How to cope with a negative personality

[NameChanger100]

Name changed here

How do you cope with someone that is rather negative?

This is a typical scenario, apologies for my rubbish explanation (find it hard to put things in actual writing, but hopefully you will get the gyst )

Boyfriend of 3 years went out to watch footie and his team won so was in a good mood on returning.

I'm in the kitchen putting veg on for dinner.

BF: You didn't have to do that, I told you that a sandwich would do.
Me: It's only a sausage casserole that took no time at all to cook.

BF asks if he can help (I think, here we go!). He goes to keep an eye on the cale simmering.

BF: Why don't you get some lids for the pots, It would make it cook quicker.
Me: Shrugs.

After dinner he insists he washes up. Bashes about and water flies out of sink due to him doing his Edward Scissor Hands impression. During this time he comments that my kitchen needs better organisation. He points to pots etc. hanging up and says "bet you don't use all them things, all you need out is what you use".

After washing up (making a holy mess on the floor). I say nothing and just start wiping it. He asks why I'm doing this, I say "Because since you're still wearing your shoes dirty puddles are being made". Well, then that's it, he starts spouting off that it's not necessary and he hasn't made a mess and why don't I get a mop anyway"

I'm mad now and tell him I've never met anyone so negative in my life before, blah blah blah.

Also if one of the kids (we both have them with different partners) comes to show us something they have done and are obviously proud, instead of congratulating them on getting say, a B+, he'll point out that next time they need to aim for an A! gRRRR!

Does anyone else live with a man like this?

(whilst it seems rather funny in a "slapstick" comedy way, it does tend to drag you down).

How long have you lived together.
Lots of men hate being dragged around the shops, it's a bit of a cliche.
Not perfect, but doesn't sound that bad.
Can you not just say, "I know you think you are giving advice, but it feels like criticism"
Just sounds like a lot of miscommunication to me.

BF asks if he can help (I think, here we go!)

Really? Instead of 'great/oh that's nice, he wants to help'.

I think you don't exactly sound like a 'glass half full' kind of person yourself. Maybe you both bring each other down?

Said what he did for a living as trying to understand him always having to take control in a very tactless way.

I said to myself "here we go" due to knowing what would ensue. And why should I think of it solely as him trying to "help" and me having to say thank you since I did the cooking etc?

As for the "being dragged" round the shops, it was his son that wanted to go so he could get new trainers. Not me or mine.

At work so having to pop back and forward.

Oh, OK, OP. Then (if you think he communicates best on this basic, factual level) would it help for you to specifically ask him to do things/tell him what you want or need him to do? It doesn't sound as if he grasps nuance...

Just posting to offer support to the OP.My dh is almost identical in personality to your boyfriend.I have been married to him for many years.
It does get wearing at times. My dh does know he is like it, because his dad is exactly the same.
He is a great husband in many ways,but irritating.
Im dreading when he eventually retires,as he will be under my feet all day.
He too is in a very male job.

Think I come across as a bit passive/aggressive now due to desparately trying not to make the situation escalate and turn the other cheek so to speak and just get on with it.

At the end of the day I've picked him haven't I.

Guess I need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide what to do.

You've just made a good point HardCheese communicating on a factual level could be the way to go.

I don't think anyone has said you needed to thank him for his 'help', but he was helping, as he told you that a sandwich would do but you had cooked a meal. He then, possibly seeing how much effort you had made, wanted to assist you with that. I really don't see what he did wrong?

I guess there must be hundreds of other little examples, because from what you've given so far, as I've said, you sound as negative as him.

There's obviously communication difficulties. Counselling is definitely worth considering, but if you go along with the attitude that the problem is all his and it's only him that needs to make any changes, then you'd be better to not waste your time and money.

Thanks amillionyears or your words. It really helps to know I'm not going mad (as feel like it sometimes). If I pulled him up on things I'd be at it constantly

How have you learned to deal with it? Do you just laugh and let it go?

Yes I do sound rather negative don't I TooEasily, it probably rubs off somewhat. This sort of situation is very very hard to describe without me sounding a bit "bleating"

What a prick. Have you confronted him about his attitude?

I do put up with it. For me, his positives far outweigh the negatives. My mil feels the same way about my fil. It seems to be in their genes. And we know that on the whole, they mean well.
My dh works very longs hours, and still only needs 6 hours sleep a night.
His job means he is not in the house as much as other men, and that is probably a good thing. Having said that, if he does have spare time, he is less overworked and is more relaxed about things.
We only really come a cropper when we go on holiday. I then keep my mouth shut for a lot of the time, because he wants everything done his way and cant see that he is being at all unreasonable.

Karma, I certainly have on many occasions but it sort of gets turned round and to be honest to always have to point things out becomes rather sole destroying. I'm to old to be constantly battling.

Thanks "amillion", a bit of weighing up needs to be done. This is his personality and at the end of the day it won't change, he is how he is therefore it's up to me really to decide isn't it.

He is not everyones cup of tea. I think you put it very well when you said your boyfriend was controlling in a tactless way. And I do think you need to weigh up the pros and cons for you.
On a positive note, I have managed to get him to praise the people around hi, a bit more. Now my sons and daughters are older, they have picked up on him not naturally praising people, and have also encouraged him in this way.

Hi OP,

Just to say that I think I know exactly what you mean... it is tiring and disheartening; and from my experience with my Ex-P he will not change.

I think that you may be right about the 'bloke-ishness' of his job... also just wondering whereabouts in the UK you are? (if you can say without outing yourself) As unreliable as it sounds I think that certain areas of the Uk oh no I did not say that Yorkshiremen are surly, no I did not in my experience seems to have a lot more men with negative personalities strangely!!

Cooking together is a minefield. Took DH and I literally years to be able to cook together. We both make 'helpful' suggestions and now we have both finally learned to say 'I'm doing it this way'. To which there really is no answer.

But why were you simmering kale??!! see what I mean?

Thanks once again amillionyears. I fear I'm too old in the tooth to "encourage" him but I shall try for a while longer as it would be a shame to throw in the towel just yet due to his other fab traits.

MissKeithLemon, you made me laugh I'm from London. Think it may be an age thing too as I'm 50 this year and he's a couple of years older he also recons I would have been one of "them suffragettes" in the olden days

Yes, HotBurrito I certainly do It's also "my" very small kitchen as BF doesn't fully live with me (place is too small, it's a one bed that I share with DS), therefore "my" pots! "my" floor.

My husband is a farmer. He is macho, very strong, protecting, providing.
He is used to rushing about and getting things done.
I think this then spills over into the rest of his life.

I guess to sum it up

My boyfriend is also very much like yours amillionyears, a blokey bloke who see's his main role as the strong provider and emotions just don't come into it. He's in charge at work and this also carries over.

He also has a rather Victor Meldrew personality (everyone says this about him by the way, not just me).

He is also rather old fashioned in his outlook. Where I on the otherhand am perfect believe in equality and find it very hard to be the "little woman", hence lies the mountain to cross obstacle.

Thanks all for your sharing/advice. I feel a lot more positive knowing there are other moany gits about and their partners find a way to see through it all.

Good luck to you but I am feeling more than a teeny bit relieved that I no longer have to "find a way to see through it all" with my xh

It wasnt until after he left I began to realise how all pervasive that kind of personality can be and how it chips away at you

My Dad used to do this a lot.

He called it 'Constructive criticism'.

I called it 'Sod off, or do it yourself, Dad'

It seemed to work for us.

if one of the kids comes to show us something they have done and are obviously proud, instead of congratulating them on getting say, a B+, he'll point out that next time they need to aim for an A!

Leaving aside all the bickering about whether you're 'as bad as each other', this is really damaging for kids. I think I know what you mean about an overall whineyarse character, NC100, and not only is it wearing but it puts you permanently on the defensive.

With the children, he must learn to say well done: a child won't hear "That's so clever, I bet you can do even better next time!" unless you specifically say that. They hear "B+ isn't good enough, I'm useless."

For yourself, I would say stop trying to please him. He wants things done his way, let him do them. He doesn't want to do them, tell him "I'm doing it THIS way." Trying to placate a moaner just turns you into a resentful doormat over time.

You on the other hand come accross as ungrateful (can only see the negatives in HIS actions not gald he is trying to help) passive-aggressive (pointedly start wiping up his mess under his feet) and hyper-sensitive to any percieved criticism

No she doesn't!

OP I know exactly how you feel - I'm going through similar with a (voluntary) work colleague - I've been thinking over the last few days how to handle her but I've not come up with any practical solutions yet. Was hoping for some inspiration from this thread.

My dh says I'm like that in the kitchen and has banned me from coming into the room when he is cooking/washing up etc. When I ask if I can help he says no. Might that be an option at all? Do you also visit him in his house (so you can do the same thing there, I'm not suggesting that you should turn into someone who brings out the slippers and supper for their 'provider').

I guess fundamentally you have to decide whether this relationship is at the end of the day good for you in the long term.