year and half, am 34, we now live together...I am getting to the stage where I want children but I'm so worried about having them with someone I may not be with long-term.

Our relationship is ok...we rub along fine, he's a genuinely good guy, kind supportive, caring, everyone likes him..except I'm not 100%. I'm not sure if it's because the biological clock is ticking LOUDLY in my head that I'm focussing everything on the relationship and putting way too much pressure on it to be perfect... If not I need to get out now? But then I think... it is a decent relationship, he would make a good supportive father etc etc.

But I know he cares very deeply for me and that's where the guilt sets in as I really would not want to do anything to hurt him but the truth is I'm not at that stage of the relationship, I want to be but just cant' seem to get there.

Scared if I leave him, I'll never meet someone, never have kids etc, throw away a good thing.

Not sure if I'm posting for advice or just a general download as can't talk about this to anyone in RL - I feel like such a bitch for staying in a relationship I'm not sure about but I can't deny how strongly my want for kids is and I hate that I'm keeping myself in this limbo land I don't seem to be able to push myself out of either way.

Thanks for any advice or anyone's who's been in similar situation..

Mumsyblouse has just said it in a nutshell of how it feels a few years down the line.

Yes I've read those threads a lot and always have the fear dp and I will end up like that. Tobeheard - sex is ok although less so at the moment. The more my head spins about all this the less I want to be intimate. We have lots of cuddles but there is always more affection when we are having regular sex, seems to go hand in hand. I just wonder if I'm not suited to fall passionatly in love, as much as I want it, perhaps that's just not in me. Going back to an earlier comment I made, whenever I have had that passion and spark it has always ended up badly and been with men I jave ended up not trusting. My mind is whirring, going to bed sOon, thanks ladies, will come back in the morn and answer anythings I've missed.

Really tough - I do sympathise. MY ExBF was a bit like that - met him when I was 28, went out for a couple of years, great guy in many ways - but we just didn't fit. My parents were a bit when I split up with him but it didn't feel right or fair. Would have been easy to stay with him though.

Then, a year later I met my DH. It terrifies me that if I had stayed with ExBF I would never have met my DH - I feel so fortunate. I'm not sure if this helps or not tbh - sorry if it doesn't. It's a tough decision (I am 34 now and pregnant with our first DC) but I know in my heart of hearts I would be divorced by now if stayed with ex. You only get one life so whoever you spend it with - make sure they're the person you want to be with.

Good luck x

I also think that seeing having a baby as the end point is a mistake. Actually, having a baby, or more than one, is just the start of your life together and you have far less choices about whether to get up and leave once you have made a family together, essentially they are in your life then whether you like it or not, as the father of your children.

I don't buy the argument that every time in the past you felt a spark, it went wrong, so avoid men you really feel passionate about. It is possible to have both, plus you are more mature now, so hopefully if you met someone you felt passionate about, you could also still evaluate how they measured on those other important qualities.

It's your judgement call, the killer for me would be someone who doesn't make me laugh, as I sometimes think it's our shared sense of humour that has seen us through some tough time, to me, that's what enjoying life is all about plus still fancying the pants off them ten years in

I don't want to sound harsh but it just isn't going to work out if you are already feeling like this.

Read thread "considering leaving before I die of boredom" This could be you in 6/7 years.

If you are desperate for kids then don't hang around any longer. Free yourself, date, date and date some more until you find someone who you have a spark with and who wants the same as you.

I just wonder if I'm not suited to fall passionatly in love, as much as I want it, perhaps that's just not in me

There is such a thing as being like that OP and I don't think you should assume everyone needs to fall madly and passionately in love with someone before making a decision to spend the rest of their lives with them. You sound a bit like me and in fact your relationship sounds a bit like mine but the difference is I'm very happy with that scenario because it's what I chose. I did all the partying it up and shagging all weekend stuff when I was younger and got it out of my system. What I was looking for in a life partner was someone steadier who would bring up children with me and treat me with respect and obviously give me a shag every now and then lol. So it's not mad highs and lows and swinging from the chandeliers sex but imo, that stuff doesn't last and isn't the recipe for stable family life.

It just depends what you want OP. The threads people are talking about where women are bored and want to leave, they weren't honest with themselves about what they wanted at the start: apparently it was mad passion, not someone who'd have kids with them and treat them well. So if they wanted mad passion, they shouldn't have hooked up with the steady eddie type, knowing that's what they would let themselves in for.

So what do you want? Is it kids with someone decent and a stable family life or is it that elusive soulmate who'll make you see stars but you're not necessarily guaranteed to find or stay with?

Hellno, surely there's something between mad passion and dullesville. If you find your partner dull and they don't make you laugh and there's no spark and you haven't even got married yet, why bother? Plenty of steady, emotionally literate caring men are also good-looking, fun, like sex and can be great companions. I don't really get this 'either/or' mentality, I think there's plenty of men out there that seem to have both.

Angelico - my parents will be sooo upset if we split up...I think they are hoping for grandchildren...

Agreed I need to work out what I want first..I want the spark but I want stability/security too. I guess I want what Mumsy is stating - I want it all! But if I am supposed to be with one of these men which sound amazing!, why haven't I had even a whiff of one in 34 years? The only men that I felt I have truly loved haven't loved me back. Is it any wonder I'm doubting whether this kind of love exists for me.

My mother always says about my father 'she just knew' - it kills me because it's never happened to me or if it has, the men involved haven't felt the same way about me.

surely there's something between mad passion and dullesville

Yes Mumsy there surely is or can be. Btw my dh is not at all dull but the point I was making is that I definitely wouldn't describe us as passionate and I don't even know if I'd even talk about a spark either BUT we do get on really well and have a great life. For me, I had the same questions as the OP and was searching for this holy grail of someone to be madly and passionately in love with and lo and behold.... it turns out that's not really what I needed, and sometimes I think that holy grail is more in someone's head than in the reality.

For me, I wanted children and a proper family life MORE than I wanted a soul mate type person. So the point I was making to the OP was by all means cut this guy loose and go searching for the love of your life but just know that nobody can tell you that's definitely going to happen. If children is what you really want, don't let that opportunity pass you by in a possibly fruitless search for Mr Perfect In Every Way.

Not making you laugh isn't good IMO, this can be what sees you through the bad times.

What do your close RL friends (your friends, not mutual ones) honestly think of him, and him as a partner for you? This can be telling. A friend of mine was in similar situation and - when pressed - we told her the bloke was dull, boastful, penny-pinching and annoying!

Are you not sure about him, or is it that the commitment freaking you out? You seem quite down on yourself, and have perhaps chosen some inaccessible men, maybe get some help, eg counselling, reading, to work through that in your mind?

Why not take a step back, move out, do more things separately, and see what happens?

Think carefully, but not for too long, 34 is not young enough to waste years if this relationship isn't right and you want children.

Also, if you do look for someone else, don't mistake drama / being treated badly (eg having to do the chasing, unpredictable affections, stomach-churning uncertainty) for spark / passion!

Him finding me funny and clever and me finding him funny and clever is important to me, too.

Sorry for delayed response was away on the weekend. Dozer - RL friends genuinely think he's great, at least that's what I think anyway and I believe them.

I have to admit that commitment with him does freak me out a little and I'm know to be a bit of a commitment-phobe in the past but I've always put it down to those relationships not being right.

I have been having counselling as I agree with you that my judgement of what makes a good relationship or a good man is a little skewed, although I still believe that I'd be fine with the right guy - more counselling I think! I am really trying to work this through as I don't want to blow it because of my issues, not because he's not the right one for me...not sure how I'll work that out but I'm hoping therapy and writing down my feelings will enable me to get some clarity.

Also, if you do look for someone else, don't mistake drama / being treated badly (eg having to do the chasing, unpredictable affections, stomach-churning uncertainty) for spark / passion! -I think I might be guilty of this. I've felt all these things when I've thought I'd be in love!!!