What does sex mean to you?

[KarmaK]

I realise from hearing about other women's views and experiences that I'm comparatively "puritanical." But that's OK, each to their own, right?

My view of sex is that it's spiritual as well as physical. That it is something I want to do with somebody I love, who loves me and who I admire and respect on a spiritual, intellectual and emotional level as well as just physically. I've no desire at all to be sexual with men I barely know or am not sure yet whether I like.

I'm well aware that for some (most, even) women sex is a primarily physical act that should be shared with anyone you fancy regardless of whether you know or especially care about them.

I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't care about.

Not saying it's always a spiritual thing - sometimes it's just about wanting to ride the bones of him - but I have to care.

Does that answer your question?

An excuse for a lie down?

Interesting topic. I've really changed my views on this over the years. I used to be just like you. But now I very much think that I could have sex with someone I barely know, but really just find extremely attractive. But in general terms, for me the best sex would be with someone I'd gotten to know at least a bit, but would not necessarily love (yet).

I personally have never had sex with a person I haven't been in love with, but not from trying, its just how its worked out for me.

I don't put my judgey pants on when someone has a one night stand because if I was single and horny, I probably would myself.

Sex to me is a physical act between two people who care very much about each other. There are times when a quickie over the kitchen table is satifying (obviously when the kids are at their grandparents!) and sometimes sleepy early morning birdsong is an enjoyable wake up call and sometimes it's nice to build up tension throughout the day and enjoy the intimacy of a long lingering session when you finally get together!

I've only had one one-night-stand and I didn't enjoy the lack of intimacy. Much better with someone you care about and who cares about you. More scope for experimentation without feeling like a deviant or nymphomaniac!

Hmm for me it's fun, stress relief and a chance to connect with my husband. I'm sure I used to take it far more seriously than that though.

I think I could have sex with anyone I found attractive really, it doesn't have to be about love for me [hussy emoticon] but at the same time a sleazy one off encounter wouldn't really do it for me either.

Hmmmm well if we do it I usually get my own way for at least a couple of days so it seems to be a useful tool to keep DH happy for me

I don't honestly know anymore. I used to love sex (though I was celibate for a number of years), and I just needed to 'fancy' the person.

Now it's changed for me. I probably (and wrongly) seek validation from sex.

I have had sex once since DD2 was born sleeping 5 months ago. I craved it a couple of months after, but was perhaps too aggressive about it (and DH is controlling), and DH rejected me.

Now I don't want him to come near me. There is a lot of background, built in resentment there, but I don't want sex with anyone else either iyswim. I guess to me sex is also a bit pointless in a way. DH went to great lengths to ensure I wouldn't get pregnant again, and that has upset me as well.

I'd love to 'make love', but at the moment I'm just not feeling it.

I also have less desire when I feel 'bad' about myself. If I make an effort, and feel attractive I'm more likely to be sexual, when I feel like a warthog (and I've been comfort eating to my shame), then no matter what anyone says, I don't want to.

I suspose (sorry this has turned into an essay), that sex is an indicator of how I'm feeling about myself, and if I feel unlovable, then I don't want sex. Sex is great though, when I'm happy.

I don't put my judgey pants on when someone has a one night stand

Good. I also think sometimes we worry too much about being judgmental. I think it's perfectly fine for a person to say they really dislike the idea of casual sex. It doesn't mean they are judging those that enjoy casual sex, it just means that it is not something they personally like or think is a pleasant idea.

I'm sorry Tamisara, sounds like you are having a really tough time of it at the moment.

True, its ok to not be into it, just so long as they don't go around with all the sexual shaming bullshit you see on, when if a woman enjoys sex she's unclean or something.

it means different things to me at different times. Sometimes it does feel almost spiritual and the most amazing thing in the world, and sometimes its just an itch that needs scratching

I can easily have sex with someone I don't feel much for, or have only just met. I have often done so. And it's been great!

I often think that sex is built up too much for many people. Like it's supposed to be this wonderful, spiritual, connected experience that people should only do when they're madly in love and/or married. It's just a willy going into some lady-parts :o

Sex can be all manner of things to me and I don?t need to be in love with someone for it to be amazing, there just has to be some sort of connection. I?m very good at separating love from sex though. It can be more intense if I?m loved up, but no more so than when I?m just gagging for it, so I find it?s more physical than emotional. Adult play time if you like. I used to be more into it, but these days men have to pay for it in some way, either in cash or in love and commitment, I don?t do freebies any more.

Nah don't agree TobyLerone.... not saying you should only do it when madly in love but I definitely think that love/feelings for the other person enhances the experience

Karma I'm interested in your thread but a bit put off by your final paragraph/sentence. It sounds kind of dismissive and a bit like you're having a go at someone.

Can you clarify?

I mean the last bit of the OP, not your further post.

I've noticed a couple of threads from you, OP, on similar themes. :) I think I would fit into a similar catagegory with regard to the way you perceive a sexual relationship, ie that it needs to be with someone you know well and respect, ideally with someone who you love. Individual instances of sex with the same person, however, clearly will vary from one encounter to the next - it can't be all deeply spiritual all the time - somtimes it's horny, sometimes sleepy and snuggly, sometimes really joyful... :) I like to be known and appreciated thoroughly, I can't separate my body from my personality, and though I can see why people use sex as a mean to 'scratch the itch' instantly with anyone they fancy, I'd find that really not something I'd personally find satisfying. What other people do is up to their own sense of self and morality, if that comes into it at all. :)

Like it or not, the heterosexual act is PRIMARILY to do with procreation, and we, as intelligent humans, have worked out that it would be wise to do this with someone who would turn out to be a good long-term partner who'd stay around and provide for any offspring. That's where the notion of sex and love comes into play. However, I do believe studies have shown that women like to do the sex thing with unsuitable but stud-like alpha males, and then settle down with a 'nice' man to raise the other guy's child together .

i think that, ideally speaking, sex is what human beings use to bond with each other.

it's a symbolic act -- the act says, "you are so lovely that i want to make a baby with you and keep a small part of you with me always". even if the people involved don't want physical children of any kind, the symbolism is still there on an unconscious level. perhaps the relationship itself (even if it's brief) becomes a sort of symbolic "child", if that makes sense.

but...

i think people frequently use sex to try to get things that sex isn't "designed" to give them (like validation, confidence building, a sense of control, acting out, rehearsing abuse, the list could go on forever... and never mind ALL the stuff one partner may be acting out simply by choosing a particular type of partner for the act...), and that causes a lot of heartache and confusion at times.

^ and to speak personally, i think that i now (after many years of silliness) see sex as the way i bond myself to my partner. and for me, it is bound up in child-making as a symbol of closeness, certainly.

Oikopolis, may I just say you're making a lot of sense to me on various threads now.

Thankyou for posting such good stuff.

For me its evolved as i've got older but fundamentally it's still all about pleasure seeking.

I was a complete ho-bag in my student days and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was safe, it was consensual and most of all it was bloody good fun!

As i've got older and entered into committed relationships my views have changed to the degree that DP is, for me, the greatest love of my life and even though our sex life isn't wonderful (we have a few issues and it really has turned me off sex) its more about extending our physical contact and bringing us closer together. It is now no longer about seeking the big 'O' but about being together. I've had to adjust my view on sex in order to enjoy being with DP as I love him very deeply and he's worth changing that view point for.

Like others I think I've changed over time. Back in the student days sex was just fun - I was actually bored and really enjoyed 'the hunt'...or thought i did. I liked having my ego stroked. The sex itself was usually a bit dull and didnt do a lot for me...as somebody said, it was just a willy going into some ladyparts...

Since meeting my husband though, all desire to have sex with anyone else, ever, has evaporated completely. the sex itself is more fulfilling and whilst I used to feel all modern and empowered about behaving like a ho...I actually now feel ashamed of it and wish I hadnt done it, I wish I'd stayed a virgin and just slept with him like all those 'boring' people I used to internally scoff at. Although, I think I needed to go on that 'journey' and wouldnt appreciate DH so much if I hadn't?

Can you clarify? I mean the last bit of the OP, not your further post.

Sure, most people see sex as mainly just pleasurable recreation to share with anyone, within reason. For most people love doesn't have to come to it. That's why I expressed that I may well be "puritanical" (or just old fashioned, or romantic) compared with most people now.

I agree with you, Smallnotfaraway