Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm right to be angry

51 replies

totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 22:30

Hi, I hope someone can offer me an objective view please.

DP and me have been together for 9 years, we have 2 DC (2yrs and 12wks).
In a nutshell:
After the birth of my first DC I suspect he cheated on me but have no poof. He treated me and DS1 like complete shit for 8 months untill I finally had enough and he begged forgiveness and said he would change. He then spent our entire savings on himself (though on what I don't know but it was all gone). I forgave him for this and we moved on.

DS2 was not planned (I love him and wouldn't change him for the world) but when I was 16wks pg I found DP on cheating websites. I obviously was not impressed. I forgave him again.

Then he spent a shedload of money on himself again just before DS2 was born. I forgave him again and removed all access to money from him and give him what he needs for work etc to prevent him screwing us over and not being able to afford rent again.

Now we come to the next problem. He joined a forum and is pretending he's single etc that he is such a nice guy and all he wants is someone to not take advantage of him etc.

I find this fucking pathetic. He is basically only friends with girls with attractive profile pics and I have read his posts flirting and also admitting to having "chats" of an adult nature with others. I confronted him and he just keeps lying to me, trying to deny any wrong doing, he won't admit to anything he just trys to lie and back track all the time. He says its harmless fun (what he had to admit to) and he'll never meet these girls anyway - which is true as they are mostly in America etc. I think it is totally disrespectful though, especially as he has done so much crap in the past 2 years of our relationship (I am just doing a brief summary here, I am not dripping but it would end up an epic post).

So am I being a bitch because I am so furious that I could honestly leave him now? Or is he right in saying that its just "harmless fun"?
Thanks

OP posts:
rightchoice · 27/03/2012 23:03

The guy is totally out of order and has lost all concept of what a normal relationship is like. He has lost the plot and is about to lose you.

Tell him like it is. Sadly he seems to have lost interest in what he has under his nose, and wants a fantasy life. Sounds like a man-child. You have a business, a heart and a forgiving nature, but don't be a fool, don't let your life slip away with a waster.

pictish · 27/03/2012 23:03

mmm...abusive partners often step up a gear in intensity during pregnancy or following the birth of a baby. They don't like sharing the limelight with junior. Can't bear the onus going elsewhere. Bad behaviour escalates and they blame you for it.

It's not you.

Original poster
totallymessedupp · 27/03/2012 23:05

Thankyou for letting me get this out. I can't speak to anyone in rl as my friends don't like him after the first incident so I don't think they can be objective. I have to go as DS1 is waking again now. I have a lot to think about now I can rest assured its not just me being unreasonable and controlling.
Thanks

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/03/2012 23:08

Wrong thinking again, honey.

Manipulative arseholes like the self-obsessed lying twunt you're married to always claim that others are to blame for their unacceptable behaviour.

'You made me do it'. So you put his fingers on the mouse, directed it to online dating sites, and filled out considerably less than honest profiles for him, did you?

Mumsyblouse · 27/03/2012 23:12

Harmless fun? Seeking online relationships with girls when you have just given birth? Cheating on you after your first child (let's be honest, you know he did, you just don't have the concrete proof).

You don't have to live like this, you just don't. You are not unreasonable. Being unreasonable would be letting him carry on taking your money, abusing your trust and spending time on singles websites.

This would be a deal-breaker for me, absolutely.

blackcurrants · 27/03/2012 23:16

it's a special talent a lot of emotional abusers have, making you think that when you object to bad treatment you're being 'controlling'.

The bastards.

Jux · 27/03/2012 23:16

He's lied to you time after time, he's treated you like shit, he's spent all your money, twice. Kick him out, or you'll just be looking at him doing all those things again, and again, and again.

You don't want to shag him? Shock horror! Woman whose trust has been abused to buggery and back doesn't want intimacy with her betrayer. Who would? You don't have to.

He should be grovelling at your feet, begging for forgiveness, but I bet he isn't. Has he got angry with you yet, accused you of hanging onto the past. Has he promised it'll be different this time? He'll change, this time? He won't.

It's really horrid for you. Your dp isn't there anymore.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 07:38

Please get rid of this waste of space, for several reasons

Emotional abuse, cheating, financial abuse, disrespect of women, being an entitled prick who will never change, blaming you for his own inadequacy.... etc etc etc

Need I go on ?

ionysis · 28/03/2012 08:07

I'm one of those people who almost always advocates "talking things out", "try counselling, "marriages need to be worked at" etc. However, in your case, just from reading your first post I can say unequivocally and without hesitation:

LEAVE HIM NOW

The guy is a total shit.

No only is he a cheat, he is a liar and an emotional abuser who has you so twisted up you actually think it might be YOU who is wrong. It isn't. Its him.

I seriously never say this but your situation is so black and white there is no alternative to advise.

So sorry you are having to go through this.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 28/03/2012 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 28/03/2012 08:21

You definitely need to leave this man.

Heswall · 28/03/2012 08:22

Who is raising these arseholes ? I know some mothers do have em but Christ what sort of man does this to his young family ?

OP you need to kick his sorry arse out so your sons grow up knowing better for all our daughters sakes, he cannot be a role model to your lovely boys.

fionabruise · 28/03/2012 08:27

Hi OP you mentioned that you thought counselling might be good. I'd really go for it if you can (along with seeing a solicitor) Counselling on your own. Its a total cliche but we feel anger for a very, very good reason and its an emotion you ignore at your peril. Counselling can help you learn to validate your feelings and to help get you out of this. It seems like such a simple thing to learn to trust your feelings but if you really can grasp it its life's biggest lesson learnt.
Good luck OP you deserve a much better life than one with this shitbagxx

Leverette · 28/03/2012 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maleview70 · 28/03/2012 08:35

I forgave him

I forgave him again

I forgave him again

You need look no further than the above. He is probably thinking " I
Can do what I want and she will always forgive me"

You are even starting to blame yourself now!

If you don't do anything about it then unfortunately it will just keep happening!!

captainmummy · 28/03/2012 08:44

Amazing isn'tithgow it's all OP's fault?

It's her fault for forgiving him in the first place, as it sets a precident.

It's her fault for having babies that take the attention of Dh, so he has to look elsewhere for it.

it's her fault for not being 'intimate' with this scumbag, so he 'has' to look elsewhere.

Stop taking the blame, OP it's not your fault.

HE DID IT.

Lueji · 28/03/2012 09:30

It's only your fault that you are still with this guy.

I'd get rid asap too.

RabidEchidna · 28/03/2012 09:39

He is a wanker of the highest order, kick him out

NarkedPuffin · 28/03/2012 09:43

How are you in any way responsible for this????

The first step is for you to detach yourself from his behaviour.

He 'treated me and DS1 like complete shit for 8 months'
He 'then spent our entire savings on himself'
He 'when I was 16wks pg (was caught) on cheating websites'
He 'spent a shedload of money on himself again just before DS2 was born'
He 'joined a forum and is pretending he's single etc'

Each time he is only apologising/stopping because he has been caught by you.

NarkedPuffin · 28/03/2012 09:47

The only reason you have a roof over your DC's heads at the moment is because you 'removed all access to money from him ... to prevent him screwing us over and not being able to afford rent again.'

'Again' Sad

RabidEchidna · 28/03/2012 10:01

Slaps OP with a wet fish till she see's the error of her ways forgiving him over and over and over

Proudnscary · 28/03/2012 12:37

He cheated on you

He spent all your savings. Twice.

He pretends he is single and has inappopriate online relationships.

He will never, ever be partner you deserve. Ever. He will not change. No man who can do these things again and again, despite the pain and suffering it causes you, will ever change. He doesn't want to.

My blood is BOILING for you.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2012 14:39

OP, how are you feeling after your unanimous (a wonder on MN...) thread ?

DinahMoHum · 28/03/2012 14:40

i personally would leave someone for that

mrsred · 28/03/2012 18:58

I agree with fionabruise i think counselling is a good idea, i spent quite a lot of time going round in circles with it, as thought i wanted to stay with my ex-p, so spent a long time, quite helpfully looking at why i felt guilty etc, when i made a decision that i wanted to not be with my ex-p, i was able to achieve much more with each session, and focus on re building my confidence.
Look after yourself, surround yourself by friends, which from your earlier posts seem to have the meaure of your partner. Ask family to help, cook meals for you, take you out, you need to be physically and mentally well. Do nice thngs for yourself, paint your toenails etc, i found with my ex, i had totally stopped caring for myself, and bizarrely when i started to eat better and put moisturiser on my feet every night before bed, i started to feel a bit better. Think its the little things that slowly make you feel more human.

Have just re read my post and realise it sounds like i am giving you one hundred instructions, i apologise, but will leave it as is and say please ignore it if you wish, just hope you start to feel happy again soon.