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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to cope with a negative personality

58 replies

NameChanger100 · 28/03/2012 11:40

Name changed here

How do you cope with someone that is rather negative?

This is a typical scenario, apologies for my rubbish explanation (find it hard to put things in actual writing, but hopefully you will get the gyst Blush )

Boyfriend of 3 years went out to watch footie and his team won so was in a good mood on returning.

I'm in the kitchen putting veg on for dinner.

BF: You didn't have to do that, I told you that a sandwich would do.
Me: It's only a sausage casserole that took no time at all to cook.

BF asks if he can help (I think, here we go!). He goes to keep an eye on the cale simmering.

BF: Why don't you get some lids for the pots, It would make it cook quicker.
Me: Shrugs.

After dinner he insists he washes up. Bashes about and water flies out of sink due to him doing his Edward Scissor Hands impression. During this time he comments that my kitchen needs better organisation. He points to pots etc. hanging up and says "bet you don't use all them things, all you need out is what you use".

After washing up (making a holy mess on the floor). I say nothing and just start wiping it. He asks why I'm doing this, I say "Because since you're still wearing your shoes dirty puddles are being made". Well, then that's it, he starts spouting off that it's not necessary and he hasn't made a mess and why don't I get a mop anyway"

I'm mad now and tell him I've never met anyone so negative in my life before, blah blah blah.

Also if one of the kids (we both have them with different partners) comes to show us something they have done and are obviously proud, instead of congratulating them on getting say, a B+, he'll point out that next time they need to aim for an A! gRRRR!

Does anyone else live with a man like this?

(whilst it seems rather funny in a "slapstick" comedy way, it does tend to drag you down). Sad

OP posts:
WineGoggles · 29/03/2012 10:16

As HotBurrito said, cooking together is a nightmare and it?s too tempting to ?instruct? when your partner does something in a different way. It can be hard to realise that different doesn?t necessarily mean wrong.
NameChanger, I can completely relate to your ?my kitchen?, ?my pots? comment as I can be a bit, how shall I say, territorial. My BF spends weekends at my place and he recently plucked up courage to cook us a meal from scratch. He was worried because he knows it can lead to ?supervising? with ?I wouldn?t do it like that? type comments, and he said he?s inclined to be a bit messy. So he said he?d cook on one condition?that I stay out of the kitchen the entire time. Excellent idea as the one time he needed me in there I noticed the onions weren?t chopped how I would do them, so I was glad not to have to watch, LOL. But ultimately he made a lovely meal and cleared up the carnage.

NameChanger100 · 29/03/2012 11:43

Just wanted to update all you kind people that came to gave me advice.

Boyfriend and I went out for a bite to eat last night. I took on board quite a bit of advice from here and keeping emotion out of the equasion told him very matter of factly what he does regarding "constructive critisim" where our home life is concerned. He apologised and admitted that it really wasn't the way to go at home and he really needed to leave his behaviour during worktime where it belonged, at work.

Regarding the children he also admitted that he just doesn't know how to use praise as a form of helping them to achieve their potential and recognised how damaging it must come across. He actually had tears in his eyes and asked me to help him.

I have also taken on board the comments regarding my part in this. It's hard when he is always on my territory not to over react/take offence.
We will definitely not be in the kitchen at the same time mucking in together! It doesn't work.

When I called him this morning to let him know his watch had been delivered to me at work he asked whether I wanted him to put a wash on and hang it up on the airer in the garden due to the lovely weather. PROGRESS huh Grin

OP posts:
NameChanger100 · 29/03/2012 11:44

"give" me advice of course.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/03/2012 11:50

My dh is very negative. My mantra is, "It's him, not me. It's him, not me." It takes a lot of repetitions to realise I haven't done anything wrong, he is just quite moody and miserable!

wem · 29/03/2012 12:12

My mum is very negative and never praised us as children. I have the confidence issues that go with that but I also picked up the same traits. However, I recognised it in myself and have worked very hard at changing it. I found I would think positive things about something someone was telling me, but I never expressed it, instead my brain would skip on to questions about it, which without the initial positive reaction sounds very negative and often as if you're looking for problems.

When I had my children I trained myself to always react positively first and then go on to show interest by asking questions, always with a smile on my face. It was hard at first and felt unnatural, but now it's instinct, and I'm a much more positive person than I was.

I hope all of that makes sense. The intention is to show you that if he is serious about changing for his dc's sake, it is possible :)

NameChanger100 · 29/03/2012 12:14

I feel your pain MerryMarrigold (love the name, it made me smile). We cannot change their attitudes or personalities, but what we can do is tell them to piss off and get on with it leave them sulk all on their own and get on with our busy happy lives Grin

OP posts:
NameChanger100 · 29/03/2012 12:16

Thank you wem, I'm going to cut and paste your strategy and show it to my BF.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/03/2012 14:11

Well done NameChanger100. What keeps me going is these type of people dont mean to be a pain.
Im sure you have got further in understanding your boyfriend in 3 years , than I did in 13!

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