Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Please tell me I'm right to be angry

51 replies

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:30

Hi, I hope someone can offer me an objective view please.

DP and me have been together for 9 years, we have 2 DC (2yrs and 12wks).
In a nutshell:
After the birth of my first DC I suspect he cheated on me but have no poof. He treated me and DS1 like complete shit for 8 months untill I finally had enough and he begged forgiveness and said he would change. He then spent our entire savings on himself (though on what I don't know but it was all gone). I forgave him for this and we moved on.

DS2 was not planned (I love him and wouldn't change him for the world) but when I was 16wks pg I found DP on cheating websites. I obviously was not impressed. I forgave him again.

Then he spent a shedload of money on himself again just before DS2 was born. I forgave him again and removed all access to money from him and give him what he needs for work etc to prevent him screwing us over and not being able to afford rent again.

Now we come to the next problem. He joined a forum and is pretending he's single etc that he is such a nice guy and all he wants is someone to not take advantage of him etc.

I find this fucking pathetic. He is basically only friends with girls with attractive profile pics and I have read his posts flirting and also admitting to having "chats" of an adult nature with others. I confronted him and he just keeps lying to me, trying to deny any wrong doing, he won't admit to anything he just trys to lie and back track all the time. He says its harmless fun (what he had to admit to) and he'll never meet these girls anyway - which is true as they are mostly in America etc. I think it is totally disrespectful though, especially as he has done so much crap in the past 2 years of our relationship (I am just doing a brief summary here, I am not dripping but it would end up an epic post).

So am I being a bitch because I am so furious that I could honestly leave him now? Or is he right in saying that its just "harmless fun"?
Thanks

OP posts:

Gumby · 27/03/2012 22:32

I would leave him

So sorry for you

Flisspaps · 27/03/2012 22:33

Of course you're right to be angry.

You're not being a bitch.

He's so far from being right in saying that it's just "harmless fun"

The fact that he'll never meet these women as they're in America is completely irrelevant.

He is, in short, a complete fucking arse (IMO)

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/03/2012 22:34

He's being a selfish, immature twat and deserves kicking to the kerb, frankly.

Servalan · 27/03/2012 22:34

Sad that you feel you have to ask.

He is being absolutely bang out of order and you have every right to be furious with him. So sorry that you're finding yourself putting up with this nonsense. :(

Elfontheedge · 27/03/2012 22:35

You are absolutely right to be angry. If it was "harmless fun" he wouldn't have felt the need to hide it from you and after everything else that has happened this would be a deal breaker for me.

LiarsWife · 27/03/2012 22:35

What are you getting out of this relationship OP??

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2012 22:36

Creepy guy. You should have dumped him the first time he spent all the family money! Never mind any cheating.

I'd get rid. He is a loser.

Hassled · 27/03/2012 22:36

It's not harmless fun because it's harming you, isn't it? It's damaging your self esteem and your trust in him and your happiness and your state of mind at what must already be a stressful time of it with a tiny baby and a toddler.

It doesn't sound from your OP like he's about to change any time soon. He has a lot to lose, he's had second and third chances - nothing's made him change so far. You have to work out whether the pros of living with him outweigh the cons of living with him.

HepHep · 27/03/2012 22:40

Why in gods name did you forgive him so many times? At least four times? I've lost count.

He'll never change. Just give up and leave him, there's nothing else you can do.

Original poster

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:41

I know that you are all right. I just keep wondering where my nice DP went? Is he still in there? I really struggled to forgive him after the birth of DS1 because he made my life hell with emotional abuse - I only recognised what he was doing when his mate went mental at him for treating me so badly. I just don't know how to move forward. I never wanted to be a single mum, I am perfectly capable of doing so I just thought we were together forever. I'm really quite stupid.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/03/2012 22:41

Do you even need to ask?

Of course you do - because this is what happens...they brazen it out until you think you're the one with the problem.
It's terrible you know.

I think you know what you have to do. I wish you the very best of luck with it.
Life is too short to waste on a loser.

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 22:42

The miracle is that you didn't leave him when you first discovered that his idea of marriage is to indulge himself any which way he wants anytime he damn well chooses.

As you've misguidedly already 'forgiven' him twice I would suggest you stick to the maxim '2 strikes and you're out' and ditch him now because he's not going to change.

What the fuck is it with these men? I must confess to be quietly despairing that you've kept on taking his shit when others would have been long gone.

There's a much better future without him waiting for you, honey. Make sure you grab it before it's too late.

pictish · 27/03/2012 22:43

This is your dp. This is who he is and what he is like. This is the real him.

Original poster

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:43

Sorry I'm slow to post as I am one handed as feeding DS2 at the moment.

I forgave him because I kept hoping he'd go back to being nice and normal. I kept thinking that it must be somehow my fault too that he behaves this way.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/03/2012 22:45

The way to move forward is without him.

You dont need this shite in your life. He doesnt have any respect for you, and it is better to be single than in a relationship without someone who has zero regards for your feelings, and who is clearly intent on selfishly sorting out his own life without you.

slowginny · 27/03/2012 22:45

You poor love, don't do this alone, perhaps give relate a call and see if they can fit you in, either on your own or as part of a couple?

PooPooInMyToes · 27/03/2012 22:46

I can't see this guy changing. Infidelity, lying, flirting, pretending to be single, stealing the family money, lying more, emotional abuse . . . How much more can you take? How much SHOULD you take?

Do you think he might have spent the money on another woman? Be gambling?

squeakytoy · 27/03/2012 22:47

Oh god it isnt YOUR fault at all! Dont ever think that.

He is the one in the wrong and at fault! NOT you!

oikopolis · 27/03/2012 22:48

dear heart, the only thing you have been wrong about is forgiving him.

you have been fucked around. it's time to give this up and move on, i think. i'm very sorry for all the pain you have been put through.

Original poster

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:49

I can't beleive that I let myself be in this situation. I am usually a very strong person. I run my own (albeit small) business and generally stand my ground when something is wrong. God this is all so pathetic. I have just read back my post and if I saw someone else write that I'd be shocked they stayed too. What a mess this all is.

OP posts:

Original poster

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:51

I think maybe counselling is a good thing for me. I can't help but feel repsonsible for allowing this to happen.

OP posts:

jifnotcif · 27/03/2012 22:52

You should ask yourself why you have put up with him for so long. Try talking to someone honestly about it, someone that knows you both. Has he duped you or are you hanging on to him?

But don't contemplate for too long, life's short and there are good men out that will appreciate you to find.

Original poster

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:53

He says that he has done these things because I was distant with him after DS1. I told him that was because he was so awful to me that I didn't like him anymore. We haven't actually been intimate since I found out about the websites. I just can't bring myself to do it. So I am at least in part repsonsible I suppose.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 22:59

It'll only be a mess if you continue to think or believe that this man has any redeeming features, honey.

You can easily get this sorted by seeking advice from a solicitor who specialies in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation.

You and your dc deserve so very much more. Set this lying twunt free to indulge in his idea of 'harmless fun' in the privacy of his own home and don't let his activities taint your environment a moment longer than necessary.

Servalan · 27/03/2012 23:02

Why should you be intimate with him after he has totally betrayed your trust by going on those websites. Why does all the effort to save the relationship have to be made by you? Where is his responsibility for your relationship in all of this?

Flip

1 2 3