I'm in a total mess and need advice

[KatieD6]

Hi everyone,

I know when I tell you my situation I am probably not going to get much sympathy but I am so unhappy and have no one to talk to.

I married my husband 10 years ago and I knew on my wedding day that I was making a mistake but I couldn't bear to let my family/his family and friends down and thought it was normal to have wedding nerves etc so I put my doubts to one side. My husband is a good man, he loves me and I honestly cannot criticise him in any way other than I just don't fancy him. He doesn't have any male friends apart from his brother so I feel he is with me all the time which doesn't help either. I feel like I am living with my best friend which I know for some marriages is a good thing but I feel so lonely.

To add to complications, I met someone about 9 years ago on a course and we have kept in touch all this time. He is married with 2 kids and lives about 500 miles from me so we only see each other 3-4 times a year although for the past 2 years we stay in touch more regularly on messenger. I don't have kids, I recently had a miscarriage which is also upsetting me but it has also made me think about what I am doing in my life.

The other man is someone who I am in love with but I also know we will never be together which is tearing me apart too. He has told me he loves me but he has a family and I respect that, I have never asked him to leave them for me and never would.

In relation to my own marriage, I am not wanting to separate from my husband to be with this other person as I know that will never happen but I feel totally lost at the moment. I feel like I am grieving for my lost baby, for the man I cannot be with and for the pain I am going to cause my husband if I tell him the truth. I'm scared about being on my own but cannot see any other way out. I do care very much for my husband but it is getting harder and harder to cope with my feelings. I sometimes wish he would find someone else and take the pain of the decision away from me.

What a mess! As I said, I am not proud of what I have done, I didn't go out looking for someone else, I think I need to stop all contact with the other person and deal with my own marriage but the thought of doing that terrifies me. Has anyone else gone through this??

Any help/advice would be so appreciated right now.

thank you

The fact is you are not happy. You don't HAVE to stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy. I suggested you do what you know you need to and get out. Its not even really about the other guy, you just don't want to be with the one you are with.

Best to leave now rather then staying another ten years. Do you have children together?

SUGGEST!

It's all right to end a relationship you are not happy in. Ultimately, your H will probably be happier with a separation, it is actually very draining to live with a partner you know doesn't really love you - I'm sure you're not unkind to him but on some level he will be aware that you are not passionatly in love with him.
It's fine to be single. You only get one life, there is no need to sacrifice it to this marriage.
All you are ethically obliged to do is to make your leaving as kind and fair and civilised as possible, don't badmouth your H (but that doesn't mean you have to put up with him badmouthing you, either), be fair ab out division of assets, and be polite but firm that the relationship is over.
Never mind the other man, he's just a fantasy that you are having in order to spur you on to escape your unsatisfactory marriage.

Life is too short to be with someone you don't love....or be with someone who doesn't love you (in the case of your husband).

I'm inclined to suggest you pack your bags sooner rather than later, but I'm worried it may be too soon after your miscarriage for you to be making such a big decision.

And, c'mon - you know what you have to do about the married man. Stop contact, immediately and for good.

Life is what we make it, right? So if you're not happy, start doing what needs to be done.

Good luck.

I would strongly, strongly urge you to end this marriage before you have children (if you don't already?). Please. Because you are clearly going to split at some point - you know that. Don't stick around because you want a baby so much. You will only disrupt the baby's life when you leave.

I do realise parents can split and the children can be okay, but to know that you will probably split while TTC is not fair.

You can and will be happy in another relationship. Leave the OM alone - he has a family. Do not persue that.

I am very sorry you had a miscarriage. I know first hand how sad it is.

Can I be brutal and ask if you're only staying with your husband until someone better comes along? You don't have to leave him for another man, if you're unhappy then you can leave him for your own self-esteem and for his benefit too, rather than staying with him until there is someone you can cosy up to. It sounds very cruel to be with someone just because there's no one better you can fall back on.

Leave the OM alone. If he loves you enough then he will do the decent thing and wait until you are single, though personally I wouldn't want to feel party to someone else's marital breakdown. Having said that, if he really, really loved you then he would have done something about it years ago, rather than using you for an ego-boosting EA.

I don't have any children and I have felt like this for a while. Not sure whether I would have posted this before the miscarriage or not and as you say, maybe my emotions are just all over the place right now.

As for the other person, I do not expect to be with him but I am so scared about ending it as we have been in touch for nearly 10 years - I think I will feel like my left arm has been cut off. I don't know how I will cope? I feel totally heartbroken right now.

My husband will be devastated, I don't even know if I could bear to tell him and I would worry about what he would do. He doesn't really have any friends he can go to other than his brother.

OP, I recently posted quite a similiar story (except that I have 2 children). I got some very good advice on there, so please take a look.

I can say this - I know how much this hurts. I felt the same on my wedding day. My DH doesn't deserve any of this. I am also pretty terrified of being on my own again. But the way I see it, I am not being fair on myself OR my DH by continuing along this road. I have now booked to see a counsellor (first appointment tomorrow) and I am going to start down the road of seeing where I can go with this. I would advise you to see a counsellor if you can. If nothing else, they will make you feel like you are not a horrible person, I'm sure.

As for the married man - I think that it's not so bad. What he has shown you is a window into another life. It's like you are in a dark room and someone has opened the curtains and shown you how bright it is outside, and how you could be out there. Catalysts are important sometimes to make you see your own unhappiness.

I think that you are REALLY lucky that you don't have kids yet. I am staying in my relationship because I do (and because I am terrified of being on my own, but I'm going to work on that). You can leave and not mess up an innocent child's life...

Anyway I just wanted to say that I really sympathise and wish you all the best.

Listen I reiterate, don't have a baby with this man.

It's not fair on a child or on your dh to do that.

You WILL be okay if you leave and what's more your husband WILL be okay - yes he'll be terrribly upset, but he will survive.

Your head is in a mess and you are traumatised after having a mc...but you know in your heart of hearts you don't love your husband and you didn't on your wedding day.

To be totally honest with you if you don't love your husband and you don't have children I can't see what's stopping you from ending the marriage. It's not THAT big a deal. Chances are you'll be doing him a favour too longer term and you'll both be able to get on with your lives, possibly finding people that you do love at some point. I agree with other posters. DON'T HAVE CHILDREN with your husband. That will complicate things hugely. Break off with the married man cos that's just out of order.

I don't know how to break it off with the other person, it seems too hard right now - do I see him and tell him or just message him??

As for my husband, I do love him but just not 'in love' if that makes sense? My head is a total mess to be honest...

Have you actually been having an affair with the other man?

Sadly yes, it is not something I feel proud about but I have developed very genuine feelings for him and I do think he feels the same about me but we both know we cannot be together. He has children so I would not expect him to do anything.

it will hurt him more later on down the line. You need to get out while you still have no children. You deserve to have love and your husband deserves not to be living a lie

Is it fair for your husband that he is married to a woman who doesn't really love him? (Or only as a friend or a sister).

I know everything you say is true apart from saying I have tried hard to steal the other person away from his family. That is not the case, I have never asked him to do that and do not arrange to see him. We only see each other 3/4 times a year through work related stuff. I do agree that I am in the wrong but I am not trying to steal him.

Katie, i'm not going to judge you in the slightest. You haven't done anything evil, you are just in a very difficult situation which I can sort of relate to, except that I have have dd and sometimes I feel like that she is the only reason I stay. I'm not married, but we've been together for nearly 9 years and I often feel trapped and lonely, so I really do know how you feel to an extent. It's a horrible feeling.

This other man- do you sleep together on the rare occasion that you see each other? It didn't come across as if you do, but if you're in love with him I would be surprised if it hadn't happened at some point.

I agree with some of the other posters that because you don't have any dc's, if you do decide to leave and it sounds as though you should, then it will make things much less complicated. Having said that, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you're having some kind of help from somewhere with the grief.

Do you have anyone you can confide in atall? I know you say that nobody would understand, but really think hard about that. Sometimes we need to put aside embarassment and fear of looking 'weak' and really think who we can open up to and trust. Do you have a friend or family member that is, at best, non judgemental and perhaps a good listener? Nobody can tell you what to do, only you know what you want to really do, or have to do, but just to have someone lend you a shoulder or an ear over a coffee or (my choice) might really help you.

So have you been having an affair for the full 9 years? That's a long time!

I read that you're not trying to steal him but it will be damaging his relationship nonetheless. What if his wife found out? The family would likely break up. Im not trying to make you feel guilty just trying to say that your affair isn't as harmless to his family as you think it is.

You say you only meet up 3/4 times a year. That's once every 12 weeks that he is unfaithful to his wife. That's a lot! Its once every 12 weeks that you might be discovered and her life and the life of his children ripped apart and changed forever.

You only need to look at a few threads in the relationship section to see what it does to a person.

Perhaps you can not imagine her pain because you yourself do not love you husband. For you it would probably be a relief as it would be a way out.

Leave your husband. Start dating. SINGLE men who you can really get to know rather then a part time lover who you only know on the surface.

I think you're getting a bit of an easy ride here. You've been cheating on your husband for 9 years, and in the process ruining another marriage (your lover's) & messing up the lives of two innocent children and you're pulling the "poor me, I'm so confused" card, really??

You do not love your husband, no one could treat someone they love as appallingly as you have, and lie to them for that amount of time, he is obviously convenient for you, and a buffer to your fear of loneliness.

Get out of your marriage now, and I mean speak to your H tonight and tell him you're leaving and will be divorcing asap, and if you have any decency you'll tell him that you've been snagging behind his back for years as that will enable him (with time) to realise that he is much better off with out you.

As for your lover, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms (& on the phone as you know another face-to-face will lead to the bedroom) that it's over, and that if he so much as "likes" you on facebook in the future you will tell his wife everything.

Being on your own can be scary, but quite frankly with the horrible way you've been treating other people you must have a heart of stone so I'm sure you'll cope.

Take a hard look at yourself, this is not how decent people behave and only you can choose to change.

I think you're minimising what you're doing. I understand why you're doing this because it helps to ease your conscience, but it isn't the truth. The key to cutting through the fog and confusion is to face up to some realities here.

Your husband didn't stand a chance. A year into the marriage you started an affair with someone else. An affair that has never moved beyond fantasy level because of the infrequency of face to face contact. So you've been idealising the OM all this time and if you really did have doubts before you married, those would have been compounded and enhanced by your actions.

Then there's the OM. Your excuse for sleeping with another woman's husband 3-4 times a year is that you have genuine feelings for him. So what? Does that make what you are doing any more acceptable? Do you think his wife would make that distinction? You also try to evade the responsibility for what happens when you meet by saying that you 'never arrange to see him' but somehow because your work paths cross, you end up in bed with him....

Then you say that you've never asked him to leave but imply he's only staying because of his children.

In all probability, he isn't. He's staying because his marriage and his wife are more important to him than you. If he's selfish enough to feel entitled to a 9 year affair and guaranteed extra-marital sex with someone 3-4 times a year who is safely married herself and will make no demands of him, then he would have left his wife and kids in a heartbeat years ago - if he had wanted to.

From a married man's point of view, you are the perfect OW. You live 500 miles away so no risk of being seen with you, you're married and have a lot to lose yourself, you delude yourself that you've got a conscience about his kids so you won't issue ultimatums or ask him to choose - and you believe him when he says he loves you but has to reluctantly soldier on in his marriage for the sake of the children and better still, you think he's a man of honour for 'doing the right thing'.

He's got it made, hasn't he?

Do the right thing now and in the right order. End this affair once and for all. No contact at all.

Give it a few months so that you can grieve properly and then wait a while to see whether being away from his influence has any positive effects on your marriage and your feelings for your husband. Give your marriage the chance it never had. Think about being honest with your husband about the lie he has been forced to live with for 9 out of the 10 years he's been married to you. If you cannot do this, or your feelings never improve for your husband, end it kindly and cleanly. Set him free to find a woman who will love him, be faithful and will have kids with him.

These are the only ethical choices available to you, but stop downplaying this and start taking responsibility for your life and how your actions are affecting others' lives.

OP i would put money on your being deathly afraid of intimacy, and of being abandoned if anyone ever got to know the "real you".

so as soon as you were in danger of becoming truly vulnerable and open with your H, as soon as the marriage pact was made and the expectations were that you would become "one" with this other person, you made sure to meet up with and become infatuated with someone else.

someone who is far away and unavailable, so you never get to know him fully or go through thick and thin with him. you can just enjoy the intense, infatuated stage of your relationship, indefinitely.

it's like a permanent honeymoon period. and it serves the handy dual purpose of keeping your H at permanent arm's length. you need never fully engage with him, or trust him, or go out on a limb for him. this way, your H's love for you no longer seems so threatening or frightening... after all, you've already "left" your H, so he can't "leave" you and hurt you.

And you OM also can't "leave" you, because he doesn't belong to you.

very convenient way to keep yourself safe from ever feeling you're at a man's mercy. sadly it also means you never get to experience mature, trusting love with another person.

OP you need to get into counselling and work out why you have so carefully set your life up in such a way that you are never really close to anyone, but instead are living a fantasy life in an ivory tower, all alone.

if you ever had a REAL relationship with your OM, i guarantee you, it would fall apart because you would realise he is just like everyone else. nothing special. just like you... and what's more, he might decide to leave you at any time, and you wouldn't be able to handle that fear.

you don't want to face reality, for some reason. you prefer fantasy and romance.

I may be wrong, but I suspect that the reason you've been able to tolerate your marriage for all this time is that you've been having a virtual relationship with this other man. Also, it's prevented your marriage from really standing a chance. Do you really want to leave your husband? If nit, how about getting rid of other man and giving your marriage one last shot? Don't mean to sound harsh, just throwing it out there. Hope you manage to sort things out in your head soon. X