I'm in a total mess and need advice

[KatieD6]

Hi everyone,

I know when I tell you my situation I am probably not going to get much sympathy but I am so unhappy and have no one to talk to.

I married my husband 10 years ago and I knew on my wedding day that I was making a mistake but I couldn't bear to let my family/his family and friends down and thought it was normal to have wedding nerves etc so I put my doubts to one side. My husband is a good man, he loves me and I honestly cannot criticise him in any way other than I just don't fancy him. He doesn't have any male friends apart from his brother so I feel he is with me all the time which doesn't help either. I feel like I am living with my best friend which I know for some marriages is a good thing but I feel so lonely.

To add to complications, I met someone about 9 years ago on a course and we have kept in touch all this time. He is married with 2 kids and lives about 500 miles from me so we only see each other 3-4 times a year although for the past 2 years we stay in touch more regularly on messenger. I don't have kids, I recently had a miscarriage which is also upsetting me but it has also made me think about what I am doing in my life.

The other man is someone who I am in love with but I also know we will never be together which is tearing me apart too. He has told me he loves me but he has a family and I respect that, I have never asked him to leave them for me and never would.

In relation to my own marriage, I am not wanting to separate from my husband to be with this other person as I know that will never happen but I feel totally lost at the moment. I feel like I am grieving for my lost baby, for the man I cannot be with and for the pain I am going to cause my husband if I tell him the truth. I'm scared about being on my own but cannot see any other way out. I do care very much for my husband but it is getting harder and harder to cope with my feelings. I sometimes wish he would find someone else and take the pain of the decision away from me.

What a mess! As I said, I am not proud of what I have done, I didn't go out looking for someone else, I think I need to stop all contact with the other person and deal with my own marriage but the thought of doing that terrifies me. Has anyone else gone through this??

Any help/advice would be so appreciated right now.

thank you

Thing is, some people are really not suited to longterm heteromonogamous relationships. I'm not and therefore don't engage in them. But I was lucky enough to work this out at a young(ish) age ie before I made the mistake of marrying anyone.
Unfortunately, particularly for women, there is a lot of social pressure to marry and breed - a single woman is still seen as a freak, a failure, 'not doing her duty' in some way. SO stories like the OP's are not uncommon. The constant underlying cultural insistence that everyone must engage in heteromonogamy is the main reason people end up in these wretched messes.

OP, like I said, it;'s fine to walk out on your marriage. And probably better to cut contact with the other bloke at least while you spend time working out who you are or what you really want out of life.

I knew on my wedding day that I was making a mistake

By your own admission, you didn't marry for love; you married because 'I couldn't bear to let my family/his family and friends down'.

That being the case, it seems to me from the day you married you have been searching for a plausible reason that others, while not necessarily approving, would at least understand to end your marriage and, to that extent, I suspect that you did 'go out looking for someone else'

Had the om not been married I have no doubt that you would have left your h and set up home with him and, if it hadn't worked out with him, you would have found another guy to hone in on because you're 'scared about being on my own'

As it is your lack of courage to do the right thing, both for yourself and for your h, has seriously compromised your personal integrity and this has resulted in you using 2 men as crutches while you limp through a half life of deception.

The 10 years' worth of lies that have sprung forth from the web of deceit you have woven since your wedding day are not just the ones that have been told to your h and, subsequently, to the om's dw. They're the lies you keep telling yourself to avoid facing the truth, which is that every day you remain married to your h you're living a lie.

You're not in love with the om any more than he's in love with you. You are both using each other to enable the type of 'if only' fantasy that the weak-willed resort to in order to relieve the monotony of their real lives because they can't be arsed to put any effort into making those lives as satisfying as their fantasies.

Your recent miscarriage has given you pause for thought, and I sincerely hope that you will be able to gain some comfort from viewing this sad event as a catalyst for the profound change in your way of thinking that is required for you to stand on your own two feet and become a woman who prides herself on her honesty and straight dealing with others as well as herself.

OP- I am sure you are reading but you have not siad very much back!

How are you feeling now?

I am sorry for the MC -sad- but it is not the only reason for your state of mind.

really, you have not given your marriage a chance. Your affiar began almost as soon as you were married.

I do wonder though why you have waited 9 years to reach this stage when you feel you ought to make a decision- why not sooner?

has your affair with the OM shielded you from the truth about your marriage so that you have managed to carry on, living from one meeting to another wth him, and merely paying lip service to your DH in between?

If you have NEVER fancied your DH madly, then it is unlikely you ever will.
You might be able to love him as a human being and comfortable, rather than passionate sex may follow- but it won't as long as this OM is in your knickers every few weeks.

Only you know how much or how little you feel attracted to your DH.

I am sure that the OM is very fond of you, and he may love you- but he cannotl ive with 2 women and has chosen his wife over you. If you were single, maybe he would- would you want that?

what your situation shows is why affairs never work long term- someone either finds out , the shift hits the fan, or one party wants more.

I do believe that many men can cope with affairs- it's well known men compartmentalise feelings in their heads. so in between your meetings, your OM is getting on with his role as a husband and dad. You though are wanting more and unhappy with your DH.

If I were to give you advise, I'd say move out of your home into a flat for 6 months. See neither man and see what happens.

You might miss your DH more than you anticipate when he is not in the shadow of OM - you may not.

Om is not an option from what you say- so just let that fade away. If he was really unhappy he would leave his wife, so he isn't- he is enjoying his extra bit on the side but not having sleepless nights over his future, I bet.

Thanks for all your messages. I spoke to my husband and explained how I felt but he doesn't really know what to say to me which I can understand. I am going to end things with the other person and try and give my marriage a chance. I don't recognise the person some of you describe me as and it makes me feel sick, I agree with what you say though.

I agree with the 'straight talking' women on this thread, having had my DH do the dirty on our marriage. However, I just wanted to say please do find yourself a really good therapist. You will need help yourself and a good therapist is worth every penny spent and more.

I wonder if you feel sick because it rings some bells?

I find this post really sad - and also some of the replies. The response I agree with the most is solidgold - marriage does not suit everyone and there is a HUGE amount of hypocricy in our society surrounding marriage/affairs/divorce/monogamy and all the rest of it.

Some of the 'scarlet woman' hysterical responses are just so - tiresome, really. Married people DO actually sometimes fall in love with other people - why wouldn't that necessarily happen? No-one wants to admit it, because they don't want it to happen to them, but realistically not everyone gets married and lives happily ever after.

However, if you don't even fancy someone when you get married, then that is highly unlikely to ever change. Sounds as though you married him because you felt you 'ought' to and dismissed your own feelings from the very beginning. And he sounds quite clingy actually. Sounds as though you stay married 'for his sake'. The thing is, if you really love someone, you actually want them to be happy - so in a way he is being quite selfish too if you have discussed how you feel. It sounds as though you are almost trying to get his permission to leave. Have you tried counselling?

Hi

No, not tried counselling. Thanks tadpoles for your reply though. I did fancy my husband, I think it has just faded over time and meeting the other person has absolutely not helped which is entirely my fault and I agree that this situation is my fault and I am to blame. I still feel lost and confused. I still think about the other person but am not going to pursue that, as you have all said, its wrong. Am hoping that by removing him from my life, I can focus on my husband and our marriage and if it doesn't change anything then I know what I need to do.

x

I agree with tadpoles and solidgold. You don't sound cruel or manipulative. You sound lost.

My advice is to get out of the situation, even if it's just for a bit. Have a trial separation. Maybe get a six month contract on a little flat somewhere. Or even just a two week holiday by yourself. Somewhere you can be alone, truly alone physically and in your head. Then you can work out what you really want and who you really are. You need to start living your life for you. You only get one chance, so take it.

All the best, OP x

Dont worry I have been in a similar situation and you are not the only one! ive stayed in a relationship when i had doubts from very early on, but convinced myself love would grow, or that its not that bad (or not bad enough) to leave it as it works on many levels (companionship etc). But as you will know yourself, the longer you persevere, the more you feel like you are cheating yourself and functioning as opposed to 'living', you as a female have your own needs, and although he may be the nicest most decent man, its just one of those things that if something is missing, then its just missing and i dont believe you can put the chemistry there when its not there. Sexual chemistry isnt the be all and end all for everyone, but when you feel like you are missing it then the feeling that this 'gap' is just getting bigger and bigger and the more the years roll by, it becomes a much bigger deal to you. In my opinion, trying to work at this relationship is only going to put off the inevitable for weeks, months, years more. You do not have to please your family and friends or anyone else anymore, you are older now and its okay to put your foot down to allow your own needs to be met. This is not your husbands fault, or your fault. its just one of those things, and i think its about the way you handle it from now on thats important. Im so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.It possibly may make you question things like life and mortality and reinforce to you that life is precious, and is important to be happy in it. Believe me if you have children it makes the whole situation a million times harder to leave, so I honestly think you should be kind to yourself and to your husband by telling him you need some time apart and some space to think things through and try a trial separation period. Being with someone for 10 years is a long time, even if only as best friends, so no need to make drastic bridge-burning decisions, just ease yourself out of it gently so it easier on both of you. As for the crush you met on a course 9 years ago, this merely highlights the perceived short-comings of your husband by being a 'fantasy' of someone who has the qualities that you feel are missing in your marriage. I honestly dont think its about him, I think its just cos you have been repressing you needs for a type of love, desire, sexual chemistry. Leaving is very scarey, but its the making the decision bit is the most tormenting bit, once you decide and just do it, you will feel relief and joy, followed by some fear and grief and nostalgia etc of the end of a long term relationship, but then you will start to rebuild your life into the life you really want and you will ultimately be so much happier. You ex husband may ultimately find a new relationship where he is loved in the way that he needs, that perhaps he knows he is not getting from you but wont admit it as probably doesnt want to 'fail' at a marriage either. but it will be kinder on you both in the long run.

no one goes into a relationship wanting a divorce, and im not giving you advice lightly as of course everyone should work at making a marriage work, but im just giving you my experience and my viewpoint. some people have very black and white views about marriage and relationships and affairs etc but i genuinely believe that if people know back then, what they know now, they wouldnt make the same decisions perhaps, sometimes people get themselves stuck in situations. My final thought which ive always found useful is to imagine it was your best friend telling you her problems that youve listed - what would you advise her? to stay and try work at it a few more years? or to say you need some time apart and move out/ leave her husband?