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Original poster

DH has again initiated THE Talk. (child related)

29 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 27/03/2012 17:59

We have two lovely boys. 9 and 6.

Life has had its ups and downs (more downs) over the last few years, it has been really shit for so many reasons. Not our relationship, it is good. But he wants a third child, and bring this up gently ever so often.

I give my reasons why not. And he listens.
Like:
The age gaps will be big.
Not fair on our boys that I will be pregnant and out of action for some time, considering we like to go mountain hiking, cycling, camping.
Travel abroad will be more expensive with a third child.
Need bigger car
Secondary school fees for one extra child.
Expensive

etc.

All very shallow reasons, I must admit.

The biggest fear is SPD again.
I feel "too old " for sleepless nights, breastfeeding, etc again.
Worried PND will rear its ugly head.

Non of these reasons are good enough for somebody who wants another child, though. Sad

I am torn. I am also 40.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:02

Oh Lord

If you're not 100% sure then I wouldn't agree to it.

My youngest is 6, I'm nearly over the hill 40 and all your reasons seem very valid to me.

RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:03

Why does he want a 3rd and how hands on is he?

Lovetats · 27/03/2012 18:03

Well, it's your body so you have the final say.

The jump from two to three, I found rather noticeable but deciding to have my youngest was one of the best decisions ever. She made my family complete.

MooncupandPizza · 27/03/2012 18:05

I agree, if you are not sure, I wouldn't agree to it. I think your reasons are valid!

I also think there are no real "valid" reasons (in a rational sort of a way) to have children...bar maybe for bone marrow donation or care in old age! (not meant to offend, I love my 2 kids but try as I might, I can't think of a "logical" reason to have children - it's an emotional, biological decision!

WOuld you consider adopting a child? It would take away the breast-feeding, SPD worries, perhaps?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 27/03/2012 18:09

I would adopt in a heart beat. Dh is not so sure.

He is very hands on.
He is the kind of dad that happily takes along a childs friend on outings such as cycling or skiing trips. Offer to help teach another child cycling, skiing, or swimming. He taught my cousins dd both to ski and swim, while looking after our own. And suggested taking my niece out to teach her turn techniques for down hill skiing. Etc. He cooks (not very well I admit, but he tries), he cleans, put the boys to bed most nights, read them stories, we have an equal share of lie ins.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:10

Do you want to adopt 4 nieces? You can have them any weekend you like?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 27/03/2012 18:10

Ha ha, can you give me a couple of extra bedrooms? Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:11

Hmmmm

Does he do the night feeds and night wakenings?

What are you doing about your career at the moment?

Actually are you back living in London or did you move elsewhere?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 27/03/2012 18:13

I agree the jump from two to three is more noticeable than that between one and two. But for me, I always felt as if someone was ' missing' from the family until I had DS2. Maybe because I'd had miscarriages previously - don't know.
The point is, I felt that way.
DH was quite keen to have a fourth, and I did get dreadfully broody from time to time - but I was also 40 by then, and suffering back problems (still do) which date back to DS1's birth. Oh, and ways suffered pnd as well.

It never really came to a head or became an issue - I just quietly pointed these facts out whenever it came up, and became more and more convinced myself that it wasn't a good idea for me.

I do think, ultimately, it's your decision, and it'll probably work out fine if you do take the plunge, but unless you have strong feelings yourself for going ahead you're entirely justified in sticking as you are.

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 18:14

I don't think your reasons are shallow.

It basically comes down to you not wanting another child.

Since the impact would be on your body and wellbeing, then ultimately he needs to respect that.

Do you feel like you "owe" him this because of previous decisions he has supported you in when he was reluctant?

I can see why you might, but I'm not sure that's a good basis for adding a third child to your family when you feel as you do.

Dozer · 27/03/2012 18:15

Your reasons are not shallow.

RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:16

The jump from 2 to 3 was hideous (thanks to undiagnosed silent reflux), 3 to 4 was a breeze Smile

I suppose with a 7 year age gap between youngest and baby then I'd be wanting another 2 dc so they had a sibling close in age.

I have 8.5 years between eldest and youngest and it is a large age gap IMHO, there are 5.5 years between the eldest 2 and it isn't what I'd ever deliberately plan.

Flightty · 27/03/2012 18:19

Quint, I feel for you. DP wants us to have a third child. I also really do, BUT some of your reasons also apply (being useless to my others, while pg/busy with newborn) and that sort of thing, but my main problem is I'm frightened of the pregnancy itself (Not so much SPD, but the sickness thing). I think I have some kind of ptsd about it.

I had a thread the other day and someone sugested counselling, I might try it - what do you think? Is it more your fear, if someone promised you you would never have SPD again or PND etc would you go for it then?

Why does DH want another, is it a very strong wish?

Thoughts with you x

timetoask · 27/03/2012 18:20

The thing is, even if a man is hands-on (my DH is very hands-on and involved), it does tend to be the woman that has to do most of the childcare, give up work, give up a life whilst the children are small.
I am almost 40, and I am using triple contraception to make sure I don't get pregnant with a third !!! Totally knackered. Although having a child with SN might be a contributor to my tiredness. don't know.

tantrumsandballoons · 27/03/2012 18:20

I know how you feel quint, my DH would love a fourth DH and brings it up from time to time.
I have told him all my reasons why I do not want a fourth and although they may seem a bit shallow, to me they are valid.
Our eldest dd is 14 and to me, that's too big an age gap
I had 2 DCs really close together which was amazingly hard but lovely now, and I had PND also.
I can't imagine working full time with 4 children but we could not afford me to stay at home.

I think I've made my mind up a bit more than you as I will not consider it anymore.
I have told my DH I will not bring a child into the family if I am sure it is not what I want, he accepts that but still mentions it every now and then.

We are going to look into becoming foster parents when we move house next year

RandomMess · 27/03/2012 18:25

Hmmm how about finding a recording of a baby screaming and leave it playing for 5 minutes?

Honestly I think we all forget about the hard difficult times, he has never done pregnancy, it is hard work.

Pooka · 27/03/2012 18:40

I actually found 2-3 a very easy jump, far easier than1-2.

But age gap was smaller - 6, 4 & newborn.

Also I had relatively uncomplicated pregnancies and was 35 when had dc3 AND had always wanted three.

So your position now would be mine if dh wanted another (can't, just can't because of health issues with potential no. 4 after dc3 had haemolytic anaemia). Plus with added prospect of misery with pelvis and a perhaps more complicated age gap. Awfully tricky position to be in. But if you imagine that ere is no way you can have no. 3, if the decision was made for you, how would you feel? So if I said "qs, you cannot have another baby ever, that's it for you" do you feel relieved or sad?

colditz · 27/03/2012 18:42

It's you who would have to carry it, and it is not unkind to just Say No.

I'm 31 and would never have another child - mine are also 9 and 6 and I feel like my body is getting slightly bavck to normal now theyare both at school.

Heswall · 27/03/2012 18:43

I have a six year gap and I like it I think all children should be born six years apart, he is my precious first born all over again. I am really enjoying him. However all of your other points are valid and accurate, I'm 5 years younger than you and bleeding knackered.

DinahMoHum · 27/03/2012 18:50

I think if you dont really want to, as the one who would carry and give birth, you get the final say. A shame for your dp, but youve already had two and are enjoying them. There are lots of restrictions once3 with that age age gap

PandaG · 27/03/2012 18:57

I had mild SPD after #1, SPD that hospitalised me for a month before #2, and had me in a wheelchair for a month after her early (induced due to SPD) birth. I was advised in no uncertain terms not to have another one, as the spd could return sooner and much worse. We agreed that we would not deliberately have another child, because of the consequences another pregnancy could have for me, and therefore the quality of life for my kids too.

You need to make the decision that is right for you and your family - I desperately wanted more children but decided not to go for it. Must be very hard if your DH wants another.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/03/2012 19:35

Quint in our house it is the other way around. I would love a third but DH is adamant no.

And the no wins, it has to I think. And that is without the additional weight that your opinion carries because you would be the one carrying the child and doing the BFing.

If it helps, his reasons are very, very similar to yours - right down to the 3rd lot of secondary school fees to pay.
I am coming around to his way of thinking, I must admit.

Mumsyblouse · 27/03/2012 23:44

I am in the same situation. It is hard to say to someone who is a brilliant father and really hands-on: no, I don't want anymore (or at least I don't think I do). But, ultimately, the toll on your body and mind and exhaustion levels do play a significant factor, more important than school fees. Sometimes you just can't cope with another, even if in an ideal world, you would have one.

Not sure if you feel the same, I also change my mind weekly, but am increasingly seeing that although my love for my children is infinite, and would multiply with another, my energy levels are not and that everyone, including my existing children and myself would suffer as a result of that.

Lemonylemon · 28/03/2012 09:25

Quintessential I'm nearly 49. I had my DS when I was 34 and my DD when I was 44.5 (very important, that .5). My OH died when I was 6 months pregnant, so when DD was born, I was on my own, and had the bfing (I actually managed this this time Grin ) and all the nightfeeds and everything with no help. I don't say this to make me sound like a hero or something, but I would do everything again (with the exception of OH dying, of course).

I get tired now, but I work full-time and run a house (though not to my previously high standards). Because I'm more tired now, I spend my evenings relaxing with the kids, rather than racing round trying to do everything at breakneck speed. I really, really enjoy the slower pace and get to snuggle with DD on the sofa before she goes to bed and then get to chill out with DS until he goes to bed....

Mumsyblouse · 28/03/2012 10:10

Lemonylemon what a touching post. I'm sorry you lost your husband at such an emotional time. Unfortunately all that talk of snuggling with babies is making me slightly broody...