What does sex mean to you?

[KarmaK]

I realise from hearing about other women's views and experiences that I'm comparatively "puritanical." But that's OK, each to their own, right?

My view of sex is that it's spiritual as well as physical. That it is something I want to do with somebody I love, who loves me and who I admire and respect on a spiritual, intellectual and emotional level as well as just physically. I've no desire at all to be sexual with men I barely know or am not sure yet whether I like.

I'm well aware that for some (most, even) women sex is a primarily physical act that should be shared with anyone you fancy regardless of whether you know or especially care about them.

If people answered surveys honestly I doubt, realistically, whether more than 50% of women would state that they thought sex was 'mainly just pleasurable recreation to share with anyone'.

Your viewpoint is not that, um, special, OP. I think lots of women feel like that. Not all, by any means.

Do you really think that about most people? How do you know most people feel that way?

That's what I'm getting at. Fwiw I don't think that assumption is necessarily correct, though I don't want to state anything as fact because I don't know what most people think.

So what makes you say it with such conviction?

I don't know. I think (for me anyway) there are different kinds of sex and they are (were) enjoyable in different ways.

I had two one-night stands in my younger days. In both cases it was understood there would be no further relationship, but the sex was consensual, really good and good fun, so I have no regrets. I think there were many reasons my one-nighters were a positive experience. For one, I had come out of a long-term relationship which had been slowly eating away at my self-esteem, and finally felt confident and in control again. it also meant I had no desire to become part of a couple again, but welcomed physical intimacy without the scary heavy emotional stuff. I also chose my partners-in-crime well, so we were relaxed and comfortable with each other.

Having said that, i do feel sex with my DH brings us closer

Oikopolois, I thoroughly agree with you

Ok, fine, but if you don't want to answer my question, I don't feel comfortable answering yours. iyswim

"However, I do believe studies have shown that women like to do the sex thing with unsuitable but stud-like alpha males, and then settle down with a 'nice' man to raise the other guy's child together."

I tend to agree with this - and I think I see this syndrome being played out in marriages and divorces all the time. For instance, the women I know who married the stud-like alpha males (having being lead predomintly by sexual/romantic attraction) have found that, over time, they have tended not be very faithful husbands and/or not great with kids/family life. The women either put up with this on the basis that they married an alpha male so what did they really expect or they are disillusioned that he is not also prince charming and get divorced.

The women who have chosen partners more on the basis of being potentially a reliable partner and father (ie: have chosen not so much on the basis of sexual attraction) have, indeed, found themselves a constant and faithful companion who is a family man. However what they do not have is the sizzling sexual attraction. Rather like the group above they either put up with this on the basis that, what did they expect, they married a sold 'family man' type and not a Don Juan, or they eventually get sick of the lack of sexual attraction and either have affairs and/or move on.

Anyway, what has this got to do with the thread title? If I was single I would probably be prepared to have relatively casual sex, in the absence of anything better (eg: meeting someone I had a real connection with).

To the poster who wrote that sex is mostly a matter of a penis entering a vagina - well, yes, that is true on a purely biological level. But thousands of years of literature, art, music and much more have been devoted to the subject of romantic love and sex - if it was just about sticking bits of anatomy into other people, that would imply that people do not have emotions and feelings or even brains!

On the other hand, I tend to agree that sometimes far too much is made of sex. So that doesn't answer the question then!

When I do have it (not very often for valid reason, despite being married) it's pretty much all about the orgasm (that doesn't happen easily, not even during actual PIV sex)

If we are in a non-sex phase I crave it more for intimacy and feeling connected to DH, which means I get very miserable without it

Tadpoles - I think that may be very true. I married the alpha male; still very much attracted to him. I entered into the relationship purely following romantic/ sexual desires. But he's not a good husband at all. Unfaithful etc. I could leave but I really am afraid of what you've said. Afraid of leaving to search for Prince Charming, and finding him; solid, dependable... but boring.

There'll be lucky women out there who have found a wonderful husband, with a balance of both characters, but if MN threads are anything to go by these guys really are rare.

Depends on the partner, depends on my mood, depends on lots of things. I've had several long-term partners and a few shorter-term ones, and both kinds have been fun. Sexual compatibility doesn't always make for relationship compatibility, though, but when I love someone the sex is ... different. Significant. Loving.

I find this really interesting. I have always enjoyed sex and had many casual encounters, friends with benefits, 3 somes, lesbian experiences. Then I settled with my exdh, Mr dependable as aforementioned. Our marriage was great then dwindled.for years before we split. I was bored if Im honest, he had other issues. My DP now is hugely sexually excitig and our sex life is off the scale and to me its the first time I've had such lust and sexual fufillment with someone I love too. I always believed it was either or. He feels the same as he was really promiscuous in his twenties and had varied experience like me. Then settled in a long term relationship that was loving but not wildly sexual. I hope we can keep what we've got because I'm sexually content for the first time ever.

I agree with tadpoles. I've thought this for a long time now actually.

Although I have heard of a book called Mating in Captivity that might be relevant here. Not read it myself yet, sadly.