Suspect H cheating, but can't leave right now (long).

[BeenLiedToB4]

Can?t talk to anyone about this. It?s very long, very grateful to anyone who reads and posts a reply.

I suspect H is seeing another woman after finding text exchanges on his phone between him and a former colleague. He meets her frequently for coffee and texts her late at night. He has kept this a complete secret from me, even though he normally tells me all about the colleagues / work friends he has spent time with. They worked together about 3 or 4 years ago and he told me then that false rumours had gone around the office about them having an affair; possibly his colleagues noticed that there was an attraction between them.

About 5 years ago I discovered that he had repeatedly broken my trust (not infidelity, but internet porn/chat rooms and similar). I almost ended the relationship then; we worked through it with counseling. But, I guess the trust was irreparably damaged.

I know him well enough to read his secrecy about seeing this woman as reason to be suspicious. I cannot confront him at this point, he will weave an intricate web of denial, destroy evidence and work hard to cover his tracks if he knows I am on to him.

The problem is that I can?t leave right now because I do not have any way to support DS (18mo) and myself. I am completing some professional training in which I have invested many years and much energy. I need another 6 months to complete this training, and these last 6 months will be very intensive. If I complete the training I can get a decent job, rent a small flat and hopefully support DS on my own. Of course, I could go out tomorrow and get a job, any job, but it won?t be nearly as well paid, and the 5 years I have already invested in this training will be wasted.

The only thing I can think of to do is to carry on as normal, work my arse off to get qualified, and be an impeccable wife to H for the next 6 months so that he can?t turn around and blame me (Ex-P also cheated and I know from bitter experience that cheating men often blame their partners).

I need to set aside the suffocating feelings of betrayal and rejection, and muster the strength and the resolve to keep up the front for 6 months and keep focused on my work. The work is important, it is Mine, the only part of my life that is not in any way dependent on H, and it is my ticket out of here and my chance to support my son.

But I?m scared that, if/when I find out more detail about this affair, the hurt will be too much and I will break down, and/or blow up at him, which will make him angry and deceitful, and give him back control ? he will try to convince me that I?m paranoid and imagining things, and no doubt remind me how much he has done for me (e.g. looking after DS on Saturdays while I study) and how for 2 years I have made only negligible contributions to the family finances. I?m scared the disruption of it all will sabotage my ability to stay focused and get my qualification, and then he will try to take DS.

How can I keep it together enough to be strong for DS, finish this training, and keep up a front for H? Even once I?m qualified, he?ll still earn more than double my salary. Will he be able to take DS? Will I be entitled to any assistance from him to pay DS?s nursery fees so that I can work say 4 days but still have DS with me? If I stay with him after this, I open myself up to being treated like a doormat for the rest of my life. I?m just worried that my exit strategy is too far fetched and it may all blow up in my face and he will have the upper hand and take everything away from me, my career, my son. Because I am currently financially dependent on him, although this was only ever a temporary arrangement, I feel that he has all the power.

I know no-one in an anonymous internet forum can fix this, but I welcome any advice or ideas or feedback to help me sort my head out.

hi, yours is an awful situation and you're looking for answers to questions that you find impossible to answer. i feel the same way at the moment with my husband and they sound quite similar in a way as they are both quite controlling and manipulative. i hope you get some advice from someone on here, im sure you will. stay strong for yourself and your son

Are you really unable to complete your training outside of your relationship?
I only ask this as I see how stressfull the next 6months will be, won't it be worse for you and less supportive if you are living a lie as well?

The thought of going it alone can be worse than actually doing it IME.
If you split up he will still be financially responsible for your DS and I'm sure there are people in your life who would help you to do what you need to do.

My gut feeling is that he's been cheating on you and has found a way of convincing you that he isn't.
You deserve to be treated with respect and told the truth then you can decide what's best for you and your DS.

You can always do it on your own.

What will happen during those 6 months? You'll carry on being suspicious, or have it out with him? Then what? When the magical 6 mths are up there willbe another reason why you can't, won't there? You'll be looking for a job, settling intto a job,it'llbe too much too uproot your child.

Sounds like on past experience plus the whole smokescreen he's set up about "people thinking/spreading rumurs about an affair means your suspicions are spot on.

on the practical front you need to split with him before you start working full time - that will mean you have been the consistent main caretaker so no, he won't have a leg to stand on trying to take ds away from you.

yes you will be entitled to financial support from him - if you google 'csa calculator' you will be able to work out exactly how much he will have to pay towards the upkeep of his child.

i think you're deluding yourself with ideas of being in control - it's all out of control and horrible. yes you can possibly survive 6 months and finish your qualification and gather evidence of his infidelity and try and squirrel some money away but you need to be honest with yourself about what you're doing and ideally have someone in real life you can confide in and get support from and you need to stay focussed on leaving.

forget being the perfect wife - if he blames you it will be because that's the easiest thing for his conscience or ego not because of anything you've done and nothing you could do will prevent him doing that if that's the way he's inclined.

i would start taking out a little extra money every week and putting it in a safe place - ideally give it to someone else you trust to save for you, i would start amassing all the documents etc that you need and evidence of him cheating may make divorcing easier i guess.

do you two own your own home or rent or what?

child maintenance calculator

You are being very sensible. Focus on the reality, what needs to be done, and then -

he will get a bit of a surprise.

Put a voice activated device in his car. Spy mobiles on ebay are going for about £25.

Be strong, use this time wisely, stay focussed on your goal.

Oh, yes: every time you use cashback: save some in a safe place. Also buy expensive household products, washing powder, flash etc.

Thank you for the replies.

housewife, really sorry you are going through similar. I think I may have seen your thread. It's shit, isn't it.

ChildofIsis I cannot think of anyway to be independent while finishing this training, and I must finish it. Otherwise I think I'd already be packing my bags. I know mum would have me and DS, rent free, until I get back on my feet. That is one option. It means moving to a different city and I fear the disruption would make me miss my deadline. But I need to consider it.

He has not convinced me that he isn't cheating, I think he is cheating - maybe he has cheated more than I realise in the past too, but what's important is what's happening now, in a way.

Totally agree that I deserve the truth but he will never come clean. Either I have to 'catch him out' (which means lots of horrible snooping around) or just go with my instinct.

swallowed thanks for the cm calculator that helps. We own, but he has paid most of the mortgage as I've been in training / at home with DS since buying the house, I won't get any of the house. I don't care, he can have it. I've thought about setting money aside but worried he will accuse me later on of stealing his money. I really just want to be financially free from him. Good ideas though about documents, evidence, etc.

Thanks for the encouragement to go it alone. General consensus seems to be that waiting out the full 6 months without confronting him may be unrealistic. I think I need to take some time sort my head out and think through the options very carefully. I have a good close friend who is guaranteed to talk sense to me but unfortunately she's overseas right now.

Sorry to be thick but what do you mean by buying expensive products, Abitwobblynow? So that h thinks that's what the money's going on?

I was going to suggest the same as Abitwobbly. Sit it out and wait until you get organised,it makes sense to be in a more secure position before you leave. You sound like you will thrive on your own.

Oh,and don't give him any jiggy time. Asshole.

you do sound strong so continue to be, you wouldnt believe how much crap you can put up with for the sake of your childen would you? i always thought i was a strong woman and wouldnt put up with this kind of rubbish but sometimes you react quite differently to the way you think you should. ask yourself what youd advise your friend in a similar situation. xx

Well, you could stay as long as you can stick it, and if it all gets too much emotionally to cope with, then stay with your mother for the last months or weeks. It is really good you do have that get-out.

i think in your situation i'd sit it out, i believe you're strong enough to do it and there is no overt abuse going on that needs to be immediately run from. finish your course, make plans, etc.

you will be entitled to half of everything as you're married - it doesn't matter that you haven't paid into the mortgage as you've been looking after your child.

don't worry about what he can accuse you of or what he can say about you - if he wants to say shit he'll say it even if you behave perfectly and bend over backwards to be a complete saint. you and ds will need a bit of a start up fund so squirrel away and make sure you have it.

think about where you would like to live - would you like to stay where you are or would you like to be back near your mum? can be very handy to be near family when you are a single parent and starting a new career and yes a period of rent free time whilst you got on your feet would be very handy. are there jobs in your field in your mums area? you could ideally be applying for jobs there for when you qualify.

you are going to be fine alone. you're strong and smart, you're going to have a qualification and you have supportive family. you will be in control of your life and not have to deal with emotional fuckwittage and being dragged down by your husband. when you need resolve or strength just visualise you and your son in your own little home, imagine how you'll decorate it, what music will be playing, what the atmosphere will be like etc and know that all of that will be in your control, no one will be able to spoil it or dictate it.

Have you thought about posting in legal? Then you will get a better idea of what you might be entitled to...and before you 'let him have' the house, remember that is DS's money, to give him a more comfortable life. (Not criticising, just don't want you to make any snap decisions that leave you unnecessarily worse off)

Interesting idea wobbly - although I feel a bit undignified actively spying on him like that (then again I've already checked his phone but he never hides it from me). Car wouldn't work as he almost never uses it. I think if they talk on the phone he must be using his work blackberry and they talk while he's out on foot during and after work, as he sits in an open plan office. His personal phone only had a bunch of texts.

Thanks for all the other kind posts which are really encouraging. Sorry not to reply to all individually, he will be home soon and I will check back in the a.m.

Good point about DS and the house, balia. H loves his son and I believe he will continue to support him. Then again at one point in the distant past I believed we would live happily every after. Will consider posting a shorter post in legal too.

for the sake of 6 months of your course, id try and keep things going as long as convenient with a view to dumping him later. Fuck him

B4, after having been gaslighted because I believed the love of my life and best friend, for nearly 2 years and nearly losing my sanity in the process, there is NO indignity involved in actively verifying the truth.

When I said to him: what would have happened if I hadn't believed you put a PI on it, and found Twinkletwat?
He replied: it would have brought me to my senses quicker.

Please don't underestimate the damage of the lies. The one person who doesn't know what is going on (but has a strong gut feel), is YOU. Everyone else in the picture, knows. That is a terrible and tormenting position to be in.

But focus on the main thing: getting through the next 6 months, to be in a personal position of being in control of YOUR life. That is what counts.

Hi wobbly , with your best friend, that is beyond hideous, I'm aghast. :(
Don't quite get the next bit though (sorry, probably being thick) - your Ex-P said that if you had not believed him and/or caught him out he would have stopped the affair to try to save your relationship?
It would have saved you that awful two years of going slowly insane though, I see your point.

Trying to think of ways to verify with more concrete evidence but I'm worried it will become an obsession that will distract me from my work, and I don't want to let him to that to me. Not that I can work today anyway, DS home sick form nursery but I should be getting stuff done now while he's sleeping instead of sitting here feeling sick trying to think how to catch H out.

The full force of this has yet to hit me, it comes over in waves and I feel like I'll suffocate from it. Like, I just realise that DS will not have a brother or sister and I so wanted him to :(

Have to keep focused but it's hard, how do you get through this?

Beenliedto, it is hard.

I waited 5 and a half years from when I first found stuff (photos on computer alot and other suspicious behaviour) to get to the point where I would not back down, even though I didnt have proof.

He lied every time, you wouldnt believe how much and how many.

It does not matter how smart or well qualified or confident you are, I am too, but each time he managed to persuade me I was wrong. Even though I found new photos every year- "downloaded accidentally from torrent music sites blah blah lie lie".

I would never have got real hard proof. And I started where you are, with that attitude of its wrong to snoop. It isnt, in these circumstances. Even taking into account when you may be wrong- that was the thing which held me back, plus the impossibility of getting to the bottom of it.

You are right, though, not to obsess and spend all your time on it. I went from phases where I did and phases where I didnt, and couldnt be bothered.

I would keep an eye out, though, and check his internet use (eg history and cache, and email) if you can, as well as the phone. And bank accounts if possible.

Mine lied to Relate and even told the kids I was wrong and implied I had lost the plot.

But in the end he was, he bloody well was. When I wouldnt back down at Relate and prepared to leave unless I got that confession, I got it. Every suspicion I had was confirmed.

Trust your instincts. I wish I had. And like Abitw, he did say he wished he had confessed the first time, or that I had held out for the truth.

If/when you leave, PLEASE do not refuse to take half, including the house. This is NOT your fault, it is his. Dont let him walk away with everything. I swear to you that you will come to regret it. If you are certain that wont happen, at least say you will, and let solicitors try for this, as in practice divorce takes a good few months or longer and I believe you will change your mind.

Not working and having been supported by him is not a good reason. He knows what he is doing, and he is an adult.

Thanks fiventhree for sharing your experience. There's lots of really useful advice on here, and I need to mull it all over slowly, I'm still reeling.

He has very little access to internet outside work and my computer (which I know my way around much better than him and almost never leave him alone with). he doesn't have a laptop or smart phone, and has only a pay as you go phone a/c, because he doesn't trust himself and is afraid of relapsing into his compulsive behaviours.

Still, I just shamelessly trawled his personal e-mail and FB but there is not a sniff of anything incriminating. Apart from the texts I found, they must be communicating through his wrok e-mail and bb which I have no hope of accessing. I've not done myself any favours, I think he will know I've accessed his a/cs although I tried to cover it up.

He's out tonight and I daren't even have a glass of wine in case I drop my guard and break down when he comes in.

I totally get all the arguments about why it's not wrong to snoop in these circumstances - there are so many stories that end the same way and my H sounds a lot like some of the other cheaters described. But I still feel REALLY guilty about snooping, and also just sad that our relationship has come to this. In most of our daily interactions he's still being the man I love and it's hard to distance myself. People aren't black and white, I suppose, and it doesn't make up for cheating. It feels worse this time that it's actually an emotional connection that seems to be developing with this OW. Before it was just random internet sex.

Anyway thanks for all the help and i will stop waffling
very :( to see so many similar threads on here.

Your relationship has only come to this because of your husband's actions. If he hadn't betrayed your vows already with internet porn chat rooms and an inappropriate (at best) relationship with another woman, then you wouldn't be considering any of this.

I have no idea whether keeping a lid on all of this for 6 months is doable, but you sound safe, and calm enough to make plans so that you are prepared if this does turn out to be an affair.

Just one thing strikes me though- how would you manage if you stuck the marriage out until you qualify, get a job, and then end up separating from DH at the same time? Wouldn't it be harder to establish residency and financial arrangements while also starting a new job? I would really consider dealing with the issues with your husband while you train, so that things are settled once you have completed your training and ready to start work.

Just to say sorry you're in this situation. And, if you decide to stick out the 6 months, two possible suggestions. Don't drink, at all - as you say, you might reveal your true feelings. And if he notices you're not engaging with him (and he may not, if his mind really is on other, er, things) maybe blame the intensity of the last 6 months of your course, and the fact that you're doing it whilst also looking after a toddler.

I think what you're proposing is sound in theory and is very pragmatic.

But I don't think you can carry it off and I'm not sure you should. Your later posts betray the hurt you're feeling and if you're someone who feels somehow sullied and undignified by snooping and keeping secrets from him, I think your innate honesty and integrity, not to mention your emotions, will give you away.

You'll never get those 6 months back either and they are going to be hell if you go ahead with this proposal. You'll feel as though you're role-playing and not yourself and I think that will mess with your head and cause you to doubt who is the authentic 'you'. It could even affect your studies in the way a clean break won't. I think it will also leak out in some way with your son and it will be very difficult to be a normal mum with him while this is going on.

Personally, I'd go to see a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to, line up your mum for a place to stay until you finish your training (18 month old children can easily handle that sort of change) and confront your husband.
It doesn't look like he learnt anything from the last time he was untrustworthy and perhaps he'll never change. But I think your next 6 months and thereafter will be happier if you're not forced to live a lie.

You're married, therefore it shoudn't be "his" money, but both of yours, regardless of who actually earned it. You've been looking after your ds - "for" him, if you like.
Stop feeling so grateful to him - looking after his own son on a Saturday is not a favour to you, any more than you looking after him the 5 days of the week he's working is.
You need to get angry I think.

the next 6 months might be hard completing that course and separating, but it won't be impossible. remember half of everything is yours and i'm sure you have a network of friends and/or family who can help out.

although it might be more convenient living the lie for now, but i don't see that as being any better than what he's doing to you. and personally, it'd be way too hard not to throttle him...

if he's cheating, get concrete evidence and put it infront of him in black and white, and dictate YOUR terms to the ending of the relationship.

I agree with other posters : time to get angry.

Best of luck